Where will the bike be located?

When it's geographically feasible, having another bike and helmet at your place would be a good idea. Intil then, it's a nuisance.

I'd suggest that you buy the kid a good used bike - he'll outgrow it in a couple of years, and they are an expensive faddish thing.

My take - buy the bike. Not because BM wants you to, but because every kid should have a bike. It is just one of those rights of passage in childhood and I can't see a reason why you would want to deprive them of it.

As far as payment - if you are willing to pay 55% for bike expenses, what is the problem? When 2 bikes are needed, paying for one is going to be roughly 50% of the total cost. Are you upset that you are paying too little?

"It would stay at her home and we would get no use out of it." Think about that for a second........Exactly what use are you expecting to get out of a kids bike? It isn't for you, it is for josh and sam. Don't make this about you, your new home, your marriage or anything but the kids. It should not be a part of some power struggle between you and BM - it should be about what is best for the kids. I can't think of a possible reason why denying the kid a bike would be in their best interest. I know you aren't a selfish person, so why play this game?

Besides, with a new home on the way, I bet there will be plenty of oppertunities for the kids to ride their bikes at your home in the future.

I agree that a bike is a right of passage.. He already has one with training wheels on it...it's a perfectly good bike, no REAL need for one...the training wheels just need to be taken off.. I've seen it...it's not too small, broken or anything. Would be fine to use for another year. When I say we would get no use out of it-I mean that we would be making a purchase for something that does not stay in this home-that we do not get to see Josh with. It's no different than toys that we have for them here....we buy them, they stay here......she buys them, they stay there. And we don't share them. Of course I know the bike is for him...and he will use it, and that will matter most to him.. Of course I know it is about the kids! DUH! But, the question is, should we be paying full price for it, or sharing in the cost? Why should we pay full price if it stays at her house... why should we pay full cost when we will then have to turn around and get 2 NEW bikes when we move into our new home? Is she then going to turn around and pay for one of those? I'm not about to pack a bike everytime they switch houses, neither is D. That's a pain....it's bad enough they have to float back and forth...we don't need to now transition a bike! This is not a typical thing where the child just visits his or her Dad once a week.....they are back and forth like revolving doors. Would you like to come here and help us take the bikes back and forth, Billy boy? I'm not denying the kid a bike, HE'S GOT ONE ALREADY! The only reason I would even consider getting him the bike for his Mother's house, is to shut her up...and keep the peace so she doesn't have to feel like she has no power....and so she reacts a little bit less agitated about our house. And yes, so my step-son can enjoy it, but he doesn't really need it... Otherwise, D and I would say screw the bike!

Don't get all huffy with me and call names. You neglected to mention he already had a bike. Getting another bike is different from getting his first bike. You don't need to get an extra one if he already has one. You also didn't say you were going to get 2 new bikes in a short time period. If you buy bikes for your house and she buys bikes for hers, you should either split all the costs or none of them. However, you need to tell her about the plan if you want to take that line of reasoning.

If the kids are just going to have 1 bike - then it is like a sporting expense. You both chip in to pay for those. If you are going to buy a bike for your house and BM buys a bike for hers, then it fits into the toy category where each of you pay for your own.

The problem is - you only told us and biomom half the story upfront. She thinks the situation is 1 bike per kid and thinks you are wrong for not paying. You think it is 2 bikes for each kid, so you shouldn't pay. Both of you are making the correct decision given the information you have available, but you aren't both working with the same information.

I was just being facetious with the Billy boy thing...sorry. Also, you are right...I did neglect to mention that he already had a bike! I thought I wrote that in there...or somehow assumed readers would know! Sorry about that everyone and Bill!
Your point about "different" information is valid.....DAMN IT, WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS RIGHT! Have to think about that one.

Sorry I sounded snappy - the billyboy thing is fine. My grandmother used to call me that. I'm just a little edgy today. My FIL went in for bipass surgery this morning. My wife was traveling on business, so she detoured up there yesterday. I'm just sitting here at work not getting much of anything done - waiting for a report.

