How far along is your mom in the wedding planning and how much work has she put into it already? Forget about step-kids/blended family question for just a sec--- won't your mother be hurt if you just take off and get married next month w/o her even present, especially if she's been doing a alot already for the wedding? Did you ask her or want her to in the first place, or did she 'take over'?

I don't mean to sidetrack your question too much, but just curious about this mother/wedding plan situation. If she's like most Moms, her daughter's wedding is a HUGE deal...
Of course, I have no idea of the particulars of the situation... just want to caution you not to alienate or pi$$ off Mama! (Future Grandma, and hopefully NOT Future Monster-in-Law!)

I'm curious about your own negative experiences growing up.

We are a blended family and I must confess that holidays are very hard. It's particularly hard since the kids get split up to go to separate places half way through the day. This year, we're trying something different - a Disney trip just before Christmas. We'll be all together and we will celebrate in Florida. Presents will be small because the budget will be spent on Disney tickets.

I'm interested in what you say about the "sides". Having lived this experience, what are your thoughts?

My husband and I are growingly increasingly concerned that the kids are being split between different and isolated worlds and the effects are not good. They're dropping out of activities, losing touch with friends and, quite frankly, they are all getting a little weird. It's as if they have compartmentalized their worlds and live double lives. I think that they are all very lonely at times and social isolation is not good for kids. We both have very difficult ex's and every issue is a battle. The stress has taken its toll on both of us.

We're considering ending joint custody for all of our children - even if it means that we lose custody. In our jurisdiction, the courts rarely grant sole custody - they like joint custody, even if it means ripping kids in half. It's a painful decision - but it seems like the kids relive the divorce every second week and it's really hard to watch. We're also pretty exhausted from the ongoing battle with self-absorbed ex's who are intent on taking every opportunity to make trouble.

You're wise to anticipate and try to address problems before getting married, and your solution to financial issues makes sense to me if it works for both of you.

Most of the problems you read about here have to do with raising and disciplining the stepkids, so I'd spend a good amount of time discussing this with Hubby-to-be before getting married. Probably the most common single complaint here goes something like this:

"Hubby's kids are spoiled brats. They're only with us every other weekend and I dread seeing them again. He wants their time with us to be pleasant so Hubby can't or won't say "No" to them and gives in to whines and tantrums. He seems to be parenting out of guilt and nothing I say seems to make a difference. On top of that, he expects me to do all of the work of child-raising - yet he undermines me every chance he gets!" The corollary to that complaint is: "He's so much tougher on my kids (or "ours together") and won't let them get away with anything!

Another frequent complaint happens once the newlyweds add their own children to the mix, and that goes something like this:

"MY kids are wonderful and his are horrible! I find myself wishing they would disappear." Often there's also a componant of "They were pretty nice before, but after Hubby and I had our own kids, they got all jealous and now they want Dad all to themselves and constantly elbow me out of the way."

Then there's the "BioMom is a crazy vindictive $itc# who takes advantage of Hubby and is constantly calling to ask for favors, change plans, etc. In addition to that, she badmouths me to the kids and has poisoned our relationship. Before we got married, the kids loved me, but know, thanks to BM, they give me dirty looks, ignore me, and talk back."

Frankly, trying to iron all of this out in a month seems overly ambitious.
I'd advise taking your attention OFF the wedding and putting it on the MARRIAGE.

Good luck to you both --

"How far along is your mom in the wedding planning and how much work has she put into it already?"
- No date has been picked or money spent. These are topics we can't seem to reach a decision on (i.e. Mom wants it at hers and my S-dad's country club, and I think that's too pretentious and out of the way for most of our guests). Both my BM and BD have been invited to the beach wedding, and are coming! They both seemed really relieved, and excited at taking an improptu vacation.

"I'm interested in what you say about the "sides". Having lived this experience, what are your thoughts?"
- Today I sent my parents an email regarding the wedding, and for the first time in my LIFE, addressed it to "Mom and Dad." It's usually just one or the other. So weird! My brother and I had such different experiences at each parent's house. Sometimes it was kind of fun to have two different "lives," but mostly it left us feeling like guests in each different family's house. Our parent's fought A LOT, (Bio and Step) however we both grew up great (thank god we had each other!) and knowing that our parent's loved us, but the family dynamic is sooooo different at Mom and Dad's house. We both have great childhood friendships that have lasted into our late twenties, and I think those have really been our support system.

"Frankly, trying to iron all of this out in a month seems overly ambitious."
- I appreciate the thoughts on common conflicts on these boards. I really don't feel as though we have things to "iron out," as we have had many a discussion about our future over the last two years. Just hoping for any specific issues to combat before they come up...I might be a little paranoid, but things are just so easy with him and FSS, so I'm wondering if I am missing something! I love fiance's kids and think they are loving and intelligent, and mostly we have had a great relationship. Fiance has given me full permission to dicipline and set boundaries, especially in his absence and always backs me up, and FSS's actually listen to me! So I really don't have any worries there.

