It's so funny how I KNOW everything you're saying but how different it sounds coming from someone else and not myself. And you are 100% correct that she tricked him into it. BOTH times. 1st was for marriage, the second was the first talk of divorce. I know how important it is for him to plan our "trying." I've been on pre-natals since November but we've pushed it back from this past Feb. to this coming Sept. I am willing to compromise to whatever his needs (reasonably) so that he is 100% ready for it to happen if/when it does. And he's voiced how excited he is to try for a girl - he's an amazing dad and I know she'd be a total "daddy's girl" which worries him that I want my own baby so bad and she'd be more about him than me *LOL* :) I know part of my issues are jealousy and part are this insecure part of me that doesn't like to be new at something. I'm the youngest and vividly recall feeling stupid for not knowing information or how to do something that the older kids could. I hear people talk about the life changing "wow we have a baby; what now?" affect. My friend was talking about how she and her husband were married 5 years before having their oldest. She said they wanted it, tried for it, but still came home from the hospital, put him in his bouncy chair and just looked at each other like, "now what?" It really bothers me that he will never have that "let's figure this out together" thing with me. He already knows what to do with a baby. It's even more upsetting as a woman that my husband could answer my pg/baby questions. It's actually nauseating to me. The other part is that I can't even confide in the one woman I never felt stupid "not knowing" around - my mom - because she passed away 6 years ago this June. I'm close with my MIL, she's a lovely lady, I just miss what I had with my mom. I think that's why I want a girl so badly. My sister and I are very different people but she understands me and also had her 1st after the death of our mom. I know she will be there for me (and she's had two girls and is a SM of a 15-year-old boy.) It's nice to have supports (you all included!) Jessegirl, I actually had such a difficulty adjusting to my whole situation (5000 mi. away from anyone I know, stay-at-home mom from previous working woman, dealing with the emotions of "step-mom" "second wife") and wondered if I really want to "start over" since they will both be in school next year. But then that thought angers me; That I'm burnt out on being a mom and I've never felt a baby kick. I already gave up on the possibility of multiple kids of my own but really feel that I NEED a baby of my own. I think I deserve that. Fortunately, so does my DH. And it will be amazing to create life from love instead of manipulation. I just wish I could OWN what you all have said. I know I'm the mom here and I know I'm the one the boys will think back to and I know I've been put here for a reason and that those boys need me. And I need them...it's just so strange the way the head and heart have this strange disconnect feature between them, y'know? MIL is a twin and sometimes I hope to have twins myself because I KNOW that will be different for him! How juvenile is that?!?!?! Well...Thanks for listening guys... The in-laws arrived safely and I must return downstairs. The puter' is in our room, which is theirs for the next two weeks so my apologies in advance for not being around much! J

tos~ How she and her best friends have maintained their friendship, despite the miles, is a source of amazement to all of us. They have a very special relationship and they are all so close. I was just speaking to one of the other mothers last pm, and we both continue to marvel at the strength of their bond. They make it a point to spend lots of time together whenever they can (when she's here for visits). My stepson is best friends with the 2 older brothers in the families, and we adults are friendly as well...have occasional cookouts, pool parties, etc. Although, I think the kids friendship has fostered the adult/family gatherings.... As far as her friends in NC...the majority of her non-school time is spent in dance class, so she is friendly with the girls she dances with. But she says that she really doesn't have any super-close school friends that she "hangs out with", etc. She rarely has sleepovers or talks of anything she does with other kids there. Mostly she is at the dance studio...she's a very accomplished dancer. Lack of good friends there was actually one of the things she discussed when she brought up the idea of coming here for high school. So tos, it's your turn....are you a step-parent? Are you a NCP? What would you have told your daughter in the "hypothetical" situation I posted?...seriously WWYD? Like you, I have no intention of EVER divorcing, but I can "imagine" what I'd do if I were faced with a similar situation....so, please, tell us what you'd say. For the record, my DH fought the move in court. Michigan is a no-fault divorce state, and spousal infidelity has NO bearing on custody, whatsoever. Michigan is VERY pro-mom, despite the fact the courts say they have no "gender bias". Essentially, the only time a mother does not win custody is if she can be deemed "unfit", due to drugs or extreme circumstances. Even homeless mothers win custody here...since we have many women/children shelters, etc. It's really disturbing that the courts do not really have the best interest of the child as their main focus. At the time of his ex-wife's affair, the children were ages 1 & 4. Since they were babies (toddler) he felt that the kids should stay in their home, and with his work schedule at the time, it just made more sense for her to stay in the house. He got an apartment closeby with the understanding that it would be temporary while they "worked on it". Obviously, the outcome was different than the plan. Trust me, if he could have changed the outcome of the custody situation, he would have. Initially, they had joint custody, 50/50 split. When she decided to move, she filed for sole physical, joint legal. He fought it and lost. The judge thought that her soon-to-be new husbands job promotion was more important than children having close, easy access to both parents. That was the sole deciding factor...her husbands increased income. So they can use spouse income to decided custody, but they won't use it to calculate child support...go figure...great court system.

