Marriage in trouble/near end/ need advice!!

20 years ago

Hello Everyone!!

Im not real sure where to start, so I will start from the beginning. I have been married for 4 years, together we have 5 children, 4 live with us, 18 year old step daughter; 16 year old son; 14 yr son and 13 yr son. His 14 year old son comes to visit in the summer. My husband has expressed to me that he has a "deep seeded HATE" for my 16 year old. My son had a lot of problems with my husband from the start. My husband is not nice when he talks to any of my children, he reminds me of a Bully, he is constantly laughing AT them not with them. Of course, he is always "playing" so no one is allowed to get mad. Anyway, my husband is very critical of EVERYTHING anyone does except his children. His son is down for the summer, which happens to be at the time of my 16 year olds birthday, so as you can imagine, my son did not have much of a b day, the focus was certainly NOT on him. WHen I talked to my husband a bout it, he said "Oh, so we are feeling sorry for Josh again." He said it in a baby voice and always calls my son JOSHIE to be an A__ __. This has been going on for the past 4 years, the communication has LEFT our relationship and we get along 1-3 days of the week. If we talk about anything, he usually gets mad and makes terrible comments about my past relationship. For ex. a few days ago, I expressed how I felt about the comments he had made, I told him he hurt my feelings and he responded, "Well, I guess all I need to do know is get drunk and hit you." I was in a VERY abusive relationship with my childrens father for 10 years and he uses that as a slap EVERYTIME he gets mad. I am seriously going out of my mind. My home is tense and unhappy most of the time. I do not know what to do!!

Help!!

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Comments (8)

trixie_bee
20 years ago
My advice is to step back and try to take a long, hard look at your marriage. Do you really love this man? From what you've said, it appears that you may be in yet another abusive marriage. This time the abuse seems to be verbal and not physical. That is just as damaging to you and your children as physical abuse. The bruises and hurts don't show on the outside, but inside, where they are even more damaging. The damage is done to your very soul. The damage that your husband is doing to your children is horrible and a danger to their well being. Boys who grow up in homes where the man is abusive to the woman often end up being abusers later in life, simply because of what they have experienced and seen from the 'dads' who are supposed to be role models. You do not need to be in a situation where your home, your place that should be one of safety and rest, is so unpleasant for you and your children. Am I right in understanding that the 16, 14 and 13 year old sons are by your first husband? Please consider all your options. Is there someone you can talk to? Your clergyman? You can always go to marriage couseling on your own for help in assessing your marriage. WEAVE is a very good source of information and help. If you are really sincere in your wish to remove yourself from your present situation, you need to contact someone who can help you. I wish you the very best.
sweeby
20 years ago
Trixie's right -- You ARE in an abusive marriage. Only this time, instead of hitting you, it's verbal and psychological abuse. And it won't get any better because your husband doesn't believe there's a problem. Certainly not with HIM. Can't you take a joke? Why are you making such a big deal out of things?

How do I know? Because I was married to his clone for 10 years.
And it's taken me 15 years to recover and heal. (2 years in therapy)

Trixie's also right about what you are teaching your children. You are teaching them that this is the way husband's treat wives. That it's OK to hit, insult, demean and abuse the people you love. That you (and they) deserve to be treated like this. Is that what you want them to learn?

The second you decide firmly in your mind to leave this man and provide a loving, emotionally stable, home for your children is the second you will begin to get stronger. The day one of you leaves the house for good is the day your new, positive, life begins. You may feel scared, but you will also feel a lightening of your load that goes almost beyond belief. (When I left my exhole, I remember dreaming about beautiful sparkling-clean windows with sunshine outside and an incredible sense of opportunity.)

