Rippey, You make me laugh...My ss hates me too, lets split a cookie LOL Sometimes , a laugh is all there is.. I love the quote from this forum, its not baggage, its frieght.....Maybe a little venting is all you need ....

Rippey, would you be better off if you lowered your expectation a bit? To ask for love is a tremendous thing, and there could be any of 100 reasons why it is difficult for your SD . . . or there could be 1. The simple fact is somethings stands in the way, and you may not have the power to fix that, as frustrating as it is. I, too, am a fixer, and controller and a planner. If there is an issue I devise 3 ways to solve it. When I can't solve it I feel a failure . . . even if it was something I had no business expecting to fix in the first place. The hardest lesson I've learned is you often can't 'fix' people.

So maybe your SD doesn't need to love you. Does she like you? Respect you at all? share an interest? Perhaps you need to work toward a smaller goal - finding a common thread between the two of you. Then find two. Then build a rapport based on that. Let things grow from there. If you set your goal for the distance prize and push your way toward it you will often push away those in your path - namely your SD.

You've come to a good place. It will amuse you, anger you, make you laugh . . . and distract you. Sometimes that distraction, and the knowledge that others share your pain or have their own, is better than any counseling session. Welcome, and I hope you stick around.

Hi rippey,
So nice to see you back so soon. The reason i replied so fast to your post yesterday is because i have been where you are. I truly appreciated it also when someone from this forum replied quickly to my comments when i really, really needed it.

After reading your post today, ... i could not believe it once again how we step parents are hurt from our relationship with our step children when we feel these children do not love or even like us and yet we give to them like they were our own child. And then others tell us we shouldn't even be bothered in the first place with these children because truly they are not our biological children. I have been told that very often in the last 19 years old and i totally disagree with it. I've always said it is not because you haven't given birth to a child that you do not love he or she like you had given birth to theis child. I love my 3 step children. I always say in my heart they are my children and today 2 out of 3 of these children always, always refer to me as their mother in their heart. The third step child, that is the oldest step daughter, has hated me for the last 18 years! So, believe me, i know how you feel about your situation with your SD.

The day things changed with my oldest SD is the day i decided to let her go from me emotionnaly, physically, spiritually, you name it!. She would come to our home, and i would politely say, hi. Then, ignore her. Her birthday came around, i no longer went and bought her the gift/card; i let her father do it. And i read the Dance of Anger about three times hihihi! and i went away for an entire week complely alone up at the lake with lots of books on psychology, etc. etc. step parenting. It was the best thing i ever did for myself, for my relationship with dear hubby (DH) and finally with the SD. Today, believe it or not, her and i are on good terms. For the first time in 18 yrs. she called me this year to wish me happy birthday, happy mother's day, and so forth. Four years ago, on the her wedding day, she completely ignored me!

Be good to yourself.
Keep posting.
I also have control issues but i am doing much better lately. Everyday, i try and work on it.

Cheers.

Rippey- How old is she? It's always a little more difficult to cultivate relationships with older step children. Just like adults, they get set in their ways and have trouble adjusting to a change in the family line-up.

Also, how long have you been her Step Mother? These things will help others give you some advice on how to deal. Chances are she just needs a little bit of time to warm up to you if this set up is really new to her.

Chin up! Have patience.

Ah, Rippey, I feel for ya. My stepson hates me too. He came to me at 4 programed to hate me, and in 5 years I have not figured out how to make him like me.

I asked what's bothering you today because if you're at your witts end, as I am, it's something different everyday. I'm embarrassed to admit how petty the things that get to me are.
Go ahead and vent, let it all out!

I am there with ya, Rippey! I THINK my FSD WANTS to like me; maybe even love me. We started off really well and then later I got told by FDH that FSD was upset because I helped put of the Christmas tree and she wanted to do it just her and him. He didn't know this. It was never a tradition in their family. It's been rocky ever since. Every time we arrive at some sort of relationship, BM gets in the way and changes the whole thing. Now, she has moved to another state so I'm sure (maybe just afraid) that we will never have the chance to become friends, at the very least.

As your lives continue the love may come, it's not automatic as we all have learned. Sounds like she's already treating you differently. All of the little life moments and the big ones will bring the 2 of you closer. But by all means vent! My only real path of venting has been online as well, nobody in my family has gone through what I have with our complicated blended family! I have had issues with our SD who is 24, while she treats me well when we're together she has never gone out of her way for me, basically never acknowledged her father and I getting engaged and even broke into tears when he told her. Got married 2 years later and never a congrats from her but she was at the wedding and had a good time. I will continue to strive to be a positive influence and person in her life. My hope is that one day she will look at me as an added bonus in her life - an additional person who will always love and care for her well being. Her uncle passed away recently and I sent her a really neat slideshow comparing life to a train and she actually responded to my email and thanked me and said she appreciated my thoughtfulness. That was a HUGE step in my eyes. We take things in baby steps. Someone we go back a few steps but we are moving forward.

"I'm currently in counseling (and it's not my first time at that rodeo) but I have gone to counseling for myself and my husband and I have gone off and on to various therapists for the past 10 years. We're professional therapist goer's...it's embarrassing."

Embarrassing??? PLEASE!!! Take that back!!!!! Going to counseling/therapist is a sign of strength... weak people live in denial and pretend everything is okay so they don't have to deal with reality. Admitting you have problems (as everybody does) is the first step to getting help. I applaud you for that and please don't ever be embarrassed about it!

Rippey,

1. I think visitation with teens is tough, becuase they have their own friends etc. You might suggest to DH that if SD has any activities (sports, debate, etc) that he should be able to go. Do you live close to her?

2. It seems like your SD has her act togethor. Count your lucky stars.

3. I can understand how it hurts -- but look at it from her standpoint. You and DH chose each other. She didnt get a vote. If you can understand how people want control, she gets no control over situation.

Best of luck

"Embarrassing??? PLEASE!!! Take that back!!!!! Going to counseling/therapist is a sign of strength... weak people live in denial and pretend everything is okay so they don't have to deal with reality. Admitting you have problems (as everybody does) is the first step to getting help. I applaud you for that and please don't ever be embarrassed about it!"

Ima hit the nail on the head! You are so much stronger BECAUSE you have recognized your weaknesses and know what your triggers are and have reached out for help. I wish more people would do it. Heck, I wish more MEN (no offense meant) would do it. Most of the men I've come in contact with would rather have their world fall apart than to have a counselor tell them that they might be going about something the wrong way. Good for your DH that he's willing to admit he's not perfect and doesn't have all the answers! In my opinion, your family is on the right track. It's not always easy and sometimes it's 2 steps forward and 1 step back, but as long as you continue the way you are, you will be able to get through anything. You need to put the bitterness and anger over the past behind you so that you can move on and live in the family that your love built.

Hi rippey,

Dont be so hard onyourself! I'm like that on myself too.
I used to feel that way when both my stepkids would act odd , like keep their distance...this was all because of biomom.
You cannot control how your SD feels and if she chooses to feel this way its her problem. Do not make it yours. What are you suppose to do? Wrack your brains to figure out how to make the relationship work only to find out its futile? Please be happy in yourself and what you do as a person. If she chose not to like for whatever reason its her decision. Dont let your SD make your unhappy. Your SD is unhappy for many reason most likely because of her parents split. Again. That is not your fault, its not her fault and you didn't marry your husband for her to make you miserable. Take a step back and a deep breath and refocus on yourself and your husbands relationship.
My Sd does like me but now adays its going iffy...but whatever. If she chooses that path its her loss not mine.;)