I am sorry your family was insensitive to your loss. I think that maybe it is due to their general insensitivity to other people's feelings, nothing against you. Some people think that unless it is a very close relative such as a parent or a child there is no need to express much sympathy. I was devastated last year over death of my grandmother and some people reacted like: well 86 was a long life, it was time to go. Some people are just like that in my experience.

My first instinct is to wonder if your stepkids realized how emotionally close you really were to the person who died?

Or if they assumed you were exaggerating the closeness of your relationship because the person was so famous. Or, if they assumed that just because you were say, 'cousins', that doesn't mean you were emotionally close. (I have first cousins I wouldn't recognize at a family reunion unless they were wearing name tags...)

Sadly, in this day and age of celebrity-worship, it also wouldn't be at all unusual for a person to claim a closer-relationship than actually existed, and it's possible they may have assumed this as well.

Otherwise, know that it's pretty common for even kind-hearted people not know what to say when someone has died -- particularly young people with little experience of death and grieving. So they say nothing, not because they don't care, but because they don't want to make it worse.

Try not to let this sad situation stick in your heart --
And accept my condolances for your loss.

Oh June, I've been there. I, too, figure their heartlessness never ceases to amaze me. I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what these people are thinking...a simple, "I'm sorry for your loss..." is just too much.

When I lost my g-father, I was devastated, to say the least. Not one word or one card came from anyone of the skids. When their mother's father (whom she was estranged from up until recent years after she found religion) passed on, I sent a card and flowers.

I realize I lost a g-father, but he was almost closer to me than my father to whom I am very close, but who also works still. My g-father and I spent many days together after the babies were born and while the oldest was in school, etc. - he was a vivacious and incredible man. W/o him, we'd never have been able to build our house or own our office bldg. We were building a special few rooms in the house for him to have his own quarters - which were the quarters taken over and trashed by SD. Sometimes I think my issues were intensified as she did take over the special rooms meant for him...

Anyway, I don't know how people, knowing you are hurting, cannot come forth w/ a card, at the very least -heck, mail it if you're not good face to face.

My SD sat in on my g-father's memorial I held at the house- she was living there then - in Jan, when he'd have turned 95. (He passed away very unexpectedly, despite his age at 93, but we had been building our house for 5 years, so he never lived to see it thanks to the crooked contractor.) This was a church service (she skipped that) and a dinner reception w/ a slide show of his life for our friends and neighbors in FL (he had had a plot in Ohio, so we flew him there after his death to be by my g-mother.) The outpouring of love and sympathy from my childhood friends was overwhelming. G-father was very well loved and my skids knew him well, of course. Even when talking before the slideshow, when I was overcome w/ emotion (every day is still a struggle), she couldn't offer anything resembling sympathy -more of just wanting to chow down at the buffet...I don't get it.

Anyway, I don't know if these adult skids were just raised w/o any regard from anyone else's feelings, or what. Maybe they're just insensitive because it was MY loss. Not sure. But, I'm sorry you went through this, too, though it's a little comforting to know others suffered the same slights. It does hurt. And, til this, I was shocked they never offered a simple "I'm sorry" when we lost beloved pets along the way....even when it was the dog THEY grew up w/, who died at 15 5 years ago. Maybe they're just cold.

Dana

Ladies,

Thanks so much for your kind words. There wasn't any confusion as to my relationship with him. The girls just didn't know about it until their Dad told them.

I have tried to "let it go", and I haven't said anything to DH about it. It just seemed rather cold to me that none of them could manage to muster one word of comfort to me. I would have been delighted to get a card, an email - anything at all.

I'd like to think that perhaps they were unsure how to articulate their sympathies, but in reality, I don't think my feelings mattered to them at all. They were extremely articulate (SD's and their mother) in expressing their sorrow and grief when they suffered their loss and they did not hesitate to call me whenever they wanted to talk about it.

They know how much it hurts to lose someone you love and they know how comforting it feels to have others give you emotional support as you work through that loss.

