Yes, her behavior is typical. She feels guilty for liking you almost as if she not loving her mother. Typical for a child especially one who is her age, given time she may grown out of that she may not, it's original to the child and to her father, how he deals with her outbursts toward you. If you want a family of your own with this man, and he is not willing to give it to you; you may want to evaluate the relationship before it becomes more serious.

Chances are you will always feel like an outsider, it comes with the territory. Your stepping into a ready made family, one you didn't build yourself. You will either have to except that and know that you have many, many years of building your own memories with this man and his daughter some good and some bad; or you will choose to walk away.

You seem like a very smart women, you should sit down and discuss this with your bf; being honest about how you feel. He may ease some of the stress, or may have equal concerns. But you should not move in with him until you have some of this concern out on the table.

You might not be a "Step-mother" but you are more then welcome to voice any concerns you many have about becoming one. We are all hear to help, give advice, tell you how we've handled situations like this. There are some great ladies on this forum!!!

Thank you for your feedback angelz921.
I really need to figure out my motives in this relationship. Wondering if I am projecting my wishes of better life onto this little girl? I had a pretty tough family life growing up.

My sister is my only family left (I feel very fortunate to have her in my life) and the dearest person in my life, my aunt, just passed away. It made me think a ton about people, why you need them and all that heavy stuff.

Perhaps me trying to blend with this ready made family is sub-conscious attempt to fail again and keep myself from obtaining what I really want: Having people I can call family, balance, emotional equilibrium and a sanctuary.
Perhaps I need to create those things for myself, on my own. Many people end up alone, so I need to look reality in the face.

Is it my fear of loneliness is why I place other's needs in front of mine?
That's not a good reason to have a family. Why do others have families?

I enjoy being with this child, watching her lose herself in play; it takes you back to the time when you really enjoy the moment. I think that's what I like the most.

But I feel that she is already deeply hurt, by her parents situation and her mother's mental illness.
I feel the urge to stay and love both but I feel the urge to run because it makes me cry inside.

I have talked to my partner about the situation. I think he feels it's tough sometimes. He voiced his anxieties also. He feels that I and everyone else is putting the pressure on him. I have really cut back on the pressure and decided to go with the flow for most part because I feel it's useless to strugle against the current. He feels commited to building our "sanctuary" together. I wish he would acknowledge the amount of work I do in therapy to make this situation work.

He does discipline the child, but soemtimes the way he words it puts me in the "victim" position. For example he will say: "you really hurt Paloma's feelings, when you said etc..." instead of declaring it unacceptable. I feel that it will just make it more apparent to the child how to use it as a tool to get to me. Maybe? Should I suggest it to him to word it less "victim" like? Or is that criticising his parenting?

I can truly say if I had it to do over again at this point, I most likely would not have chosen to become a step-mother. I did have the rosy fantasies, but those came crashing down very quickly. I do feel many times I have become the "whipping boy" and when my SD's are over, I often feel left out. That is not thier fault, it is their dads, so I try not to resent them for that. I am now in this marriage and I have a child with DH, so I am in it for keeps. BUT, you have no children, and no huge investment YET, so if I was in your shoes, I would find a man without any previous children and try to make a family with that person. I know I sound cyncial today, but just how I am feeling. After dealing with an unstable BM, a (many times) unsupportive DH, and all of the other drama, I think I would not have made these choices in hindsight.

Maybe now is not the best time to move in, maybe you should give it more time, who knows in 6 months you may have made a complete decision to walk away. If that is the case you will not have to worry about packing and repacking, or the fact that once you've moved in you may keep telling yourself one day it will get better and so on until one day it doesn't and you are already married with children of your own. Something. Just know that you don't have to move in, keep it simple, have separate house's.

A lot of reasons why women and men both get into situations like our do have a lot to do with our upbringing. It is physiological, for whatever reason. You just have to be able to differentiate what is healthy and what is not, that is something some people just can't do.

Is this man someone you love?
Is he someone you could spend the rest of you life with?
Is his daughter someone you could learn to be around full time?

There are a million questions you need to ask yourself.

I TRULY wish someone had given me the following advice so I'm going to pass it along to you. I hope you don't mind!

My suggestion to you is you seek personal counseling now on your own to answer some of the questions angelz brought up and to discuss your present position with the BF and his child. I would insist on premarital/family counseling when (and if) marriage becomes a certainty for you and your BF. There are sooooooo many issues that my DH & I never talked about that should've been discussed regarding the kids that are causing us serious problems now. If you think it's difficult now while you're dating, somehow the issues seem to compound after marriage!

