In most states, he will be ordered to pay child support but if you do take it to court and support is ordered, I might ask the court to order the mom to deliver the child to dad since dad is working. If she isn't working and has the most free time, she could do the transport. It's worth paying her gas money. OP is not a parent to this child and is not obligated to transport, doing so is a favor to dad but since mom wants the child to attend school in her district, dad might argue that she should transport. (I was transporting my stepdaughter 45 minutes each way, every day during our weeks)

OP, your situation sounds almost identical to mine when my husband and I first met. Right now, I'm dealing with my SD being angry at me because her dad took her mom to court to pay child support and her mom told her that she lost her job because her dad filed for support and then she told her that she has no money and the only reason her dad filed for support is because I made him. It's easier for the kids to blame the step parent, more so when the other parent is outright blaming the step parent for things.

I wrote a blog on myspace and you can go read it. It's very similar to your situation and if you want to talk without the insults, rude comments or attacks, you can join my private group. There's a link to join on the myspace page.

Here is a link that might be useful: Link to my blog

The OP starts off by saying what a delightful child she has, and then follows up by saying what a miserable child her fiancee's child is. Even if everything she says is true, how do you think the boy feels? He undoubtedly can tell that the girl is the favored child.

She then provides enough information about him that it wouldn't be difficult at all for someone to find out who he is IRL. Doing so can't possibly help her BF's chances of obtaining custody.

It seems to me that her attorney should advise her against seeking legal advice on a message board.

My stepdaughter is a delightful child when she wants to be. She is the most difficult child when she comes back from her mom but I know she CAN be a delightful kid. She is being influenced by her mother and it's sad that a mother would do that because the end result is that it makes her day to day life at home unhappy because she isn't pleasant around me and that causes tension between us. If her mom cared so much about her, I would think she would encourage her daughter to feel free to have a good relationship with me, instead of making her feel guilty. The more I try to have a good relationship with her daughter, the more she gets upset and angry about my involvement. While I can't say I don't understand how she feels, she's putting her own feelings before what's best for her child. That's a shame.

And it's shameful how you can say "He undoubtedly can tell that the girl is the favored child." You get nowhere with your last blast so you move onto a new plan of attack. Pathetic.

Thanks to those who got the post back on topic. I appreciate everyone's insights and suggestions.

We did consider offering gas money to my fiance's ex for her to transport him to our home on our days. I guess it all boils down to what the attorney thinks on Monday. I know my fiance is inclined to go to trial to fight this, but since he has always had a 50-50 split, he is afraid of getting anything less. Understandably. I'm not sure how high the odds are of that happening.

As far as me starting out about my daughter..I was trying to make a point that I am a good mother, that my child is well-adjusted and flourishing. Granted, she doesn't have to switch homes all the time, and I think that's part of it--but I do think a lot of my stepson's issues are due to poor parenting on his bio mom's part.

I will be honest--I don't *love* him like I do my own child. I care about him and respect him and cherish him as my fiance's son...but the love I have for my daughter is not what I feel for my STBSS. I don't know if that's bad or good, it just is what it is. I'm human. I am sure that IS conveyed to him that my daughter is my daughter...he knows he is not my son. But I certainly treat him equally and fairly 100% of the time. My FEELINGS might be different, but I make certain to do everything to treat him as I would my own child.

I never said he was a miserable child, nor did I say any of the "issues" are his fault! He truly does have behavioral problems--as I said, he was asked not to come back to the school he attended for K due to behavioral/disruptive issues. But once again--we feel these are largely due to poor parenting at his mother's house and could be counter-acted if he resided with US more of the time.

I don't know.

This stuff is really, really hard.

"If her mom cared so much about her, I would think she would encourage her daughter to feel free to have a good relationship with me, instead of making her feel guilty. The more I try to have a good relationship with her daughter, the more she gets upset and angry about my involvement. While I can't say I don't understand how she feels, she's putting her own feelings before what's best for her child. That's a shame."

Bingo! That all really hits home!

It's nice to know there are others who have BTDT.

"Granted, she doesn't have to switch homes all the time, and I think that's part of it"

It could well account for ALL of it. I think it must be terrible for a child to have to bounce back and forth between two homes, especially when he sees another child his own age get to stay in one home all the time. From his perspective, the girl must seem very lucky (though at some point she will probably have some abandonment issues and question why her father did not want to be part of her life, I doubt if the boy would realize that at his age). He could also have behavioral issues because he has different genetics, and because boys generally mature more slowly.

ima,

When my kids used to visit their father, they were irritable when they first came back. I don't think it was their father or even the OW's fault - it is just difficult to readjust.

>>>I think it must be terrible for a child to have to bounce back and forth between two homesI'm sure it's even more terrible to have a drunk for a mother, who is a spiteful, nasty woman filling this little boys head with crap and encouraging her son to be nasty to his STBSM and STBSS. I wonder how these kids survive when all they hear from Mom is how awful Dad and/or stepmom are. No wonder he has behavior issues....

I don't think the switching homes accounts for all of it at all. I know plenty of happy, well-adjusted children whose parents have a shared custody arrangement. I do think it is a small part of my stepson's issues but I definitely think his mother's attitude is 95% responsible.

I also wanted to add that our guardian ad litem is VERY in favor of a 50-50 custody split. When they had this last meeting, the GAL asked bio-mom what she felt was a fair arrangement and she proposed that my fiance have his son every other weekend and one night during the week. The GAL said that as long as my fiance wants 50%, that is what he thinks is best; and he told the mom that she should be careful what she asks for because she might end up getting it herself.

I think part of this particular GAL's tactic is to scare people into settling rather than going to trial. Because then he proceeded to tell my fiance that he can take the school district issue to trial if he chooses, but he will most likely not win that battle.

I don't personally know anyone with a 50/50 custody split or anything close to that who live farther than a few miles apart. You and your daughter are not the only ones that have to ride an hour - no matter which school district the boy is in, he would have to ride and hour both to and from school half the time. How will the child ever participate in soccer or other sports or activities? I don't see how not having a primary residence can possibly work at that distance.

