Do be aware that standard Revocable Trust language generally does not allow the surviving spouse to access principal on the deceased spouse's portion of the estate, which will become Irrevocable (the survivor's portion of course, remains Revocable). Restrictions are common on the Deceased principal, so it is up to you to decide: do you want the Survivor to have full use of the principal or only partial use? If partial, under what circumstances may the Survivor use the dividends and/or interest? The standard is health, education and maintenance - this means gifts, travel or entertainment must come from the Survivor's own estate, not the Deceased. You can change this to allow full access, even though this is unusual - we did this. It is imperative in a Trust that you keep your trustee and beneficiary list up to date, including the successors/contingents. We needed have very intensive discussions with an estate attorney over my MIL's trust because she and her deceased husband had never updated their trust since making it 25 yrs prior. The successor trustees and contingent beneficiary list was woefully out of date and would not have served her best interests. Do not automatically assume the people you like best will be adequate trustees, especially in a sibling situation. Sometimes the best person to pick is someone who is not only honest but neutral. Be aware that unless you specifically request language that a trustee can be reimbursed for time at current professional rates, a trustee does not normally get paid for the considerable amount of time they will spend overseeing your wishes. Expenses are always paid by or reimbursed from the estate, however. When it's your spouse that's not a big deal, but in our case it is a relative by marriage - she would have to take off work on her own vacation time or unpaid to deal with our estate, which we felt was not fair. I have settled estates and it takes a LOT of time, at a period when you are grieving yourself. I would be happy never to do it again, believe me; it is a burden, never a joy. You may wish to be very specific about the handling of real estate property once both Trustors pass away. Probably more disputes have occurred over RE than anything else. Heirs can get into a sentimental mindset and act in illogical ways which often irreparably damage sibling relations. As an old saying goes, "Never say you know anyone until you have split an inheritance with them!" It is unfortunately all too often a true proverb. My sister acted in ways that astonished me (and even her own husband) when our eldest sister died. To this day I wouldn't trust her with any portion of our estate; she just turns into another person entirely when money is involved. This is not an uncommon behavior, so dont assume your children will all "play nice and not run with the scissors." This is especially true as your children marry. The standard assumption is that if your child dies while married, their spouse and/or children inherits. But what if you donÂt like their spouse? Think about what you want to do in this type of situation. Make sure the package includes pour-over wills, power of attorney, durable healthcare power of attorney INCLUDING the HIPAA releases. It is up to you to copy your doctors with the healthcare POA. The attorney may or may not transfer your home title to the trust; ours included it in the set fee but YMMV depending on where you live. Be aware that anytime you go see a health specialist or get admitted to a hospital, you or your spouse should bring a copy of the appropriate health POA along. The HIPAA regulations are woefully vague and each doctor, specialist and hospital has their own way of interpreting how to obtain permission to discuss someone's medical records. In an medical emergency, this can be very important. This is also why whoever is your primary successor Trustee after the surviving spouse, should be kept up to date and know where all these documents can be found. And they need ACCESS to a copy of these documents in an emergency without having to go to a judge to obtain legal approval. They need to know the name and phone number of your lawyer as well as where you bank (which branch you have your safety deposit box in, for instance). All these documents should be checked over any time there is a life-changing event: divorce, sale of a home, death/marriage of a family member. Good luck and may everything go smoothly for you.