I can certainly understand being edgy. I will say a prayer for FIL and your family. Let me know when you get a report. My uncle went in for a triple bypass last year... He is doing very well now.....it's just hell waiting....a very long surgery.
I can entertain you with more stories about Marie if you want... HAHAHAHA! Let me know if I can pass the time for ya. Boxerjam.com has some good games.... I always love to play Slingo when I need to pass time. Good luck! HUGSSSSSSSS!

Jennifer: We went throught the same situation with my boys. We started out carting the bicycles back and forth from house to house and then that got to be too much because by the time you put the bikes in the vehicle, there is no room for the suitcases. My boys spend 2 weeks with me and 2 weeks with their Dad. We finally agreed that the items we bought for them stayed at our house and vice versa. The clothing was a different story, we tried that one for a few months, but it didn't work, so they pack a suitcase when they change houses. The boys had a hard time with it at first, but after we explained that carting their things back and forth just left alot of room for them to be damaged, they understood. This was especially important for things like Playstation. We do however share computer games. They get installed at both houses and then return to the house that purchased them. We also have a similar arrangement as yours with the activities the boys are involved in. We each pay 50/50 for their sporting fees, camp fees and any gear required for those activities. We also pay 50/50 on their school clothes and supplies. I have been very fortunate that my ex and I have not had 1 disagreement regarding the payment of these types of things. Considering how ugly the divorce was. . . . .

I think your SS should continue to use the bike he has, without the training wheels, and then when you move into your new house, you can buy them bikes to use at your house. I don't consider a bike an "activity" to share expenses on. Yes, every kid should have a bike, but if he can't ride it at your house, then why should you pay for it.
I think Marie is just trying to get you to pay so that she doesn't have to foot the entire bill. Maybe you could buy SS a scooter for your house, these take up alot less room and still give him something to ride.

Good luck

I have to thank you guys today for giving me a chuckle! I thought I was the only one in a snippy mood! :-)

I, too, believe that your step son should just use the bike he has. She can remove the training wheels. Besides, the holidays will soon be upon us -- not sure if you celebrate Christmas -- but that might be the perfect time for him to get a new bike, kept at his mother's house and paid for by HER.

And Jennifer, the financial success you have (and happiness you have found) with their Dad should have no bearing on the relationship BM has with her kids. It doesn't entitle her to "extra" anything, be it money or whatever. Do not feel guilty about your beautiful new home and approaching wedding.

When my hubby and I moved into our house 3 years ago (also 5 BR, 3 BA -- hey, we have FOUR kids!), his ex implied several times that she had somehow paid for our home and therefore we owed her! We just laughed at her ridiculous perspective. Your success is your own, and you don't need to share it with BM, or even try to minimize or hide it in any way.

Your fiancee seems like a good man who takes care of his kids in every way, but that doesn't mean he has to foot the bills for things BM should pay for herself.

Jennifer,
Here is my two cents. He has a bike and doesnt need another one right? You have a home and you dont need a bigger better one either. Get my point. Save your battles (not sure if there is one at this point, just a fiqure or speech) for more important things. Also, I noticed that everytime there is an issue you mention how she is jelous over this and that. I sense alot of jelousy on your part (not trying to be mean here). There are many many many women in this world who are not bothered by the ex-wife at all. I have a feeling that you think she cares more than she does. This is only a one sided story here and we only hear your side. Instead of looking at it as well she is jelous we are so happy and getting married ect ect. How about thinking she just wants a bike for her kid? Have you ever heard the saying someone's trash is someone else's treasure? She was married to him before and had his children. She knows EXACTLY what he is like and was not happy and moved on. Now getting a divorce is a major thing so you must be pretty unhappy. I would bet any money that she would not want to be back where she used to be. Now, I realize it is common for women to think "oh the ex still WANTS him". There may have been one that I wished I could have back. But, that is about it. Again, since you cant hear my words they do sound like I am being mean. I am not saying these in a mean to to you. Just telling you what I have learned in my life about the ex's. Most of them do not want to be where they once were period.