If you lived close by, I would think it would work pretty well for the child to be at one home W,Th,F,S,S,M,T, then the other the following W,Th,F,S,S,M,T. How is that different from a week by week schedule?

Those are very valid concerns--my fiance brought that up with the GAL, about sports/extra-curriculars, etc. The GAL didn't seem to think it was an issue.

The bottom line is--we live about 20-25 miles from his mother and the GAL is still in favor of a 50-50 split. He is not wanting EITHER parent to have primary custody.

We could settle this today and have 50-50 custody...but B would attend year-round school in his mother's district.

The kid is a miserable child because he has a miserable mother poisoning him. The girls went through a cruddy faze when ever their mother was seeing them more. Everytime they came home they were like different kids and it would take us three days to normalize them again.

It sounds like she's a drunk. I'd tell the courts this. Not only will it help you in the custody cas ebut what judge in their right mind would expect a man to give na addict money? Where do you think the majority of the money will go? On booze of course.

Your husband is going to have to take the gloves off with this woman. she's ruining her child and the your marriage. Jonathan had to slam it to the girls mom but our lives have s been LOADS and I do mean loads easier since he did. We had to get nasty but that's the way she wanted it.

exactly, precisely, to a tee what doodleboo said:

"it would take us three days to normalize them again"

been there, done that, & this is what I learned:

As hard as it was on me, it was about 4 times harder on the little guys, especially the older, gifted, ADHD one.

(The smarter you are, the better you learn stuff;
if you're very bright indeed, & you're being taught carp, you'll learn it brilliantly.
& if you're hyper, multiply every stimulus by about 4.)

If I had it to do again today, I wouldn't mess around, I'd get serious very very fast.

"I think part of this particular GAL's tactic is to scare people into settling rather than going to trial."

I don't think it's a 'scare' tactic. I see this in the court more and more (in CA) and the courts seem to favor 50/50 and they favor the parents coming to agreements & working together in raising their kids. The court does not want to take control of raising YOUR kids. That is the parent's responsibility, not the court's and I think the court is viewing parents that bicker over trivial things as bad parents and I've seen Judges admonish them for it.

My husband had 50/50 Thursday to Wednesday (they did the trade from school so one dropped her off, the other picked her up on Thursdays) and she went to school in her mother's district which was 28 miles from us but a 45 minute drive through major city traffic. My husband worked 5 minutes from her school but he got off work at 5:30 and school was out at 2:45. It worked out fine before he met me because she went to daycare and when the daycare closed, he paid BM to babysit her daughter until he got off work. SD was in taekwondo with her mom and we accommodated her by bringing SD to practice twice a week. Of course, BM went ballistic when we signed up SD for an activity near our house, even though we did not expect her to bring her on her weeks. BM threw a fit over it in court and the Judge told her how unreasonable she is being. The court kept the 50/50 arrangement, ordered DH to pay BM child support (because she has NEVER worked, and she's 35 years old), and they split the transport evenly, whoever is getting SD has to pick her up.

I would suggest that when you get the GAL's recommendation and if it says 50/50 and if you do decide to go to court, let the court know that you agree to 50/50 because you likely won't get physical custody. It won't matter how much money you make, how much education you have, how nice your house is, because my husband's ex was living in her mom's 2 bedroom rental (small) house in a high crime area of the city, sharing a bedroom with SD and her other daughter, having BF's spend the night and stay in the room with her and the Judge still didn't think SD would be better off with us, in her own room on a 6 acre ranch in the country. If you go to court, I'd make the court aware that you/he would like to agree to everything but only want what if reasonable (and if mom is not being reasonable, point out what dad is being flexible on and how mom is being unreasonable) You can push for him to attend school near you, but don't count on getting it, especially if the court views it as a thinly veiled attempt to do less driving or make mom drive more. If he was seeing a counselor for his behavioral problems that is near you, that might be a better reason to put him in school near his counselor. Whatever you do, it has to be about the child, not about the parents. The court does not care about how much better dad is than mom (or vice versa), they only care if mom (or dad) is not fit to care for their son. (and the court's opinion on what a fit parent is, may be much different than the average person) I always suggest to sit in on similar cases. Trials are usually open to the public and you can sit in on the Judge's courtroom prior to him hearing your case. You can get an idea of what the Judge thinks is important and which way he'll go on certain issues. I'd suggest doing that weeks before a trial. (or even before scheduling a trial) If he favors 50/50 and puts more financial burden on the father, then you will have an insight on how your case might turn out.

My guess is FDH is afraid he will get hit up for more CS. No matter how small his car dealership, he owns a dealership and she is on welfar. OP can vent all she wants, but my guess is FDH is worried about CS.

Who moved so that Dad doesnt live close to mom?

I would say that most of your SS's issues are due to his custody arrangement. Your fiance should not have agreed to 50/50 split in the first place. Once set, custody is difficult to change.

But, even if he had the perfect mom, perfect living situation, your SS still might be a bit of a "bad" boy. Boys will be boys and I don't think mothers of good girls quite understand that.

doodle said...

"It sounds like she's a drunk. I'd tell the courts this. Not only will it help you in the custody cas ebut what judge in their right mind would expect a man to give na addict money? Where do you think the majority of the money will go? On booze of course"

And Ima said...

"I would suggest that when you get the GAL's recommendation and if it says 50/50 and if you do decide to go to court, let the court know that you agree to 50/50 because you likely won't get physical custody. It won't matter how much money you make, how much education you have, how nice your house is, "

There doesnt seem to be any evidence other than one dwi ( when did it happen) to back the assumption she is a drunk. SHe may well be and probably is, but its not documented. Judges rely on the GAL opinion, because they dont have time to play he said, she said, or delve into character assassinations in a courtroom setting.

Never allege something about the other parent that you cant back up with SOLID evidence. You will prejudice your case if you accuse the other parent of character flaws, in the absence of firm proof.

