Wow, you guys have been put through the ringer! I remember this story, tamar, re: ss in rehab. Also how she didn't want him living w/ her, took an apt. here but something else happened. She's a manipulative, selfish woman who gives women a bad name! Shame on her!

I guess I can't complain about our former situation - DH had to pay rehabilitative alimony for his X to become computer savvy. He did, she took the course, but refused to work in the field, saying she was beginning a cleaning business. The kicker? She claimed to make $100/week cleaning other people's houses while she had to pay a cleaning lady $300/week to clean hers! I thought, "Is she a complete idiot to think anyone would believe this?" LOL.

I'd LOVE to see you guys get back CS for all the time, effort, expense, and aggravation of the situation.

Dana

Statistics show that most women have a decrease in the standard of living after divorce and most men have an increase. I know that was my situation, and I suspect that was the situation in most women here.

I thought alimony was to allow the women to live in the manner in which they were accustomed.

My DH's X took a major hit in her and the children's standard of living BY CHOICE. W/ over $6000/mo. in CS/alimony, she could have well afforded something suitable, but chose to live off of people, crying poor. It was disgusting. At one time around the time we were married, she had her and the three kids (tweens and teens) in a one-room pool house of a friend's house for months. I was appalled that she'd put the kids and her in such an arrangment - one son, two DDs. Give me a break! And, all private schooling was paid by DH. She virtually had food, no rent, her car and that's it. Tell me she doesn't have a small fortune stashed away now...Later, when she felt the DS was gay, she gave him the boot and he lived w/ us for the last year + of H.S. and on all breaks from college. Never, did she once pay and CS on him or have her CS cut at all. We didn't fight it much as we were afraid if he went back to her, he'd be a suicide statistic for the way she made him feel about his lifesyle.

When separated and for years til we married, DH took the small rental we now own as he needed a place for the kids on his weekends - it's a 2/2 and he gave up his room for the son, took the couch, and put the girls in the other bedroom on their weekends. It's a small house, was in some disrepair, but adequate for 2 weekends/month.

Sorry, I guess I forgot to mention she always had an unemployed poster boy (man in her life) shacked up w/ them, too. I'm surprised she didn't take us back to court for more support for HIM! LOL.

kkny, you're right. Most women who divorce do suffer a decrease in their standard of living, myself included. When I divorced my first husband, our incomes were comparable, so each of us effectively had half the household income. This wasn't nearly as detrimental to my situation as to some others on this board, as I was a practicing attorney and could support myself and DDs.

I never begrudged my DH's ex-wife the CS or her maintenance when she was still a single mom and the boys were living with her. Ater all, I do know what it's like to be a single mom. Granted, I did sometimes express amazement at some of her spending choices (even when I worked, I never had a need for $1,000 designer suits, and she was SAHM), and it did annoy me when she would make comments to the boys that people would never know how much money their dad has by the way their stepmom dresses. I would just smile sweetly and say, "Well, clothes just aren't that important to me anymore. I would much rather spend the money on new goalie pads for this year's hockey season, or new riding boots because the one's from last year are too short, etc."

What really bothered me was that after she remarried and the boys came to live with us full-time, she continued to receive maintenance. It didn't bother me so much that DH was still supporting her, or that she never offered to help with anything concerning the boys, but that she would actually ask for reimbursement for stuff. For example, jackets she bought for the 20 yo SS, or airfare from Chicago to DC to visit her, or airfare from Chicago to Florida for her family reunion in Long Boat Key. After she first asked me for a reimbursement check for the jackets, she said she was only asking because she wasn't receiving CS anymore. I told her that no one receives CS for a 20 yo, and that anything either of us buys him is a gift. I also pointed out that she was still getting maintenance, and she said, "But that's MY money!" It just blew my mind, the tone of her voice and her indignation at the thought of spending HER money on her sons.

I am just relieved that there will be no more maintenance checks in the future.

I am a professional and earn a good living too. And it annoying that I work full time, take care of child while X supports his GF who is now unemployed (oops, she does consulting work and is studying to be a real estate agent).

Maybe almost everyone on this board are the givers and are complaining about the takers, who go on with their outrageous behaivor.

In my state, very few moms are awarded both alimony and child support. It made no difference that I was a SAHM mom and had been married for decades or that we had a child with special needs.

Working two professional jobs and including child support, I make 65% of the median income in my area for a family of four (and we have a larger family than that). Almost my entire income from my full-time job goes to pay the mortgage.

That's pathetic, TOS. I mean, I'm sure your X and you had some sort of agreement of who'd be sacrificing a career to raise the children, and who'd be working outside of the home to support the household. Here, there's alimony until remarriage and CS til all kids are out of school. I think it stings a little worse when HE decided he didn't want to keep his vows and strayed. Are you discriminated against? Gender? Being a mom? Seems to be a disgrace that you're working that hard and barely making ends meet. What type of special needs are you talking about?

Tamar: I didn't mean to sound harsh above. Just that the old baggage resurfaces from time to time and I'm really annoyed that she's been making comments to her DD that I was a 'fool' to cosign for her son's GSL...If I hadn't, I'm sure she'd have had a great time crying how I was the only person who could have helped him get his degree but didn't want to be involved....

LOL about the BM in your case and "HER" money. Sheesh. Give her an itemized bill for every little thing you've bought HER kids before and after the 18 b-day...then take a picture of her face when you present it so I can have a good laugh!

Dana,

Yes, we did. I had only worked full-time for two or three years during the previous couple of decades, and not at all since our last child was born. The special needs include some moderate learning and physical disabilities.

