At this point I would just tell sd that you are there for her if she ever wants to talk and that you know how hard it must be with her mom not being around. Tell her that if she ever wants to talk to you or dh about it she can and that it is perfectly normal to be sad about it at times or even mad about it at times. That is pretty much what we have done with my older 2 sd's.

I really think that as time goes on they just do not think about it much.

Five and Mom2....I m afraid that why doesnt she want me, abandonment issue lasts a lifetime...My DH is 25,(adopted) he STILL has problems with the why she didnt want me...Even tho he was told everyday of his life how much he was loved and wanted by me, and the most important thing in my world, I dont think he will ever get over what he feels like a rejection...I d put a note under her pillow from time to time and tell her how much you love her and you re always available to talk... Even tho they dont talk about it, they dont forget about it...

Dotz has a really good suggestion. Depending on her personality it is hard to tell how to reach her. She may also feel like if she talks about it to you and her Dad that it will hurt you two to hear it and she may not want to feel like a burden.

Abandonment issues do last a lifetime. Even if she is not actively saying she is hurt or if she can even acknowledge it right now or not, she will deal with these issues at one point. I'd try to make it clear that you and Dad are willing to talk at any time about anything.

Another thing, when a child loses one parent they often feel like they can't alienate the other one or they will go to the opposite spectrum and actively try to challenge the other parent by acting out. Your stepdaughter sounds like she is the type to feel like she can't alienate the parent left.

yes as far as behavior issues go she hasnt displayed anything other than what I consider normal for her age, she gets good grades and follows directions most of time :)She acts just like any other kid her age...

I dont think she doesnt talk to us about it because she worries we will be hurt, we have always been pretty open as a family when speaking about BM, and from what I gather from speaking with her best freinds mom and GM she has completely stopped talking about her in their presence too which isnt the way it used to be...
I know I cant make this go away, I wish I could with all my might but I know I cant....I know she will carry this with her for the rest of her life and I just want to make sure I am managing the situation in the most productive manner for her...
I just don't know, I feel like it is unhealthy to not talk about it but I dont want to force her, maybe this is something that will surface later on as she grows...

maybe it is not as traumatic for her since she never remember a time when BM was around more than every once in a while opposed to a kid that mom just picks up and leaves....but it still has got to hurt....

fiveinall, I think that just by being aware and concerned about these issues will help you and your stepdaughter more than you know.

My mother essentially abandoned me before I can remember clearly. I assure you that it does affect me to this day. The best helpful and supportive resources I feel that deal with the situation of abandonment for a child are adoption books. They adequately describe and give helpful and supportive ways of dealing with grief for a child.

There will be periods of where a child does not talk about it and may not be consciously aware of the impact, but it will come up and affect their life in many profound ways.

have u ever thought about counseling?

We did do counseling for a bit when SD was around 7, BM asked to start seeing SD more (prior to that it was only 4 hours per month) and when she started going for visits more she started displaying aggressive behavior to her sister at home, and also to other kids at school (Physically)....which is/was totally not the way SD normally acts.......she wentto counseling for a while, her bad behavior stopped (I am not sure if it was the counseling or if it was because the "I want to spend more time with my daughter" gig didn't last very long, after her behavior stopped she went for a few more months and then counselor said he thought she was handling things fine now and he didnt want her to feel that there was something wrong with her....
I may ask her though if she would like to talk to someone...

fiveinall, it doesn't always have to be a counselor.

There are some boy and girl mentor programs in my area. It is helpful and healing for some older kids to hang out and mentor younger kids in similar situations. I actually still keep in touch with some of the younger kids I used to mentor as a teen.

Maybe your area has a program like this?