Ima is correct. What the GAL recommends is most likely what will be ordered , and it would be in your favour to agree to it willingly, if that is what is recommended. Judges arent interested in putting themselvs into a fight between parents, and a lot of the time, they favour the parent that DOESNT want to start a fight.

Answers to some questions.

My fiance is really not concerned about paying child support. Bio-mom racked up a $7500 bill with the state collecting welfare for 5 years and at the hearing in July, my fiance was ordered to pay $500.00/month to the state for back child support. None of that goes to bio-mom. Our attorney is *fairly* confident that amount will not go up. Once the state is paid back for the money she received, then she might start getting that $500. But that is a long way off. My fiance would gladly pay a bit more money to her, for gas or travel expenses, if it meant his son going to school in our district.

We also would not oppose a week by week schedule. Primary would be BEST, but we know that's a long shot.

Secondly, in answer to the question who moved--my fiance and BM were living together when their son was born. When he was 1 year old, they split up, and BM moved 15 miles away to the same town her parents, sister, etc. live in. My fiance remained in his house until we eventually bought the house we live in now, which is about 5 miles away--granted, 5 miles farther from BM.

Imamommy, those are good ideas! I do know our attorney was *happy* with the judge assigned to our case. hopefully, that's a good sign.

My fiance also has a great argument in that he is always the more reasonable, flexible parent. Any time BM needs to switch days, whatever, he is consistently willing to do so, no questions asked. BM refuses every little request from us. She has denied their son vacations with us, refused to take him to a 2 week day camp we signed him up for, refused to switch nights when my daughter had surgery and required overnight hospitalization, etc. She is always as unreasonable as can be.

Lastly, her DWI was in mid 2007. Her traffic-related alcohol offense was before that, maybe late 2006.

Anyone's thoughts on hiring a PI? We know BM drinks almost every night she doesn't have her son--we know she drives drunk--if she got a second DWI, would that work in our favor? How much weight do courts put on the findings of PIs?

"Bio-mom racked up a $7500 bill with the state collecting welfare for 5 years and at the hearing in July, my fiance was ordered to pay $500.00/month to the state for back child support."

so the AG's office has determined that the mother was on welfare because...
her child's father didn't pay what he should have.

Maybe she's entitled to her anger & bitterness-
she keeps her son half the time, son's father keeps him half the time, child's father makes good money but doesn't pay CS, her whole life has fallen apart & she's on welfare...
& her son's father's girlfriend wants to take her child, even if it involves having a private investigator follow her around.

How far would that go?
Would you also consider hiring someone to meet her at the bar & buy her drink after drink after drink?
& what person in his/her right mind would allow someone to scream & pound on the door in the middle of the night & *not* call the cops?

Maybe there's something he doesn't want dragged into the open, or maybe he's afraid that if he calls the cops, *she'll* play hardball & file for child support, money that he has earmarked to support your & his new life together.

The fact that he & you would like for you to stay at home with both children doesn't mean that you're more entitled to his support than she is;
she's the one with whom he already has a child.

Be very careful before you marry this guy.

"Anyone's thoughts on hiring a PI? We know BM drinks almost every night she doesn't have her son--"

She could be drunk off her ass or running a whore house every night of the week that her son is not there and the court may not care one bit. What she does when she doesn't have her son is not the court's concern, UNLESS it has a direct impact on her son when he returns. My SD's mom would go out drinking & partying when she had her child with her, but she lived with her mom and she left her mom to babysit her kids so it was seen as 'the responsible' thing to do. If you try to assassinate her character and it really has nothing to do with her ability to love and nurture her child, then it will backfire. If you can show she drives drunk with the child in the car or that she gets drunk at night when the child is there with her and she would be unable to rescue the child from a house fire because she's too intoxicated, then the court may care about her drinking. It's a hard thing to prove and the courts assume, like everyone should, that the parents love their children equally and will do whatever they have to for their children, until it's proven untrue.

Her refusals to cooperate with changing days may or may not mean anything to the court. If he can show that she's always giving him the child for her convenience but never makes up the time, then it shows she may not be as devoted to spending time with the child. If she takes the child for his convenience and then refuses to let him take the child on her time, the court may view that as a good mother that is willing to take her child more but not willing to give up time with him and that shows she's devoted to her child.

and I wanted to mention before about the child support, that if she is on welfare, she won't see the child support and they will come after it to reimburse welfare. Then you said they already did. She may claim that THAT is the reason he wants custody now.

Sylviatexas,

I don't think it's fair to place the blame on her life "falling apart" on my fiance. He has paid EVERYTHING right from the start...$175/week for daycare from age 1-kindergarten. kindergarten tuition was 11K at the Catholic school he attended last year. My fiance pays his son's health insurance policy, all co-pays, all doctor visits, meds, soccer, swim lessons, school uniform, you name it...EVERYTHING.

BM has not held down a job for more than a month at a time since I've known her. She hasn't had any sort of job in the last two years at ALL. I do know she lied and scammed the system by claiming she lived at home with her parents, and not saying she has lived with two different boyfriends. She got fired from two different short-lived jobs because she was hungover and would call in sick.

We have emails from her to us stating that she regrets drinking while pregnant, and was so frightened something would be wrong with her baby (who is now 8 months old.)

Her own cousin is on board with our case and has offered to write a letter/testify that BM is mentally unstable and has a drinking problem.

I really take issue with people feeling she is *entitled* to any more support from my fiance or myself. I will stay home with the kids no matter what the courts say in regards to more child support/custody, etc. I do realize we are fortunate to be able to afford for me to do that. BUT I certainly don't think my fiance should have to pay any more money to someone who doesn't contribute AT ALL to her own son's care.

My fiance has GIVEN her two cars over the last 5 years...no strings attached. I think he's pretty darn good at taking care of his responsibilities all around.

