I can really relate to what you've said. Step-parenting is HARD, and what I've learned on this forum is that you need A LOT of support from your husband.

It sounds like he is not sure how to deal with or doesn't want to deal with his son's issues. The child is obviously acting out and you are right, he needs to be in counseling.

Have you mentioned that to your DH?

Where is the mom? You said you have custody for the summer--what is the schedule during the school year? If you don't see the boy much during the school year, that could explain why he's acting out this summer--if he doesn't spend much time at your house or with his father, then this summer's schedule has probably thrown him for a loop.

I can't really offer any other suggestions until I know more about how much involvement you and your DH have in his son's life.

His biomom lives about 10 miles away but she exists in la la land. She has an "image" to protect white picket fence, church every sunday kind of perfect life so anytime things are brought up her answer is "he doesn't do that here" He wets the bed EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, I can't believe that doesn't happen at her house, whatever, she's in denial. So, through the school year he is here eow. We are going into our 5th year blending this family. My kids think my husband walks on water and I'm so jelous that being a step parent is so easy for him.

What are the step mom boundries? I think I know, but maybe I'm just refusing to participate? Is there atually a code smewhere? LOL

Please don't associate wetting the bed with bad behavior. It often can't be helped. My DS is 10 years old and is a very sound sleeper. We tried everything before finally consulting a physician who prescribed Desmopressin which decreases the production of urine at night. He has not had an accident (remember that is what they are, no child wants to wet the bed)since. It helped his confidence and his attitude because he didn't have to wake up feeling yucky and embarrassed each morning.

Sidetrack--has his pediatrician been consulted about the bedwetting? Kcmom is correct, a lot of the time it is a physical issue that really can't be helped. My DD is only 6, but she wets the bed every single night. Her issue is related to constipation. She suffers from something called encopresis--basically, she get constipated, holds it and holds it, and then explodes. Lovely, I know. It's something she has ALWAYS struggled with. It's managed okay with Miralax and Benefiber, but she STILL gets constipated more than is considered "normal" and the constipation puts pressure on her bladder.

I don't know what we'll do. Her ped. wants to give it another year and then re-evaluate when she is 7.

It is really frustrating and I know she doesn't like waking up wet. She can't wear pullups anymore, either, because they give her the WORST rash. So we have a plastic sheet on her bed and I just wash her regular sheets/bedding every day.

Only 10% of kids in her age group still wet the bed. :(

I would strongly urge you to have your husband talk to the ped. about different options for your SS. There may be some medication that could help--I know there is a bedwetting alarm that has worked really well for lots of older children--google it.

I don't really have any advice other than I think your DH needs to be more on board with parenting his son. I know a lot of guys--my own fiance included, but he is working on this--just want to keep things on an even keel and avoid confrontations, etc. But it sounds like your DH needs to confront the issues his son is struggling with--if that means counseling, perhaps family counseling, etc. Maybe even counseling for the two of you to learn how to deal with things.

Hang in there...there are no hard and fast rules about step-mom boundaries, I think you just kind of have to find what works for your situation.

Yes, I was going to say if a 9 year old is habitually wetting the bed, it is time to take him to a doctor. You may not even be able to get a definitive answer as to whether it is happening at moms, but before summer is over, he should see doctor. Then Dad has to step up to the plate. I would say to dad, your son seems very unhappy. Dad, you need to ask son what is bothering you. And if son cant answer, dad needs to quietly say, then we have to take you to counselor to help you work out why you are so angry and how you can deal with it. I think you have to emphasize to DAd that he is not doing his son any favors in the long run.

I didn't mean to associate bed wetting with bad behavior. I meant it as an example of a situation his biomom refuses to acknowledge. I have many times suggested to my husband perhaps there is a medical reason this happens. I don't feel it's within step mom boundries to seek medical treatment when there are two perfectly capable bio parents.
Bed wetting is approached (by me) as simply matter of fact. There is no shame bestowed, simply a need to get the sheets washed just as a cup of spilled milk would need to be wiped up.

My SS is also a very sound sleeper and I figure that plays a contributing factor. I know when I sent my 6th grader to camp the teachers prepped us about packing pull ups. So, I gathered other kids have this issue too and is fairly common. I don't know if other kids like to sit around, eat breakfast and watch cartoons in wet pull ups two to three hours after waking is that normal? any suggestion?

Love - Didn't you say you and FDH went to a place to get counseling that really helped you?