"BioMom is a crazy vindictive $itc# who takes advantage of Hubby and is constantly calling to ask for favors, change plans, etc"
-this one we deal with regularly, but I am trying not to take anything personally, as I've learned (mostly from reading posts on here) that I can't control her, just how I react to her. I love to hear everyone's coping mechanisms for this!

this is what we decided to do about holidays:

After many years of spending most of our holiday in a car trying to make it to all sides of the family (which is big I am the product of divorced parents as well so we had my Dads house, My grandmas house, my moms house, my husbands parents house, and then SD would still need to go to BM's house...)I decided That it was just too much..my kids are on the younger side and spending most of christmas in the car just wasnt fun anymore...Now we tell everyone we will be at home and mark on the calander a few days around the holiday to celebrate here at home (like Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and the day after)who ever would like to come is more than welcome to!! no one took offense and every side did come to visit (diff days for those who didn't see eye to eye LOL)Christmas was much more relaxing and i wasn't reday to pull my hair out...
The only thing this doesnt work for is SD needing to go to BMs but it didnt apply this year since she chose not to see her on Christmas...This year if she does pop out of the blue and wants to see SD we will just make sure our visiting days here at home work around when she goes...

Thanks fiveinall! Our holidays have been the same way...My Dad's house, then Moms, then maternal grandparents, then paternal grandparents, then DH's parents, then someone upset because we spent more time with "the other side" than with them!! Crazy.

I love the idea of telling people where we will be, and having them come to us for a change! What a concept... :)

There are many things that can come up in a blended family. Some things I can think of are:

-wills: what will go to who if/when you die
-college funds for the kids
-parenting styles/discipline strategies
-alternating or sharing holidays with both of your families
(what has worked for us on this is we usually try to do some combined holidays where we invite both of our families to our home and all do the holiday together--its a lot of work but usually everyone pitches in and brings some of the food)
-discuss goals for the future
-discuss the possibility of having future children

Good luck with your wedding. While a destination wedding is nice are you sure that is what you really want??

And did your future dh's ex finally agree to getting passports??? How did it get worked out? I remember her crazy list of demands.

I apologize if you posted this & I just missed it, but how long have you known your fiance?

An impulsive wedding sounds very romantic, but if it means an impulsive *marriage*, it's downright scary, especially since you say "I might be a little paranoid, but things are just so easy with him and FSS, so I'm wondering if I am missing something!"

Don't move faster than you can think.

I wish you the best.

Thanks for your comments. I'm thinking hard about what you said about being a guest in each house. I must confess that I struggle with that as a stepmother. The stepkids aren't around half the time - but life goes on without them. We try to involve them in big decisions about house, but we do have to have a life while they're gone. We have friends over, go to parties, get new stuff - and they show up to find that they've missed it all.

Sometimes I feel like we do a little "pretending" - as if it's more their home than it really is.

Mom2emall listed some very important ones. Definitely discuss all of those in depth, with total openness & honesty and with every hypothetical scenario you can imagine before you tie the knot. Any one of those things can turn into a minefield and start poisoning the relationship and even the entire future blended family if you are not in full, genuine agreement (at least on the most important fundamentals of each topic ---maybe you don't have to agree on literally how many days 'grounding' should be or have every single holiday pre-planned years in advance but the basic concepts and strategies for compromise and resolution of conflicts where they may occur). Where you see areas of serious disagreement in relation to those issues, you need to do everything in your power to come up with a plan you both agree with, or you need to re-think the possibility of marriage.

The biggest possible mistake either of you can make is to think you can change the other, or change the other's opinions or feelings on a matter that they are firm about (i.e. "once she sees what a great dad I am, she'll want to have kids even though she swears now she will never want to", or "he says now that his kids are his first priority, but I think, with time, I can convince him that I should be his first priority", etc.)

Of course, in general, this kind of advice is good for any couple considering marriage... and no two individuals will absolutely agree on every little thing... but with a potential blended-family situation, it's just harder, so both of you have to be twice as proactive, twice as compatible with each other, twice as mature, twice as open-minded, twice as thorough and communicative and twice as willing to compromise. If neither of you is up to the task of accepting that the situation you're entering into is twice as hard as a first marriage for both of you without falling into regret or resentment that it's twice as hard, then you need to opt out now. It WILL be harder, and maybe that isn't fair, but now is the chance for both of you to make your final decision, knowing going into it that it will be harder.

For Holidays we used to spend half the day at my parents and half the day at my in laws getting step children for Thanksgiving one year and Christmas the next, but then decided it was easier to celebrate Thanksgiving at my parents on the Friday after with my parents and my in laws on Thursday and for Christmas we would go to one the night before and the other christmas day. That way my sister can do the same with her in laws and we can be together the entire day. It was hard always waiting around for my sister to spend an hour or 2 at her mother in laws then drive to her father in laws for part of the day. I know I probably sound confusing but we just try to be flexible and as long as the family can be together the day we celebrate is not so important even if it is not the actual holiday date.

Stefk18,

Don't be surprised if your relationship with your fiance's children changes following the marriage when he becomes your DH & FSS become SS. I think all kids (regardless of age) harbor a wish (conscious or unconscious) that their parents, if divorced, will one day reconcile. As long as Mommy or Daddy is just dating (or even just co-habitating) with another, it remains possible they may eventually get back together.

The wedding changes everything.

Don't be surprised if you suddenly feel like your stepchild has become possessed by the devil.

And DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

Be kind; be compassionate; be patient; persevere; be forgiving; be understanding; be firm and loving in maintaining boundaries and limits; step back and let his father enforce and reinforce those limits; be consistent in your caring and love for SS...

Do all this no matter how much you are tested.

Ultimately, your SS will respond positively and then you can allow a genuine love and affection grow between you.

It can be a beautiful thing.