As for him not calling the police when she would show up...it p*ssed me off royally and I used to get on him about it. He was always just so afraid that she would take his son from him. According to our attorney, many men kind of bury their heads in the sand about things and try to hope for the best and avoid confrontation--he said it's a form of enabling and he sees it all the time, dads making excuses for their exes and hoping things will just somehow get better over time. Why do you think it took 6 years for them to even start any court proceedings?

I think what ima is trying to say is that changes in custody, when there hasnt been a proper determination of child support and/or arrears are involved, are viewed as suspect by the court.

The judge has a few hours to determine what is real and what is exaggeration and relies heavily on the GAL for that. You can hire a PI, but you risk pissing the judge off, if all that PI is going to be able to say is that mom goes out drinking when she doesnt have the kids. What the PI would need to find is that the mom endangers the child, and if the GAL has already decided that isnt so, you have a tough road ahead.

The fact that the GAL wants the child to go to school in the moms district is a tip off on how they see the situation. The child himself is also resistant to leaving his mom, although that has limited impact at his age. Your only hope for full custody is to catch the mom doing something harmfu7l when the child is with her, but that isnt all that easy to do. Sylvia was tring to show you how the BM and her attorney can turn around the claims your husband is making, to show her in a better light and your husband in a poor light. IN reality, the judge has very little time to decide this sort of thing and without absolute proof, isnt likely to consider it.

You can, however, agree to a 50/50 split as you currently have, and point out that week by week would work much better than split week. Any reasonable judge will consider that one. I get the feeling that you are angry and ready to flip out about this entire thing if your husband doesnt get full custody?

"He has paid EVERYTHING right from the start...$175/week for daycare from age 1-kindergarten. kindergarten tuition was 11K at the Catholic school he attended last year. My fiance pays his son's health insurance policy, all co-pays, all doctor visits, meds, soccer, swim lessons, school uniform, you name it...EVERYTHING."

That is by no means EVERYTHING, or even the most significant expenses. In most states, even when there is 50/50, if one parent earns significantly more than the other, child support is awarded. Very little that you mentioned is of much significance or considered basic expenses. I assume the child only went to daycare when he was at your house, since his mom is a SAHM. What is important is the cost of raising a child - the roof over his head, his food, his clothing.

His father has health insurance for himself, anyway, right? (Although I am wondering where the health insurance for you and your daughter comes from, since you aren't working and you are not married). It is not that much more to get a family plan, and if he marries you then he would have to have a family plan anyway. If his father weren't in the picture, the mother would be eligible for free health insurance through Medicaid; at least she would in my state.

My impression is that judges do not look too favorably on situations where the state is shelling out welfare dollars to a mother because the father hasn't been providing support. The mother did not "rack up a $7500 bill," - the one who owes the money to the state is your fiance.

"I assume the child only went to daycare when he was at your house, since his mom is a SAHM."

NO, he went to daycare 5 days a week full-time from age 1 until he started kindergarten...even though his mom was NEVER working. Does that give you a small idea of what kind of mother she is?

I think you are also misunderstanding--I WORKED full-time until this past May! I am technically still on summer break and will not stop getting paid until August, as I am not going back. I have health coverage through my job but also have a private policy as well that covered both me and my daughter while I was in school. (not sure WHAT that has to do with anything though and why you keep bringing it up...)

The unfortunate part of this situation is that my fiance trusted his ex and did everything he could to help her...and he got screwed for it. We have copies of all the DFS papers and she LIED on all of them and said she didn't know who the father was--that her son lived with her full-time. My fiance had NO IDEA she was getting "temporary assistance" until about 8 months ago.

My fiance spent over $7000 on daycare A YEAR since his son was 1 year old, health insurance, bought clothes, paid for all extras, all medical expenses...PLUS he has always HAD him half the time. I don't see HOW he should have been paying his ex child support in addition to all that. SHE is the one that scammed the state by lying...but, according to our attorney, the state does not unfortunately care about that. If they can find someone to pay back the money--that's all they care about. The system itself is flawed and my fiance is paying the price for being too trusting of his ex and too faithful that she would honor their agreements.

I don't understand TOS why you are not surprised that BM doesn't have a job.

Anyway--out of the $500 that my fiance has to pay, NONE of that goes to BM, it ALL goes to the state. So obviously the courts do NOT feel she is entitled to any child support--they just want the state paid back.

And to the other poster...yes...I am angry. I had this naive idea, as did my fiance, that justice would prevail. We try to do everything the "right" way: we never badmouth BM, always try to be supportive of her to her son, we don't drink, we go to church, do fun family activities, etc. We have a wholesome family environment. And BM does pretty much everything the wrong way...and it so far doesn't seem to matter.

I am just really feeling slapped in the face by reality. We both had the idea that things would eventually calm down. When she became pregnant with her second child, we had high hopes that if she had more of a family of her own, she would be less jealous, and perhaps easier to deal with. Didn't happen. Since the birth of her baby, her drinking has gotten worse, their finances have gone down the tubes, and she has just gotten worse all around.

"I think what ima is trying to say is that changes in custody, when there hasnt been a proper determination of child support and/or arrears are involved, are viewed as suspect by the court."

What I am saying is that it will look suspect to the court if he just filed for custody shortly after any proceedings against him for reimbursement of welfare (child support). When anyone applies for welfare, they have to assign the right to collect child support to the state. The state then goes after the NCP and tries to collect. It can take years to catch up to an NCP and if they just caught up with OP's husband and then he turns around and claims she's unfit and files for custody, the courts may decide that he's only seeking custody to avoid paying support or retaliation for being held responsible. It's a little different when there is an agreement for no support and 50/50 custody as long as welfare is not involved. (my husband never paid his ex child support because they agreed they would each take care of things when they had her on their weeks and my husband usually paid for extra's, BM would just tell him what she needed. When they went to court for their first custody/support proceedings when SD was 8 years old, the court did order support to begin but no arrears)

I am not surprised that the mother does not have a job. She has an eight month old baby, and unless she has significant education/skills that you have not mentioned, it is unlikely that she would earn much after daycare for the baby. The requirements for receiving TANF are quite stringent - it seems unlikely to me that she has been receiving it for five years, including when her son was a preschooler and she did not yet have another child. It also seems that she would have received a lot more than $7500 over a five year period.

