If she hasn't completed the court-ordered parenting classes & education about autism, is that not something like contempt of court? I'm sure some of the wise women here who've experienced legal entanglements will know more, but I can at least recommend that you document, document, document; keep a diary, & record every communication, every time she's supposed to be there & isn't (or cancels), etc. Also, print out those facebook posts. Meanwhile, it doesn't sound like she's been around enough for him to wonder why he isn't with her. He might just as easily ask why he isn't with the postman or the Sunday school teacher. If he were to say something, I think I'd practice the age-old parental strategy of distraction. "Oh, I dunno, honey...Hey, look, there's a squirrel in the back yard!"

From his present position, "just wants to come home" probably means about the same as "just wish all these problems would disappear", so I wouldn't take the 'home' part too literally. For what it's worth, living with BioMom certainly doesn't sound like it's in SS's best interests, so it's probably just as well that it's not what BioMom seems to want either. Would it be possible to get you into the loop as a parent or 'designated parent representative'? The reason I ask is that you sound like the best parent in the whole bunch, and with your husband's permission, I'm betting the residential treatment facility will be willing to give you near-equal rights. (I know my son's school and doctor does this with his stepmom.) It may not be your idea of fun, but it's probably the best for all concerned, if you're willing to take it on.

My parents were married for 25 yrs when they divorced. Their marriage didn't come first at all. I don't know that even us kids came first...LOL. My mother has not re-married, but my father has. I have been on both sides of the fence with step-families. I was an adult when my father remarried. I have taken my approach with my SS's from what I have learned as a child of divorce, and from the mistakes his wife has made. 1. The marriage to my DH is of equal importance as his children. 2. The children need one on one time with their father regardless of how good our relationship is as a family. Whether intact or not, children need one on one time with each parent. 3. If anything were to happen to my DH, the chilren will recieve all monies from his life insurance policy, any items of his that they want, etc. It has been made clear to me and my siblings that we are not welcome to a personal relationship with our father. We are allowed to have one with him AND his wife (which is fine, but sometimes you need one on one with your parents) When I got married the first time, my father was dating his now wife. He brought her to my wedding. That was the first time I met her. They had come from out of state (about 1,000 miles) to our wedding. I welcomed her openly. She was awful. Very rude to my brothers, my mother, and disrespectful to my grandparents. She made it clear that she didn't feel that I was old enough to get married, and that she would never allow her daughter (same age as me) to get married. (I was young...21) Six months later, her daughter married a meth addict. Nice.... Anyway, over the years she's pulled some pretty crazy stuff. Alienating one of my brothers totally, and pi$$ing of the rest of us. Here's the thing. I still invite her to all family functions becuase she's my fathers wife. I remarried a while back, and she was invited to the wedding, and she sat with my in-laws, etc. I would never dream of treating her with any disrespect. I don't have to like what she does, but she is my father's wife, and that is the choice he made. My relationship with my father isn't what it use to be, and that's pretty sad, but that is his choice. I love him regardless. So, understanding both side of things, my goal is to foster a positive, fulfulling relationship between my DH and SS's. They all deserve it. What's funny, is that my DH would never allow me (or anyone else for that matter) to come between him and his kids. Nor would he allow my SS's to be disrespectful to me. I've been lucky, my SS's are very good to me. I don't know what I'd do if they weren't. I know I'd be crushed. I just don't think it's ever OK to exclude a bio OR step parent. When my SS had his 12th b-day party, he was mad at his mother still (he had moved in with us a yr before)and I told him "you invite your Mom, or no party...period". He got the message. We're teaching him tolerance. It can go a long way, just like manners.

--"gardenandcats....I think that's awful advice"-- I seriously doubt Gcats meant for it to come out as 'sneak your SK off to counseling while he's at Dad's house under your care and to heck with what Dad/BM say/think'. --" My fianc� and she share joint custody, an he has suggested to get him into counseling many times, she refuses to get him help"-- Even with a 50/50 there is often times a set 'medical decision' maker. If it is truly a she can/he can (meaning either parent can make medical decisions) than there is little BM can do to stop Dad on Dad's 50. Of course for a smoother , perhaps more beneficial, counseling session it would be best for best parents to agree and at some point for both parents to also attend. The idea behind the sessions I will assume is to bring the sides together to agree on ways to cope with child and for child to cope with his new sitatuion. Denying the child ways to cope with life and feelings blah blah blah is hardly in the best interest of the child. The biological parents must work as a team to bring together the help and assistance the child may need. I'm still waiting for answers to above questions. Depending on the answers could be the core of what the child is actually having troubles with. If this child is having dealing and interacting with all children I would assume his teacher and school professionals would have been in contact with BM/Dad and discussed the options in helping the child. If the 'trouble' with the child is only present at home/s and has more to do with divorce, resentment blah blah blah...it's a different ballgame entirely. Being sheffled between to homes in it self can be a major stress factor for some kids. Being compared to two stepsiblings at live 24/7 together from birth on while the 'new child' in does not or perhaps does not even have other siblings is an unfair measure of 'judgement' as to what may or may not be 'wrong' with this child.