I know my dad's GF has this problem. She has two children---boy 11, girl 8--and her ex in-laws are forever doing special things with the boy. They have a lake house and take him quite often but have never taken the GD by herself.

I think they feel sorry for him because he is a boy, and his father is absent from his life.

But apparently, from what I have heard, it really hurts the granddaughter's feelings.

I think maybe your MIL is more bonded with your older child because she has spent more time with her (him?) over the years. By the time your middle child was born, MIL was probably already securely bonded with the older one and never invested the time she had with the FIRST to get to know the SECOND.

Does that make sense?

i'm not saying it's right, but I think that is probably what's going on here.

i think you absolutely did the right thing by suggesting MIL spend some special one-on-one time with your middle DD. If she got offended, that's her problem. Stick to your guns. Insist that you are going to have to put a hold on all the special things with the older child if your MIL doesn't at least make an effort with the middle child, as well.

I think you are right that MIL feels more bonded with oldest...I think too that she feels bad for oldest she is my SD and her bio mom is not involved.....but that doesn't change the fact that she has more than one grand kid...and she is the only grandma they know..I wish I had someone else that would do special things with middle one but I just don't have anyone available..our family is small...

I really dont want to limit oldest from her special time w/grandma...I kinda feel that would be punishing oldest because grandma won't spend time w/ the middle KWM? I just don't know what to do.....it shouldn't be so hard for her to suck it up and spend at least a day with middle one...

I bet the Grandmother does spend the extra time with the oldest because she feels bad that the BM is not involved. I know that my mom and Grandparents went out of their way to do things for one of my cousins because they felt that my cousin's parents favored her brother over her. I'm not saying that is what you do, but maybe Grandma just wants SD to feel like she is special because she doesn't have her mom in her life. Maybe you should just explain to MIL why you said what you said and let her know that you are happy that she spends so much time with SD and that you would just like for the middle child to have a little time too, not an equal amount of time, just a little.

I do not think you overstepped at all. I think your MIL is over sensitive.

If I were you I would try to patch things up with a phone call. Just tell her you did not mean to offend her or keep her away from sd. Tell her how wonderful she is with sd and how much sd enjoys time with her. Just tell her that dd feels "left out" and wants to be included in some fun with grandma.

I think Raeks remarks are very astute. Even if OP cares about all children the same and even if MIL recognizes that, older child still has to bear the hurt of missing mom. That has to be tough, and my guess is GM recognizes it. MIL may be thinking, why cant DIL be fair and recognize that hurt - or in your words, suck it up. In any event, my advice would be to try to be big about it, and first emphasize to her and any intermediary that you had no intention to, and would not, limit contact with SD, but you would like a little time with middle child. I think the more OP tries to push middle child in their, the more MIL will feel OP might be favoring her child over older one, and she should try to make up for it.

Thanks for all the thoughts, I have had SD full time since an itty bitty toddler...I don't think GM thinks SD is treated differently than the rest of the kids and that is why she overcompensates...she knows better...
DH and I were talking and he brought a good point up...as a child and till this day DH struggles with his mom favoring his sister over him, see his sister has had diabetes since she was 4yrs old and ever since he has felt like she has been favored over him, there is not much age difference between the two of them..a few examples: When it came time for high school SIL went to private school(Im talking nice nice private, DH was made to go to public,
When it was time for the kids to get cars DH got a 500.00 pick up truck SIL got a 35,000 brand new car, MIL would take SIL on many trips DH stayed home, MIL payed for 4 yrs of college for SIL, DH had to get student loans.....the list could go on and on..
so here is my thought..I think GM has all the best intentions in the world I think she feels bad for a "disadvantaged" child and zones in on spoiling it and leaving the children that are left feeling left out....
She was told SD could go with for the week..she chose not to take her cause she was mad at me....

"MIL may be thinking, why cant DIL be fair and recognize that hurt - or in your words, suck it up."
I dont mind sucking it up but should the middle child have to? I mean she has spent absolutely no time w/ her!

I think you are absolutely correct and whatever the reasons behind it, younger daughter is not getting grandma time. So you pointed it out, nothing wrong with that. I'd follow up with a phone call or better yet have your DH do it & stick to your guns. Younger daughter is starting be hurt and grandma needs to give her some attention too.

I think unless you are careful, GM will be convinced older child is the disadvanted one. Which will make her double her efforts on behalf of older one.

I'll just add my 2 cents for what it's worth.

My grandmother was just awful!!! She was an old fashioned Mexican woman (not sure if she was typical) but she favored boys. She had nine surviving children, three boys and six girls. She'd treat the boys like they were kings, the girls had to do everything for them. She went as far as to call girls, nothing but a 'ball of blood'. (disgusting!) She and I never talked once, she didn't speak English and I didn't learn any Spanish until after she died.