"So obviously the courts do NOT feel she is entitled to any child support--they just want the state paid back."

As ima said, when a parent is receiving TANF, the child support goes directly to the state. This certainly does not mean that the court does not feel she is entitled to child support. It just means that the father, not the state, should be supporting the child.

Why on earth did the father not go to court initially to establish paternity, custody, and a support agreement? It is likely to appear to the court that he was trying to avoid paying support.

Actually, why wasn't the father's name on the birth certificate, if they were living together at the time?

Didn't the mother's case worker think it odd that the child was attending a Catholic school when the mother had no source of income?

Kathline

I was also taking into consideration the statement the OP made about mom showing up drunk in the middle of the night banging on the door a number of times. She doesn't sound very stable to me. I've never gotten drunk and banged on peoples doors in the middle of the night. I also believe there was a comment about her drinking all the way through a pregnancy. Sorry but that sounds like a drunk to me. If you can't put down the bottle for your own unborn childs health you are an addict.

TOS

If the woman couldn't afford the childcare without living off of MY tax dollars, she shouldn't of had the baby. That's my views on that. How can she provide for a child if she can't even pay for daycare? What quality of life will this child have if this person can not financialy provide for it half way decent? She doesn't even take care of the child she already had.

What would you say if it was a Step Mother complaining that her DH couldn't help support their child together because all his money was going to raise children from a previous marriage? I'm guessing it would be something along the lines of....That's why you shouldn't have any more children after divorce or These are things to be discussed before marriage. This Bio mom should have done the same pre planning you always preach.

Love,

I think the reason the money goes back to the state is that they paid her and now they are being reimbursed. My guess, going forward, they will expect him to pay her monthly in addition to the arrearages. Yes, if that is less than the welfare amount, she will get the welfare amount and he may just pay the state directly.

I dont care how "small" this car dealership your fiance owns is, I suspect his income is such that if the mother engaged an attorney and went after CS, she might get a lot more than she is getting now.

You have also said that your DH has an expensive lawyer. I would be cautious -- sometimes lawyers paint an optimistic picture. I am NOT saying all they care about is there fees, but sometimes they fight on for causes with not much hope. I would ask laywer to give best case, worst case and middle as to custody and CS outcomes.

I hear your anger and dissappointment. I think there are a number of related issues. You need to understand the legal options, and likely results (which you may not like), and if you decide to go forward, counseling.

I'm not sure how she was able to collect Temporary Assistance for so long, but she did. We have copies of all the paperwork from the DFS office. She clearly lies on them, stating she doesn't know where the father resides (not true), and that her son lives with her full-time.

She had a couple jobs here and there, the longest one lasted a month, the shortest lasted two days! I know temp. assistance requires you to be either in school or looking for gainful employment. I am not sure how it was able to be dragged on for so long, but it certainly was. The monthly sum shee was receiving was something like $235 or $245 a month. Not much at all. The only reason she was able to survive on that is because my fiance paid for everything else for their son, and then BM lived with two different boyfriends before getting pregnant again and moving in with this guy. Sigh.

She is an alcoholic. She drank non-stop through the pregnancy and smoked; STBSS caught her smoking and was terrifed she was going to "kill her baby."

I agree, my fiance was an idiot to not have documented his rights sooner. I think he was just always too trusting of his ex. There also has been *some* question of his paternity--his ex on several occasions has told him, in anger, that she slept with another guy at the time of conception. My fiance doesn't really want to know either way. So my guess is he was maybe a little afraid of finding out something he didn't want to hear. I went to court with my daughter's "father" when she was 6 months old because I wanted everything spelled out, protecting my rights, etc. He lives 2500 miles away and has no interest in being part of her life. BUT I wanted everything court-ordered and documented. I didn't want any doubt or questions coming up down the road. And before TOS can ask...I get NO child support. He was ordered to pay it but has NEVER paid in 6 years. Last I heard, from a friend of a friend, he was in jail for it. WHATEVER. I do realize that I am fortunate, I have a family that had the means to help me finish school, etc. BUT--I agree with doodle--I would NEVER have had another baby while in school, or when I wasn't in a position to financially care for one.
I don't understand why people are consistently so irresponsible.

I guess we will see what our attorney says.

And Ima, we both love your suggestion of sitting in on our judge's courtroom--thanks! That sounds like it could be really helpful.

Sending you a myspace friends invite today!

I am not arguing that the woman doesnt have an alcohol problem. What I am saying is that because it is undocumented ( they should have made a report), its going to be a he said, she said, and a judge, with a limited amount of time to make a ruling, and a limited knowledge of the people involved, is going to rely heavily on the GAL.

Perhaps instead of fighting a custody battle now, they should agree to what the GAL recommends, and then begin documenting actual times that the children are endangered by the mom with a drinking problem.

Bringing it up in court, without any proof, is quite likely to bite them in a**

"The requirements for receiving TANF are quite stringent"

How do YOU know?

"It just means that the father, not the state, should be supporting the child."

Not exactly. Children are entitled to be supported by BOTH parents. The state expects the NCP's portion of support to go back for reimbursement of any aid paid out. It does NOT mean that the father has to pay back every penny of aid paid, unless he should have paid more than she got in aid to begin with. $7500 may be what they think he should have contributed via child support but she may also have gotten more. It depends on what state the aid was paid, every state pays a different amount. Some states pay very little cash aid and lots of food stamps and other benefits while other states pay a larger cash amount and less other benefits.

"Didn't the mother's case worker think it odd that the child was attending a Catholic school when the mother had no source of income?"