I hope things work out the way YOU want them to and you live the life you DESERVE to live.

Paloma74:
As I was reading your post, it seemed to me that you could have been speaking from my heart. I just moved in with my BF. He has 3 kids- 5y.o girl, 3 y.o. boy, 1 y.o. girl. To be honest, they really like me alot. Very affectionate, always wants to be around me. (Don't worry- we will be getting married). But there are times when I feel just like Paloma- like I'm an outsider and that I TRULY don't belong. Not to mention, I like his kids a whole lot, but their ages!!!! Toddlers drive me insane!! I have talked about boundaries to a point, but there are still issues. Like, for instance, The kids wake up at 6am. From that point on, they scream like banshees. I understand that they are at the age where they do that, but I feel its the parents' job to set boundaries. My idea is to have "quiet time" in the mornings. During that time, they can snack on cereal (they don't eat until 9 or 10) and watch a movie, but yelling and screaming is not allowed. I feel there's the WHOLE rest of the day for all the racket, but that shouldn't be allowed that early. It affects him, b/c he's the one that gets up when they awake, then by 11am, he's tired and cranky. He's a great dad, but needs to be more firm and consistant. I REFUSE to be awakened at 6am on my days off! I plan on speaking to him about this asap, but I want to hear oppions on the matter. Please, am I being unreasonable? Does any one have any suggestions?

Imani, I really feel like you need to back away and REALLY thoroughly assess what your personal goals are. From reading your posts I get the distinct feeling that you haven't taken that cold, ultra realistic look at your fiance and his children that you definitely need to. At 24 years of age, there is NO WAY that I think any woman is prepared to be a stepmother--let alone to three children. I know that I certainly wasn't--even at 30 when I became a stepmother I wasn't prepared. It is BY FAR the most difficult thing I have ever done, and I have two wonderful children who like me too--genuinely good kids.

This feeling is totally illustrated in your above post. I do think that asking three young children to be quiet in the morning is asking a lot. They're very young. Yes, they need boundries, but they also need to expend that energy that they have in the mornings. You just can't stick a heel on their heads.

You refuse to get up at 6 a.m. You fiance does. It's his JOB to get up with them. Being tired is all a part of it. Gonna happen. Too bad. (BTW, if someone told me that they refuse to do something, I'd toss 'em on their ear.) Those kids are interrupting your sleep? Too bad.

You seem to want to be a stepmother when it's convenient--as long as the kids behave and don't interrupt your sleep. Honestly, it makes me laugh.

...and what's with this whole not eating until 9 or 10? My kids would be whining and miserable if they had to wait 3 or 4 hours after they got up to eat.

Based upon this post, I don't see you as anywhere near ready to take on the RESPONSIBILITY of stepparenting. You're already complaining about stuff, and you haven't even started....

I am relieved that your fiance is getting up to take care of his children. Children of that age can not be left unsupervised for 3 minutes, much less 3 hours. Do you have any idea how much trouble a one year old can get into in the time it takes to go to the bathroom?

Have you discussed the situation with someone you trust who is a parent? Maybe an older sister or even your mother? I think your expectations for toddlers is extremely unrealistic. I dont think anyone with children that age has any realistic expectation of sleeping late.

Imani, I am going to have to agree with vivian, theotherside, and kkny on this one. You can not have 3 kids at those ages in a house and expect to sleep in. I have 4 kids at home, who range between 5-12, and my dh and I are unable to really "sleep-in" on weekends! It is just part of being a parent. Before you sign up for raising 3 kids you really do need to realize what your getting into. I already had one of my own when I signed on to raising my dh's 3 kids from his previous marraige amd it was a lot tougher than I had expected. Find a mother that you know and dicuss your expectations with her so you can hear first-hand what your getting into. Too many stepmoms grow resentful of their stepkids because it was not what they had expected and that is not fair to the kids.

Don't despair!! There's always a brighter side - when they're teenagers a train could come straight through their room and they still won't crack an eyelid!!!!! LOL! Of course, that's only if the train can make it through the treacherous terrain of a teenager's bedroom!!

With teenagers, the lack of sleep issue is on the evening side, not the morning.

Unless they have chores to do and then exhaust overcometh!!!