"Because of the cost my husband cannot afford to send my daughters without a considerable financial contribution from their father, which will never happen."

Honey, I think that pretty much says it all. If you can't afford to send all 4 children, you can't afford it. And if the girls' BioDad won't contribute, then you still can't afford it.

Is it fair to send one child, and not the rest, to private school? Depends on the children, I think. DH and I will be sending our 5 yo to a private kindergarten because that is what happens to be best for him. His older sibs are all in the public school. Whether he continues in the private school will be determined by what is best for him.

Unless your DDs are having academic problems in the public school, or the school is just terrible, I'm not sure how it would be detrimental to them. Are you thinking it would be unfair because their younger brother would somehow get preferential treatment?

Fair doesn't necessarily mean equal treatment for children. Being fair with children means doing what is in their individual best interests.

Here's something to think about: *What if* (and you can what if this situation to death) your son doesn't do well in the preschool and he's asked to leave? Would you feel compelled to take your daughters out of the school to make your son feel better just because that would be fair to him although unfair to your daughters?

If your girls are thriving in the school that they're in, then send your son to the school. However, if their school is failing them, then contact their bio dad and lay it out on the line that they need a better education.

Have you researched financial aid for the private school? I work in a parochial school and we have many options available for parents to supplement the tuition from scholarships, private donors, and grants. It wouldn't hurt to call the school to find out.

Hi, there

What's so great about private school?

I am a doctor, and I went to public school. My kids are in public school.

Why not put all of them in public school, and save the money for college? I think that private school is WAY over-rated.

One of the things that TOS has pointed out is the SD or SM's income or wealth can eliminate financial aid. To me this is not fair, but I can see the problem.

First, how are the girls doing?

Second, many families have some children in private and not others. The most important thing is are you happy with the education the girls are getting, and do you communicate that to them. Dont be down just becuase the girls are not in private school.

Third, other than the school issue, how supportive is your DH to the girls. My next door neighbor was a godsend to his wifes child. This girl never would have made it through college without him. He did spend more for his sons (sons of both the next door neighbors) , who were younger, to go to private schools. Part may have been they became more disenchanged with public schools as the kids got older. But at the end of the day, the girl's father was absent, and the girl was far better off with the help she got from her stepdad than if mom had been on her own.

Thank you all for your responses. It's important that I can see opinions from different sides.

I don't know. My neighbors have five kids and no money worries. Their oldest DS, second oldest overall, was not promoted at our very small but very costly private school. The psychologist they spoke to said not to hold him back, as he has learning disabilities, so while repeating first grade for him will be fine, he'll run into the same problem when he makes his next advance. Here, the pricey private schools don't have any help for anyone other than the normal kid. Our public schools do have ESE classes, etc. So, they're moving him to public. The wife wants to move all of the kids there which I think is unfair, solely because she doesn't want to have to drive to two different schools. His older sister is in the third grade and has friends from PK there. The father does not want to move the other kids and I still don't know the verdict.

Here, the public schools are not good, sadly. We have the most expensive property taxes, but the schools are not good. I did attend public school other than my sr. year of H.S. when I attended a Catholic H.S. that is excellent. I was a good student and would have done well anywhere.

I'm more apt to leave the girls where they are - they have friends and are comfortable there unless that isn't the case. We're in FL (second to last in schools), so unless you're in Mississippi, your public schools are better.

Do you find your DH favors the boy over the girls? Is it a prestigious thing for him to have DS attend this school? If so, I think I'd pass on the whole deal. If it really is the best place for him, I'd make the girls well aware of the circumstances - that his age determined his course, etc.

Good luck,
Dana

Another thing to consider: It's not a $30,000 decision. It's a $30,000 per year decision -- so perhaps $420,000 from age three to HS graduation. That's two private college educations. And it's graduating from Elite Prep that helps you into college, not attending as a pre-K student. So in a sense, the first $300,000 is a questionable investment.

The son of a good friend of ours was accepted into one of the region's most elite prep schools. The family could afford it -- but not without limiting their expenditures in other areas. So Dad didn't join the elite country club, Mom shopped at Foley's instead of Neimann's, and they kept the 5 year old Suburban instead of opting for a new Lexus. Which made them social outcasts at Elite Prep. Sonny wasn't as rich as the rich kids or as smart as the scholarship kids -- and despite his outstanding social skills (truly, one of the nicest, most fun-loving boys you'd ever meet), he really didn't fit in. They ended up pulling him out after 8th grade and enrolling him in a MUCH less prestigious (but local) school.

Anyway -- Just more to consider.

