If she hasn't completed the court-ordered parenting classes & education about autism, is that not something like contempt of court? I'm sure some of the wise women here who've experienced legal entanglements will know more, but I can at least recommend that you document, document, document; keep a diary, & record every communication, every time she's supposed to be there & isn't (or cancels), etc. Also, print out those facebook posts. Meanwhile, it doesn't sound like she's been around enough for him to wonder why he isn't with her. He might just as easily ask why he isn't with the postman or the Sunday school teacher. If he were to say something, I think I'd practice the age-old parental strategy of distraction. "Oh, I dunno, honey...Hey, look, there's a squirrel in the back yard!"

//But.. it's good to know my feelings are not considered.// Well, hopefully they are fully considered by your husband and your family and friends. But it's unrealistic to expect your DH's ex-wife to care when she didn't care about her own husbands' feelings when she was stealing from them. You have to be realistic, she's not going to care; and if she's a certain kind of person, she may get satisfaction out of the fact that she's got you so steamed. Yes, good stepmoms ARE so unappreciated. But hopefully not by your husband. Doesn't he appreciate how hard you try. You say that this all started because after 13 years of badgering, you just found out that she's been badmouthing you and DH. Well, that's not very pleasant, it's down right rude, but...you are badmouthing her as well. She's a neglient, selfish, trampy mom, per you. How much does it really matter? Who's she talking to and how does it effect your life? Part of growing up is realizing that no matter how nice you are, how much you do, how hard you try, there are going to be people who really don't like you and will criticize. It's their problem. Did you know there are a number of people who have some pretty nasty things to say about Mother Teresa? Even Jesus himself was horribly reviled. You are in good company. It's not that I'm not sympathetic, I am. My DH's ex calls up child abusers; calls my kids the 'stepbrats'; claims I stole her husband (didn't meet DH until 3 years after her divorce, lived 1200 miles away), her children (she lost custody and got herself supervised visitation two years before I knew of DH's existence), her house (actually altho she uses our address on her license, she never lived here and it's MY house), everything she ever had (huh, it always gets dumpstered when she's evicted), ruined her reputation in California (never been there, we live in FL), took her nursing license away (nope, has nothing to do with the missing drugs from the hospital she worked at), blah, and blah, and blah... But what does it matter. I made it VERY clear to my husband she is to call him at work or on his cell; after she left a series of VM's and screaming phonecalls calling me a whore and my kids stepbrats, I informed, not asked him, but informed him that if she called the house, I'd hang up on her. I've hung up on her without a word, before she could get 3 words out, probably over a hundred times. She did finally stop calling. She's not allowed at our house, I will not facilitate any of her rare visitations, I don't talk to her, I don't see her, I don't deal with her. You can't change her to make her appreciative or to make her a cooperative ex or to make her a good mother. But you can change yourself so you gain distance and disengage. Why do you care that she has lots of boyfriends? (I know you are going to say because it effects stepD). Why do you care what she does while stepD is with you? Why do you need or expect her gratitude? I know there are hundreds of ways for her to harass you and DH and play games. I know what an aggravation and expense she's been. But disengaging from her and her antics profits you. You need to build a nice thick bullet proof acrylic wall between your life and hers, like those at banks. Let her go to live her messed up life. Let her go so you can live yours unmolested. And you are very, very right: good stepmothers (and stepfathers) are not recognized or much appreciated. I'm glad you are a good stepmom, despite what stepdaughter officially recognizes, she does know it, and your efforts have made her world a better place, and because her life was better because of your good heart and generous spirit, the whole world is a bit better. Think of it this way. StepD might never, ever realize how much she got from you and how good you were to her, but when she mothers her own children, the only good mothering she knows will be an inheritance from you. And the investment you made in one girl, which might not have shown immediate fruit, will pay off perhaps in two or three stepgrandchildren.

