I am only a mom of a 15 year old. At that age, they really are more involved with their friends than their parents. As long as grades are good, no drugs, cigareettes or alchohol, reasonable hours, etc., I think you have to accept it.

My DD has said she doesnt want me dating till she goes to college. At least she is honest.

As a rule, teenagers don't want their parents around -- in any flavor - Bio, Step, adult BF or GF.

What about simply telling her "Look - I know I'm not your Mom, so I'm not going to try to 'mother' you.
You're old enough not to need or want that, and I get that. But since we both love your dad,
and since we're both going to be here for a while, I'd like us to be able to get along. How can we do that?"

I like how my daughter's SM operates. We have arrangement when my daughter lives with them 3 months out of the year. Her SM is cordial and does what she suppose to do when my daughter is there, she however has hands off approach and does not interfer into anything. Not mothering and not bothering her at all. All the decisions in regards of our daughter were always made by my ex when she is there. I think I would have problem being so hands off, i am very maternal, but I think it works well. Mutually repsectful, nothing more nothing less.

I also had three skids at the time we wed: 12 and 14 SDs, 16 y.o. SS. The son was by far the easiest at first. He has now (he's 26, we've been married 10 yrs.) gone on a wayward and disappointing path.

My DH is a pleaser - well, at least as far as the kids are concerned. Whatever they wanted, they got. When we dated, I was NEVER around the skids - was also raising my 3 DNephews, so I was busy, but truly felt that the kids and their dad needed to heal and bond. I'm not sure it ever happened as they can be quite manipulative and use him/us, but that was my thought. The girls are OK - have moments when I think we're really connected, but then I have reminders that that may never be the case.

Often times, they'd bring a friend for EVERY single weekend w/ us - I called it the "buffer" friend. It gave them a comfortable zone, esp. if the siblings were busy.

DH and I tried to have ONE set night per weekend for 'just family.' But, it rarely worked out. W/ three skids, their friends couldn't always coordinate to be over all on a Fri. night while we did something special on Sat. nights, etc. But, I think it's a nice thought - treat the skids and the friends to one fun night out, but try to reserve one of the nights for family. It's just really tough w/ three, and H.S. activities, etc.

I don't think you should completely back off or buy another place, but give them room, be a friend and welcome their friends. Try to get maybe one meal/weekend together to catch up, stay involved, but not overly-involved.

Good luck,
Dana

Speaking as a stepdaughter, I don't think you should get a separate place. I think Sweeby gives some excellent advice, especially in regards to the upfront approach.

Also, I would add one line to what Sweeby advises: "I'm not going to try to be your mother, but I wouldn't mind being your friend. I'm going to do my level best to respect the relationship you have with your dad and encourage you to spend time alone with him or call him when you need to talk. I hope you give me the same respect. And let's agree that if any of us have a problem, we'll talk to each other so everything doesn't get blown out of proportion."

I'll tell you the same thing I say to all stepmothers -- treat your stepchildren as you'd like to be treated in the same situation. They should do the same.

Good luck.

Hi, there

How bad is this relationship with your SD? Does she give you the cold shoulder, or is it worse than that?

I started out trying to "do the right thing", and it was though my SD, my SS, and bio-mom were looking for boundaries, because they pushed and needled until I finally pushed back--and then, of course they pointed fingers at me.

Anyway, I would suggest that you do what you are comfortable with. If the actions of your SD make you tense and uncomfortable while they are there, then an alternative arrangement is probably the best idea, in my humble opinion. It's not realistic for you to leave the house EOW, but maybe your DH can stay in a hotel in their town, or take them somewhere for the weekend. Purchasing a house or condo is certainly an option, but there are other alternatives. Maybe you can take a trip or visit family one weekend per month, and they can take a trip or stay in a hotel in their town the during the other weekend visit.

The important advice that I would suggest is to let them come to you. The advice of trying to be a friend sounds great, but didn't work in my case, and gives another opportunity for rejection. Mutual respect, or more realistically a non-aggression pact / detente is a more
like scenario. That's where I am, and if there is no contact, there is no conflict.

Regarding how you would like to be treated in the same situation... there are rules and scripts in place from SD's birth family. Even if they were dysfunctional and you do not agree with the way they are being raised, they are what she is familiar with. She does not want to change. Just like you don't want to change your rules and routines with your husband.

I think that Dana and I married the same man...I swear it.
In my family, DH indulged his children shamelessly during the 10 years that he was divorced, and still does. My objection to rewarding bad behavior was met with anger and hostility...this was the rule, and I had no right to change it. True. That was the script. I have accepted it. At last for now. : )

Good luck. And while you are respecting SD's right to keep things her way, you have the same right. I think that until the relationship grows, your idea is not a bad one.
And I can guarantee that she is not thinking about how
she would feel in your shoes. xoxox