My siblings and I went to public elementary & high schools.
Our parents banked the money they would have spent and put it in a college fund.

I went to a prestigious private college and medical school.

Also, if you want your child to get into a great college,
you would do better to put some of that private school fund into a one time large donation to the college, or to pledge part of your estate to the college on your death. Colleges consider that an act of good faith. It also gives you access to the dean or president of the college. It gives you access to great sports tickets, too, and you don't have to give up any money until you're dead. Your kids benefit, too, because it helps them to get into a good college.

I know couples who pledged as little as 5%.
My medical alma mater is going to inherit 25% of our estate.
My college alma mater is going to inherit 5% of our estate, and my husband's alma mater is going to inherit 30%.
That leaves 10% for each of our kids.

NOW, one other point is that there was a very clear boundary
during college of NEW MONEY vs. OLD MONEY.

NEW MONEY attended private school for the prestige, and
spent money trying to look the part. They tried hard to be noticed.

OLD MONEY attended private school because they felt comfortable around other successful people, and to network for the future. They tried hard not to be noticed.

When someone rubs their status symbols in your face, even if it's in a high school, don't necessarily take it seriously. They might be in hock up to their armpits.

I wanted my children to be able to attend private school so they could receive a better education than the one they were receiving in public school, so they could have teachers who actually cared about their opinions and encouraged discussion, not who wanted them merely to parrot back the teacher's views, so they could be around other students who actually cared about learning, so they could have the option to learn Russian or Japanese etc., so they could have teachers who had the option to teach what they are enthusiastic about, rather than teaching to the all-consuming statewide test. Two of my kids went to college in their mid-teens and found this kind of education; I wanted my other children to be able to benefit from this as well, rather than merely having to endure their "education." Not everyone, or even most, wants to put their children in a private school because it is prestigious.

I have a solution..... home school them all and go on fabulous field trips with the money you save on tuition.

:-)

My daughter will be attending a private Pre-k... the other three children go to public school and my other daughter went to head start for pre-k.... However, my decision to put my daughter in private pre k is based upon the fact that that is the best option available... I would have put our other daughter in the same thing when she was is pre k but her mother decided to ship her out to bumpkin fl to a dirty school that was connected to the police station (just a wonderful place for a 4 year old) To be perfectly honest if we could afford it all four of our children would be in private school because as a previous poster stated FL public schools are terrible and more importantly Duval county public schools are worse... but I use the system to advantage... magnet schools pretty much give you free range to attend any school you want as long as you know how to work the system ... which is why my kids all go to a school almost thirty minutes from where we live.

Next year, unless some magial windfall occurs my daughter will be in public school with the other three. If I cant afford to put them all in private school then I cant afford to put any of them in private school. I will not raise my kids giving one preferential treatment over the others and I will not give one child a huge advantage over the others... its just not right... unless something is significantly different that warrants them being seperated into private and public. ie I move all of them into private school but one of them turns out to be so unhappy there it hurts their grades or something like that... then I would move him back to public... and only then.

If the only reason why the others cant go is because of money than I think no one should go... maybe just let pre-k ride and then move him to a public school.

I think this is a very difficult issue. I think schools are the most important issue, and no one but you knows the quality of your local public schools. But what it also brings up is a tension between you and DH as to does he have obligation to your children, and to what extent, and should that limit his child. Obviously you treat all the children equally. Does he feel an obligation to do so? That has to be answered in addition to are the public schools good for the girls. What is going to happen at college time? Either all go to private school or none?

It seems that there are rights and responsibilities that rest with the biological parent. Most people on this site think that discipline should be done primarily by the bio parent.

Similarly, the burden of providing creature comforts for children also rests primarily with the bio parents.

Step parents can be supportive of the stepchildren, and be generous, out of love for their spouse. But I don't think it is an obligation.

So, I guess expecting your husband to pay for private schools for your daughters is unreasonable.

But I can also see how you wouldnt want to make them feel like second class citizens. They might resent their brother.

This is a tough one.

cawfecup,

I used to do just that, and I would give my right arm to be able to homeschool them now. Unfortunately, when the family take-home income dropped by $1000 a week after my H left, I had to go to work full-time in order to feed the kids.

I wouldn't take it personally. My Sis and her husband sent their oldest son to a Jesuit College, not sure of the spelling there. It is a very expensive Caltholic College. They could not afford to send the other son and he couldn't have passed the entrance exam anyway. The older son took care of the problem and got his brother on at IBM and they probably both make a 6 figure income. Talk about brotherly love, they had it.

