hindsight- would you be a stepmom again?
analytical1
16 years ago
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kkny
16 years agolast modified: 9 years agojune0000
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step-moms
Comments (30)After reading all of the above posts I just have to wonder...what must it be like for THESE CHILDREN to have to ask their stepparent if they can call them mom or dad? What is it like for THESE CHILDREN to be introduced as step or half or my husband's/wife's kid? I am quite certain of one thing-it is so dang hard to be a kid these days. It is so dang hard to try to fit in at school, in sports, let alone two different households. How must they feel? How alone or how confused? Why not just do what makes them comfortable? I personally have no experience with stepparents. My own parents have been married for 32 years. However, my mom has experience with every type of HORRIBLE stepparent that has ever lived. Her stepmother used to make HER daughters peanut butter and jelly and made my mom and her sisters freakish cheap lunchmeat sandwhiches. She burned all the baby pictures of my mom an her sisters and did absolutely unspeakable things I won't even mention. And do you know what she told me when I started dating a man with kids? She said, "I never wanted to be a stepmom because of my experiences as a kid. But I made a decision very early on that if I were ever to become a stepmom, I was going to be the best damn one that ever lived!" So here I am, and I'm going to be the best damn stepmom that ever lived. And if my stepkids are more comfortable being introduced as 'my kids' or if the day comes when they want to call me mom, or whatever have you, I'm going to do my best to make them feel good. BECAUSE IT'S NOT ABOUT ME!!! IT'S ABOUT THESE PRECIOUS CHILDREN!!! And I love them!...See MoreI don't think I can be a stepmom any more
Comments (8)This is a very tough situation to be in. It is very disturbing to hear of the sexual abuse and the dead puppy. If I were you I'd be very concerned this boy doesnt have alot of contact with your young daughter. Unfortunately many abused victims do in turn become "abusers". Seeing as though you have tried counseling and everything and nothing is getting better,I can understand how you feel about wanting him in foster care. Can I ask...did it come out in counseling that his mom sexually abused him? If so,then have charges been pressed against her? It sounds as though she has had alot of men around too,and any of them could have abused the boy also. Of course your husband may blame himself.He feels he should have protected the boy from this ever happening. Still,my number one priority at this point would be making sure this does not happen to your daughter. You never said how old the boy is? I also do not see how DFS can tell you that you cant spank your kid. As far as I know spanking is not illegal. I'm so sorry that being a stepmom has turned out this way for you. I think for our own biological kids to do things like this is bad enough,but when step kids do it we feel more powerless in the situation. Is there a grand parent,or a aunt or uncle the boy could stay with? One that maybe does not have children who wouldnt mind being a sort of MENTOR? Hopefully you will get some more great advice from others in the forum. I can mainly only offer my sympathy......See MoreHELP !! Adult Child with a Manipulative Controlling Stepmom
Comments (31)Briley, this post was written a while back but I hope you still read the comments. I can so relate to you. My dads wife came into the picture and acted nice as pie at first..then she slowly drove a wedge between my dad and I. Her jealousy of your relationship with him and concern for $$ after he dies I believe are her motivating factors -as are my dads wife's motivations and concerns. I truly feel that if they don't care about the adult children -they really don't care about their spouse. Caring for your spouse is being cordial and welcoming at the very least to your husbands children-no matter what age. My dads wife has wrapped such a web around him-he cannot even see what she's done to us and our father daughter bond. ): and the grandchildren. My advice to you is to make plans often (3x) week to see your dad outside the house without her-quick coffee, dinner, breakfast, a walk on his lunch break -keep your bond strong before he retires. Once retired, the talons get even stronger. I am so very sorry and I can relate more then you even know. It's really really important to not let her keep you from having one on one time with your dad. My dads wife would call and talk to my dad for 20 mins when I was out having a special lunch with him. She would tell me as they left my house"they were going home to have some fun". It makes me want to throw up. She would exhibit naked statues around the house when we came to visit with young children saying it was art. She's highly jealous and suspicious if I am talking alone with my dad like I am the other woman. Some people are really mental. I wish every day that my dad had never married her and ruined our family....See MorePLEASE Need Stepmom advise for lying stepson!!
