Bio-Mom badmouthing to children

15 years ago

How do you handle BM making snide and hurtful comments to children about time at your house? We have tried talking to her about directing her frustrations to us, but she always has some reason not to.

Today was exchange morning, and when FDH brought boys back to BM's they were excited to tell her that they beat us in baseball last night (we play baseball games frequently in the backyard). BM immediately told the boys (in front of FDH) that they only won "because they let you win".

The boys are 4 and 7. I don't see why she couldn't just be supportive and encouraging of their excitement. But because it involved fun at our house she crushed it. This is a constant problem we run into, the kids want to share, but she is always making bitter comments to their detriment.

FDH has tried to talk to BM about not speaking to the kids this way, but she always says something like "they should know the truth."

Does anyone else have a BM who makes hurtful remarks toward the children? I am wondering if we should talk to the kids about it directly (since BM seems unwilling to stop), or just let it go? I'm concerned it is getting to the point of constant bad-mouthing, and the kids are caught in the middle...

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Comments (3)

ashley1979
15 years ago
UMMMMMMMMMM yeah.......I'm sure all of us SMs and FSMs can relate. FSD's BM told her that FDH would rather go to my DSs stuff than hers. That is not the case and never has been. As a matter of fact (and it really is fact), my DS has suffered the most because FDH did to not attend one single event for DS the first 4 years we were together while he over-indulged FSD. But FSD believes everything her mom says so she believed this lie. BM just said it because FSD wouldn't divulge a conversation she and I had about lying to her father to BM. Well, needless to say, FSD did divulge the conversation, BM took it all wrong and called FDH about it crying and screaming. All the while causing the start of a seed of jealousy in FSDs head towards DS.
imamommy
15 years ago
I would ignore it. If BM has already said "they should know the truth' or justifies her actions, then there really is nothing you can do about it. She doesn't know if you let them win. She is hurting her kids by making THEM feel bad and it will likely bite her in the butt eventually.

Sadly, the kids are going to be stuck in the middle (of her jealousy) and all you can do is be supportive of them. When they come to you and say 'my mom said ---- " and it's something bad, you can say "sorry she feels that way". If BM makes comments like that in front of you, smile and tell SC you love them, have fun, see you next time, etc. Ignore any remark BM makes and leave. If she's really jealous, you might avoid a face to face exchange and perhaps drop the kids off with a babysitter and let her pick them up so you don't have to see each other. That isn't going to stop her from making remarks like that, but it can reduce her hostility if it bothers her to see you or her ex. (just an idea)

As for telling kids the truth, my SD's mom talked openly about their child support and custody case with SD. When DH told her to keep SD out of it (because SD was coming home mad at DH for taking her mom to court) BM said she isn't going to hide anything from her daughter. Of course, when she cancels a weekend to spend time with her BF's kids, she doesn't want her DD to know the true reason. The difference is that if my DH were to tell his daughter that her mom prefers spending time with BF's kids instead of her, SD is the one that is going to be hurt. Sure, SD may get mad at BM, but she is also going to be hurt that her mom would do that to her. Some parents don't think of how their kids see it, they only see how they (as adults) see it.
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lovehadley
15 years ago
Sorry to hear this is happening. I can so relate. My STBSS's BM has for YEARS said negative things about me, my fiance and our home together. She tells him all the time that I'm not his mom so he doesn't have to listen to me. (I am responsible for him from about 4 pm-6:30 or 7 pm on the evenings we have him, and all day every other Saturday--so he kind of does need to listen! LOL)

She's told him that my daughter is stupid, that his dad loves us more than him, and almost everything we do with the kids she makes fun of. We go to a lot of musicals/plays with them, whihc she just thinks is hilarious, for some reason. Last musical we went to, STBSS told us his mom thinks plays are "dorky."

Ima is right, though, you unfortunately cannot and will not be able to stop BM from saying these things. The best you can do is try not to let it get under your skin (I know it's hard!) and not give the boys a reaction. Just do like Ima said and say "that's too bad she feels that way": whenever they say something negative their mom has said.

I personally think it is the mark of a VERY insecure and jealous BM who would actively try to destroy a relationship between a child and his/her father and stepfamily. After all, as parents, don't we all just want our kids to be happy? When BMs say bad things to the kids about the other parent, it really does only hurt the kids. My STBSS is 6 years old now and for the last year, this stuff has really started to impact him...he is obviously so conflicted and guilt-stricken and CONFUSED about things his mom tells him. It is really sad to see it happen. :(

Bio-Mom badmouthing to children

Comments (3)

ashley1979

imamommy

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