Have you seen the caseloads some of the case workers carry? They can have as many as 500 cases and they don't have time to sit around and question every little thing, like where this woman's 5 year old goes to school. Unless the caseworker has reason to look into it or 'catches' it, they wouldn't really pay much attention to it. In CA, before they required school verifications for every child, many of that sort of thing were overlooked but even when school verifications came in, I'm sure a lot of things get overlooked (like the father of the children living in the home) because case workers are overloaded with paperwork. When you have 300-500 cases and every child in those cases has a school verification (and if there are several kids per case, it's a lot of paperwork), you look to see that they are in school, not what school or what the school costs, etc.

LOVEHADLEY

"I'm not sure how she was able to collect Temporary Assistance for so long, but she did."

She might have claimed an 'exemption' to any time limits her state has. In CA, there is a 60 month time limit and the parent is aided with the child for 60 months. If, after 60 months, the parent is still not self sufficient, the parent is taken off the case but aid will continue for the child and essentially, the parent will have to survive on that lower amount (unless they have unreported income as many do and there are not enough welfare investigators to handle all of the unreported income cases)

And just for the record, many people work, get pregnant and have their baby, take six weeks off and go back to work. If you are so uneducated and unskilled that you cannot get a job that pays enough (and who knows what the father of that child is or isn't contributing for THAT child), then she shouldn't have another baby. And if she is on aid, the State will pay for childcare so she can work.

Kathline

This is just me but I would take my chances with getting bit in the ass in court before I would chance my child/step child dying in a alcohol related accident. I know it can be difficult when there is no proof but in the case of physical or drug related abuse I think the courts NEED to know if theres a problem....proof or not.

She may go the rest of her life without ever getting busted untill she finally kills someone driving drunk. The girls mother has never been arrested either. She has managed to skate through without getting busted. In fact, if it wasn't for her multiple on record botched suicide attempts, domestic calls and rehab stints there would be nothing on paper for her either. There are no drug related arrests. This being the case, how dangerous would it be for us to send the girls over to her house during one of her binges just because we were afraid to bring up her addictions in court because there's no drug charges on her record?

Kathline

This is just me but I would take my chances with getting bit in the ass in court before I would chance my child/step child dying in a alcohol related accident. I know it can be difficult when there is no proof but in the case of physical or drug related abuse I think the courts NEED to know if theres a problem....proof or not.

She may go the rest of her life without ever getting busted untill she finally kills someone driving drunk. The girls mother has never been arrested either. She has managed to skate through without getting busted. In fact, if it wasn't for her multiple on record botched suicide attempts, domestic calls and rehab stints there would be nothing on paper for her either. There are no drug related arrests. This being the case, how dangerous would it be for us to send the girls over to her house during one of her binges just because we were afraid to bring up her addictions in court because there's no drug charges on her record?

I didn't mean to post the same thing to you twice. There was a user malfunction:)

"And Ima, we both love your suggestion of sitting in on our judge's courtroom--thanks! That sounds like it could be really helpful.

Sending you a myspace friends invite today!"

Thanks, make sure you include a note with your GW name so I know it's you. I get some spammers so I don't add anyone if I don't know how they found me.

Here is a link that might be useful: link to myspace

"I am not arguing that the woman doesnt have an alcohol problem. What I am saying is that because it is undocumented ( they should have made a report), its going to be a he said, she said, and a judge, with a limited amount of time to make a ruling, and a limited knowledge of the people involved, is going to rely heavily on the GAL."

What does count as documentation, do you think? I have an email sent to me from BM's first cousin, offering to testify on our behalf. She states in the email that BM's drinking is out of control and that she is mentally unstable and needs psychiatric help. She also states that BM is actively trying to turn STBSS against my fiance, myself and my daughter. States that he is a young impressionable boy, and what BM is doing is wrong.

Surely the testimony, if she actually got on the stand and spoke in the courtroom, of BM's own cousin would count for something?

We also have an email from BM to us talking about her drinking during the pregnancy and how worried she was she had done damage to her unborn child.

Also-are medical records ever of use? BM was taken via ambulance to the ER about 18 months ago and treated for alcohol poisoning. Does this count for anything?

Have a meeting with the attorney tomorrow to strategize and discuss all our options.

I think the GAL and the court is going to be more concerned re effect of any on child. Is child missing school? Not seeing doctor as appropriate?

"I think the GAL and the court is going to be more concerned re effect of any on child. Is child missing school? Not seeing doctor as appropriate?"

He did miss quite a bit of kindergarten last year. He had 15 tardies in the first semester alone, and all 15 were because of his mother. My fiance dropped him off at 7:40 like clockwork every day.

He missed 7 days of school in the first semester. 6 of those were when he was with BM.

I don't think much of it was due to drinking but more due to the fact that she doesn't care much about school period. She hated the school itself, and blamed the teacher for all his problems. She actually told him that if his teacher took 1 more popsicle stick (kind of like getting your name on the board) from him, she was going to "kick her ass." She said this to her 6 year old son because he then repeated it to us and said he no longer had to listen at school for that reason. Lovely. And BM wonders why he has issues with school/authority figures?

She kept him home a lot just because she thought stuff was stupid--a couple field trips she didn't think he would like, a music program she didn't like, etc. She actually kept him home the last 3 days of school, too, because it was after Memorial Day and she just thought it was ridiculous that school was still in session.

I realize that was only kindergarten but that is just her attitude about school in general.

No matter what anyone here says...drug abuse, drinking problems, mental illness and domestic or physical abuse are high risk factors where children are concerned. Talk to your lawyers and don't pull any punches with her. Where the safety of the kids are concerned show no mercy. If it doesn't work you can have a clean conscious knowing you did your best.

If the judge isn't a total moron he will at the very least take into consideration that mom has dependency issues which WILL eventually hurt the child in one way or another. Children who grow up around addicted parents are highly more likely to become addicts themselves. That ALONE should be enough reason to consider whether mom is the best parent to award primary custody to.

Why the hell would a judge award custody to a parent with even the slightest dependency problem if there's another parent who has NO dependency problems? It is utterly ridiculous. Because she's the mom??? (Insert gagging noises here.)