We have dogs - he knew I had inside dogs when we dated that I was not willing to part with. The SD cant stand that fact and has used it as a reason to not come to our house. Her children have all had asthma attacks, some after being around the dogs, but many many others from other triggers - no dogs around. She has used that to say that we have chosen our dogs over the safety of their children because I refuse to part ways with my dogs. We put them outside if anyone comes over - but that is not good enough - they have insisted we get them new homes! for someone that may have come to visit 3 times a year, it was not a reasonable request. If they lived with me and my dogs were causing health concerns, it would be totally different. This battle has gone on for 1 1/2 year and now we dont do any holiday or family get togethers at our house at all - so imagine me hauling food and presents for 20+ people over to someone elses house to accomdate Christmas. I don't have any thoughts or advice about the rest of the post, but I do have thoughts/advice about this part. I have asthma myself and I know many people with asthma. It's very possible you may be underestimating the seriousness of this issue for your husband's grandchildren. Your stepdaughter is not handling this the way I would, if I were in her shoes (at least that's what I think). If I were your stepdaughter, I would not insist or even ask that you get rid of the dogs. But I would not be visiting your home, probably ever, if it caused my children to have asthma attacks. Even if the attacks were just sometimes. I would kindly and pleasantly let you know that was the issue, then it would be up to you and your husband to decide whether to keep the dogs or not. I would not be attending family/holiday get-togethers at your home, and I would very much expect that you and your husband would be not only willing but also understanding enough to haul your presents and food to someone else's home without complaint in order to prevent my children from having an asthma attack. Her children have all had asthma attacks, some after being around the dogs, but many many others from other triggers - no dogs around. Exactly. They have asthma attacks from dogs (sometimes) but also from other things. Asthma is probably a constant battle for them. There are so many places their children have to go that cause problems for them, why would you insist that they come to your home when you could visit them instead? We put them outside if anyone comes over - but that is not good enough No, putting the dogs outside is not good enough. Please, please for the sake of your relationship with your husband and his family, educate yourself about asthma. Here is some information about pet dander and asthma from the web site about.com: In fact, it is dander or the proteins in skin flakes, urine, feces, saliva and hair that trigger your asthma symptoms. Removing your pet from the home and avoiding contact with the pet is the most effective way to decrease exposure to animal dander. A "trial removal" is not recommended as it may take as many as 20 weeks following removal for allergen levels to fall to levels similar to those of homes without pets. If you do remove the pet from the home, make sure you thoroughly clean all bedding products, floors, carpets and other surfaces where dander may collect. If pet removal is going to produce depression, crying and gnashing of teeth for you or your child, making the pet an "outside only" animal is a partial solution, but will not fully decrease your exposure to animal dander If you and your husband insist on keeping the dogs and that your grandchildren visit you, then you probably ARE choosing the dogs over your husband's grandchildren's safety. . We have dogs - he knew I had inside dogs when we dated that I was not willing to part with It's very possible your husband didn't know himself what a huge issue this would be. Many, many people, like yourself, think simply putting the dogs outside is good enough. However, now you both know that it is a problem, and it's up to the two of you to decide how to deal with this problem. I don't think your stepdaughter should insist that you give up the dogs. However, if you were my stepmother I would be very, very, very, very, very angry if I had told you what a problem this causes and you continued to dismiss it. Very angry. Really, really, really angry. I'd be angry and I certainly, absolutely would think you were not the life's companion for my father I hoped he'd have. I just want him to stand up to his ASD and tell her that I am here to stay, deal with it, accept it, and quit being so petty over stuff. Your husband's grandchildren have asthma that is sometimes triggered by pet dander. They are his grandchildren, they SHOULD be there to stay, you should deal with it and accept it and do what you can to minimize the impact of your pets on your grandchildren's health. I can certainly understand why you'd rather have your beloved pets with you every day rather than get rid of them over someone who only visits 3 times a year. However, you are minimizing and dismissing valid health concerns your step daughter has. As her children's mother, it's her responsibility to advocate for their health in a situation like yours. She is not being petty, she is being a responsible mother. I hope this helps you to see the other side of the issue. I hope you and your husband can find some resolution to this issue. The only other thing I would add is that sometimes certain things will cause problems for me and other times those same things won't. It's not like cat dander (one of the things I'm allergic to) will always cause problems for me. Sometimes it will, sometimes it won't. But if my threshold is low (and I don't always know when that will be), then cat dander causes a problem for me, ranging in severity. So please don't be dismissive of the issue if your husband's grandchildren don't always have asthma attacks due to the dogs. Even if the problem is intermittent, it's still an issue. That's not your stepdaughter being petty, it's the reality of her children's life. She MUST deal with that on behalf of her children, she has no choice. But YOU do have a choice. Good luck whatever you decide.

