You don't mention what kind of law you're looking for (divorce, fair housing, landlords, etc.), but I found this on the North Caroling Fair Housing site:

http://www.ncrec.state.nc.us/publications-bulletins/FairHousing.html#limit%20the%20number%20of%20children

Can a landlord or agent limit the number of children allowed in a bedroom, or prohibit the sharing of bedrooms by children of the opposite sex?
No. Although a landlord may set "occupancy standards' for the number of people that will be allowed to live in a unit, the standards should not be based on the age or sex of the individuals.

In the state of Florida the only limits the state can set on sharing rooms is how many heart beats per bedroom.

You should contact your local Court House and speak to someone in there. They could direct you as to what is and isn't a law in your area, more specifically your county.

I've never heard of any specific laws prohibiting a parent from having two biological siblings of opposite sexes share a bedroom, though I think most would agree that beyond a certain age, it's not the best idea.

I'm curious why you're asking... Is someone making trouble for you? Or are you concerned about your children's sleeping arrangements at their other parent's home? I can only imagine you're asking here because it's come up as someone's legal strategy... If you're the 'complainer' please examine all of your motivations carefully and honestly before doing something that will damage your children's relationship with their other parent.

From the North Carolina Real Estate Commission:
Can a landlord or agent limit the number of children allowed in a bedroom, or prohibit the sharing of bedrooms by children of the opposite sex?
"No. Although a landlord may set "occupancy standards' for the number of people that will be allowed to live in a unit, the standards should not be based on the age or sex of the individuals. [Note: The fair housing laws do not limit the applicability of any reasonable local, State, or Federal restrictions regarding the maximum number of persons permitted to occupy a housing unit.]"

From the Foster Care Agency:
"Sleeping room shall not be shared by children of opposite sex. If exceptions are necessary, these shall be only for children age five and under."
"When children share a bedroom, a child under six shall not share a room with a child over 12, except when siblings are being placed together."

From HUD:
HUD rules state that parents and children should have separate bedrooms. We assume that two children can share one bedroom. Therefore, the following standards were used:
Single parent with one child -- 2 Bedrooms
Single parent with two children -- 2 Bedrooms
Two parents with two children -- 2 Bedrooms
Two parents with three children -- 3 Bedrooms

I don't think there are laws regarding private residences. There are for public housing, foster care, etc..

My DH and I are concerned about his 4yo son. He lives with his mother, stepfather, and stepfathers 12yo daughter. Right now they all have their own room, but she is pregnant and has stated the baby will not be in her bedroom, but sharing a room with one of the other kids. We are concerned because we don't think (at the time the baby will be born) that a 5yo boy and 13yo girl who are not related should share a room. And we're also concerned about if my DH's son has to share a room with a newborn, who is constantly waking up in the middle of the night, how is that going to affect him at school, his mood, and his personality. He is a bit of a light sleeper anyway. His mother's new husband works 3rd shift as an officer, and my DH has said to me that she always slept through their sons crying at night, even though he was right in the room with them. So we are very concerned. Even if she puts the new baby in the room with the 13yo (which she might do), I'm sure the girl is old enough to voice her opinion about being woken up all night. Thanks for the links, but none of us rent. We both have purchased houses. Thanks! And Happy 4th of July!!!

I don't think it is appropriate for a 13 year old girl and a 5 year old boy to share a room, even if they are biologically related. We would never allow that in our home. I would definitely have concerns with that arrangement. As far as the baby with your SS, that doesn't seem appropriate to me either, at least until the baby is sleeping through the night most of the time. I would definitely keep my ears open to what they decide.

It's more appropriate to put the baby in with one of the older children than it is for a 5 yo boy to share a room with a 12 yo girl who is not his sister. But it's still far from ideal, and your concerns are valid, especially with the boy being a light sleeper and the mom being a sound sleeper.