Point taken, wrychoice, this one does hit home and I'm having a bad day. I think what gets my dander up about hopper2008's posts is what other people have cited (the apparent arrogance and the striking need to prove herself superior, esp. to the former wife & kids), but perhaps I'm taking it more personally because of my situation. The only other thing I really reacted to that other people hadn't already mentioned as irritating is the projection factor. That is, hopper2008 making it out like SD is the one being childish, unreasonable, immature, insecure and manipulative about this situation. Which may very well be the case, but if hopper2008 isn't in some way, at some level, tugging the other end of the rope, then it's a non-issue. If it's a non-issue, then Hopper2008 would simply make sure her husband knows it's okay for him to go to his daughter's wedding without her (and doesn't stand on any principle or misplaced idealism about unity, loyalty or whatever and create a very difficult situation for DH and SD on her wedding day b/c she can't face the reality that she and SD simply don't get along and pushes it at the wrong time & circumstance.) I guess I reacted especially much to the projection aspect because my Dad's wife plays that game of telling herself & other people similar things (i.e. "whatever HE wants to do"; "HE's choosing to do such-and-such"). It's crap, don't buy it if you ever hear this sort of thing. No parent except the lowest form would EVER so quickly and unequivocably "choose", "freely", to leave their kid in the lurch, even if said kid was being a brat. These husband/fathers DO NOT WANT TO TURN THEIR BACKS ON THEIR CHILDREN and they DO NOT do so easily. I mean, unless they are scum, in which case I'd have to ask why anyone would want to be with scum like that. These men (or women, when it's women in these situations) may seem like they are "choosing", but they are BACKED AGAINST THE FRIGGIN' WALL and make these apparent "free choices" under tremendous duress of one sort or the other. For example, I know this because my Dad got me a plane ticket to visit him behind my SM's back (via money order) and always calls me when she isn't around; he called NINE TIMES on and around X-mas ---when she was out--- because he felt so guilty about telling me I couldn't come. Because it wasn't what HE wanted. I know for a fact that SM was telling people "he decided" to not have me there, b/c he was so "disappointed" in me, or whatever the H3LL.... Meanwhile, these "independent decisions" of his always seem to benefit SM, for example HER sister and brother-in-law were there at Christmas in my place, and she got some home improvements done (FOR her not BY her, to be sure). My SM isn't fooling anybody! (Well, I can't say that.... she's not fooling ME and several others ---including my Dad--- but maybe she's fooling somebody somewhere.) In this kind of scenario, if a parent seems to be making a choice to turn their back on their child ---especially on a really important or significant occasion like a wedding that they would otherwise never want to miss--- and their spouse is acting all "my dog ain't in that fight", or more obviously, even GLOATING about the parent's "choice": look closer, ask some more questions. Barring possible reasons such as the most scummy good-for-nothing parent or child on the planet, in most average situations with average people with average issues and flaws, there is more going on than meets the eye. It's more than one person tugging the rope. One way or another, the spouse is also manipulating the situation, or at the very least, is getting a big payoff (emotional, financial, circumstantial, etc.) from just "sitting back" and 'watching" the fight. Saying things in plain English (i.e. "don't go to your daughter's wedding without me or I will be very upset and might divorce you") is only one possible method of getting one's point across. Other methods include: -The Silent Treatment -Sexual Freeze-Out -Generally Being a Stone-Cold B***h Until He Changes the Situation to Your Way -Acting all Hurt and Crying ("Why Doesn't SD Love Me?!?!") to Play the Victim -"Forgetting" to Do Something You Promised (such as get groceries to have food in the house) So He Gets the Hint You're Not Pleased About X situation -"Forgetting" to Give Him His Prescription Medications That You've Made him Dependent On You For So He Gets the Hint... (a favorite tactic of my SM's; actually all of these are) ...and there's probably myriad other sick, twisted ways of controlling a situation that aren't even occuring to me because I'm just not that perverse. (Would have to get in that Stephen King "Misery" headspace to comprehend it more thoroughly.) Admittedly I have some bitterness about my personal stepfamily dynamics (on one side of the family anyways), but apart from any offense it gives anyone, I hope that at least hopper2008 and perhaps anyone else who feels they relate to her will perceive in my words the effect that her apparent attitude may inspire in an SD in that kind of situation. And to just be careful, as kkny said, about the hubris factor. It's humbling to hear it, but hopefully it puts things in perspective b/c it's never a good idea to go around thinking of oneself as being perpetually in a catbird seat. Not with the way our society and relations between men and women tend to go. Plus I think it's good 'tactical' advice, to be kind of Sun Tzu about it: a strategic choice to 'lose the battle' (over being at the wedding) in order to 'win the war', or at least *appear* the bigger person and pre-empt any feeling DH might develop about being on a leash and starting to resent it. (Men tend to wriggle out of a leash millimeter by millimeter... you don't see it coming, and then poof! They're gone! Or even worse, they stay...) This particular advice isn't meant to be about pleasing the man, or the SD, but covering your own behind and not thinking you're invincible or always going to win.... or even always going to be around! So picture the points I made in my last post but with a bit less 'edge'... and hopefully it's illuminating.

Custody and access are two seperate things. BD has always had joint custody. It's called joint conservators. He has not always had access. He had supervised access. Joint conservatorship basically means we both have exclusive rights and duties to the child. I have two exclusive rights he does not have. The right to designate residence and the right to make educational decisions. We both have the right to seek medical treatment, provide shelter, food and clothing; the right to inform the other conservator of any info concerning health, welfare and education. We both have the right to religious guidance. He has a duty I do not have and that is to provide child support payments in X amount per month. As far as access it's about 60/40 now. It's called expanded standard possession. He has set weekends and days of the week, we split spring break, christmas and thanksgiving. He has superior rights to designate his access during the summer. My access is all other times not outlined as his possession time. Sole custody is extremely hard to get. Even with all of the mess we have been through, bd has always been a joint conservator he just had limited Access for a while. If I had sole custody I would not have to tell him anything about health, school etc. He would not be able to confer with the school. Even with limited access he still had a right to speak to teachers or to get medical records. With expanded standard possession during the school year, on a month with 30 days, Bd has 12 days, I have 18 days. During the summer he averages about 40 total days and I average about 46 give or take a few during a summer break of about 88 days. That almost 50:50 during the summer. Does that make sense?