Hey Brit,

I don't think she wants to get back with him...I've never worried about that! They were equally unhappy and they are such different people that to even wish to be together again, would be complete stupidity. I know she is happier where she is and wouldn't change it at all. She hates his guts and thinks he's gross! The jealousy I speak of is NOT because the man she wants is with another woman. The jealousy is because her life is unsettled and chaotic while ours is peaceful and VERY settled. While she doesn't dwell on it all the time, as you said, it still bothers her that her ex-husband is happier and moving toward a future while she is not. My parents have been divorced for 21 years and I know for sure that neither of them want to be together, but when my Mom sees Dad, with his wife of 10 years and his other daughter and their nice home, a part of her wonders why she cannot have that, why she is still alone.. and it makes her feel that she has not and is not providing that family experience for me. I think this is what Marie goes through. We are providing a kind of life for the children that at this time, she cannot. That creates jealousy... Perhaps that is not the word to use to describe it. However, it is an understandable kind of jealousy. If the situation was reversed, I would feel jealous too.
We have a nurturing loving home with a lot of affection and caring. There are limits for the kids.....they know what to expect, it is a comfortable, consistent place. This is where they get their family feelings from. When we have a house with the white picket fence, pool in the yard, cuddly dog that doesn't scratch and bite (Marie's dog scratched me last week, had to go to the hospital, and nipped kids twice!), a baby brother or sister, Marie will have a messy home, messy yard, scratching, loveless dog, no other person in the home to share in the love of a family. And it will still be inconsistent, possibly more! Now, this does not make her a bad person, or a bad Mother, it will just be different. Things are different now, but this new house and marriage and everything that comes with it, will really be setting this further apart. She will know she cannot provide this for the kids and she will feel left out, insecure, jealous. You don't agree with that?
My good friend Karen is married to a man with 4 children from another marriage. Karen had it all. The kids loved her... She was the consummate Donna Reed. Everything was perfect and the kids loved her for that. They moved into a new home, got a dog, did the whole nine yards and then suddenly the kids changed. Their Mother went nuts, turned the kids against her. She was so threatened by the life they were leading that she started bad-mouthing Karen's husband and Karen to the kids. 5 years later and the kids don't even come to the house to see their own Father! It's horrible!
I can't be afraid to move up in life. Mom 24 you are right in what you say and that is the attitude that D and I are going to take.....but I can't help but to fear her feelings.

Jennifer - FIL came through fine. No complications and everything seems to have took- ie very little bleeding. Good news all around.

Great Bill! What a huge relief, right?? Best wishes for a speedy recovery!!!

Jennifer - I'm not sure jealousy is the the right word either. BM may compare her situation to yours, and it is quite possible that she wishes she could have some of the things that you have. That very well may be a cause of some of her actions.

However, a little bit of knowledge can be a dangerous thing. She may be jealous, but she is a whole lot of other things as well. It is just too convienient to attribute all conflicts to this small part of her personality. It sometimes seems as though you assume jealousy is the cause and look for other expanations later. None of us know her, so your insight may be dead on, but that doesn't necessarily make it the best starting point for solving conflicts with her. Having one explanation often cause us to overlook other explanations - it is human nature.

My analogy - What if your kid was fidgiting and wasn't paying attention in school. Some teachers would be pretty quick to label him ADHD. Once they do that, the tendancy is to use that label to explain all sorts of his actions. The problem begins when, because of the label, other causes for his behavior get overlooked. What if he needed glasses, or was being picked on, or was having problems at home, or the class was too easy/hard ect. If you rely on the label to explain the behavior, you might miss the real cause. The diagnosis might be right, but you never know for sure unless you make an effort to consider alternative explainations.

