Several phrases in your post jumped out at me right away:

"her son"
"I convinced him to go live with his Dad"
"when he visits"

While I can understand why you're frustrated, it sounds like you're approaching the problem from a perspective of "What's annoying for me" rather than "How can we help our child?" -- I don't mean to jump all over you, but this could be part of the problem...

Yes sweeby you're right...I am frustrated. We have been married 11 years and this has really increased in the last 4 years. We have tried several times to help the child to no avail. What is becoming more frustrating is my wifes attitude that "just don't do anything that would make him not like us". We have two younger sons that do not deserve to be exposed to this.

Has anyone on here been thru a similar situation and if so what was the solution...if any?

Unless your wife his mom ... Steps up and admit the child has an issue or problem and deals with her on her own with your support of course. You are out of luck. You will look like the bad guy no matter what you say or do. When he is pulling his out of control behaviors ... point it out to your wife ... say something like ... Do you really want the youngers one to do that? Do you think he should be doing that around the younger ones? ... Call her on his behavior don't point it out to him.

ADHD and ADD are not excuses for bad behavior. He needs to learn to control his impulses medicated or not.

Do not "confront" him about what he is doing call her on it. If she doesn't want to correct it not much you can do about it. It sucks but its reality... you will be the bad guy if you say anything good or bad doesn't matter. Stay out of it with him. I don't know how to get her to see its her problem not yours... other than if she "complains" to you about his behavior tell her well do something about it or don't talk to me about it.

I wish I had all the answers for you but I sure don't. Maybe it will help to know that you are not alone. I also have a 15 yo SS who is doing much the same. He has been with his mother all summer and what a relief, however he is returning to our home for the school year and after viewing his my space page I am apprehensive to say the least. He has posted pictures of himself intoxicated and high and freely talks about in in his blogs. My husband and I have a 5 yo together and I sure don't want the SS rubbing off. I can tell you one mistake not to make (because I made it) and that is all the discipline must come from biological parent. And if none comes, than leave it at that, unless it directly affects yourself or your other children. I have been a closet reader of this forum for about 2 years now and one thing that has been extremely helpful for me are the posts on disengaging. You may want to go back and read some of them, they may help you as well. Good luck

Have to say that I agree w/ Cawfe, though all gave you good advice. As a mom, I can tell you that regardless of how horrible one's kids are, to hear anyone else complain makes the protective feathers come out - so don't confront her about this. However, you can protect the little ones and take them by the hand and say, "I don't think I want them to see this..." repeatedly - as often as needed. You don't want them witnessing his poor behavior or mom's failure to impose consequences.

Sorry, but most of us stepparents here deal w/ spouses who either fail to acknowledge their child's faults or reward the child for poor choices...

All the best,
Dana

Thank you all for the replies. I knew I wasn't the only one dealing with this type of situation. Ya'll hit it on the head, I am the bad guy no matter what action I take with this child. lol I've never heard of "disengagement" but have been practicing it a lot these last few months. My wife and I have a wonderful relationship until this rears its ugly head. I just found this forum and will continue to read the topics on this...thanks again everyone!

Funny, I just posted my own story asking for advice. I was a LOT wordier, but the essence is the same. My stepson is now 17, but it all really began at 15. Also have two small kids involved in the home.

As others have suggested, unless the biological steps up to the plate your efforts are pretty much doomed. The problem I found was that as much as I presented my case to my wife, nothing stuck. She was very defensive and thought I was presenting from a standpoint of anger or just generally being unfair.

I have to believe that a 3rd party opinion would carry more weight - and hence counseling together might be able to provide that. I'm hoping it works in my case, too.

Tough one!
My son (34) had bi-polar disorder and ADD, he can be very abusive, loud, and disruptive when not on medications. When on his meds, he's the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet.

Being on the "Mom" side of the issue, I can say that Mom's have to set boundries, absolutely No gray areas.

No visits unless he is on his medications, any abusive behavior towards spouse will not be tolerated! No name calling, etc.

Mom needs to wise up. If she continually allows SS to cause chaos when he comes, the behavior will only escalate, and SS will continue to control the hosuehold and your marriage.

The worst thing Mom's can do for their mentally ill kids, is accept bad or destructive behavior. They will never learn to interact with society if this continues.

My son learned the hard way, destructive behavior in my home, got him arrested. Yes, I did have him arrested. A number of times, he needed to suffer the consequences of his behavior in order to grow, become more responsible, and to function in society.

These kids can take control of their illnesses, but why should they if Mommy is always going to protect them, and clean up after them. Bad move, it does nothing to help them become adults.

My son has spent time in jail, paid large fines, and had been on probation. Best thing that could have happened to him.

He's doing so much better now, acting normally, appropriate, much more responsible, and most importantly not blaming everyone else for his unacceptable behavior.

My H is very cruel to him at times, name calling, (when he's symptomatic) this rips your heart out. H is an walking rectum. Horrible names, yet I insist that my son treat him with respect, or get out. No punches pulled. It's for his own good.

Mom needs to demonstrate a united front with you. Or SS will continue to reek havoc in the home. Eventually her son will end up in trouble as he gets older bad behavior is not tolerated by law enforcement or society.

Mom needs to know that you care about her son, (that is so very important) that you want her son to live a happy and well adjusted life, and her inability to recognize she is not helping him in the least by denying the behavior is going to result in much more pain and suffering for her son.

Tell her she needs to look at it from a different perspective, be honest and ask herself, what would she tell a friend to do if they had these circumstances. She needs to work with a therapist, I did for 7 years.

Mom's notoriously feel responsible for disturbed kids, I always wondered what did I do wrong? It isn't my fault that my son is ill, it's genetic, there are three bi-polar kids in the family, two have done jail time. My son is the sickest. Yet, he's managed to get his act together and is living a much more productive life.

Only because I will not go along with the behavior. I use to, and it was a nightmare, what a horrible existence that was. My son was a cruel, abusive, irresponsible jerk. When I changed MY BEHAVIOR, it was like night and day.

H doesn't interact with him too often, but my son treats him with respect, kindness and thoughtfulness. He is no longer threatened that my H is going to "take me away from him." Which can be the reason he is acting out in your home. Fear of abandonment.

Let your wife know that you want to see her son happy and well-adjusted, and that you want to support him in any way you can, but you are helpless to do anything if one or both of you remain in denial.

Also, tell her how denial can hurt him in the long run. Suggest attending therapy together, and by all means, do not attack her son, Mom's tend to be very protective of their ill children. They (mom) needs support and understanding, even when they are doing it wrong.

My H threatened to shoot my son! My son would never hurt anyone, but that's what I had to fear, he even asked a deputy sheriff, if he had the "right to defend himself?" Which is absurd, telling a Mom that "I'll shoot the f-----," is a horrible thing to say. Not to mention ignorant.

I resent my H for saying things like this. Not to mention fear for my son's well-being.

Good luck and hang in there, it is difficult to change Mom's behavior, she has to do that. Keep in mind, she can change, however, she needs to see how her denial and accomodations of her sons behavior is hurting him as well as your marriage.