Mom2.5 - My suggestion is that you do something similar to what Lovehadley did with her fiance. See the "New Schedule and Feeling Much Better" thread. Find a group in your area that specializes in divorced families or step families or something of that nature. Your DH needs to know that HE is part of the problem instead of ignoring it and making you handle it. And he needs to hear it from someone other than you. I'm going to suggest the same thing to my FDH whenever I find such a group in our area. He seems to be resistant to ANYTHING I say about his daughter (even good things), but open to other people's viewpoints. As a SM, there is only so much you can do. You can handle things that deal with general respect for people/adults and such. You can deal with basic and superficial things such as picking clothes up off the floor. But anything that is a habitual problem or needs consequences needs to be handled by DH. It makes your life harder because it forces you to cross the line that you and SS know is there. SS will tempt you to cross it and then you will be the bad guy. Believe me, I was close to that line this weekend. I took myself completely out of the situation before I did. But you can't do that if you are supposed to be his caregiver because you are the only one there to deal with the situation.

My son was somewhere around that age before he stopped wetting the bed, and so was my exH. He might have been even older. We never worried about it because we knew it was inherited and would be outgrown.

Thank goodness for pull-ups. The only trouble with pull-ups and similar brands is that they work so well they don't feel wet, so they don't bother them (assuming they don't get a rash, like lovehadley's daughter does).

I have a student who used to wet his bed every time he slept at home but never ever when he visited grandma, older siblings, sleepovers, camp etc. After extensive counseling (child has emotional impairment and other issue-adopted from horrible situation) he said he wets his bed on purpose to upset his mother (excellent parents btw). As soon as he admitted it, mom stopped paying much attention to it, just cleaned it up. He stopped wetting the bed right away and never did again. he also did some other things to piss off his mom, but i won't mention it here. Too gross.

anyways, not to say SS wets his bed on purpose to get negative attenmtion especially if everyone is clearly upset, but who knows? He might not be doing it at moms, maybe mom would not react the same way. Also...I wonder if he might have some emotional issue that needs to be addressed. As others said he is clearly unhappy little child...

My FDH's son is 9 and he has had some pretty major behavioral issues. He has ADHD, so a lot of his problems relate to that, but a lot of them were also just that he was being bad because he felt like it. "He manages to make a disaster of any "family outing" his behavior is similar to a 3 or 4 year old. He is intentionally mean to other children, he is disrespectful, he lies, steals, he's angry at the world" sounds VERY familiar!! He is MUCH better now (night and day from last year) so I'll share some of the things we did. I call him A__ on this board.

First, I was the one who thought "If this kid is going to behave like this, it's going to destroy our relationship. I'm really nuts about this guy, so something has to change" so I told FDH (BF at that time) that I didn't think A__'s ADHD was under control and that a lot of his behaviors weren't in line with his age. FDH (thank goodness) agreed.
So, the KEY is that your DH gets on track with you about this. You two HAVE to be in agreement and be a team, which may be a rather awkward conversation with some fighting. I'd try something like "Having SS with us this summer has made me realize that we're not connecting with him somehow. I'm worried about that he is so angry and defiant and I think you and I need to come up with a plan to help with his behavior."

Once FDH and I were on the same page, I set about doing ADHD research to find out how to get things under control.
You didn't mention any diagnosed disorders in your SS, but the same sorts of things often work with non-ADHD kids. So maybe researching some behavioral and learning disorder coping techniques would help you guys out.

We brought in little things like a timer to help A__ stay on task. (He's quite competitive, so beating the timer is a big deal to him)

We stopped yelling back. If A__ screamed "You're the worst dad in the world and I hate you!" FDH started quietly replying "That's too bad because I love you. You can go to the other room until you're ready to be nice." At first, this happened at least once a day. A__ once went to his room for that sort of thing five times in one day, and once was in there for an hour and a half!! But now, he hasn't been sent to his room for something like that in MONTHS. He stopped getting a reaction, so he stopped doing it.

For awhile, we stopped taking him places entirely. If we took him to the grocery store, he would run away and hide, or DEMAND junk food and treats and pitch a fit if he didn't get it. He did this same stuff on fun outings too, so it wasn't just that he was bored. Then it was very gradual: We'd take him to the grocery store for five minutes, and "If you're good there, you get ___insert reward here___" and we laid out CLEARLY what "being good" meant. Fun outings had to be earned with good behavior at home, "We can go swimming tonight if you help me with these chores without a single complaint"

We wrote household rules that we all have to follow. They are things like "Be good to things like furniture and electronics so that you don't break them" "Ask before you borrow something, and be sure to give it back" "Accept it if you have to share or don't get your way"
They seem a little abstract, but we went carefully through examples of following and not following with A__ when we made these rules. At first, he was very resistant to the idea of rules, but I think he eventually realized that these are just standards of good behavior, not boot camp.
For months, we would point out when A__ was or wasn't following a rule, and HOW. It was dreadful for us, but we could see tiny glimmers of progress, so we kept doing it. Now, if A__ is not following a rule, we can just say "Are you following the rule about using good languange?" and he smartens right up! (It's great!!)