Dana, I am sorry this has happened to you, too, and am sorry about your grandfather. In knowing that I am not alone does somehow makes me feel a little better. I think your statement "maybe they are insensitive because this was MY loss" is probably very true - in your case and in mine.

I'm sorry you lost a loved one.

I don't think that their behavior is necessarily because of the stepfamily relationship;
some people are just clueless & ill-behaved.

An old work acquaintance once told me, when I was in a snit with somebody over some insensitive behavior or other, that my mistake was in assuming that everyone was just like me, was raised just like me, knew the same words I knew...
& they don't.

I also highly recommend the Grieving Forum-
lots of wise & compassionate people over there who have had some hard losses & who share their wisdom & compassion in a generous & supportive way.

Fine dreams: I understand about your g-mother. I was completely inconsolable (still am, for the most part) over the loss of my g-father at 93. We were so close. When I say 'this was to be his room' as I show people our house, more than a few have commented, "He was in his 90's and you planned this area of the house for him?" His sisters lived into the mid and upper 90's and he was not ill. It was a shock and I still haven't had a day go by when I don't break down over him. Others made the remark you heard - 'well, he had a good, long life, so be happy...' I understand what they're saying, but, sorry, I can't be happy w/o him. I still picked up the darned phone to call and ask him about people I saw in pics for his slide show...

Sylvia: I have the same issue - I expect people of all walks of life to be like me. I've been so let down - not only from the skids, but from employees, 'friends', etc. who just weren't raised like I was. I mean, I had an employee tell me once, years ago, that her mother wasn't breathing, that she had to go help and leave work. If you tell me that, I'm going to worry about your mother, call to see how she is, keep her in my prayers, etc. Ends up, the employee was battling alcohol issues (has since recovered but no longer works for us) and it was all a lie. Fast forward to last week in church, they announced where the woman just passed away - can't help but wonder if her DD thinks back to that wretched lie and cringes. At least the mom did live to see her DD turn it around, etc.

D

June...I can't imagine exactly how you feel because your skids failed to acknowledge a deep loss, but I had similar feelings over a joyous occasion my SD's failed to acknowledge. I had just finished laboring with my daughter (my skids sister) for 15 hours and the first thing my DH said to me was "Please call the girls and tell them you have had the baby". I called my oldest SD's cell phone and said I just had the baby. She said "That's cool, I'm really busy...I'll call you later." I never heard another word from them until 2 days later when my Father in law went to pick them up and bring them to the hospital. My oldest SD refused to even look at the baby and wouldn't even talk to her or look at her for the first 6 months of her life. She has come around somewhat now, but I was still very hurt. Mind you when their mom's sister had a baby, they were both in the room and went to the hospital every day to visit. It really hurts when you continue to put yourself out there and open your heart and you are constantly rejected. It sometimes feels I am in junior high again. I understand why some SM's become so bitter....you try and try and how many times can you be rejected before you just give up and decide it isn't worth it.

Also, every year, my DH will call my oldest SD like 5 times on my birthday and ask her to call or text message me a Happy Birthday wish. He thought I didn't know it last year, but after she never called or texted, I told him to give it up. Obviously she didn't want to say Happy Birthday and I was fine with that.

Bless your heart...I know it hurts.

Lafavem,

Thank you. You're right - it is the rejection that hurts so much. I used to tell my husband that I'm not used to being so intensely disliked by anyone!

How awful you must have felt with your SD's reaction to your new baby. I imagine that must have taken the wind out your sails. As for birthdays, my youngest SD will usually send a card or email but the oldest ignores my birthdays, too.

Finedreams and Dana, the loss of a beloved grandparent can be very painful. I've been through that as well a few years ago. I think the longer we have them in our lives, the more precious the relationship becomes to us.

Sylvia, thank you for the information on the grieving forum. I appreciate that and I do appreciate everyone's very kind words.