So, it wasn't a surprise when my mom had my brother and then three girls, my brother was the favored one. But, I was surprised that when I had my oldest son, she favored him. He was the second grandchild, but first boy. She has since had nine more grandkids for a total of 11 and my son is and has been her only favorite. ALL of the other grandkids (boys included) have noticed and resent her a little for it. There was even a time when I refused to visit her because she would have a toy or surprise for him and not my other two kids.

I think GM is out of line when she does this and whether she is overcompensating for something or not, it's not fair and should not be tolerated. It is just as wrong when divorced parents spoil the kids to overcompensate them for the divorce. It doesn't make the kids 'get over it'.

I may get raked over the coals for this, but I think you have to put your foot down (or have your husband tell her) and let her know that the kids need to be treated fairly and if she isn't willing to treat them all fair, you won't allow favoritism. I think by her getting bent out of shape, she is out of line and using guilt on you. Your husband should be able to tell her how he felt always being second best to his sister and that he's not going to allow HIS child to be treated that way. PERIOD.

"I may get raked over the coals for this, but I think you have to put your foot down (or have your husband tell her) and let her know that the kids need to be treated fairly and if she isn't willing to treat them all fair, you won't allow favoritism. I think by her getting bent out of shape, she is out of line and using guilt on you. Your husband should be able to tell her how he felt always being second best to his sister and that he's not going to allow HIS child to be treated that way. PERIOD."

I kind of have to agree here.

The more I read, the more I really think GM could potentially do a lot of harm to your middle daughter.

GM may very well have her own "reasons" for favoring your older DD but that doesn't make them right.

I would maybe call her up yourself and set something up for your middle daughter and GM to do together. Maybe buy two tix to a movie, or a circus or a water-park..whatever you think they would enjoy. Then call GM and say "I've got these tickets and was wondering if you'd be interested in taking ___ to the show." Then you are the one making the first effort and GM won't have to swallow her pride to plan something. (not saying she shouldn't--but I kind of get the impression that she is not the type of person to do this.)

If it comes up again, reassure her that you want her to have a strong, loving bond with all of her grandchildren, and that you really don't want middle DD to miss out!

LoveHadley,

Unless I read this wrong, the oldest child is OPs SD with a missing mom, not OPs DD. I think that makes a big difference.

Ima, people try to help make up for a missing parent. That isnt always spoiling. You have talked in the past about how blended families can be of benefit. But there are stll many children who are hurting. This girl did not ask for her mom to be absent, and I have trouble belieivng that no matter how great SM may be, there isn't still pain there.

Many SMs have voiced complaints that MILs favor mothers. Maybe GMs are just more understanding of the hurt.

My guess is the 10 year old will soon get to an age where she wont want to do things with GM.

"My guess is the 10 year old will soon get to an age where she wont want to do things with GM."

i doubt that. I had a great relationship with my maternal grandparents and loved spending time with my grandma especially, even in highschool.

I think what is more likely is that middle DD will get a little bit older and start to realize that she doesn't get the same special time with her grandma that older DD does. THAT will be very hurtful.

I think that it's FINE for older DD to spend extra time with grandma, and do special, age-appropriate things. (At 5, the younger one is really too young to go on a cruise with grandma, anyway.) I think grandma can be loving and nurturing to her older GD--and if she is extra-tender because she wants to make up for missing BM, that's understandable. It is probably really great for older DD to have that special bond with her grandma.

No one is saying grandma shouldn't continue to spend special time with her older GD. BUT my opinion is that grandma ALSO needs to spend special one-on-one time with middle DD, as well.

Hearts are BIG and they stretch to include love for EVERYONE in a family--espcecially for a grandmother!

I think it is FINE for grandma to be tender with her older GD and be a nurturing figure in her life--because of absent mom--BUT not to the point that she clearly favors her over the younger child.

Why can she not have the special relationship that is unique to grandmas/grandkids with BOTH of these children?

"Unless I read this wrong, the oldest child is OPs SD with a missing mom, not OPs DD. I think that makes a big difference."

Both children are OP's husbands' children. This is OP's husbands' mother that is doing the exact same 'favoring' to his children that she did to him. You can 'speculate' that it's because BM is MIA, but it's never fair to the rest of the grandchildren to 'compensate' for things, and what about 'compensating' the younger child that wants grandma's attention? Instead of acknowledging HER feelings, she gives up time with the older one and goes home to complain to her husband that her daughter in law had the nerve to call her on it. How dare a mother stand up for her own child!!! (Or is her child's feelings less important because her mom is also a SM?)

