Hi Sue
I'm sure I could start by asking my kids this same question

I don't have kids but I suspect that asking them would be the kiss of death. Your house will never be visited if they think you want them there. Even your own kids will avoid it.

I'm sure you'll get some actual good advice from the group here and not just observations from my kid-free zone.

Jean

First of all, the preview of this message shows advertising links popping up on certain words. I have no idea why this is happening, but sorry about that.

We had a finished basement offering privacy, with TV and video game systems when my kids were teenagers, but they and their friends always ended up at the same one or two other houses. I asked my son about this, and he said it was because our house was "boring"--no pool table or whatever else the other houses had. My daughter said that my husband "scared" her friends :-)--he's a cop--the nicest one you could ever meet, mind you--but I guess the title is enough to make kids nervous.

I think it might have been because we were always home. I worked out of the house, and we didn't go out a lot when the kids were that age. But, who knows? I didn't really mind not being the place where everyone wanted to be.

Food.

You say you have a normal amount of food in the cabinets. That is not adequate. They want copious amounts of junk - chips, dip, pop, cookies, pizza rolls. Ethnic, unique or homemade treats are also a big draw.

I remember it being that way when I was a teen and I see it happening with my own kids.

Nicole

I'm not quite sure why our house was the hang out house, but may have been due to:
a) #2 & #3 sons' personalities. They're very social.

b) variety of activities (video games, music production/audio/video recording, driveway hockey, basketball, wiffle golf, board games, food, food, food);

c) our tolerance of a *lot* of mess and kids dropping in at all hours. Our kitchen was open to all & we even boarded up our garage door windows so the kids could play driveway hockey -- it looked very Jed Clampett-ish.

Plus DH & I made an effort to get to know the kids & made it clear we enjoyed their company -- this is contradictory to Jean's comment, but the kids seemed to appreciate our attention. We loved their goofy humor and enjoyed seeing them grow up.

I can only speak from my house being a hang out place growing up.

My parents (more Mom) were always friendly to my friends. I remember vising at their houses and most of their parents just weren't really all that nice. It wasn't really a place I wanted to be. I know you said that's not the case here. ... I can remember lots of times just sitting a the table and chatting. Those same friends still make a point to visit my parents on occasion and ask about them often. Don't get me wrong, Mom and Dad still kept that parent image/line drawn. Things weren't out of balance that way. Mom didn't want to wear clothes like me and try to be cool or anything if you get what I mean. I know people like that and I find it down right odd.

It might just be a girl/boy thing. Maybe even a personality thing. I have a sister.

We aren't into the teen years but I want to thank you for asking the question. We hope to be the "hang out house" so that we can spy on our son and his friends LOL

I learned this trick from a friend who also had a hang out house that her girls and their friends always ended up at. I asked Muff if it was a pain always having strange kids over. She told me she worried a lot less about her daughters when they weren't there because she had gotten a chance to get to know the kids she hung out with. I have never forgotten that.

I don't want my son to dislike me when he's a teen. Sure we still have to be parents and not try to be best friends, but we can make our house open to his friends with a duel purpose...partially to enjoy being a part of his life while growing up and partially to ease our mind by knowing the kids he's hanging with. At age 4 I do this by making the place kid friendly. We're having a potluck for the preschool in a few weeks (I was invisioning about 30 people but they say more like 100 ACK). We are getting one of those big sturdy play yards for the kids and will pad it appropriately to be playground safe. We're going to fence the yard so that kids will be contained somewhat. Our basement is "kid zone" with two full rooms dedicated to family living...one for toys and another for tv as well as spill over toys LOL oh and the hall for ummm more toys :) So lots of play zones which will come in hand when we have other kids to play. I would imagine that as he grows we'll just change these zones to reflect his new developments. Now it's Thomas, soon it will be race sets, star wars, etc :) We're actually looking forward to growing up with the kids (we hope to have another in a few months).

I know I used to hang out at Kelly's house when I was a teen. Not because her parents weren't around, but because they were around just enough. I felt comfortable in the house when her mom was there to say hello and chat for a second before heading to the downstairs area we hung out in (by the pool) and her dad was funny and friendly. They were pretty relaxed but we still knew we had to follow rules that respected them and their home. I think that fine balance between being "fun" and still being good parents...ok and the pool :) was part of why we all liked being there.

That and her mom made awesome grilled cheese and chilli :)

"Mom and Dad still kept that parent image/line drawn. Things weren't out of balance that way. Mom didn't want to wear clothes like me and try to be cool or anything if you get what I mean. I know people like that and I find it down right odd. "

Great point. Be friendly & approachable, but most of all be a parent.