Get your ducks in a row. Find out where the money is, and talk to a lawyer. If you've been out of the job market for a while, dust off your skill set. Volunteer if necessary, (while he's still paying the bills) to get up-to-date work experience. Just don't do nothing!
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Thanks for all the responses! Here's just a couple quick replies: @sylviatexas I did not intentionally "catch" her doing it. She would go to bed at the usual time at night and I'll usually still be up 2 hours after she's already sleeping. I accidently catch her because I'll be ready for bed and she'll be doing the "deed." To me, it's not invasion of privacy because I didn't know she was doing it and the fact that I'd like to sleep in my own bed. As far as my mood swings, keep reading below. @scarlett2001 As far as me being a manic-depressive, again read on below. As far as you analogy goes, I agree with you for the most part. I did seek help for myself, and it helped tremendously (again, read on below). She's still trying to resolve herself. I posted this on the internet to see if people with simlilar problems might have some insight and maybe give me some advice about the current situation. I don't see anything wrong with comparing notes. The follow up: I was seeing a therapist for a good 6 months after this post (between July-December 2013), and she "helped" me a lot. The reason I say "helped" is not because she directly helped me, but because she was more there for me to vent off my issues. She gave me a minimul amount of advice in return, which I didn't mind, because again - she was there to just listen. I do vent to friends from time to time, but you can only be negative to a certain extent without pushing them away. I stopped seeing her after 6 months because the cost was slowly draining my finances. I started making sure I began seeing a more positive side to my life. I have great kids that I love dearly, and they show it back. I have good friends that stuck with me for a good while with everything that has been going on. I have a family that cares for me as much as I care for my kids and wife. I started doing hobbies and recreations that I used to enjoy (fishing, racquetball, generally being out with friends and family). I'm enjoying life more than I should have, like a piece of an unfinished puzzle that's been missing for the past 6 years. So as far as being a manic depressive and having mood swings, they're pretty much non-existent. As far as me and my wifes relationship goes, it's still a bit rocky. She has her own issues to deal with that she has expressed to me that "it's not you, it's me." As cliche as that sounds, that's what she believes. I try to not to take things so personnally anymore. I will always be there for her no matter what. We still feel like borderline room mates, but we're trying to get past that. The way we are trying to work things out is having basically a weekly session of what's on our minds (good and bad). She has been pretty shut in since my last post, but she's slowly working on opening up. We're trying to make a date night, but money is tight and it extremely hard to find a babysitter. We try to make up for it by having a couples dinner and/or a movie here and there. I'm hoping it works out, only time will tell.
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organic_maria
20 years ago
I agree with trixie and sweeby. he was like this at the beginning when you married him? I'm sorry, but if i had a man who didnt' like my older son with no good reason, i would have dumped him. Period.
I would start looking for a job. Prep yourself. Get some cash on the side. First try counseling. SAY NOTHING TO YOUR HUBBY.Make sure you are saving your cash in an account he is unaware. Or joint account it under you and your sons. If counselingis working...great. But i see verbal abusiveness and this guy sounds like an ass himself. If the couseling doesn't..bide your time , save a nest egg and run. Get a good lawyer. Make sure you can even start taking things out of teh house ..small stuff that were yours from before the marriage. Your son is 16...does he work? you can even go as far as getting an apartment for your son, make sure its a big one to accomodate you and your 2 other sons. Give stuff of yours to him . say its starting gifts. Your hubby will prob think nothing of it. He maybe even happy to see him go. And within the year..after you get a job make arrangments. I know its caniving...but..its survival.
First talk to a professional. Seek counseling. If it doesn't go well...then resort to secrecy and prep yourself and your kids.
Good luck.
weed30 St. Louis
20 years ago
She can't open any type of bank account. All assets are marital property, and any accounts are split, even if her son's name is on the account with her. She would have to prove that this is a separate asset, and the only thing that usually qualifies is an inheritance. Even then, the inheritance cannot be deposited into a marital bank account, because then it is considered 'commingled', and half belongs to the spouse. Sad but true.

And I agree, he is verbally and emotionally abusive, HE WILL NOT CHANGE, EVER, (first hand experience), and you should absolutely make plans to get out of this marriage.
sweeby
20 years ago
You could open up a new bank account and use it for saving money. But just because you opened it up and put the money into it, that doesn't mean it's yours, not his. It would be a community-property bank account with cash. That cash might be needed for hotel or apartment bills, lawyers fees, other divorce-related expenses. Overall, not a bad idea. (Only the trying to take all of it idea is bad.)
organic_maria
20 years ago
i guess laws are really different in quebec. My hubby and i have separate accounts with the understanding that whatever in them is ours and if we want we could open another account to pool our money. Verbal aggreements are respected in thsi province. But you should get out. I usually say to work on things and give things chances but i dont think this situation was concrete from the start. (with the info that has been given. ) But yes...open an account to pay for lawyers. At least the money will go there and not in his hands. Cause i'm sure once the legal matters begin the new account will be spent.
As for property before her marriage should be hers and hers to start taking out. Regardless of marriage. Unless that is different inthe states as well? I know whatever was mine before stays with me. Good luck!
Keep us posted!
blb0067
Original Author
20 years ago
Thank you for all your advice. Fortunatly for me, I do have a great job and I have only 4 months until I get my Bachelors, so I think I will be okay. He just decided only a few moments ago that he was going to move out. I decided to tell him how I felt and all the things I have been holding in just came out. He did not appreciate it, first I called him at work to "dump" on him and second I did not give him the opportunity to speak. So, he said he was going to get a house today. He is the Dept of Chair at a local University, so he can get a house on campus for faculty. We will see what happens, in the mean time, I am putting a stop to my direct deposit, finding out how much everything is to get in my name. I thank you so much for giving me the advice I needed. My children DO DESERVE to grow up in a STABLE/LOVING enviroment. THank You!!!
sweeby
20 years ago
It hurts, I know, but that actually sounds like really good news. And it's good that you have a great job and just a few more months to get your degree. Things are definitely moving in the right direction, and a new beginning is within sight.

Take some time to map out what you want to tell your kids. Don't bad-mouth him, no matter how you feel at the moment, (It won't really help.) then have a long heart-to-heart and ask for their help building a healthy new life.

Good luck - and please tell us how things are going.

Marriage in trouble/near end/ need advice!!

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trixie_bee

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Marriage in trouble/near end/ need advice!!

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trixie_bee

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