The hardest thing about the after baby phone call is all I wanted to do at that moment is relish in my new baby and my friends and family who loved me that were present for the birth (best friend, mom, aunt cousin). My SD's were not interested in being present for the birth (which I completely understand). My DH INSISTED I call, and I knew the reaction was going to hurt my feelings. It aggravated me that his first thought is to call them and not just enjoy the moment. Oh well...just one of those things that has stuck with me.

lafevem:

I could relate to your baby news. My SDs did NOT take the news well at all about my being pg the first time. I was right there and they made no attempt to hide their feelings. I wasn't there w/ the second and third announcements, but it was obvious the girls were again, less than thrilled. (I think I mentioned the OSD yelling at DH when the third was announced, "Don't you two know about birth control!" Imagine talking like that to your parent.)

I'm not a "shower" person (feel funny about being the center of attention and everyone spending their hard earned $ on me), but my childhood friends insisted on one. The only way they could do it was to do a surprise. Well, DH brought my SDs who sat in the corner and w/ attitudes, and, my friends all thought it was awful that they couldn't have brought so much as a card for the baby and me. Oh well. I think I got one hospital visit the first time from the oldest SD, and that was it.

Personally, I can't imagine not being excited about a baby whether he's related to you or not!

Dana

It's far worse when your own father doesn't call on your birthday. Sometimes he takes the birthday child out in the vicinity of his or her birthday, but when he does it is instead of, rather than in addition to, his regular weekly dinner at McD's with all the younger kids, so the other kids don't see him that week. I do not think he has even once called the children to wish them happy birthday. Last year when the kids forgot his birthday (because, for the first time, I forgot to remind them) he got really irritated with them.

June,

Speaking as a stepdaughter, I really don't think your SDs' actions were because they dislike you so intensely. Rather, it's what my mother would call a plain "lack of raising."

I've seen this many times from many different types of people. Some people are just boneheaded morons when it comes to dealing with loss and death that isn't directly associated with themselves. When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, a very close friend heard the news and immediately rushed to tell me of everyone she knew who'd had cancer ... and died. And when a work acquaintance was diagnosed with cancer, two of her close friend simply never contacted her again. They told other people her sickness made them "uncomfortable."

In fact, one of the hardest things I've gone through recently was the death of my best friend. We worked in the same place and everyone there knew how close we were. But when she died, no one at the office thought to even give me a sympathy card. That's been hard to put aside. I was so hurt by their insensitivity that I refused to sign a sympathy card when another coworker lost his grandfather. I'm not proud that I lashed out that way, but hurt can make you do weird things.

I know it's going to be hard to get over, but I think it might help if you were to express to your SDs just how much their lack of empathy hurt you. Maybe the next time one of them brings up her grandmother, you could say something like, "I know just how you feel. I've been missing Joe so much. It hurts to lose someone you're so close to."

Lily,

Thank you. I guess it didn't occur to me that it wasn't "personal" but you as well as others have stated it could be a lack of upbringing.

I'm sorry about your mom and your best friend. I would be angry too, at your co-workers insensitivity. I think some people feel it is easier to almost "shun" someone when they've come down with a serious illness or lost a loved one. It is uncomfortable for them to deal with it, I guess.

I have considered saying something to my youngest stepdaugher as she is the one I was most surpised at for not saying anything as we get along very well. I may do what you suggested when the opportunity arises.

Thanks again,
June

June,

I also agree with LilySuzanne. I don't think it's personal rather a lack of upbringing. Perhaps your husband should sit down with them and explain when grief touches upon someone the basic condolence process. It's a reflection on him, not you. But I understand how you feel and it hurts. I'm terribly sorry for your loss. Life is so fragile, don't waste a moment of energy over their lack of upbringing.

I am sorry june to hear about your loss and your sc reaction.

I have been reading alot on this Forum lately and it has done me ALOT of good. I wish i could have found it years ago but what i do know is that what i am reading just confirms to me that what i have been doing for the last several months ( and i have been doing it very seriously) is disengaging myself from DH adult children.