Igloo, wow, you are a supermom to host that many preschoolers in your house! Yikes!

I'm finding the responses so interesting so far. And I literally LOL over nigel's response. I do wonder if lack of food might be the issue! I know the house that my 17 y.o. hangs out at has massive amounts of food because he comes home telling me about all the great things he had to eat there. I think I might need to find a hidden cabinet to stash junk food! I don't have a lot of it around because I am trying to lose weight and DS #1 is borderline overweight, but I could have an emergency stash.

I do think we have a good balance here of the friendly-parent thing. DH is very cool, will talk about music and movies with the kids (areas where I'm mostly clueless) and we both are approachable and certainly not intimidating in any way. I always assume the teenagers have zero interest in talking to us parents, but maybe I should show a little more interest... it's hard to figure out that balance between being nice and chatting "the right amount" vs. embarrassing your kids.

I actually don't mind the peace and quiet that comes with my kids being elsewhere!... but I also don't want them to feel as if they are not welcome here, or that they'd be here if only [fill in the blank].

Perhaps food as an activity too? :)

Cooking, barbecue, baking -- as well as "different" stuff to try out -- ethnic, flavours etc.

IF there are pre-teen or children's toys (in the general area) of the teenagers -- perhaps simply grab and toss them into big baskets when a "group" hangs out?

Of course at my advanced age (51 LOL!) I remember that I was SO impressed when a friend had her OWN telephone and TV. LOL! Just teasing! :)

Jan

Foood. Lots of food. DS1 is 13 and ever since he was little, I have always been the mom who could be counted on to have fresh baked cookies and homemade cocoa with mini marshmallows(when it's snowing) or cold lemonade(during the summer.) Bags and bags of chips, too.

Activity. Air Hockey table, check. Foosball table, check.
Electronic gaming systems, check. Lowkey roughhousing is allowed. There are no real breakables in the rec room. I've been known to head outside with the football on occasion, too.

And of course the somewhat new summertime reason for all the teenaged boys hanging out at our house is the giant inground pool. We've had the pool forever, but only recently has the draw of bikinied teenaged girls been a factor. The neighbor girls have always used our pool, but the girls jumping off the diving board were never so much of a draw as they were last summer. We felt the need to install giant floodlights in our backyard last year because of the frequent impromptuu evening pool parties that occured.

Sorry about the typos, I'm just trying to make the linkies go away.

Well, it's Friday night at the funcolor's residence and as usual my kids have friends over hanging out at our house. We either get pizzas or grill hamburgers and hot dogs on Friday nights. If there's a new movie out, we pile in the SUV and go. Often, one or two will end up staying all night here too.

I don't know why they always come here. Maybe because I'm here by 3:00 pm to corral them all home and other parents work - beats me.

But it's always been that way. Even when the play outside, the played in our yard, swim in our pool. I've often wondered if it wasn't because of my kids. They are homebodies. They would rather stay home than do or go anywhere.

RE: Food. The one kid in the group has a mom who is border-line crazy when it comes to food. All kinds of rules about processed this and that and OMG I don't even know what all she has issues with -- but it's out of control. So they don't like to go over there because there's only 'gross & weird' food to eat. When her kid is here, he eats non-stop. If I didn't make him eat some *food* he'd drink a case of pop and his weight's worth of candy. The first time he came over he handed me a note from her telling me what he wasn't allowed to eat. I read it and told him that's not how it works at my house. She called me later that week 'to follow up' and explain why I needed 'to do what she told me to do'. Then it got interesting. :D I told her I had no intentions of doing anything different or tellin' the kid he couldn't eat what everyone else was eating. I told her she was out of line and that I thought her point of view about food was fanatical and unbalanced and I wasn't participating in her disfunction. I never expected to see the kid again but he's not missed a Friday night since the conversation -- his parents call him on his cell when they're out front to pick him up and he just leaves. Fine w/me.

I think another kid's mom suffers from depression and simply doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with extra kids.

The other parents seem normal tho and I don't know why the kids NEVER go anywhere else. It does bother me sometimes. I know the other parents are going to dinner and *out* while their kids are here and then they swing by when they're ready to pick them up.

Reciprocity is rare. There is one mom who is conscious and makes an effort to return invites, or calls and offers to pick my kid up from school, whatever she can do, etc. It would be nice to be able to go out with DH for dinner or just grocery shopping while I know the kids are somewhere having fun with friends. But it never happens. If we go out on Friday night it's with the whole "crew" and we pick up the tab for everyone. I figure at least I know where my kids are and what they're doing -- and most importantly they are happy and having fun. That matters to me. Personally, I'd make an effort to return the invite kinda thing especially if someone took my kid to dinner and/or a movie but, hey, not everyone thinks the same way I do. If it was truly a problem for us, then we could do something about it by chosing to quit taking them to dinner and a movie or not having them over at all. Essentially it's up to me to change the arrangement, not anyone else.

