The comment I made about grandchildren was in response to someone complaining about taking in granchidlren for a very limited time -- so parent could go on vacation. There is a major difference between granchildren on a short visit, which many grandparents enjoy and the grandchildren moving in.

I still think people should talk these thinks about before a second marriage. This is not an every little thing like I want whole wheat bread and you want white. I think reasonable people can have different views and it should be discussed. It is beneficial if CS agreements adress these, but when they dont, people should still talk it over before marriage.

If I had it to do over again, I would insist upon something like "father pays fifty percent of the EFC as determined by the College Profile Form." My lawyer suggested something vague like "according to ability to pay," which turned out to be useless. She said it would allow for a larger amount if his income went up.

Unfortunately, it really doesn't matter anyway because the courts can change anything they want to. The decree did say that we were to split expenses according to ability to pay, and the magistrate decided that my exH had the ability to pay exactly zero. I was only asking for $1000, which is a drop in the bucket compared to the cost of tuition, room and board at even the cheapest of colleges. I was informed by the magistrate that as the CP I was primarily responsible for providing financial support - the NCP only has not provide an amount that he can comfortably afford. I, of course, have to provide sufficient financial support to give them at a minimum a roof over their heads, sufficient food and clothing, school expenses, etc., etc. - and I would have to provide all that even if I were completely unable to work for some reason. According to this particular magistrate (as opposed to what state law actually says), only the CP has to make financial sacrifices to take care of the children.

I definitely think before a second marriage, the couple about to be married should talk about college for their bio kids.

As best I recall, the FAFSA looks at the income of the custodial parent and his/her spouse (the step parent), and then calculates a family expected contribution.

My own kids are college age and near college age, and it's interesting to hear our friends and acquaintances talk about their plans for paying for college. Some of them (who can well afford to help) believe on general principle that all kids should pay their own way completely. Others believe the parents should pay all expenses if they can, others only part.

So I don't think it's as simple as - if I can afford to help my own bio child with my own money I will. If the FAFSA took only the biological parents' income into account, I could see that approach. But it doesn't.

It's a potentially expensive and emotionally charged issue, so I think it's best if a biological parent and step parent-to-be discuss it beforehand.

What ever happened to people putting themselves through school? I know plenty of people in varying age groups who did just that. Of those folks, most earn well over six figures. It's great if mom and dad can pay, but it shouldn't be a given. Paying one's own way builds character and usually garners respect from others, in addition there's feeling of personal pride, accomplishment and a true appreciation of that education and what it took to get it.

This leads back to the thread that started this topic and the subject of adult children feeling entitled to everything.

College is far more expensive today than it was 20 or 30 years ago, in proportion to the median income. That is why it is so much harder for people to put themselves through college. How the heck are 18 year olds supposed to earn enough money even to afford a public college.

daisyinga,

You are absolutely correct about the FAFSA, and the PROFILE form, which is required by many private colleges, also takes into account the NCP's and his or her spouse's income and assets.

Well, the point I was trying to make is that the example that KKNY gave about discussing things like babysitting grandkids, etc. and in another thread, there is a poster that is in a relationship and not happy that her partner's child is now living with her because she discussed it in the beginning and her partner assured her that she would never get custody.

Some things can be ironed out during the divorce. Some of THOSE things can be modified as circumstances change. When you get together with someone that has kids, of course you should discuss things but it is also assumed that when your partner has kids, they are responsible for them. When you become a step parent, of course that can affect finances and THAT should be discussed prior to marriage. All aspects of finances should be discussed because it will affect both the parent and step parent.

The example given by KKNY: "The comment I made about grandchildren was in response to someone complaining about taking in granchidlren for a very limited time -- so parent could go on vacation. There is a major difference between granchildren on a short visit, which many grandparents enjoy and the grandchildren moving in."

To that, I say that it would depend on the individual request to babysit. I'm not a grandma yet but my kids are old enough to start becoming parents. I'm looking forward to being a grandma. However, that doesn't mean that I would be okay with my kids expecting me to babysit every time they want to take a vacation or have a night out. I might actually have a life and want the time I spend with my grandkids to be on MY schedule.

I certainly have concerns with my husband now because his 9 year old daughter is prematurely sexualized. I didn't really think that it was necessary when she was 7 years old to discuss with him if I might end up raising her baby if she were to become a teen mom. Now, that has become a real possibility that WE have to deal with.

However, I knew he had a daughter and I have a daughter and I know that with daughter's, that 'could' happen. I knew when I married someone with a child that you never know what will happen.

I think there is a difference between some babysitting and every time. But in any event, something to discuss. I think the more people talk, the better idea they get as to what the other party would do.

According to this site:

http://www.raisingyourgrandchildren.com/

4.5 million children are living in households headed by their grandparents. Although it is not something most people think about discussing when their children or stepchildren are little (I for one had no idea it was this large a number), apparently it is one more possibility that really should be discussed before remarriage.

TOS
According to this site:

4.5 million children are living in households headed by their grandparents. Although it is not something most people think about discussing when their children or stepchildren are little (I for one had no idea it was this large a number), apparently it is one more possibility that really should be discussed before remarriage.

This is a tragic number and it PROVES my theory that modern parents are going HORRIBLY wrong in raising their kids. Dumping your children on your paretns wasn't even an option for my parents nor should it of been.

TOS, I don't need a website to tell me that the majority of kids today are in non intact families. I was surprised back when I worked for social services, how many children lived with grandparents and other relatives. I was equally shocked at how many father's had custody and uninvolved mothers. I was a single mother and I figured that there were very few mother's that didn't have custody or see their children. While KKNY can yell from the rooftops that only 10% of fathers have custody, I think that's an outdated statistic. It may not be much higher, but that doesn't mean 90% of mothers have custody. Obviously, if 4.5 million (and I still think it's higher) children live with grandparents and I saw many cases of children living with other relatives that would not be included in those statistics (as well as non relatives raising someone's kids)... when you factor that in, the percentage of mother's raising their children drops.

KKNY, like I said, you can't discuss EVERY possible scenario before you get remarried. When there are children involved, you have to accept the unexpected. I guess the first rule is IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, DON'T MARRY SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T LIKE CHILDREN. Doodle married someone with small children and it's clear she loves kids. How can you anticipate whether you will want to babysit grandkids or how often (I think most people would want to babysit their grandkids) 15-20 years from now? Nobody can look into the future and tell what will happen years or decades from now. Like I said, i am looking forward to my grandkids. I can't say for sure if I will be available to babysit when my kids want me to. I think that when you get married, the best you can do is discuss how you feel about family and look at your partner's family ties... Id family as important to them as it is to you? etc. Some families are very close while some only get together at the holiday's or hardly ever. I think it's important to discuss family in general, it would also alleviate disagreements over in laws, etc.

And then since the divorce rate is over 50% (and rising), I suppose that prior to the first marriage, while talking about whether they will have kids and how many, they should start discussing who will get custody and what kind of parenting plan they might have in the future. They should discuss how a step parent will play into the equation. After all, it's more likely than not for today's children to experience their parent's divorce, live in a single parent household, and eventually, live in a blended family. Might as well discuss it before having kids.

I think you are right, the more you discuss, the better. And I'm always in favor of putting it in writing. People tend to change their minds and forget what they agreed to.