Thank you for all of the thoughts and support.SD will always hurt that her bm is not involved, nothing not myself or GM or anyone in the whole wide world can take that loss away...it took me many years to realize this...I used to think if I was super mom for her she wouldn't feel that loss...that is not the case and I have come to terms with that...I do however strive to be the best mom to all my kids.
My children are my children and SD is neither favored in our home or excluded in our home because she is not biological. When you are a grown up life doesn't say oh...honey you got dealt a crappy hand here, let me make an exception for you...KWM?
DH is very upset, he plans to have a sit down talk w/ GM this weekend, He has not shared with her a lot of the hurt he felt surrounding the favortism that occured when he was growing up and plans to this weekend because he does not want Middle to have to go through the same pain..Even if GM flys off the handle, and nothing improves, at least we know as parents we stood up for our child, and didn't just ignore it.....I am glad that he will be the one having the conversation w/ GM as it is his mom, and may be more effective...Will give you guys an update after the big talk!

It may be that MIL gives her side of story, as in her daughter needed more help, as with her medical condition, it was harder for her to work, etc. Everyone here (I think) has said being fair doesnt always equal.

I was my mothers favorite of 5 children ... my daughter her 3rd of 8 grandchildren (first granddaughter) was her favorite!!

Don't think for a minute my siblings let me forget it she been gone for 15 years and I still get grief over it.

My mother doted on my Daughter from the day she born till the day my mother died only grandchild she left anything to and don't think for a minute my nieces and nephews let her forget it .... or my siblings for that matter.

It is usually mentioned at least once at each family gathering... how much better mom was to me and my daughter than the rest of my siblings and grandchildren.

My mother died before my son was old enough to realize he couldn't measure up to my daughter in any way shape or form. When I saw how she treated my son compared to my daughter I knew how my siblings felt.

I want to say this one thing because I have witnessed it and been a part of it my whole life: You can't make up for what one kid lacks by spoiling them or spoiling another child.

Example #1: When I was pregnant(about 6 months), we found out that my 15 y/o sister was pregnant. Supposedly it was her first and only sexual experience. Well the father disappeared and wanted nothing to do with the baby. My sister was bulemic before she got pregnant so her body wasn't really heathy to begin with. My son was born in January a healthy 7 lbs. 3 oz and 8 days late to a two-parent home. No complications with delivery (rather boring actually). Her child wasn't due until July. She had a strong support group of friends and family and we all pitched in to help. In May (6 weeks early), my sister developed toxemia and was going into seizures. They had to take my niece(already gestationally small due to my sister's unhealthy body) by c-section in an emergency operation. She was born 3 lbs. 11 oz and lost down to 3 lbs. She was so tiny, but ate well and was generally healthy. She had to be in the NICU for 2 weeks until she gained weight to 4 lbs. I think my parents tried to compensate for my niece's rather tumultuous arrival into this world by babying her. As the kids grew up together (just 4 months apart), the babies became almost like siblings. If they ever got into trouble, my son would be punished and not my niece. She learned this and her behavior got worse. Finally, when the kids were about 2, they were playing in our bay window and they both pulled the curtain rod out of the wall and onto themselves. My son got swatted by my father, but nothing happened to my niece. I had had enough and I told my parents that I was tired of them showing favorites and that they can't compensate for her lack of a father by not punishing her and making my son take all the blame. They were hurt at first, but soon realized they had been doing exactly what I said. They apologized and we haven't had the problem again.

Example #2: My FDH has a son from a previous relationship. His mom got pregnant because he was breaking up with her and she wanted him to marry her. So she lied and said she was taking the pill, but really had been off it for a while. When he refused to marry her, she went on a tirade. She kept the baby from him for a year until she filed for CS. So FDH went and had visitation drawn up and started seeing him. During that time, he was dating his future ex-wife (FSD's BM). She was great with the boy and FDH thought things would go well. They moved because of her job and that left FDH several hundred miles away from his son. The day of their wedding, the SF brought the son to town to be in the wedding. SF let it slip that FDH had told the mom to have an abortion. Not the case at all. Then SF asked FDH to give up his rights because he and the mom couldn't have kids of their own and he wanted to adopt the boy. FDH was like no way. So after that, the mom started slowly making the son unavailable for visitation. Then FSD was born. FDH's X basically told FDH that the only child that mattered was FSD and that she would not allow the son to come anymore. She would also grill him every time he talked to his son on the phone. FDH (I do not agree with how he handled this situation) kind of let both moms have their way and went several years (like 4) go by without seeing his son. In the meantime, his guilt was causing him to over-indulge FSD. He spent so much time with her that BM actually wrote a letter telling him that she feels that the only person in his life anymore is FSD. Later she divorced him and FSD was indulged even more. FDH told me that he felt that if he spent more time with FSD that it would make up for what happened with his son. I told him it doesn't transfer like that and that FSD causes jealousy because she is a symbol of what the son didn't have.

Holy cow! That got long! Sorry bout that! *blushes*

i was my great granmother's favorite and my mother never let me forget it and overcompensated with my brother both sets of behaviours lead to me having a really terrible relationship with my brother so please don't try to overcompensate