Hi rippey,

Welcome to this Forum.
I have been a step parent for 19 yrs. I understand how you feel but don't don't feel guily about how you are feeling today.

You may feel like you have some control issues but there are reasons for that and you are not the only one responsible for these feelings. As a woman, i know we usually take control of things and it happens with step children and later we feel sorry cuz we are not appreciated for what we have done.

Be good to yourself. Go read the book The Dance of Anger.

Cheers.
Keep posting.

I wasn't expecting a comment so soon(thank you) and your reply has reduced me to tears. Emotionally I am a wreck and I can't seem to get on top of it. I am an avid reader and will take your recommendation seriously.

Validation is so important and you have given me that...thank you for reaching out...

When was the last time you had a vacation?
Just you -- Or just you and some girlfriends?
A few days away can really, really help --

And I hate to sound dismissive, but are hormones an issue?
PMS, perimenopause or menopause?
They can whack even a super-sane woman over the head...

Rippey--

The very fact that you take at least some of the accountability & responsibility for the situation not being grand is already leaps & bounds over the worst of the problems that tend to arise in blended families (or any adverse interpersonal situation) where one or more parties absolutely refuse to admit they might have been less than perfect about something. It also indicates you are most likley less of a 'control freak' than you think you are, b/c part & parcel with being a control freak is having to be right about everything lest the world crumble and a spontaneous tribunal appears to condemn you to extreme punishment for every thing you ever did wrong.

Let's face it: the fundamental issue in any relationship ---but ESPECIALLY blended family relationships--- is power & control. It's a confusing, overwhelming and uncertain situation that everyone is thrown in and everyone feels powerless (even when they actually have all the power!). Who has power/control comes to equal who is most important, which in turn comes to equal who is loved the most and therefore who is safest in this uncertain situation from anything bad that could come from it. It's as simple as that. Every single person in a blended family has "control issues' of one sort or the other.... Not to mention the pressure to conform to ideals of new romance, second chances, and the Brady Bunch, as well as living up to a previous spouse, living up to the standards of a new parent and the terror of ejection from (another) family unit. So you're not alone! Blended families are really, really hard!

Hello Rippey, I am really new here myself and came because I too, hate what I can't control. Hate that I even want to control it, and thought I might be going crazy. I thought I was an equal partner in a marriage that was supposed to outlast raising our children(3 between us none together)now, I'm not so sure. You aren't alone. I admire your honesty :) What is bothering you today?

I feel exactly like you do sometimes. And I'm not even married, yet! We are planning it and we want to be married, but I could cut and run at any time. But our kids already have so much invested in us and eachother. And we have so much invested in eachother's kids. We love them and are involved (as much as possible) in their daily lives.

I have triggers. I know this. And I'm not meaning to boast, but at least I can admit they exist. That, to me, is the first step to disengaging from a particular problem. I am a very introspective person. Always trying to avert a problem as soon as I see it coming. When I was having a lot of problems with my X, I started doing everything possible to change how I let him effect me. When I did that, he changed the way he treats me. Granted, it's not perfect, but it's a whole lot better than it was.

FDH, on the other hand, is just now (after 6 years) realizing what his triggers are. He spent a long time in denial believing that he was handling everything just perfectly and that I just didn't know the whole story. It wasn't until we took a "break" that he did some long hard self-analyzation (which is never easy to do, especially for someone who thinks they're never wrong). He has a better perception of things now, as do I. But he's starting to slip back into the old pattern. I believe it's time again for a little introspection.

It is my belief that if you (and I mean this as step parents collectively) really love these people you've dedicated a portion of your life to(all of them), you will stop every now and then and do a little self-analyzation to at least fix yourself. In turn, it will alter how others behave and react. It seems like you are doing this now. Don't give up! You're on the right track!