I believe I was discriminated against because state law discriminates against large families in cases of divorce and because my husband's lawyer (paid for by his wife) was (figuratively speaking) in bed with the powers that be in the county. Even his own lawyer eventually made it clear she thought he was an idiot, though. It is all about who has the deepest pockets.

Yes, it is about the deep pockets. The legal system stinks for the most part from what I've witnessed. I've seen this when we tried to go after our crooked contractor. Attorneys fees added up so quickly and buried us in an already financially stressed state from the fire. We had to drop our case when our attys told us that his atty said,"He's older. If he loses a judgement, he'll retire and she'll never see a cent." How could I fight that? And, what kind of people are these who know what he did and still defended for him for the almighty dollar? He didn't pay his subs, didn't get 'releases of liens' per our contract, made so many errors - the upstairs has a small lookout room. The front wall was supposed to be 11 feet across, but he poured it at 6', so the spiral stairs up to it had be moved. It's just a huge mess.

Well, I'm sure they'll one day have a higher power to answer to than me, and in your case, you.

I ask about the LDs since my oldest DH is autistic and the youngest has ADHD w/ a nonspecified LD. The public school system here is atrocious and has failed these boys terribly. Teachers aren't paid nearly enough (while celebs make millions for posing for pics/making movies - don't get me started on our warped society!) and the good ones get burned out or realize they can't support families on their salaries.

D

Dana - no apology necessary. We are in the same boat on a lot of issues.

kkny - imagine your annoyance if YOU were sending a monthly check to your ex and his gf, all the while you are taking care of your child and they aren't doing anything other than cashing your check.

TOS - the state you live in stinks. I was married to my first husband for less than 10 years, plus I had what the courts would deem substantial income on my own, so I would not have been awarded maintenance. I can't imagine being in a long-term marriage as a SAHM, giving up my career and earning power, only to be left in dire financial straits when my husband decided to trade me in on a newer model. It really doesn't seem fair, does it?

I am a SAHM now, not by choice initially, but it has worked out better for all the kids to have me home. I will sometimes tease DH that he better be good to me, otherwise I will hire the same divorce attorney his ex had. Needless to say, he doesn't think I'm too funny sometimes.

Tamar,

My DD resents that I went to work outside the homes when she was small. It wasnt my choice. X gave me no choice. Apparently GF gets a choice. So you may resent paying $$. I have to deal with child's resentment. She cant understand why her Dad is more generous with GF. So she calls the GF the Golddigger.

Yes, my state is an awful place for the CP. It is ranked as having among the lowest child support awards for families of multiple children, in addition to alimony being almost unheard of.

I am very unhappy with our school systems too, although I have heard that many of Florida's are worse. My cousin grew up in Florida and until she was a teenager they missed the fact that she was severely dyslexic and essentially could not read.

Oh yes, TOS. My youngest DNephew's LDs are still 'non-specified.' I had him (and the middle brother, oldest is autistic and was at a fine montessori elem school) at a wonderful Christian school where he was in tiny classes and did very well for K. His mom pulled both he and his brother out, put them in separate schools - middle in private, him in public but not the same as the oldest. So the three boys were in three different schools. It was an odd move, but she wanted to exert her control, I guess. Anyway, the rational was that the youngest needed the public school system's ESE classes. The truth: ESE wasn't even available for his grade (entering first), the class he was in didn't have a permanent teacher (she was ill, they had a multitude of subs who must have thought - he's having a bad day), and later, in the ESE program, the teacher just didn't care. The tutor I took him to weekly knew her from teaching in the past and offered to call her to see how we could help him more, etc. The tutor was appalled the next week. She said, "I talked to Tina (teacher) and she just isn't the same, caring individual I remembered. She kept going off on how sweet and handsome he is, but I couldn't get anywhere else. When I pressed she said that she's been doing this too long and now realizes she just can't help everyone!" We were so upset.

Today, he's going to be a So. in H.S. I think my newly turned 7 y.o. reads better - honestly. It's sad, but true. They've pushed him through, year after year, and it's just pitiful. This "no student is left behind" may sound good, but is it? Are they all passed regardless? Is anyone really trying to help these kids at all or are they just biding their time til retirement?

On our monthly spreadsheet DH just gave me at the couselor's advice, that tuition bill is huge for our boys. But, after seeing what I've seen w/ my DNephews, I guess it's one thing we can't afford to do w/o. Where are you if you don't mind?

D

My step-kids are special needs kids....
It it's special, then they need it.

Dana,

I am in New England (I would rather not be too specific just in case my H's current wife is reading - she has impersonated other people in the past in order to harass me). I think the public school system is often inappropriate for kids with special needs, and quite often for typical kids as well. All my other kids taught themselves to read, and they all read well; my youngest was taught in school, for a couple of years in a special ed class, and she struggles. I suppose one could question what is cause and what is effect, but she is so perceptive and clearly intelligent in other respects that one has to question the quality and methods of teaching of reading.

TOS -- Is your youngest still struggling to read? And if so, what are you doing about it? (I have two with dyslexia myself, one of whom also has quite a bit more to contend with.) Many schools are very reluctant to offer much help to intelligent children who have trouble reading, but a parent's dogged determination can make a great deal of difference in the outcome for the child.

My child supposedly reads at about grade level, but very slowly and with little enjoyment and with less understanding than I think she should have. She has been receiving various services all along, and we have always had to push for more, but the quality of services in the school is poor.