Comments (12)Me again. I'm sure this will be long. So, if anyone's up to reading and posting, I appreciate your input. Telling me if we're being stupid and there's a better way is appreciated. I think I was just tired last night and not posting this really well. But, I couldn't sleep cause I'm so upset about SS "calling Dad's bluff" about lying having consequences. We're not wanting to divide the kids against each other. This latest lying problem was several emails between Dad and SS teachers this week about school projects and normal homework. DH was being specific when on videoconference with SS 3 times this week asking if things were done or what was left to do, etc. SS kept insisting all parts of work were done AND work was turned in on time. Teacher was emailing DH meanwhile saying "NO the project was NOT turned in til 5 days later, and SS was giving her and DH doubletalk. And, she said the other social studies stuff was incomplete because according to SS he didn't have crayons, etc supplies. DH sent him stuff for school (crayons, etc.) and regardless, if he "ran out" of something he should have to DH "I can't, don't have crayons, calculator, etc." NOT "yeah, Dad everything's totally complete and ready to turn in Friday." As far a punishing the kids, here's why we're so upset. DH wants the consequence for lying to SS to be that we're not going to go out and do the extra stuff "besides xmas eve and day stuff" (ex. going to the movies once or twice this week, hanging out at the 4h center for the christmas lights, going out with friends and cousins to skate or chuck e. cheese type stuff, kids museum in town etc. (cause they're all off public school this week.) I agree because it's similar to what we give all the kids. But, this time it's going to be the worst timing we've had and it's the worst one I think for SS and the other kids cause it's basically all Christmas week and they're all looking forward to stuff. In the past, we've really kept cancelling stuff to an absolute minimum and some of our kids were so little that with naps and stuff we just generally didn't go out a lot of "all day" fun. Most activities were a couple hours here or there. Our youngest now is almost three and SS is the oldest 12, so more recently we've been able to do A LOT more stuff. EX. this summer we got a poolpass for the park and could go because enough of the kids could swim without help for me to handle alone when DH was at work. The money thing comes into play because we don't always have enough to go do stuff both when SS is here and not here. The kids all love doing stuff together. For example when they all want to see a movie together, our kids will wait to see it until he's here. He usually sees the movies already with BM, but it's fun to wait and see how much a kick they all get out of doing something together. So this past Thanksgiving when he was here, we all had a blast, because we had so much stuff they all wanted to do together and we'd saved the money for it. We did 2-3 special things together everyday. (ate at favorite restaurants, santa pictures, saw movies they all picked, went to circus, etc.). Right before he left, we got a big packet in the mail from his teachers. It was filled with copies of a bunch of failed tests and examples of incomplete school/homework that was contradicting SS saying he'd only failed one test and had kept up with all his assignments, etc. His Dad sat him down and had a big talk about honesty and asking if he needed more school supplies (said no, but we sent extras home anyway). And, we both had him explain to us "how" he was studying for all subjects, so we could make suggestions about other ways to study math, spelling, etc, that he could try to see if they helped him learn more. Then, he went home. For the last month, DH has made a point (more than before) of asking him about test scores, assgnments teacher tells us are coming up due, etc, to see where SS at with school. Last night, we got the last email, and the teacher was flaming mad at SS for the lack of effort and the double-talk lying he's now been caught in --again. She says it's all absolutely unacceptable and he's the only kid doing this and it's happening almost constantly in class and for homework. She says he not rude, he just doesn't care or try. So, DH says for now we're stuck because we can't force stuff like "from now on everyday after school do your homework right away, and show Dad all the papers each night and the tests you bring home, etc" because he doesn't live with us and we're in another state. Even his teachers are so fed up with him that they've said since they have so many students and SS won't try or be honest, they'll just "do what they can" to tell us assignments and test scores. (It means we been getting spotty info but not everyday updates and they're to busy to offer more.) So, DH says that at least he's going to show SS there's a consequence for lying to him. And, that's what not doing extra stuff this week is supposed to be about. The reason it's going to affect ALL the kids is because, I'm not going to leave SS alone at home to take the other kids out. They're going to have to miss some stuff (playdates) and do other stuff later (movies after SS goes), etc. And, I told DH that I can't just have SS sit in his room "grounded" all week. DH said fine, but we should take away TV and stuff, and that will affect all of us. And, the teacher told us SS needs to learn some specific math stuff and catch up on reading, so DH said to just keep