But then again -- Is this a can of worms you really want to dive into? If my son's StepMom -- whom I like and respect -- were to suggest to me that the sleeping arrangements I proposed in my home were inappropriate, I would tell her to mind her own business. I'd try to be polite about it, but I would be deeply offended. If your husband were to voice his concerns, that would be hitting a sore spot -- I mean, she knows how many bedrooms she has and that the sleeping arrangements won't be ideal -- but it's understandable since the father had legitimate parental concerns. (Not that your concerns aren't valid -- just that for a Step to question the parental judgement of a Bio when it comes to the welfare of the Bio's children is always a delicate area.)

And, what would you have her do? Having a baby in your bedroom isn't great for certain aspects of a marriage. (It's fine for a few months, but not a great long-term solution.) Selling their 3 BR house to buy a 4BR house would be a major upheaval for all concerned, not to mention a major financial strain. And taking any sort of legal action to change custody would be a big mess. Do you really want your stepson to come and live with you and his father?

Honestly, I'd stay out of it...

I agree with sweeby. These arrangements are definitely not ideal, but if you and DH are going to take action, then it should be DH voicing concern. I understand alot of SM's come here to get advice and pass on to DH, so I assume that is what you are doing, but it is definitely DH's place to say something, or you will look like the bad guy.

Lafevem you are right. My DH is def. concerned over this. If anything needed to be said to X he would be the one bringing it up. I am posting here about it because I thought everyone might have some insight, advice, or have been in a similar situation. It's really not best for SS to come live with us because my DH works away from home 6 months out of the year. 28 days home and 28 days gone. But the situation he will be in when his mother has her new baby will not be great either. It seems like a lose/lose situation. What we would like for them to do is keep the baby in their room with them until he/she is somewhat sleeping through the night at least. I do not have any children, but I do understand that having a baby in the room is not great for certain aspects of a marriage. However, I think that since this child they are having was planned, even though they know they are not in the best situation to be having a baby right now (there are other issues too), then they should "take one for the team" so to speak and tough it out with the baby in their room so as not to disturb the other school age children they have in their home. DH and I feel this is not an unreasonable request. Should DH present these thoughts and feelings on this issue?

Um, no... Even though my ex-H and I are big proponents of having the baby in the parent's bedroom, and all of our children were there until they weaned, the majority of parents do not do this, and it is no one's business but their own. In most families with more than two kids, the kids have to share a bedroom.

I have to disagree with TOS. The BF does absolutely have a say in the sleeping arrangements for his child. BF absolutely does have a right to put his 2 cents in for this matter. It is the BF's "business" because it is his biological child. If he has concerns, he should express them, and ask BM what plans she has for THEIR child and if he doesn't agree, he has every right to pursue some sort of mediation to reach some agreement. The BM and her new hubby made the choice to get pregnant, and it is up to them to come up with appropriate accomodations for the rest of the children. When I got pregnant with my DD, we had to move to a four bedroom house to accomodate our growing family. It was more of a financial burden, but those are the choices we make.

No court is going to insist that someone have a bedroom for each child.

I didn't say any court was going to insist anyone have a bedroom for each child. We have 2 older children who share a room. I do believe a court would have a problem with a 13 year old and 5 year old of opposite sex and not biologically related sharing a room. I also do not believe it is in the best interest of a school age child to share a room with a small infant who will need to be up several times a night feeding. The parents chose to have a child they cannot feasibly provide its own room, so they need to be the ones to sacrafice and have the baby in their room. Imposing that on a small child is unfair in my opinion, and I do think a BF has the right to express his concerns about the sleeping arrangements for HIS child.

This is not a matter that the court would get involved in. You may think that the children would be better off with the baby in the parents' room, I may think that the baby would be better off in the parents' room, but those are just our opinions. There are hundreds of thousands of parents in the United States whose babies share a room with an older sibling.

What difference in terms of waking up does it make anyway? If the five year old is a light sleeper, he will wake up when the baby cries, even if he is in a different room with the door shut. Don't you wake up if one of your kids cries, no matter what room he is in? In the summertime, I can hear our neighbor's baby cry, probably 100 feet away.

