Hey manda... have you been the fly on my wall... lol? Sounds like the insanity I am actively taking steps to get uninvolved with. My fiance's daughter does the same thing but she doesn't drool, she lets snot dangle from her nose. Atleast you are dealing with an eight year old... try having a conversation with a fourteen year old about behavorial issues while she cry's, keeps repeating "I don't know", provides absoluty no insight to her motive (although I am aware of what they are),purposely allows snot to hang from her nose, and then tells her Dad that you have been rude to her, just to have him tell her (SD) that its all his fault and you (SM) are just being dramatic, then takes her for ice cream, videos, and shopping. It's disgusting. You are not alone in your feelings. I too would have the disrespect dealt with and have tried and failed (I guess in my case, the kids won.. the evil stepmother walks away). Good luck to you... I do wish you the best, It is not an easy situation and now having lived it, I'll never attempt a relationship with a man with children again.

ranay,
If I knew then what I know now...whew.
This is my sd in 6 years. I know exactly what you are talking about. The "I don't know"....Uggh, that's my least favorite expression.
I did tell dh that if something didn't change, either with her or with his responses, I was going to have to do whatever it takes to make myself have the life I need. Made me sad, but my other kids and I don't deserve this and didn't sign up to be caretakers of problem children alone.
Thanks for your help and for sharing. Sad as it is, we're not alone.

How much of her tantrum do you think was "manipulative" and how much was "genuinely out of control melt-down"? From your description, it sounds to me like it may have started in the manipulative vein, then escalated when you carried her like a baby, restricting her physical ability to vent her emotional distress. (In kids with neurological issues, forcing physical contact can make a bad situation much worse.) When a child has completely lost control (some do - many don't), then IMO, the focus needs to be on the child's regaining self-control, not on regulating behaviors that are, for the moment at least, beyond the child's control.

Whenever my son got so upset that he couldn't express the problem, I would simply tell him that I couldn't understand him while he was crying like that, that I really wanted to know what the problem was, and that he needed to calm himself down so he could tell me and I could understand him. At this point, he usually got more angry and frustrated, and I would either busy myself with some household task or send him to his room to calm down. Once the noise died down, I'd return, tell him I was glad he had been able to calm himself down, and then he could usually explain the problem. If he had slammed doors or damaged anything during the meltdown, I'd explain firmly that behaviors like that were NOT APPROPRIATE and that they never worked.

Not really all that easy - but if you can remain calm and walk away from the tantrum, the situation is less likely to escalate out of control and SD will learn that tantrums don't have their desired effect. (And also, eventually, that the 'problem' that triggered the tantrum is right where it was before the melt-down.) Truly, I'm conviced that the secret to handling children's melt-downs is to first, remain totally calm yourself, detached even. And second, to separate yourself from the child. Walk away, send the kid to her room. Have a safe, isolated place where you can 'keep an ear' on her but stay out of sight. Let the child see that her emotional distress is her problem to solve - not yours, that while you care and are concerned, that she is NOT making you miserable. If your SD sees that she is getting to you, you have, in a sense, handed her a powerful weapon to use. She now knows that "the mommy card" is hers to use whenever the stakes get high enough or her behavior requires a 'trump card' excuse.

I can see why you're frustrated with how your DH handled it. But he's seeing how miserable his DD was also, not just how upset you were, and he's trying to placate you both. There does need to be some discussion of limits, and sooner would have been better -- but now isn't that bad a time. It has to be done when your SD is calm and ready to listen...

Wow, actually I have alot to say on this issue. First is she the Only child between the ex and him? and how long have you had custody of her? The youngest of my three step-daughters had much of the same behaviors when my husband and I married. She had been the "Baby" in the house and suddenly she had other siblings younger than her. She began acting horribly, and my husband like most men is easily manipulated by little girls.. True some of the behaviors could be associated with certain disorders... However I have found through all of the psycho-babble that even children with mental issues can and will be manipulative and decieving if their behavior gets them what they want. For example your SD may have wanted Daddy (he was at work) She throws a fit, and whallah Daddy takes her out the next day just her and him... I agree that this only reaffirmed her actions. Now had he told her "I had planned on us doing something together today, but because of your actions it will have to wait for another time." That may have nipped it in the bud... She got exactly what she wanted and completly underminded your authority. Has she seen a counselor and therapist? I would definately reccomend this, but also good old fashioned discipline... You need to sit down with your husband and tell him your honest opinions and feelings on the situation. Tell him you are stressed out. Together come up with certain disciplines and make him stick to them. We have six children in our home and I run it like a military boot camp... in the aspect that there is a certain time we do certain things. STRUCTURE is important in children's lives exspecially those with "issues". As soon as we stopped rewarding the bad behaviors and in turn rewarding the good ones, we saw significant improvements in our youg daughter's case. The next time she acts like a baby REFUSE to acknowledge her at all. Think about it, If a baby is spoiled they cry correct and the only way to break the habit is to allow them to cry sometimes. The same rings true with your SD. You spending all that time and energy on her tantrum also reaffirmed her actions. She had you sole attention for how long? I would refuse to even acknowledege my SD's outburst, I would continue what I was doing, or would join the other children watching a movie. If she entered the room still raging I would escort her to her room and say "I'm sorry only big girls get to stay up and watch movies, you are obviously a baby so you must stay in your room." After a few times of missed movies she would quiet down and come out of her room like nothing had happened. Also key if she stops the bad behavior and rejoins the family, DO NOT DOTE on her. Simply say "I'm glad you came out to sit with us. Do not mention the bahavior or say anything about her being good for stopping it! This will only give her the response she is seeking... Ignore the behavior not the child... If you ignore the behavior and she doesn't get the response she wants she will stop it. Also if several days/ or weeks go by with no outburst be sure to tell her you notice how well behaved she has been and you appreciate it. No matter what do not respond to her outburst in any way... I can tell you from experience that this is an attention seeking behavior and the child doesn't care if it is negative attetion or positive. It is the attention she wants, it is your job and your husbands to teach her how to properly get it.