This has been going on since we moved here, but it was the same in OH too. So, obviously I'm the one accountable for how it works with my kids and their friends -- I just honestly don't know how or why or what I do to make it this way.

Even tho I complain about it sometimes, it's apparently working the way I want it or else things would change.

RE: Specialty foods. DS1 is on a gluten-free diet. His friends and their parents are aware of the restricted diet and it is never really an issue. I send along gf cupcakes for birthday parties, but otherwise trust his ability to read a food label. He's been label-reading for a few years now. All baked goods that come out of my oven are gf and his friends gobble them up.

DS1's one friend did used to have food tendencies that drove me nuts. He only ate 4 things at meal times - ramen, mac&cheese, hot dogs(no roll,) and pizza. I was fairly accomodating most of the time, but let out a little "hurrah" when his idea of acceptable foods expanded.

I agree that not being a working parent might have factored into the kids spending so much time here. They just become accustomed to this being a house with an adult so that even when they're allowed more freedom this feels like a safe space to be.

The kids are always here. DS's friends (he is 13) sleep over all Summer long. DD is more selective about who she allows to come over, but does have a sleepover here at least once a week all school year.

Food is major. They love home baked cookies and ice cream cakes. They love that we remember what they like and keep that stuff stocked. They even seem to love that I make them eat a vegetable now and again.

We treat them like family...one of the visitors is really good with a vacuum.

I think the most important thing is we are really happy to have them here...and they feel it.

Beth P.

I agree about food. Can't have enough food. Our house is where my 17-year old son and his friends hang out every weekend. This can get to be expensive! This summer we let him take four of his friends to our beach house for a week. I don't know what we were thinking. My husband and I would go to the grocery store and fill up the cart. He had no idea how much five 17-year old boys would eat and I kept throwing more food in the cart, because I know, I feed them all the time. He said we might as well have taken a family vacation to the Caribbean with what we are spending on food! Plus, I felt like a full-time cook, but it was worth it. So, if it's boys at least, I think food is a big plus. I think what the others said about talking to them is true too. Talking just enough that they know you like them and are interested in them, but not too much. Like another poster said, the best thing is that you get to know their friends well. It's worth the money spent on food to get to know your children's friends.

Food, food and more food. Beth has made a great point about making the the kids feel like family. I know many of my kid's friends *are* family. They are out on their own or going to college now but when I call them, they always answer or call me back the second they are able. They are like my kids without the financial obligations.

We always included other kids in family fun. A week at the lake with extra kayaks and fishing poles... "Want to go snowboarding...?", "We're going swimming Tuesday. Want to come?", "Hey, we're going to the mall Saturday. If you need anything there, you are welcome to come."

I was Max's best friend's personal shopper. His mom would pay me back for anything I thought he needed. Since he hung out with us and went lots of places, I had standards for how he looked. LOL!

If you treat their friends like they are your own, they will come. Well after your children leave the nest, they will drop by when they are in town.

We even have a deal with the friends: if we ask for help, they must pitch in. I will on occasion ask them to push a vacuum cleaner, pick up & put away things, help sort laundry, run errands, or unload groceries from the car, and my husband has had them shoveling snow, moving rocks (many memorable stories about that!), or mowing. It's only fair as so many kids have camped out here over the years (we have two visiting as I type, and my kids are post-college now). Surprisingly, all have been happy to help out.

Junk Food!

Last night when DS #1 returned from his friend's house (the house where everyone likes to be) I realized another factor -- location. He mentioned that they all went to this pizza place for dinner, which is walking distance from the friend's house. He lives just a few blocks from our town center. So that may be one feature his house has that is attractive. Even though DS is 17, only about 1/2 of his friends drive.

Once again, it all comes back to food! ;)

A place for them in the house is a good point. We dedicated the formal living room and dining room as the game room. I put the dining room furniture in storage and instead that's where we put a foosball table and air hockey. In the adjoining LR is furniture and armoire with all the game systems. French doors go out to the veranda and pool. Family room and kitchen is on the opposite side of the house -- they are separate and have their own space yet I can still hear what's going on...