I disagree that the courts may not get involved. At least in my state, before you go before a judge, you have to go before a mediator. And I truly believe, a mediator would try to get the parties to agree on an amicable solution for this issue. In our last court visit, a mediator made my DH's ex agree not to smoke in her home because the kids were there or in her car when the kids were in it. He also added that she must sign a school planner each night for my SD who is struggling in school. They will involve themselves in what others may consider "petty" matters.

TOS...the difference you are failing to grasp in this matter is that this child is not the child of the BM and her new hubby. He has a BF who has a say in his life. Across the land in intact families everyday, fathers tell mothers that we cannot afford to put dear child in soccer, dance, circus performing at this time, and mother accepts what father says and a court doesn't intervene because this is an intact family and parents just have to work it out. But in divorce cases, a court will intervene and most times force BF to pay for wheaver activity whether he agrees or not. So, when parents are divorced it is a horse of a different color.

The funny thing about this question is I am willing to bet that if a SM came on here and said she planned to put her new baby in with DS and the BM was having a big issue with it because she felt her DS would not be able to sleep, you would jump down SM's throat in a minute, and tell her she knew this other child was there and she should have made arrangements not to disturb his sleep, and how DS was going to feel intruded upon by this new baby and feel he is no longer part of the family...blah..blah..blah. It is funny to me how advice changes based on which party is asking it.

By the way..the two ways to handle it I have ever mentioned were 1. DH expressing his concerns to his ex, and 2. Seeking some kind of mediation from a third party who is impartial.

TOS..you brought up court...I know that is the only remedy you and other BM's know, but I was suggesting less punitive measures...ones that would seek a resolution without involving the courts. But, most of us SM and BF get to learn the court system quite well thanks to BM's that use it incessantly.

The children may not be blood related but given the fact that they live more or less full-time together and are raised together (I'm assuming the ex-wife's husband has full and/or joint custody of his daughter) means that they are a family and sometimes families have to do what families have to do. They did not have to consult you as to whether they could or should have a child together. Adjustments need to be made everyday in all kinds of families and households. You and your husband can't take your stepson due to his work schedule, yet you think that you should have the right to tell his ex-wife and her husband who needs to sleep in their bedroom with them. I see where you're coming from, but unfortunately, if your husband isn't willing to make changes for the benefit of his son, then I don't think you have a right to interfere with his ex-wife's living arrangement.

Although, the baby should probably sleep in the room with the parents at first... (this is what I did for mine)... I dont see any real problem with the baby sharing a room with the 5yr old after that. It is more appropriate than putting a baby in with a 13 year old who by far is in more need of privacy and just on a completely different level than a 5 yr old (besides I have always been a believer in oldest gets first dibs)... this situation can get tough later down the line because of the age difference but in all reality families across America share rooms every day. Sometimes it is inconveniant but the fact is sometimes being apart of a family is inconveniant. I don't think there is any real problem here. If the 5yr old is a light sleeper, him waking up when the baby crys at night is going to be a problem regardless of where the baby sleeps... its part and parcel of life.

Maybe at the absolute most, hubby should voice concern. But, the fact is BM isnt doing anything terrible or detrimentle to the 5 yr old. She is simply doing what most people do. I am sure she would love to move to a house that has a room for each child... most of us would... but then most of us are live in a world where finances dictate otherwise. And, BD isnt offering any real solutions that are reasoable. It is slightly ludacris to demand situations to be accomodated to your liking in her home or for her to have to make drastic changes in her home when you (or DH) are not willing or able to make changes for the child to come to your home ie: cant live with us because father is gone six months out of the year.It is their home and their decision. Just as your home is yours.

I do understand where your concerns are coming from and I do think that the situation is not perfect but then what situation is perfect... we all make sacrifices and adjustments to make our families work... this is one for them and if nothing else it is a good character building event. He gets to be quite close with his new brother or sister and he learns about responsibility and family.

One other point to consider: If BioDad does voice his concerns, BioMom may decide she needs a larger house and that BioDad should pay more child support to help finance it. After all, it's in his son's best interests, isn't it?

good point... dont want to shoot yourself in the foot

lafevem,
As an aside, it is foolish to assume that biological mothers take their ex-husbands to court for the heck of it. Over the years my ex-husband and I have seen several counselors - and twice he has terminated counseling that HE asked for by walking out in the middle of a session after yelling at the counselor because he didn't like what the counselor said.