Another good point to add, that if it is brought up, it becomes part of the court record. If dad is alleging alcohol problems in 2008, even though the court may not give him custody now, if later on, there is more proof (via arrests, police calls, etc.) then dad can say 'look, I told you this was going on. NOW will you believe me?' and the court can't deny what is on the record. It does establish a pattern but you have to also beware of establishing a pattern of unfounded accusations. There should always be some sort of proof, even if it's not enough to sway the Judge to change custody. Keep a journal of everything that happens and after several months, look back to see if there are any patterns. If the child is missing school on Monday's (because mom was out partying all weekend and hung over) or always late on the same days... keep track of any pattern that you can establish. Mom's lack of interest in school (her child's education) is a factor in her ability to parent the child. Talk to his teachers and find out if they have any idea why the child is having problems. Maybe the mom has talked to or said things to them that could help your case. Note grades that drop and may be associated with tardiness and absences that happen on mom's watch. All of those things individually may be meaningless to the court, but together, may paint a broader picture of this child's life and the court may take notice. Also, talk to the child's doctor. If mom is the only one that takes him, get copies of his records (dad's entitled to that) and see if there is anything worth noting... again, look for patterns of problems. You can also check with your local police department and they may be able to release a record of all calls made to a particular address. I believe it's a matter of public record and even if there is no report made, there is a record of the call and sometimes, just an incident record. Showing that there are many police calls to mom's house can show two things... first, the reason for the call may or may not have anything to do with the child. second, even if it has nothing to do with the child, if you can show that on the dates the calls were made, she had the child in her care, then you can show that the child is being exposed to whatever the calls were for and not to mention that any police visits to the home can be disruptive if it's very often.

and another thought, in my experience, many of the people that were on welfare and not working, were also in unstable living situations (and before I get flamed, I said many, not all). Because it's not much money to live on, people that rely 100% on their welfare benefits, move around or have other people moving into and out of their home (splitting rent & living expenses) to survive. If you can show she has moved around a lot and may continue to do so, that could help your case.

Don't always trust your attorney to know what to do. I had an attorney that I spent $17,000 on and he showed up in court with his private investigator. They had pictures of a couple of 32 gallon trash cans that were on the side of the house filled with beer cans & bottles. His intention was to prove my son's father had a drinking problem because they were mostly beer cans. However, all he proved was that my son's father recycled. He couldn't say with ANY certainty who drank the beer from the cans or when it was consumed. What a waste of money he was!!!

LOL ima,

When I had my ex to court to set child support, he tried to file a custody claim. In it he alleged, among other things, that my son had missed a whole three weeks of school for a vacation, and that I had cases and cases of beer stacked on my back porch.

Well, the truth was, my son did miss three weeks of school. However, the reason was because my ex had taken him out of school for those three weeks to go to Florida. And the beer cases were there. They were part of a high school bottle drive, that all of my sons classmates were participating in. My house was the depot for them until they were brought back to the store to claim the deposit.

My ex looked very bitter, very stupid, and not only was his custody claim denied, he lost the joint custody that he had previously enjoyed be agreement. HE also got hit with a higher support order than he otherwise would have gotten.

The moral of the story, if you cant prove it for certain, its not a good idea to make an issue out of it during a court case.

The Guardian Ad Litem was s upposed to investigate any concerns each parent has about the others parenting, as well as interview the school teachers, etc, and family members involved in the childs life, and base a recommendation on that. If the GAL in this case isnt ruling in the dads favour, then there isnt substantiating evidence to back up the claims. It takes time to build a case to prove this sort of thing, and there is no point blowing it prematurely by making accusations you cant prove.

My two cents worth.

Good point, any time my DD was sick, Dad wouldnt take her and said she should stay with me and I should miss work. OK, not fair comparison, as he would rarely take her.

"The Guardian Ad Litem was s upposed to investigate any concerns each parent has about the others parenting, as well as interview the school teachers, etc, and family members involved in the childs life, and base a recommendation on that."

But what I don't understand is that the GAL has not done any of that.

He met with my fiance first for about an hour. This was during the period of time where BM was withholding STBSS. That went on for 4 weeks. The GAL got a court date in July, and that was when he set up the temporary custody agreement. He set a week by week (Fri to Fri) schedule for the summer. Fiance picked STBSS the morning after the court date and we left for vaca to Michigan. GAL met with BM for a meeting while we were gone. The day we were driving home the GAL called my fiance and set up a meeting for him and BM together to resolve school issue.

They talked for a bit and he said that since BM is a SAHM, STBSS should go to school next to her house.

He hasn't talked to anyone--not STBSS's counselor, not the teacher from last year, no one. He hasn't even mentioned the drinking issue to my fiance at all.

I don't understand how he can make a ruling when he hasn't even investigated any of the claims. It just makes no sense to me. His whole attitude, towards both my fiance and BM, is 'it doesn't matter." BM was complaining about me "trying to be STBSS's mom" when he is with us, and the GAL just told her "it doesn't matter." My fiance complained to the GAL that BM calls our house constantly and he said "it doesn't matter."

I am not really sure how or why he is arriving at any conclusions.

We have a court date set for mid August...apparently, it is a "settlement date." Not sure what that means, or, if we decide to go to trial, if it will even happen.

Talked to the attorney today and he was mentioning everything from PIs to depositions. We will meet with him tomorrow afternoon for a session to lay all the cards on the table.

Anyone have any idea what is going on with the GAL?

PI's are expensive and so are depositions. However, in the deposition, your attorney can lock BM into her story so you will know what she will say in court. If she changes her story from the deposition to court, she could lose credibility. If things are said in deposition that you believe are not true, then you could hire a PI to investigate and prove they are lies. (ie. if she says she NEVER drinks and then it might chip away her credibility to have video of her drinking, even if it doesn't affect her child) Doing that doesn't prove she's not a good mom, but if she destroys her word (her credibility) then the Judge may red flag everything she says.