I do think that it goes back to childhood abuse, & that the reason it's so common is that abuse is so common. My friend's sister (Mary)is the older child, my friend (Susan) is the younger one. Susan has told me: their mom tried suicide a number of times. Mary started getting pregnant at *13*, & this was back in the 1960's. Mary "hated" her mom & wanted her dad to marry her. Her dad coerced her mom to accompany him when he tied Mary up & took her to a back-street abortionist. The mother had to hold Mary down until the drugs took effect, Mary screaming hysterically the whole time. *The dad was the calm in the center of the storm*, at that time & forever after. (Remember what I said about the only calm one in a family of hysterics? *That's the guy who's in control.*) I'd bet money that that dad was the father of that first pregnancy, & that he'd been sexually abusing Mary long before she was old enough to conceive. Yet, Susan refuses to consider that it isn't all Mary's fault; Susan worships her dad, feels that her mom was a tragic & flawed person, & blames Mary for the chaos & misery in Mary's own life & the chaos & misery she's dealt to everyone in her circle. & Mary, like my mother, *has* dealt a great deal of misery; Mary's daughters are in professions such as stripping. she often threatens to "take custody" of her grandchildren. she's befriended one pregnant girl after another for years & years, trying to coerce them into giving their babies to her. she's had many many pets, but she always exchanges an adult pet for a new "baby". & she never never never let go of the desire to have her father love her. Mind you, she's a holy terror, & I'm afraid of her. but she's been wronged & damaged to a devastating degree, *& nobody will acknowledge it*. Susan, like so many younger children in abusive families, just doesn't see it. They aren't "supposed to", & they aren't inclined to, because acknowledging that the victim doesn't deserve ill treatment means that they could be ill-treated, too. My brother is like that. He severed communication with me & our other brother years ago - thank goodness, because all he ever said to either of us, or about either of us, was how horrible we are & how he is just entirely different. According to him, he's the only one who deserves respect, decency, & success. It's just the dynamics of the matter, just the way those things go. & there's no "fixing" the problem; Mary & the many others like her will keep trying to get love from people who are just like the one who mis-treated them. I did it myself for years, until illness finally slowed me down so much that I had time to sit & think. I guess that was the blessing of my illness, & it was a big one for which I'm grateful. uh. what was the question? I think that so often the ex-wives, the mothers of your stepchildren, sound exactly like abused women, & their marriages *cannot* work out. It's just the dynamics, & it looks insane to anyone who hasn't had similar experiences.

Of course it's not that simple you pompus pain in my a$$. This child does NOT have a learning disability. She's 13, she's hormonal, and she's gone from an environment where her BM did not correct her for bad grades to an environment where it's expected (by her father) that she do as well as she can. She was allowed to slide on every D or below by her BM. This child is not stupid as her grades the past two weeks have shown, and she does not have a learning disability. She simply doesn't want to apply herself. Question though.... Since when did you become an expert in my state's special education system? As a special education instructor of 6 years(yeah that's right.) as well as a qualified Calculus and trigonometry teacher I think I'd know a little more about the system here considering I fight for the kids in my system daily. You haven't seen learning disabilities until you've actually been there. That website doesn't show junk. It was written by a bunch of stuffed shirt politicians who wouldn't know a learning disability from a rock. "Child Find." The state must identify, locate, and evaluate all children with disabilities in the state who need special education and related services. To do so, states conduct "Child Find" activities. A child may be identified by "Child Find," and parents may be asked if the "Child Find" system can evaluate their child. Parents can also call the "Child Find" system and ask that their child be evaluated. Or Referral or request for evaluation. A school professional may ask that a child be evaluated to see if he or she has a disability. Parents may also contact the child's teacher or other school professional to ask that their child be evaluated. This request may be verbal or in writing. Parental consent is needed before the child may be evaluated. Evaluation needs to be completed within a reasonable time after the parent gives consent." That's step one. "THE STATE MUST identify, locate, and evaluate all children with disabilities in the state who need special education and related services." The state. Different states, different procedures. As we were concerned about this child when she came to live with us we had her tested before she was properly enrolled in school. By the schools and by private methods. As her grades from the previous year showed that she did well the first semester and dropped off towards the end of the year, as a parent and as an instructor, of course I was concerned. So the tests. As I've said probably 50 times before this child shows NO sign of a learning disability. Her vision has been tested twice in 6 months because she does wear glasses, and that's a concern also. Care to grill me some more. Want me to fax you the copies of the test scores and outcomes? A therapists notes? A graph of her sleep cycle? A copy of my grocery lists? Hell we'd might as well be thorough here since you're such an expert.