We made a big deal of when he was being good. Every time he said "please" we complimented his manners. If he listened to an instruction the first time, it was high-fives all around. When it was bedtime, we'd list off many of the good things he had done that day, and talk about how great those were. That kind of thing.

We made him accountable for his actions. When I picked him up from school, we called my FDH and A__'s mom to tell them the comment in his homework book that day. If it was good, it was a big party of hugs and high-fives and rewards like staying up an extra 15 minutes and his parents saying "I'm so proud of you!!!" over the phone. If it was bad, he had to explain what happened and why to Me and Mom and Dad and he would probably have some sort of punishment, like writing an apology to his teacher, or doing an extra chore that night.

It has been a LOT of work, and it's taken about a year from when I thought "Something has to change" but it has really been night and day. A__ is a MUCH happier kid now, he is pleasant to have around, he has nice manners, we can take him places, he is really wonderful. He still has slip-ups, regressions and bad days, but every 9 year old does.

Keep posting and let us know how things are going. I urge you to talk to DH about this and make it as non-confrontational as possible. Lots of "we are" and "I feel" words, so that DH feels that he and his son are supported and loved, and not under attack.

Thank you so much for the wonderful advice and support. I believe in this child. I believe he has the potential to be pleasant, fun, and very easy to be around--once we get this angry thing worked out. Being at the end of my rope, and recognizing that my marriage is in jeopordy forced me to really analize where I am at in this situation. I have been extremely frustrated with my husband for refusing to see his son's behavior and refusing to do anything about it. I have felt any approach I made with him on the subject was met with "well your kid this" or "what if it was your kid" so I really tippie toed around the subject with him. I realize it has to be hard for him. I think reading alot of messages all over this site made me realize I was not really crazy or over reacting if I asked my husband for help with this. I explained to him if he was my biological child I would have him in counseling, that his emotional state needs just as much attention as my daughters allergies.
Okay, at first I didn't approach it oh so well. I actually told my husband I can't do this anymore, take him back to his moms on your way to work and pick him up on your way home. He of course got very angry with me, but it opened up to a conversation we've needed to have for a VERY long time. We basically agreed that we'll get him in counseling (I'll find the doctors, ins coverage, make the appt's he has to take him) And that a local blended family group, or counselor will benefit our whole family and finally that it wouldn't be a bad thing for us to take a parenting class together. I came to him with two of my own, he came to me with one we already had our ideas on parenting and they are not the same so hopefully a class on the topic will help us to compromise some.

Ceph, I really appreciate you sharing your experiences. I wonder are there other children involved? I am trying to make an effort to praise SS for every little thing, am not yet sure how this affects the other kids. They seem a little confused why I thank SS for turning out a light or using good manners when they know it is just expected of them. I gues the obvious answer is to praise them for everything too :)

2 days ago I was so done, angry myself, and just at the end of my rope. I now am very hopeful for our future as a family and eager to get everyone involved in the changes.
Thanks again.

Hey again,
No, neither of us have other kids, so it's not a problem for us to balance out trying to encourage good behavior from one kid, while the others are just "naturally" good.
But yes, I think the obvious answer is to praise them for everything too. It may even help your SS if you praise your BKs for everything as well - if he sees them getting hugs and high-fives and rewards like sticker sheets and extra time on the computer for being good, it may help motivate him.
Is your 13yo mature enough to talk to a little about this? Maybe something like "We're trying to help SS get along better with people, so we're doing lots of extra encouragement. I know it's a little weird for me to high-five you for clearing your plate without being asked, but it's important for SS, so can you go along with it and try to set an extra good example?" If your 13yo is a blabbermouth, I wouldn't say anything though.
The 8yo is probably too young to explain why things are different now, but will probably like the extra praise and rewards :)

I'm so glad you were able to talk to your DH and made some progress. Counseling is wonderful, and can help make a lot of changes, but you have to follow through at home too.

Oh, and another thing with my FDH's son - he finds it easier to talk to us about things if he can hide his face. So, if he has a meltdown and is crying his eyes out for (what appears to be) no reason, we quietly ask him to calm down enough to tell us what's wrong, and then we wait. Once he can talk through the tears, he usually keeps a pillow or a sweater or something over his face while he talks, with just enough room that we can hear him.
If he doesn't have something to hide behind, he can't talk about why he's upset. I don't know exactly why this is, but if your SS has trouble talking about why he's having a meltdown, or behaving badly, maybe give him a pillow to hide behind.