I am a SM who is married and my dh has custody of his 3 kids. I have raised them for the last almost 3 years. (many women on here have done it much longer so they will be able to speak from more experience) Anyways, in my case the BM has little to do with the kids because she lives out of state and only calls about once a month. She has made comments to them about "if you lived with me then you could have.....and do....." Then they will say stuff like "my mom says....." I just smile and say "well ask her to send us money for it and I will sign you up for that out here...or we will take you to that out here." And I point out how much we paid for school registration, birthday parties, etc and tell them that we just can not afford to pay for it but would love for them to do it! After that my sd's never repeated stuff like that to me. Some may say that it is harsh, but I want to nip that kind of talk in the bud!

Her parents paid to have them come to their house for a few weeks this summer and their BM now lives with her parents again so she was there during the visit. The kids said their mom asked them if they would like to live there with her and the oldest said they told her they like visiting her!

The kids love me and call me mom (they asked me if they could :) ) They listen to me really well and they never tell me "your not my mom" etc.

When the youngest used to see his mom he would come back and tell me that "mommy says I don't love you" and he would hit and kick me. My dh would punish him for his actions and tell him how much his words hurt me. It eventually stopped. (he was about 2 1/2 at the time) In the beginning the older 2 girls told me stuff about their mom saying I do not know how to do girls hair well and silly things like that. I would just say "well I am out of practice doing girls hair and I will get better".

Now the only time that I feel the kids act different is when they do talk to their bm on the phone (or when they were visiting her and talking to us on the phone). The older 2 would refer to me by my first name (so they do not hurt her feelings or get in trouble I am sure).

But when they are home they are wonderful and all treat me the same as my bioson does. They tell me they love me and hug me, and the girls tell me stuff they would not feel comfortable talking to my dh about. When their friends come over they refer to me as their mom. I remember the cutest incident from my middle sd. She was talking to a new girl that moved by us and my sd had said something about my dh. The girl said she did not really know her dad and had not seen him in years. Then my sd said that she knows how that feels because does not see or talk to her real mom very much but that it is ok because she has a new mom who is awesome!

So, for now I would have to say they act as if they were mine. Not a day goes by where I regret the choice I made to marry their father and become their "mom". It can be rough at times, but I do feel that they appreciate what I do for them. But, I know that could change when they become teenagers and their bm tells them how much easier they would have it at their house. Ask me in a few years!

I thought he was mine but oh how wrong I was. BM left when he was 3 to "find herself" Gave up custody to husband. I came along when SS was 5 - married DH when he was 6. I did everything I thought I was suppose to do. I was determined not to treat him any different than if he really were my BC.

The years flew by mostly w/o BM in picture. DH never once received CS payment. Months would go by and SS would never even get a phone call and then out of the blue he would receive a post card from state hundreds of miles away.

Then SS turned 13 and BM moved back into area ready to be "mom" now. Based on her previous behavior, I thought supervised visitation would be good idea. I could go on and on about some of the things this BM did. DH disagreed. After all, no matter how neglectful, drug addicted, negative influenze she may be, she is still his mother. Ok can't argue with that.

Side Note here-
I have to wonder if TOS is not right about some things. As much as she angers SM on this forum, her posts have really made me reevaluate. Maybe DH should have told SS exactly what his BM was doing when she was doing it instead of shielding him from it. Maybe he wouldn't be in the mess he is in now.... I digress

Anyway, SS will be 16 in September and wants to live w/BM. No rules there, she allows him to do whatever, come and go as he pleases, drink, smoke pot, you name it. What I don't understand is he will defend her to no end, this woman who has done almost nothing for him his entire life, makes me rethink my position on nature vs. nurture. It is amazing how much like her he is even though she was never around while he was growing up. Manipulative liar and always the victim. Poor poor me and DH falls for it every time. Really, problem is DH for not putting his foot down. At this point nothing I can do, I disengaged about year ago.

So in answer to your question, we had great relationship when he was young, do not now. People keep telling me these are just teenage years and he will grow up and realize who cared and who didn't. I am not so sure. I do hold out hope that he will one day become a productive member of society and not turn out like his BM. I suppose only time will tell.

Hi, Mlly

I did the Alcohol 101, 201, and 301 with my step-son.

His mother, and both maternal grandparents were alcoholics.

What finally did it for SS was tough love.

He is now 25 and is doing well, and we finally have a relationship.

I was at the point of an ultimatum with DH, and insisted that SS go live with his mother, get rehab, and give up his car.

DH backed me up, and SS really responded.

He graduated from college last spring, and has a job.

At the time, I thought there was no hope, and I was at the end of my rope.

Now, things are totally 180 degress different.

Substance abuse is hereditary.

Also, my SS saw a psychiatrist who put him on some medication.

There are better days ahead, but it does not come from indulging him.

And yes, I've heard poor poor, me. Wah Wah Wah.
"Go call a Wahmbulance".

Good luck. xoxox