Thank you for the responses. I feel I do need to clarify that DS's "Bullying" is not much more than sitting too close, following SD around the house all the time, and a little of rough housing that goes a little too far for SD - like being traped in a corner. I don't over look it and I do stand up for SD when I feel she needs the support. But I also feel she needs to stand up for her self and tell anyone who is annoying her to stop, instead of just standing there waiting for an adult to come to her rescue - there will not always be an adult around. SO and I discussed this and he agrees that it would be best to encourage her to be more firm. Her temperment is very sweet and we can't expect her to always be firm but providing her with the tools to be firm in a time of need could help her in the future. When I hear her quiet sweet voice telling DS to stop, I always peak to make sure he does and if he doesn't I demand it myself. In the future we decided that we would encourage SD to speak loader and more firm to get it across - having her try herself at that time as well. We also agreed that DS temperment is stubborn, and we need to be firm with him to play nicely - intervien when we feel things are starting to get out of hand. But we also need to remember to be compassionate and instead of yelling at him to leave be, we need to use it as a teaching experience to show him how he SHOULD play with others. As for the meals.... DS does not know how to eat so he is not a problem when it comes time to cook, but we did compromise on if SD asks for a snack an hour after meals she can have fruits or veggies, if it is two hours or more, then she can have junk food. sylviatexas... I do feel she instigates and I have seen it first hand, but that is a whole new post. When I bring it up to SO he get upset like I am making it up or something. I feel in his eyes SD is an Angel and DS is the Devil - she never does anything wrong and he is always in the wrong. He difinately has his blinders on. It is something that we talked about last night and needs to be worked on to provide a fair enviroment for all the children. I am not too sure that he actually heard me though.... What I did get out of the discussion was that he feels DS thinks SD is there for him and he has a bit of resentment that he doesn't get to spend time with her. He himself offered that maybe he needs to get down on the floor with her and play more. I agreed and told him I could do something DS to keep him busy - and that maybe once in a while we could switch it up - SD with me, DS with him. There is a sense of urgentcy here and the issue needs to be addressed immediately. Every third weekend we have the children, DS will go to my mom's which will provide me with a bit of a break and give SO one on one time with SD -not to mention how much DS would love to see his Papa for the weekend. It's a compromise that we both are happy with. Once things have improved we can then reassess and decide if it is something we want to continue with.

I kind of agree with weed - that guy sounds like an abuser. It is too common for the step parent to take out anger for the ex on the step-child. Keep a VERY close eye on it! Make sure you and your husband are open with your SD so that she feels comfortable enough to talk to you. Call her nightly, make sure she can call you at any time. Don't trust that jerk!!! I think getting a counselor and/or attorney involved is a good idea, if only on a preliminary basis. Also, keep a diary of the events as they happen. Judges love that!! :-) On the "what do you call the step parent front" I have two points of view... My daughter was 23 months old when I met my husband. The natural father was very abusive to me and was completely out of the picture and out of our lives. My daughter called my boyfriend (now my DH) "John". When my daughter was 4 we got married. My daughter kept saying "we're" getting married. It was so sweet. The morning of the wedding she was still calling him "John", the minute we walked out of the church she was calling him "Dad" and she hasn't stopped! (He has adopted her, by the way) I don't know why she chose to call him "Dad", she never mentioned it to us, she just did it! Now, my other point of view is this... my step-daughter was 11 when we got married. She lives with her mother (and now her step father). She called me "mom" a couple of times and I sat her down and we talked. (She has Down's Syndrome) I explained that she has a "Mom" and that she should only call her mommy by that name. We could come up with a special name for her to use for me. Since my first name is awfully impersonal, I thought something special would be nice. She calls me "Mippee" and it works out great. I didn't want to impose on her mother. I know how I would feel if my daughter called her step mother "mom". I believe that if the natural parent is involved and the child is young, he/she shouldn't call the step-parent "mom" or "dad". Likewise, if the child is old enough to make that decision him/herself or if the natural parent isn't involved in his/her life then it's acceptable.

I truly believe there is justice in the world, but it just seems very slow in coming to some people, including my case. My husband picked up SD's on Sunday evening for our 2 week uninterrupted visit. Yesterday, we took the kids to a local theme park for the day. This was one of the only days all of us were going to be together because DH has to work some of the time, and my SD17 works now so she has to work some of the time also. So, I was really looking forward to a fun day with the whole family. Well, BM felt the need to call the girls 4 times (in a 5 hour period) to "check on them" and tell them "she missed them and loved them". PLEASE! This is the same woman who left a child running a 102 temperature with me before my DH and I were even married and she had never met me so she could go gambling with her DH and parents for a week in Biloxi. She called 1 time in the 1 week period to check on her child. Now, she feels the need to call 4 times in 5 hours? Give me a break. I told my DH she is doing it because she is still mad about a recent court issue, and she wants to make sure the kids aren't bonding with him. Before anyone jumps in saying "She has the right to talk with her children", etc., I completely agree. I have no problem with her calling the kids in the morning or at night and saying good night and asking about their day. But, I think calling 4 times in a 5 hour period while she knows we are out with the kids is intrusive and not allowing her kids to bond with their dad. I talked to DH about it and he just takes up for her. She's just worried, don't let her actions control you, blah..blah..blah, IT MAKES ME CRAZY! So, I know how you all feel. We do all the work, and then become the emotional punching bags.

Just to answer some of the questions in previous posts; SD unfortunately did not do well in school in the second half of her Junior year in the new FL HS, mainly C's and D's. When the girlfriend did come down to visit during the VA schools spring break (not the break period for FL schools) SD skipped school for 3 days to hang with her girlfriend. Biofather was not happy and told my mother-in-law during a phone call that the girlfriend was a bad influence and was no longer allowed to visit. This was the same girlfrined that was planned to live in the home in FL. SD was allowed to lay around all summer, no job, no vacation, no activites. SD has not been "allowed" to get her learners permit or drivers license, thus no BMW car and no driving (as of 10/1). In the fall (senior year) SD has enrolled in just a few classes for 1/2 day opting for a work-study program where she is to work 1/2 day for real world work experience. Her job is working directly for her biofather as his personal secretary at the pizza shop he manages. Biofather is not a college graduate and he does not "see the need for his daughter to go to college." From phone call with mother-in-law. To clarify the SD room issue, when I returned from a 2 week business trip I found that my wife had cleaned up SD's room and taken apart the bed to thoroughly clean the room (room was a mess,smelled, and SD had responsibility and freedom with her room). Next day SD shows up completely unexpected for a 3 day visit with instructions to "pack" from biofather. Boyfriend picked her up at the airport and we had no idea she was coming. I immediately told my wife that the room was a negative signal and she did not agree with me at the time. Nothing premeditated or planned/intended here, just very unfortunate timing and my wife did intend to keep this as SD's room. I could see that SD was unhappy even though she was rarely home those days, opting to spend all 3 days of her visit time with her boyfriend. SD did no packing at all during her visit. After my post on this forumn and discussions with my wife, she realized the possible negative signal inadvertently sent and SD's room was certainly re-assembled with an apology message sent. SD's room is complete and is there for her. Wish my wife (and I) were perfect people! Bad luck on this one. My wife and I have decided to return to our original plan from some time ago; to select a very special Tiffany's gift and either give it to my SD at our celebration dinner in FL, or mail it to her promptly if necessary. SD is in BD's care and we are moving on. Thank you all for your best wishes and the sincere advice. I really appreciate it.