I started reading this thread with great interest because we have had similar battles with my husbands ex.. We have complicating matters though... Here's my situation:

My SD has Down Syndrome so there are special financial situations for medical expenses. Her father has the medical insurance and her mother pays the first $200 of whatever isn't paid by insurance. Everything over and above insurance and the $200 they split 55% (Mom) - 45% (Dad). Since their divorce, in about March of each year, her mother provided a list of all of the medical expenses that needed to be split 55-45. The first year we were married and I saw the list I completely came unglued!!! You should see the stuff she tried to claim were medical expenses...

Here is the short list (along with her reasoning for claiming it as a medical expense): horseback riding lessons (it helps her heart), computer keyboarding lessons (for hand eye coordination), swimming lessons (for cardiovascular health), karate lessons (hand-eye coordination), summer camp fees (disable children's camp), gymnastic classes (cardiovascular health benefit), fee for Special Olympic registrations, a $600 3-wheeled bicycle (because the doctor said she should get more exercise and she isn't able to ride a two-wheeler)... I could go on and on. Needless to say we pared down what we felt were actual medical expenses and paid that, took what was left and hired an attorney! (Our share was over $2,000, we paid $350)

She took it to court and the judged ripped into her for "wasting the courts time and for trying to steal money from her daughter's father" (judge's words, not mine). The judge pointed out that she was spending someone elseÂs money without consulting him on what he could afford. He told her that under no circumstances is a BICYCLE a medical expense, nor are horses, swimming, gymnastics or karate! He explained that these activities are extra curricular and that is what the child support is for! Just because there is a healthy benefit to the activity, it doesnÂt make it a medical expense.

The judge then took it upon himself to adjust the child support (it was WAY too high), change who claimed her on taxes each year. (My husband got her once every 3 years, the judge changed it to every other) and he told the dingbat that her father was to be consulted on ALL medical expenses that he would be sharing and that if there was a dispute that it would have to be settled in his court room. He then told her not to have any disputes because he didn't want to see her in his court room!

My husband says that she never tried to claim those stupid expenses before I came around. We believe that it was a jealousy thing. We got married and moved into a nice house together, and had that perfect family. She was left with a rundown house in a shoddy neighborhood (she told my husband when he gave her our address, "Couldn't you live somewhere more MODEST?!?!"), no significant other... Once she remarried she left us alone. Until her husband came along all she had to focus on was her daughter and it killed her when her daughter came to our house and had fun. She wasn't jealous of our relationship, but of our life together. She wanted to be the one who was happy and moving on.

I am telling you, once she got remarried and the focus was put back onto her life, she quit bothering us. She forgot about our perfect life and started to focus on her own. We haven't heard from her attorney is about 5 years. Used to be we got a threatening letter from him once a month.

I believe that there is a certain amount of jealousy with JenniferÂs SSÂs biomom  she is jealous of JenniferÂs lifestyle! IÂve been there! Eventually the biomom will move on and find something else to focus on.

Jennifer,
you asked me if I agreed with that? Yes and no. You are looking at her sitution threw your eyes and feelings. There is a big possiblity that she does not see her life as you described it at all or the fact she cant provide for her kids. I know I have told you I was in this sitution a long time ago and might add again wouldnt do it again for ANYONE! :-) The bio mom never thought she did anything wrong. I couldnt BELIEVE it. She would not show up for visitation, leave her kid places for the weekend ect ect ect. For sure could not support the kid When the childs father spoke to her about it the reaction was just plain DUH!! Lights on no one home. So I guess my point is the way you describe her life is the way YOU see it not the way she sees it. Yes, maybe she will feel that way but, not if she does not see her life in a mess as you described. The way she views your sitution I am sure is far from what you describe. I am sure if she were here we would hear how you do not have kids and dont know how to raise hers and blah blah blah. The kids want to stay with her and they are clinging to her and all that. Personally if I were Marie I would not be jelous of your sitution at all. I am out having a good time and you are raising my kids! You are living with a man that is gross. Doesnt sound like she would be jelous. As far as the new house anyone can sign up to get a new house. Shoot I did it by myself many many years ago. Its not a big deal. Not sure where I am going with this post. LOL... I guess its everyone looks at things threw there own eyes with their own feelings. I have a feeling that she does not look at your life as this perfect thing at all. But, I dont know either one of you. Keep us posted.

