Im hoping you can give my your advice IÂm in the process of moving in with my boyfriend. He and I have been together for about 2 ½ years now and weÂve been staying at either his place or mine nearly every night for about a year. For approximately the past 4-5 months, weÂve been staying at his place. About a month ago, he suggested that I bring more of my clothing over and leave it at his place (I used to stop at my apartment and change before work), and weÂve been talking more and more about my moving in soon. This might seem like a natural progression, but here is where I need your advice: He has a 28yo SD (from his past marriage) who moved back into his house temporarily 4 years ago after college and she feels very threatened by my presence.
SD has hated me with a passion since she met me two years ago (before making an effort to get to know me). She does not like change, has very few friends, and is generally very suspicious of others. To illustrate: If I ask her if sheÂd like to have dinner with us or if she needs anything since IÂm going to the store, she cites this as evidence of me "pressuring" her or being sneaky and manipulativeÂlooking for an "in" so that I can hurt her and my bf later! My bf says that this reaction isnÂt specific to me; this is just how she is. He met her when she was 17 and it took two years for her to start talking to him. As recently as March, she told my bf that I wasnÂt good for him and that she wanted to find him a better gf. This is when he told her I was going to move in. Mind you, at that point, she and I still hadnÂt had more than a few very brief conversations about benign things like how she likes her new job and where she got her cool lounge pants, she has never had a long-term relationship, and she shuts herself in her room the moment I arrive. Given her history--of finding it difficult to accept new people--I expected that integrating a new person into her life and her home would be tough, but I had high hopes that we could work things out over time. I was told by my bf that she'd have to get used to me being around and she'd have to learn by experience with me that I'm a decent person.
My bf and I have both been married before and his ex-wife was very destructive when she left about 4-5 years ago. On top of leaving the house in a shambles, she left him with very few possessions that are in good shape and really soaked him financially. So, weÂve been trying to make everything look nice again without upsetting his very sensitive SD and weÂve been walking on eggshells quite a bit over the past couple of years. WeÂve also been slowly reorganizing his house, working on cleaning out the basement and garage, etc. IÂve brought almost nothing over to his place to avoid upsetting her or making her feel that too much is changing at one time. Though, I have purchased a few things here and there, such as a bath mat and a cutting board, and my bf has purchased a few things too. Recently, he has encouraged me to bring a few of my household things over; so, I brought some cooking utensils, spices, and 12 matching drinking glasses. More about this in a moment.
Given his SDÂs many negative reactions to me and her difficulty with change, we have done things very, very slowly. In fact, I only recently (in the past 3 weeks) started doing things in the kitchen such as cooking, dishes, and wiping off the stove and counter. This was a huge step and it was done with much trepidation as I did the dishes twice this winter, thinking I was helping out, and she had a huge problem with that. So, my bf asked me not to do that anymore since she is sensitive about it. Of course, she regularly piles food-encrusted dishes in the sink to the point that the sink cannot be used and there is no clean flatware! Not to mention the pieces of food, crumbs, and spilled sauce she frequently leaves on the counter.
Getting back to the 12 glasses and other kitchen items.
The day I brought those things over, I called my bf and told him I was bringing a few things from my kitchen (recall, this is his house and he has encouraged me to do thisÂit wasnÂt a surprise move on my part). He responded positively when he saw what I brought and was looking at the spices and talking with me about them when she arrived home. She stopped in her tracks, asked what was going on and where the glasses came from. One thing led to another and, within a few minutes, she was using words such as "invasive" to describe the situation. Well, as unpleasant as that was, it turned out to be a good opportunity to try to talk with her and demonstrate that IÂm a reasonable, okay person. This was actually the first time she had even the semblance of a conversation with me about something meaningful. I did tell her that I really appreciated that she said what was bothering her and I did try to problem-solve, but we didn't get very far unfortunately. My bf headed off her attempt to nix the inclusion of my glasses in the cabinet, saying that they matched and that one of his goals was to make the house look nicer and have things that match so that it looks less like a dorm room. She argued a bit, saying something about having rules for roommates (I appeared to be the "roommate"), but then she dropped it.
So, the next day, we arrived home after a 1-day business trip and she said that she had a "genius idea." Since he wants the house to look less like a dorm, why doesnÂt he give her some money and sheÂll buy some things to decorate the house! Initially, he said he wouldnÂt be adverse to that, but he quickly said that he would need to think about it. Now, IÂm ordinarily a reasonable and calm person, but I really reacted negatively to this (after she went in her room). I felt like I was having an anxiety attack. My breathing was very shallow, I felt light-headed, and my entire body was shaking.
For me, this was the last straw. Here is this grown woman living rent-free, not helping with the house or yard in any appreciable way, doing and saying things that are disrespectful to both me and my bf (I havenÂt said much about this or the derogatory name she used to call me behind my back!)Â and my interpretation is that she is basically saying that she not moving out anytime soon and she is undermining my growing status in the home. I mean, if she is supposed to be moving out soon, and my bf and I are building a life together, shouldn't we decorate the house in our style? We've actually been talking about our ideas lately regarding what we want to do with the house.
I am absolutely disgusted with her at this point. I told my bf that IÂve reached the end of what I can tolerate from her and that, if he and I are going to build a life together, it has got to be without her because, despite my many attempts to be friendly and tolerant, I have been rejected and undermined repeatedly. WeÂve had several conversations about her over the past year and, though he says he also wants her to move out, he says that he doesnÂt know how to make it happen and that she has virtually no disposable income. Of course, the new car, new laptop, and desire to live about 40 minutes away from where she works probably donÂt help much in that regard.
My bf and I talked for over an hour last night. I left and stayed at my own apartment for the night and told him that I intend to do so until she has moved out. He talked with her last night and she claimed that she was only trying to be nice when she offered to decorate, and that she knew that sheÂd have to move out when I move in, but that she canÂt afford it and has no friends or family who can take her in, etc. He and I talked this morning and didnÂt reach any conclusion other than determining that he wasnÂt prepared to do any concrete problem-solving then and didnÂt know when he would be, and he feels that IÂm being bitter and not being compromising. I agreed. I do feel bitter and I don't want to keep making compromises that don't result in boundary-setting, planning, or change.
I feel bad about the situation she is in, but I gave it an honest effort for 2 years and I do feel bitter about the way she has acted toward meÂand the fact that he has said he is unhappy with her there and wants her out, but he has not been firm about it and has not actively problem-solved and investigated reasonable alternative living arrangements with her. I feel that IÂve tried and have tolerated more than a lot of people would have, and it has not significantly changed anything. She is no closer to moving out (in reality vs. in theory) than she was a year ago.
Apologies for the giant tirade I am just feeling like this has all finally come to a head and I need to either leave the situation entirely or some serious changes need to happen. At this moment, I feel that the dynamics btwn the three of us are such that it is not reasonable for us to all live together. Friends and family IÂve talked to have all strongly warned me not to move in until SD moves out. I love my bf dearly and donÂt want our relationship to end, but IÂm really worried about this situation, what it will do, and what it IS doing to us. Am I being unreasonable and reactive? What would you do?? Thank you in advance for your feedback!
kathline
finedreams
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