I don't feel he puts enough effort in with my son

10 years ago

Okay, so here is the breakdown. I've been dealing with this in my head for a week or so and have no idea where to turn, I don't want biased opinions from friends or to say the wrong thing to my partner before I get my thoughts straight. My partner and I recently got engaged, he has been basically living with us for the last 6 months, but as of last month is when he gave notice for his own place and moved his stuff in. I have a 4, soon to be 5 year old son, and my fiancÃ¯Â¿Â½ has a 3 year old son. We all get along really well, we do family things together and the kids are best friends. I have joint custody of my son, so he is here half of the time, and my fiancÃ¯Â¿Â½'s son is here every second weekend and one night the the opposite week. I'm not sure if its the mother in me, but I put in a huge effort with my soon to be step son .. I love him very much, he loves me and I treat him the same as I would treat my son. I don't intend to take his mothers role, but when he's at my house the kids are treated the same. I play with him, cook for him, kiss his booboo's, I show him affection and treat him as I would any child really.. But I feel as if my partner doesn't put in the effort that he should with my son. My son will ask him to help with a video game, or try and get his attention and I feel more often than not he brushes him off. I know it's not that he dislikes my son, I just don't feel he tries enough. But when it comes to discipline he's quick to step up there, to tell him when he's out of line or to chat with him when he's disrespecting me. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate that; my son respects him and loves his company. I'm just not sure If I am expecting more than I should, if I should approach him about it at all, or what I'm supposed to do here.. I don't want to just wait it out and hope it gets better to be disappointed I feel its unfair to my son. He is a really nurturing dad, and loves his son very much, but seems a little off put with my son. We're going to be a family. This is making me a little crazy, my son is my number one priority, I don't want to marry a man that's only in it for me. HELP.

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Comments (7)

emma
10 years ago
How did he treat your son before he moved in? Did you see some of this then. How does he treat his child, if he treats his son the same way, it is just who he is and he will probably never change. It should not be a big problem if you don't make it one. If your son mentions it, just tell him that is just the kind of man he is, he doesn't mean to hurt him. You sound like you love kids, all kids and you show the people around you that you love them, not everyone does that. My son is a very loving person and his wife is not. They worked it out

My husband was a cold man, didn't hug a lot, when I would say something he would look at me and frown. When he realized it hurt me, he really tried to change, but that is just who he was. His brother was the same way. I just learned to not take it personally.
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Karen10125
10 years ago
You should definitely talk to your boyfriend and the sooner the better. Maybe for guys he sees your son as another man's child and maybe that's difficult for some guys, I don't know. He might not even realize he's treating your son differently than his own. But if the situation was reversed, I'm sure you would want him to approach you about it, so give him the same opportunity. If he doesn't take the criticism well or doesn't care, well I would re-think the relationship because to me, you and your son are a package deal, he needs to love and cherish both.
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sylviatexas1
10 years ago
'When it comes to discipline he's quick to step up there'.

Yikes.

This is *your* very young son, & you, not your fiance or your husband or any other man in your life, should be disciplining, chatting, & talking to him.

Added to the fact that fiance otherwise brushes him off, it's scary.

Children are fragile, & your little guy, at the age of not-even-5, has been through, & continues to go through, a lot of tumult.

Give your kid a break;
focus on your son rather than this adult male.
I wish you the best.
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tfitz1006
10 years ago
Strongly agree with Sylvia. Your boy needs to be your first priority.
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jewelisfabulous
10 years ago
Without intervention and a true desire to change, how your fiancÃÂ© treats your son now is the *best* it's ever going to be. Think about that.

If you're concerned now, consider about how he'll treat your son as time goes by and the normal stresses of life wears on your relationship. Then, add in the stresses that come from parenting a growing boy (think pre-teen and teen age attitudes). Your fiancÃÂ© is already showing you that he's not up to the challenge of being a great Dad to your son at age 4 -- which is one of the sweetest, most fun ages (in my opinion).

For your child's sake, hold off on wedding planning. Express your concerns to your fiancÃÂ© and see if he'll attend counseling with you with a marriage and family counselor skilled in blended family situations.

Unless and until you see a marked, long term, improvement in how he treats your son, this relationship doesn't bode well for your boy's emotional and physical well being.
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Mom-of-all-trades
10 years ago
Could it be that your son is there more and he feels like he is showing more attention to your son and not his? I think the two of you have a lot to discuss before making this permanent.
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imamommy
10 years ago
It sounds like a typical guy. First, he has a bond with his own child so there is likely going to be more affection & nurturing and he hasn't formed that bond with your child. Guys are not generally as nurturing as women... we tend to take care of anybody & everybody but guys, not so much. But, guys tend to think of themselves as disciplinarian... and that is probably why he is ready to lay down the law and it's always easier to discipline someone else's child than our own.

That being said, your son should be your first priority. It's time to have a serious talk and let him know how you feel. He may not realize he is doing anything wrong but left alone, resentments will grow. Your son may resent the attention the other child gets. You may eventually resent your boyfriend. If your talk does not result with an epiphany & his willingness to try harder, get him out of your life ASAP because the longer you work at trying to get him to change, the longer both children are going to subjected to instability. Both children have already been through one broken home and these issues probably should have been discussed before he moved in.
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I don't feel he puts enough effort in with my son

Comments (7)

emma

Karen10125

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sylviatexas1

tfitz1006

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