So we didn't contribute toward the bike! Marie just respected our decision.....and she got over it pretty fast! And today she called to let us know a very generous neighbor gave a bike to my SS. Turns out their son outgrew his bike! YAY! I love when things work out like this! At the rate my SS is growing, we'd be at Toys r Us every weekend for a new bike. This helps!
On another note, need another opinion.. BILLY BOY, you there? How's the FIL?
Anyway, it's WILL time. D and I are in the process of putting one together. We have to decide what to do with all of "his" assests (not legally ours yet till we are married) in the event he and I and the kids die somewhere together. It's called the drop dead provision....really nice eh? Anyway, I am wondering if we should leave some money to Marie? D has a life insurance policy for the kids, so we can allocate her to receive that should we all die. It's not D's idea, but I thought maybe it is the right thing to do???? What do you think? This is a sensitive topic for me.. While I'm not all that crazy about it, it is her kids, and she should have something.... I probably would never consider this if I didn't care for her like I do!! But that's today! LOL!

Jennifer,
Not 100% sure on this but, almost. The kids cannot have that stuff in their name if you "drop dead" lol sorry could not resist. So she would be the custodian unless you appointed someone else. So there would be money for the kids. Personally, his responsiblity is to his kids and not his ex wife so I would think the kids should be the concern. Yahoo on the bike. Things worked out. When you stated his assets- what about yours?

I'm sorry...I think I confused you.....or you are confusing me :) The trust is in the kids' names. Marie is a trustee and our attorney is co-trustee. Our attorney asked D and I what we want to do with the trust (which is basically just a life insurance policy out on D for the benefit of the kids only) in the event that Me, him and the kids die in a plane crash or car accident etc..someplace all together. So if that happens, D and I decided to allocate Marie would receive the money. I just felt like it was the right thing to do.
My assets go to D if I die..and if he and I die together they go to my Mother and sister and some to his kids. My 401k is actually in the name of my skids right now. I don't have as much as he does!! He has 14 years of earnings ahead of me!
Anyone out there have to deal with will and trusts in a divorce situation. It's really tough stuff!
I AM SO HAPPY ABOUT THE BIKE!!!

Just to sumarize - you are setting up a trust to take care of the kids in the event that you both die. The question is, what to do if you all die at once, right? There is no life insurance policy on the kids, just on D?

OK - now is the time for people who don't want to talk about death or finances to quit reading this post. :)

If both you and D die, that triggers the movement of your assets into a trust in the name of the kids. Because they are minors, you have the ex and your attourney listed as trustees to control the distribution of funds to the kids. Fair enough. The point is to guarantee that the kids are financially taken care of. Any life insurance policies D has should be set up in a similar chain of progression.

Now, what should happen if everyone dies in one horrible accident? Really, who cares? You and everyone you love will be gone. You should just make sure that your assets will be used to take care of any expenses surrounding your death so that it isn't a burden to your parents or siblings. If there is money left over, I think it would be fair to pay out any alimony or similar payments that D has committed to (obviously not including child support.) If any is left over after that, I would donate it to charity or set up scholarship in the kids name. At least some good would come of the tragedy then.

Agreed. Basically what we did, was to give all assets to our families so they can take care of the expenses of our death and life etc and to have some left over for themselves. The life insurance policy for the kids is separate...the money for that would then just go to Marie. We had to allocate who the insurance money would go to if the kids were dead and Dave and I were. It just made sense to us to do it that way.
Anyway, I'll shutup with this now... It's so confusing! I really can't wait for it to be signed and done with! We leave for Orlando on Sat... 1 week in Florida as a family.. We can't wait!