I just asked my teen aged boys, separately, the answer to this question. They both said that their friends choose the "hang out" houses because those friends are the youngest in the family, therefore no younger kids bugging them. Interesting, the OP said they have a younger daughter. The kids said that gaming equipment, a nice tv and lots of food is important too but that the main reason is the lack of younger siblings.

That is an interesting point. In our case, DS #1 (who spends the most time at others' houses) has TWO younger siblings! And no common friends -- he really is very different from his younger brother (3 years' difference in age) and DD is much younger (she just turned 9, and the boys are 14 and 17).

I agree with Jazzmine. My kids are 17(ds), 14(dd), 11(ds), and 9(ds). Despite our "awesome" basement, the older two kids and their friends usually opt to hang out where there are no younger siblings. The younger two kids and their friends always choose our house; in fact, their friends usually call and invite themselves over. I hope this continues when they are teenagers!

Holy freaking cow....I am trying to adopt like a mad fiend so I'll finally have some help with the housework and all I have to do is get my son some friends? :OP Sheesh why don't people put this stuff in a manual!

iggie,

Having a couple boys myself, I wasn't very lucky getting them to vacuum or dust. Unless they were trying to cover up a party they had without our permission. Even then, they would usually enlist the help of a few girls.

Maybe we should hold the vision of a daughter coming into your life. :+)

My house was the hang out house for one reason only, it was within walking distance from the school. They all come here after school, eat my food (they are not picky)and wait for parents to pick them up. They all became really comfortable here so they would come back for sleepovers, ect. we have an xbox but no great rec room for them to be in. But please don't kid yourself about keeping an eye on them in your house. The average teenager can stay up way later then the work-weary adult. My college age daughter is at the age where she loves to tell me the things they did after we fell asleep. OMG I don't want to hear it!

House rule - visitors have to leave before mom and dad go to bed! Though I suppose you can't control what girls do during sleepover or using phone after you're asleep. You can at least block Internet and cable channels.

We have three sons and three dtrs, ages 25 to 41; our house has always been the hang-out house from the first day of kindergarten through college (and even beyond) for all of them, but I have no idea why. For the older kids, we had only one TV, and it was a 12 inch black and white without cable! No computer, no foosball, no family room (only the living room) - just a piano and the bedrooms that the kids shared with each other. And food.

For the youngest two we really moved up! The girls each had their own bedroom AND a family room! Still no computer or color TV, though, until 1999.

All the kids' friends came from homes in which they had family rooms with big TVs, their own bedrooms with phones, TVs, computers, etc. in them. So, it isn't necessarily the bells and whistles that make the kids want to hang in a particular place. Besides just being ourselves and welcoming their friends, I have no idea why they came here. But I'm glad they did!

Sherry

Our house is THE hang out house for my very social son and his friends. On Friday night, my husband and I were having a quiet dinner in the kitchen when my 16 year old son boiled up from the basement--along with 7 of his pals! They ransacked the kitchen looking for a dessert. I offered them a semi-freddo (Italian frozen cream dessert) I had made for a dinner party but had not served. Their faces lighted up; they fell on it like vultures, and there was only a small morsel left!

Our house has always been the magnet for my son's friends. We remodeled the basement some 4 years ago--it is very cozy, and has a big-screen TV, gas fireplace, foosball, bathroom, and refrigerator and freezer (stocked with lots of Trader Joe's foods). It's private, we put in lots of soundproofing--so the noise doesn't bother us--the furniture is comfortable, and they play music, watch movies, and play video games, and have access to my cooking. Our older daughter is away at college, so there are no other siblings around.

I'm delighted that our house is the hang out, but I will admit that when schools here were closed for some 9 days (due to the snow) it became a bit much. It felt like I was living in a frat house.

I'm delighted that our house is the hang out, but I will admit that when schools here were closed for some 9 days (due to the snow)

((bowing)) I'm not worthy, kkay, I'm not worthy. Not sure I coulda hung in there for 9 days. The dessert story is hilarious -- I can just picture what it was like! :)

I have girls so it may be a little different. My 13 yo and her friends spend a fair amount of time at our house. We incorporate the kids into our life, fun activities and boring every day stuff. We don't make a big production about things. I'm going to Target. Who wants to come? We're going to dinner at 6, who is coming with us?

Sometimes it gets expensive, especially as the kids get older (and hungrier). Paying for seven adult meals at a restaraunt can get expensive! My husband is an athlete and eats like a horse so we always have tons of snacks around the house. I like to cook and have a well stacked pantry so that helps too.

My 16 yo and her friends (who almost all drive their own cars) don't seem to hang out anyone's house too much. They are always out - eating, bowling, school sporting events, volunteering, going the park, watching a friend's play, church actvities, etc.