And by the way, I have paid for 100% of almost every activity my children have been in since he left.

And since when do fathers in intact families get to tell their wives what the family can and can not afford to do? Budgeting is a joint decision.

Do you know the gender of the baby and will they find out? If it's a boy, I'd do a little 'wait and see' what eventually happens.

I kept my kids w/ me for the first year of life - right in the bed between DH and I or one of us would sleep elsewhere. We had extra beds most nights due to the skids and my Dear Nephews.

Anyway, while the mother thinks she won't want the baby w/ her, she may change her mind or at least keep the baby for a little while. I never thought about cosleeping til my OB and L&D nurses suggested it when I was in labor.

If the baby is a girl, I think it's tougher. Regardless, this mother simply can't expose her two other children to the sleeplessness we, as moms, endure the first weeks and sometimes months. I never put the baby w/ my other son/s for fear of him waking up his brother/s. I'm a very light sleeper and had two beautiful Italian cribs, lol, that were NEVER used! Thought we'd have one for my place and one for my parents' house...

I think as hard as it may be, you ought to really sit back and see what transpires. Afterwards, ask your stepson how it's going and what the arrangements are, etc. See if the baby's w/ him and if he's being awakened, etc. If he is, then I think you could step in and delicately say something.

My friend had two children (10 y.o. boy, 9 y.o. girl) when she had a third, a little boy, now 7. The plan was for the baby to stay w/ the other boy, but that never happened. He stayed w/ his parents (who had a 3 bed/2 bath house) and they shortly thereafter decided to enclose their garage for the older boy to have his own space. Does the house in question here that ability or anything?

All the best,
Dana

Thanks everyone for the advice.

Dana-I do believe we're just going to have to wait it out and see what happens. Their house does not have the ability to expand. And as much as she cries poor to us, I dont believe they have the money to move. We've also toyed with the idea that she fully plans on keeping the baby in the room with her, and just has told us different, to get a reaction. Which she has done in the past. She told my DH that she was thinking of moving from NC to MI, and when we said something about it in front of her DH (then fiance), he had no idea what we were talking about.

Sweeby-If they moved to a bigger house to accomdate the children, and if benefited SS (which I think it would), we'd be more then happy to pay xtra child support. I know some people pay way more then can even afford already, but we've been fortunate to pay some bills off this year :)

TheOtherSide-Everything reply you've ever posted on my topics is way off kilter. No one ever mentioned court. You did. I know that most families have children that share rooms. I never had my own room growing up. And I do believe that my DH has a say in his son's living arrangements. We're not trying to tell X how to run her family. We just want SS to have a great first year at school. It's hard to do that when you are five, and cant get a good nights sleep. And I'm sure he would sleep better with the baby on the other side of the house through 2 shut doors then with the baby in his room. I feel bad for you that you have to live somewhere, where you can hear your neighbors baby crying 100 ft. away. I've looked through the last 10 pages of posts, and there are no posts from you. Only one asking what happened to another post. It must be nice never having any problems or needing to ask some advice from the people on here. Seems to me all you do is read, and write your opinion about everyone else's lives. I dont appreciate the "arguments/debates" or whatever you want to call them, that you seem to get into with people on posts. Especially when they are mine. Are you even a stepmother yourself?

I am very young, do not have expierance with this, and come here to look for advice from people who have been there and done that. I know there are many people who have walked the path I am about to go down. And there are many words of advice I have taken and have helped me feel a little better, and have given me some options I would not even have thought of myself.
Thanks everyone!

"I'm sure he would sleep better with the baby on the other side of the house through 2 shut doors"

I bet you're right about this boy's mother tossing out tantalizing bits to get a reaction.

I can't imagine a mother putting a brand-new baby to bed on the opposite side of the house with 2 shut doors between her & the baby.

Hang in there, smile pleasantly, & best luck.