A deposition can cost several thousand dollars but if you are going to take it to trial, then I'd recommend doing one first.

Also, most of the time, they have a mandatory settlement conference where both parties meet and confer to try resolving as many issues as possible (the court prefers you to reach agreements here) but if there are not complete agreements, then you would stipulate to whatever agreements you have and when you go to court, the only issues to resolve are the ones that haven't been agreed to.

Are you sure its a GAL that is handling your case>? it sounds more like a court conference officer. They are not the same thing. CHeck. If its not a GAL, I would request one, as well as social and psychological testing , before the judge makes a final ruling.

Kathline

That's a good point. The Psych. Eval could point out some red flags.

Everyone keeps referring to him as a Guardian ad litem. Our attorney was even pleased when he was assigned to our case because he really likes him.

I think the GAL is a former judge, as well.

So to whom do we request the social and psych. evaluation? Do we ask our attorney? Will he ask the GAL for one?

I think that would be excellent. IMO, BM definitely has some sort of mental/mood disorder. Her rages and mood swings are really out of control. I have never seen anyone, in my life, who loses control so quickly and mentally deteriorates and then returns to "normal" and acts like nothing ever happened. We have 5 minute voicemails from her screaming and just acting completely belligerent and irrational.

Dear lovehadley,

I've never posted to this board before but I felt compelled to send a message to you.

I'm an experienced stepmom of three. My stepkids have two different mothers. One BM is reasonable and helpful. The other is unstable and narcissistic. We have had to work very hard to keep this brood together - and I've learned a lot. I can tell you from experience that unless you set some boundaries and take control of your life, you are in for rocky ride that will definitely include an unwanted divorce.

You are correct that most courts now favour 50/50. It's fashionable and it doesn't require anyone to make a real decision. However, it doesn't work for all children or all families. It won't work in your case. The BM is set on making trouble and the child is out of control. The current situation is bad. Moving to 50/50 would be better, but you'd still have an obsessive BM harassing you and a child in your house that you can't manage. Just imagine this child in 5 years, when he's almost as big as you are.

Furthermore, your quality of life is just not good enough. You are very young, obviously articulate and you clearly have a compassionate nature. Yet your day to day life is all about your stepson and this crisis. You are going to wake up very soon and find that you're 40 years old and have wasted your young years fighting a battle that you can't win.

You need to take control of your situation. It's not working and your fiance's proposed solutions aren't going to make life any better for you. He can fight for sole custody of this child, but he most likely will lose. Even if by some miracle he wins, the child will be opposed to it and he'll be unmanageable. Furthermore, the BM will get very liberal access which will be just the ticket she needs to harass you every minute of your life. It won't be much of a victory and it won't last long.

I can pretty much guarantee that this child will end up living fulltime with the BM. Either he will demand it, or you will demand it, or you will leave and your fiance will have no choice but to relinquish custody. How you get to this place is up to you. You can continue to live in this nightmare until you walk out, or you and your fiance can figure out a reasonable schedule whereby this child can live with his mother, and spend ENJOYABLE, nonthreatening visits with you. Believe me, once the BM has this kid on her hands fulltime, she'll be VERY EXCITED about these access visits and she'll make sure that the child is as good as gold every minute. And, best of all, once she's dependant on you for the occasional break, her behaviour will improve dramatically.

It's too bad that this child has a lousy mother and behavioural problems. But you can't solve this problem and ruining your life won't make it any better. All you can do is set boundaries for you own life, and then enforce them. It's tough, I know. But, trust me, it works and you will be much happier. The child will be happier too. It's bad to have an unstable mother. But it's much worse to be caught in the middle of a war and be swatted back and forth between two different worlds twice a week.

Let your fiance read this email. Good luck.

Stepmomofthree,

I would really love to talk with you further. Is there any way I can send you a private message? I'm new to this whole GardenWeb community, not sure if it has any features like that.

I don't know anything about this website either! Perhaps some of the more experienced users can provide some knowledge.

One last thing occurred to me last night after I send you that message. I can sense how outraged you are at the unfairness of the family law process. I don't blame you. No one seems to care about the evidence, your lawyer is suggesting strategies that don't work and the so called experts are imposing scrambled schedules that no real life family could cope with. People keep telling you that the court will care about all the evidence of bad parenting and that a fair decision will eventually come your way. Yet each time, you get another shocking and disappointing result - and a big bill to pay for it.

You need a better understanding of the family law world. I am a lawyer and I went to a good law school. Not a single student in my law school class went into family law. None of the decent judges in my community want to hear family law cases. The social workers that are smart and successful get out of the daily grind of child welfare and into policy jobs as early as they can. Family law is a miserable, low paying, unrewarding practice area. The courts are staffed by the poorest judges that can't get on better dockets. Those judges have no clerks to review the materials or get them case precedents. They're lucky if they have secretaries to type to their decisions. Much of the material that you file will never be read by anyone.

Most wealthy people avoid the quagmire of the family court system by going to arbitration. It's a private adjudication process that avoids the randomness of an overcrowded docket before an unprepared, ambivalent judge.

I suspect that your lawyer is a very good lawyer who produces excellent documents and presents good arguments. That's the kind of lawyer you want when you're suing an insurance company. But it's not the type of lawyer you need for your case. Your case is a crackpot file. You need a lawyer who specializes in dealing with crackpots (drug addicts, abusers, stalkers etc). These lawyers are aggressive and are focussed on protecting you from harassment and expense. Ask around. Do some google searches. Who's representing the victims of spousal abuse in your community? Who's famous for stopping stalkers? Who is YOUR LAWYER genuinely afraid of? An aggressive lawyer will shut this process down, act as an intermediary between you and the BM and bring some peace and order to your household. He'll deal with the schedule changes, vacation requests and all the myriad of interactions that an obsessive ex will use to create chaos and grief in your household. He won't go to court unless he absolutely has to which will be very rare. He will save you a lot of misery and a fortune in litigation costs.