Of course it is a hostess' obligation to try to make her guests comfortable and tolerate any variations they cause to the normal day to day routine of the house. This should not be too onerous for the hostess - because it is also incumbent upon the houseguests to do their best to make sure that they are pleasant, as little trouble as possible, and hopefully even do small things to show their appreciation for the hostess, if they can. Where I used to live, when my brother would come to visit he'd sleep on my sleeper sofa in the living room. As hostess, and one who got up earlier than him, I'd try to keep quiet so that he could sleep. In such a small place generally that meant I'd have to leave and run errands! When I'd return from errands, as guest, my brother would have sleeper sofa made back up and his personal belongings reasonably tidied up. Having or being a houseguest can be a bit stressful but so long as both parties try to think of what they can do to make it easier for the other person generally all goes fairly well. But, the problem here is that it sounds like the adult skids are not doing their part to follow any etiquette, and if only one party is expected to behave well (DannieB, by being expected to be an accommodating hostess) without any reciprocal attempts by the skids to be good guests, it is natural that she'd begin to feel put-upon and used. She's the hostess - she's not a maid, and she's being taken advantage of (letting their dog on someone's furniture?! Really?!) What if you're at work, and periodically someone runs over to doughnut shop across the street to get breakfast? A colleague might ask if you'd mind getting them a doughnut too, and offers to pay you. You, of course, say yes to the request and no to the offer of payment - it's a doughnut, for heaven's sake! And normally one doesn't quibble over who owes pocket change to whom. Fine - but what happens when ten months later you realize that you are always buying doughnuts for this one person? That person has never reciprocated? Yes, it's just a doughnut - but ten months worth of daily doughnuts start to add up, and no one likes to feel used. Most people are going to not say anything, not cause a scene - but just start quietly slipping out for doughnuts so the colleague doesn't know beforehand, and thus can't ask for another freebie at someone else's expense. DannieB has been putting up with this for twenty years. Her husband won't say anything, the "kids" can't be bothered, she can't tell the kids to go stay at a hotel - there are only two options left for her (well, three if you count divorce and/or murdering the skids, but they're both a bit extreme, LOL!). One is to keep putting up with this, and I'm unaware of any rule of etiquette which says that anyone is obligated to repeatedly put themselves into a position in which they know that they will be taken advantage of, anymore than doughnut person is required to keep announcing intentions to get doughnuts and thus cornered by good manners into buying them, or two, to remove herself from this equation by going to a hotel herself.

I would think most kids would be excited about the little one - are they boys or girls or one of each? My SDs were 15 and 17 when our first was born and they did not take the news well. However, I'll spare you the details, but our relationship was strained back then. Nonetheless, they loved their baby brother, and the two that followed, despite not ever being happy about each pg'cy. I think my DNephews took the news far better (they were raised as my own for many years) since I had more exposure to them and I also constantly told them how much I loved them, and that NOTHING would ever change that. I also involved them in everything as I tried w/ my SDs, but it was different. I think that because you have a nice relationship now, it will be fine. I always waited til I was starting to show before telling anyone, so around 5-6 mos. for the first, earlier for the next two. I didn't want to risk a m/c or anything - you should be past that danger zone now. And, I always explained to my DNephews that God wanted us to have a baby and He put one in my tummy (they initially thought I was adopting a Chinese baby - something I had a calling to do before baby boys 1,2,and 3 arrived, lol.) So, if you're religious and want to phrase it that way, it's easier for the little ones to understand. Then, after the baby, be sure that NOTHING changes with respect to these SKids. No alteration in visitation, sleeping arrangements, etc. Encourage them to come to the hospital to see their little brother/sister and refer to him/her as just that, despite what BM tells them. If you act as though you NEED them, they will respond and love the fact that they can help you and the baby. I'm sure it will all be fine. And, one more tip: in the last weeks/months when baby is moving a lot, I used to make my stomach jump when my boy/s were near and say, "This baby LOVES you already. It's so excited whenever you are near!" LOL. Maybe you can spare the skids this drama, but my boys are two years apart, so I was dealing w/ almost 2 and 4 y.o. when the last was born. They would get so excited to see my tummy move and they'd feel so loved. They'd get really close to my stomach and say, "I love you baby! Come out!" Maybe w/ the skids being a little older, just say, "Whenver you're near, this little one starts moving all around, all excited. I think he/she loves you already!" Just a little hint that worked for us. Good luck, Dana