I have done everything and anything for these children in the last 18 years and now that i am disengaging myself....i wonder why i got so trapped in their lives in the first place. I guess it was just the emotional instinct of a woman that made me react towards them like i had to be there for them constantly. Today, i can just say, that it is was not worth it at all!

I must not be the only one feeling this way considerint June0000 post.

It truly hurts me that stepchildren can be so inconsiderate. I've told my three SC that i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia two years ago. After work, i can hardly do anything and weekends i really, really try to relax and take care of myself.

Not one stepchild has ever called in the last two years to simply ask me : How are you feeling?

Well, i wonder why i haven't invited them even once over in the last months! On saturday, we had to stopped at the oldest stepdaughter's house for a minute. I didn't get out of the car. DH did. His daughter was outside and she could very easily see me in the car, waiting for her dad. Six months ago, i would have made sure i would have waved my hand at her to say Hi. This time, i just waited a little bit to see if she was going to wave her hand at me. Nope! Didn't happen. Not when we first arrived her place nor when we left! Ask me if i care!

Lessons life teaches you.

Keep on posting. Be good to yourselves.

Fleurs, the problem may not be your SC specifically, but your illness. I know someone with fibromyalgia and know most people don't consider it a serious illness. Or even a real one!

My friend is in pain a lot of the time, with muscles screamingly tender to the touch and other symmptoms. But because she doesn't have a bandage or something, people dismiss FM as being something "in her head."

You have my sympathies.

lilysuzanne,

I totally agree that strangers may not know THAT i am not feeling very well phycially because of the fibrom...... except my DH adult children DO KNOW THAT I HAVE THIS. What would it be FOR THEM to inquire once in awhile about my health!

What goes around comes around. That's what i think.

DH's son joined the armed forces a few months ago. Since he has gone, he has called his mom and his sisters many, many times. Not once has he called our house. He has come home for weekends and not once has he called his father. DH is upset and sad about this. I really don't think he deserves this of his son. At first it bothered me that we didn't get any news from his son. Today, i don't care. I keep telling myself why should i care in the first place about him considering i was totally against his decision to join the forces. When he will want to talk to me...he knows where to join me.

Six months ago, before i started disengaging from DH's adult children, i would have done everything to get in contact with him. I probably would have done it even before DH would have done it even though it is HIS son we are talking about here. I was always ahead of DH when it came time to his children. I bought the birthday presents, the xmas presents, made sure they would have a big fat nice meal on sunday's etc. etc. etc. At one point, when i really realized none of this was appreciated, i stopped. Never felt better since. I am not saying it is easy, but it is possible to do it and still be happy in life and not feel guilty all the time.

I hope some step parents who posts here will start to do it and let us know how it is going.

Keep posting.

Hi fleurs -
I can identify with your situation although I have not been a SM for nearly as many years as you.

I was like you, thinking of my SKs even before DH did - with gifts, dinners/lunches out or fixed at home, or picking up small things we might find on trips that I thought they would enjoy receiving. No thanks or appreciation was given except to DH - my contribution was basically ignored.

So, DH began telling SD26 that it was me who was being so thoughtful and that he would appreciate it if she personally thanked me. She agreed to it but never followed through. The info that I was behind these acts of kindness actually brought on more glares and rudeness from SD towards me. DH was so hurt by her lack of courtesy and embarrassed too.

The only behavior left to those of us in this situation is to disengage - for our own mental health. I am doing this although it is the opposite of my nature - I am a joiner not a destabilizer. I am a peacemaker, not a rebel-rouser.

My heart goes out to you and to all of the SMs on the board who are walking in similar shoes. My new attitude of disengagement is the only thing keeping me sane and allowing me some self-respect.

My DH is behind my decision 100% and totally understands that I am not disengaging out of punishment but rather out of necessity. I hope your DH is also supportive and encouraging.

Blessings!

I wonder why BMs allow their children to treat SMs with direspect (provided of course that SMs are nice to children). I always made sure that my daughter is nice to her SM and always remind her to say "thanks" etc. Whatever happened between the parents should not effect children so negativelly.