homeschooling all of them so it's quiet. Can't send the others outside for hours a day in this weather, and our immediate family is two hours away, so the visits are all day events, I can't just drop off the others and go home with SS. So, the kids are not getting this week off school. DH said maybe we'll take next week off for them. Normally, our other kids don't feel slighted when one of them is busted and we lose TV or something for a few days. But, they're getting older now, and this is a special holiday week. And, in the past we've talked with them a lot to not "take it out on each other" if they get mad that family plans have changed because of a consequence. But, this time the older ones are more upset than before. DH and I said sorry, but we didn't know what else to do. And, our older kids said they'd feel more slighted if they saw we just did nothing about the lying than if they had to miss/delay stuff due to SS punishment, because they know they'd totally be busted if it were them. DH and I are so stressed about the mess SS is in at school, that we just didn't put a lot of effort into "smoothing things over between the kids". We figured that they're getting older now, so maybe we should be letting them tell SS his actions aren't fair for how they affect everyone else. Our kids already do that to each other. (Ex. if the kids make a huge mess right before we're going out to the drive-in, I've been known to cancel it, because the movies started before they were done helping clean it up. We let our kids tell each other they're disappointed with the kid that skipped picking up and made a bigger mess instead.) But, this is really the first time something big has happened with SS consequence affecting plans like this. Maybe seeing how lying doesn't accomplish fixing school problems because it messes up more than his relationship with his Dad will get through to him? I don't know. I was an only child so sometimes what's best with the sibling stuff is a mystery to me. But, DH and I are good about really working together for parenting. And, I do really feel lost about what are the long term consequences. Maybe this is a really bad idea, or maybe I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill. But, we really do want the kids to all grow up loving each other and not even feeling like half-siblings. I wrote on here last night, because DH and I are questioning where the line is in watching SS lie repeatedly about the self-destructive thing he has going on with his schoolwork especially now that he's about to go on to middle school. We want to do the best thing to help him succeed, and to keep the family happy, and to be a good-fair example for the younger kids (no double standard stuff if we can help it). But, that's a fine line for us always, because he has BM and his dad at different households, and they have very different parenting styles. They're two totally different people. And, I truly feel lost at this point. We've done a good job so far I think. They're ALL good kids, but we want to do our best to help them learn so they become good, happy adults. But, being the step-mom and an only child and knowing SS actions are now leading to more serious consequences for himself at school and that it's all rapidly erasing the trust he has from us, is why I posted to you all. I've got to go pick SS up now. I hope this makes sense to some of you, so you can tell me what you think. I didn't sleep at all last night because I was so wound up trying to think of what else we could do and hoping that SS and DH can actually have a really good talk and accomplish something this week and not just argue or have a big talk like the one at Thanksgiving produce ZERO better results. I'll check back here later. And, thanks you guys, even for the stuff you were critical of me for. I appreciate you being honest with me, cause I'd rather have another adult parent tell me there ideas or what they see, so I can see other perspectives than what's rattling around in my head. I'd rather do the best things for all the kids---even when I'm not clever enough to think fast and have all the answers about what will really help them all with family problems. Merry Christmas. PS. You guys are totally right that the money thing is an issue for us. But, it's because it really does affect for my SS his expectaions in life and his perspective on things. And, it's affected our ability for ten years to stop useless painful lawsuits involving him. It is what it is. We don't try and hold it again him. That's dumb. There's nothing wrong with them having more money than us, EXCEPT for the ways that we've seen it affect how he treats people. It's affected his friendships, etc. when other kids feel he's spoiled and he's needed help to learn how to get along with friends at different points in growing up when other kids have felt intimidated by not having "cool stuff" or declining to go places with him because their parents couldn't afford to participate. He's learned a lot from us not having a lot, because I can see how he's grown more sensitive to other kids and learned that he doesn't need to "go someplace" to impress or have friends. I think DH deseres a lot of credit for helping SS see that other kids will love hanging with him doing cheap free stuff, because SS is a blast to be with WITHOUT needing Disneylands, or the latest videogame machines and stuff. I truly think that's stuff he learned from us NOT his BM....See Morelaurels4u
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