"I wanted my children to be able to attend private school so they could receive a better education than the one they were receiving in public school, so they could have teachers who actually cared about their opinions and encouraged discussion, not who wanted them merely to parrot back the teacher's views, so they could be around other students who actually cared about learning, so they could have the option to learn Russian or Japanese etc., so they could have teachers who had the option to teach what they are enthusiastic about, rather than teaching to the all-consuming statewide test. Two of my kids went to college in their mid-teens and found this kind of education; I wanted my other children to be able to benefit from this as well, rather than merely having to endure their "education." Not everyone, or even most, wants to put their children in a private school because it is prestigious"

I know. I went to private school to be in the company of other successful people, such as myself. Please re-read my post.

Also, I'm sorry that your public schools are so deplorable.
Maybe you should support your county school board and county commission to improve them.

The public schools in my county are excellent--TCAP scores are in the 80% percentile.

The schools in our town (counties are not important in my state) were far better before the statewide standardized tests were implemented. Same thing is true of most towns in my state. The scores have little to do with the quality of the education, and a lot to do with the wealth and education level of the parents of the kids.

Maybe you should move to a different neighborhood.
Many people whose where they live based on the quality of the schools.

I think to tell someone to move to a neighborohood with better schools is a little like "let them eat cake". Almost everywhere, the neighborhoods with better schools are more expensive.

I currently live in one of the least expensive houses in town. My mortgage payment is only $362 a month less than my entire take-home salary. My neighborhood is safe, and I have several wonderful neighbors. Moving to a community with better schools is not an option financially. And I did choose where I live based in part on the schools - the town where we used to live had almost no services for kids with special needs, whereas this town at least has some. Not everyone has the money to move anywhere they like.

I have to agree with KKNY. Saying move to where there are better schools is exactly like saying let them eat cake... it completely illustrates the lack of awareness of how impossible that suggestion is in the lives of most.

That is why I bend and use (and I mean use in every sense of the word) the system to my best advantage in ways that most people dont even realize the system can be managed. And, my kids go to a school that most people wouldnt think of sending there kids to (in the middle of very low class downtown where god knows what goes on all of the time) ... but the fact is... this school has more funding than most schools in the county bc of where it is and excellent teachers.

This discussion was about PAYING to send children
to private school, because the public schools weren't
good.

It's just not true that you have to spend a fortune to
live in an area that has good public schools.

If your area doesn't support public schools, then you either need to fork out the bucks for private school, home school, work to change your public schools, settle for substandard public schools, or you need to move.

My public schools are excellent, mostly because parents care about their kids' education. It is not because the parents are rich. There are scores of families in our school district who work in the local car factory, the local hospital, local small businesses, or in other local factories. If you really think that only private schools provide a good education, then you are living in the wrong school district.

These people are not wealthy, they were just smart enough to consider their children when they chose a place to live.

Oh please, get real and stop picking on anyone who is a mom (Oh I forget, you call us BMs). Anywhere I know, it is more expensive to live in an area where schools are good.

Does anyone not agree with that???

But the SMs (who are all apparentaly perfect) -- just cant wait to lord it over the moms.

I am not wealthy, but many moms (who typically have less money than dads, per federal income statitistics) are struggling.

All you SMs, who are happy to lord your status as having money, over the moms, just remember the divorce rate for second marriages.

I don't think the issue is public versus private school.

The issues are:

1. What financial contributions are reasonable to expect from a step parent for the benefit of a step child, and

2. Is it fair for one child to have more advantages than a step sibling because of a discrepancy in the incomes of their parents.

There are no easy answers, I am afraid.

I have to kind of agree with kkny. First of all if step parents are so concerned about spending on their step children, I wonder if they had to wait until step children are grown before marrying their father or mother. And frankly as much as it is mom's responsibility to provide for the children they often are struggling financially.

I for example although have a professional job and graduate degree am way less off than my ex and his second wife. I simply cannot afford number of things including paying for expensive school or college. These expensive things are paid by my ex simply because he and his wife together make much more than me.

Well, if the second wife or husband were not in the picture, all expenses for the children would be borne exclusively by the parents. The kids would have a lower standard of living.

Who would benefit from that?

If my exH were not married to his wealthy wife, my children would qualify for a lot of financial aid - the EFC would be only a few thousand dollars.

Of course the quality of schools is related to the wealth of the community. About 70% of a town's budget goes to its schools in my state.

This is not the same as a private school, but I home school my BS because of his diabetes(type 1) and trying to keep him as healthy as we can while he is going through puberty. His doctors suggested the home schooling for these reasons. My SS understands the reason I home school my BS and is a little jealous, and he knows that he will not be home schooled as long as his BM does not agree to it.