you need to have a heart-to-heart with hubby. Its this kind of problem that will rip apart a marriage. Tell him your issues and let him respond.

The SD is over 18, if they are in your house, they have to live by the rules. If that means writing it all down and having them sign an agreement, so be it.

If any child is able to go to college and willing to work hard at it, no parent should be unwilling to help pay for it. It is one of the most important things you can give your kid.

It sounds like you have a lot of other issues that need to be handled, but in my opinion any parent who can help a kid with college and doesn't isn't a fit parent.

guess i need to to give a little more input, we can not afford to help much to pay for my sd college, were paying for braces that her mother said she just had to have! I have went without dental care that I need badly but can not afford another papment, I wear reading glasses from walmat just so I can see to do my charting because we can not afford glasses for me, we have brought four pairs of glasses for my step children in the past two years just because there not taken care of, or even made to, and did I say I work full time just to keep us afloat, we live like aloty of people from pay day to pay day, I would not mind if we gave my sd her half of the child support to help with college, I know college is imporant, my dnl is going to college I watch her and my son and grand daughter strugle to live, we cant help them eather, I watch my daughter and her husband and two sons strugle, as well as my son and his son,I wish I could help them all, but thers never any money left even to take my kids and grandchildren to mcdonalds. I guess I sound jealous and I guess i am. my sd mother said she did not have to get a job that there will be plently of years for her to work! we brought her a truck its what she wanted, so she would have a means to get to work, I think any child should have to work I am very prould of the way my children went to work and kept up good grades in school, my husband said he told her mother that we didnt have the money but no one seems to care, my sd has never followed throu with anything she desides to do and i am sure college will be the same. yes theres alot of issuies here but my husband is one to not rock the boat, we build a deck painted a house and mowed grass for other people to pay for her truck, I keep asking him how come we are still paying the full child support for two kids when his daughter is over 18 he says he will get his divorce papers and see what it says thats been over a month ago, as far as rulls they went out the window the frist year we lived together, this is monday and theres wet towels in the bathroom, glasses and cans in there bedrooms and no one cleans there rooms, i gave up along time ago because I was always upset, its like I said I know I am jealous and its readly eating away at me, why arent mother expected to help I did it all! thanks for your response

Sorry I think I came off kind of harsh. College is important though. Buying kids cars is not important. That sounds like a bigger issue to me.

Your SD needs to file a FAFSA with the school she wants to attend and find out what kind of financial aid package she will be offered. If she is eligible for aid (and based on your side of the family's situation, it sounds like she will be), she will have to take out loans herself, then if there is still unmet need, the family will be offered loans. When you find out what the family contribution is expected to be, you can work out with her bio-mom what each family will pay, or go to court to have a judge decide what each will pay.

In situations I've seen, the parent paying child support no longer owes it to the custodial parent after the child goes to college; the support goes directly to the child to apply to the college expenses I mentioned before.

Your SD should have to work, apply for scholarships, and take out student loans to pay for her education, and keep her grades up. After that, it is her families' responsibilities to help.

You have every reason to be jealous. I hope your husband gets it together and minimizes his obligations as much as possible so that you two can get on your feet financially, and his children can learn to be financially responsible adults. It is unfair that you should go without the things you need. Try to have SD file that FAFSA as soon as possible so you can get an understanding of what your obligations will be.

It is also very reasonable to require SD to go to a public college instead of a private one - tuition is much cheaper at public colleges.

The first mistake was that you guys did give up. If you set rules, they must be followed. It takes work to make sure you keep that up but it's part of life. They're in your house and why should you clean up after them and do all the work? Would you have it for your own kids?

Your husband will continue to pay child support for his daughter unless she does not go onto college, at least that's the laws in most states. You said she does want to go to school but has she applied and is she going in the fall? If so, then he must keep paying. If not, child support can stop for her but you best contact a lawyer to be certain so you're not getting into a bigger mess.

As for paying for your step children's college expenses, unless it's somewhere in writing, you and your husband don't have to do anything. Your SD can go and apply for loans and put herself through school. It DOES NOT make you an unfit parent because you don't pay to put your child through college. I know many many people~ family members and friends~ who have gotten their own loans, put themselves through college and paid the loans off themselves. Has it hurt them? No. Do they hate their parents? NO. I think those who do it on their own often appreciate it more. They also tend to follow through with it instead of dropping out. Too many young adults are living an easy life having their parents pay all their bills and expenses while they party and do nothing. Years ago this would have been horrible but today people tend to think it's the norm. I don't think there is anything normal about supporting your kids forever so they never learn to care for themselves. You can help her a little here and there, like give her some money towards books or something but don't let her go whle you guys pay all expenses.

~Leslie~

Leslie, taking out loans and working to put yourself through college is very important, but if a young person's parents can afford to help with college, the person won't be given enough loans to cover it until she is 23 years old and independent from her parents. She won't have the option of taking out loans. And there is not a job that an 18-year-old can get that pays well enough to support someone, pay tuition, and allow enough time to study.

Colleges count the student's and parents' available money first, then give out gift money, then work-study and stafford loans (which are loans to the student), then give out loans to the parents. If the college says the parents should have the ability to pay a certain amount, and the parents actually can pay it (even if they have to make sacrifices) and refuse to, the parents have robbed the child of the chance to go to college for five years - that's five years they can't get back.

The financial aid system is set up so that the majority of the loan burden is placed on the child, as it should be.

It isn't the original poster's obligation to make sacrifices so the SD can go to college. But it is her husband's obligation to make the sacrifices for his child. Maybe you could separate your finances a bit until he is finished taking care of them, so you could use your money to take care of yourself like you deserve.

I don't believe it is the Father's obligation to sacrifice his or his family's basic needs for the child now that she is 18. Provide her with a roof and meals and maybe offer to pay for books. Parents need to quit thinking they owe their kids a college education. If you can afford to provide one for them, great for them and for you, but if you cannot and are not providing the essentials for the remainder of your family, than this is wrong. Dad needs to stop trying to "make it up" to the kids for divorcing their bio mother and set them on their feet so that they can become self sufficient and eventually independent adults.

My parent couldn't afford to send me to college, so I got a job when I graduated high school and luckly my company had a tuition reimbursement program, but 21 years later, I am still going to school. I took time off to raise my family and take a class here and there. Someday, I will go back and finish. I know it made me an independent individual and I am proud of that.

Sorry for the speech, just my 2 cents. Good luck

Hello,

First off - have your husband check his divorce papers. In the state I live in child support ends at age 18 or graduation from High School. If that's how it is in your state realize that he'll probably need to go the the Child Support Agency to recalculate support for the 15yo.

Second - just my opinion, I agree with the other posters who say she needs to search for scholarships, loans, part time job etc. Unless it is specifically stated in your husband's divorce decree that he must pay support while she attends college he is under no obligation to pay, especially if you are going without.

Here is a link to a site with good information on their messsage boards for child support and 'ask socrateaser' a lawyer who will answer your questions on legal issues.

Here is a link that might be useful: SPARC link

Thanks to all for the info, it sure is hard being a step parent, if we could turn back time I am sure I would have done alot of things different,we are not a family and never will be, I have tried to make us one shareing my childern and grand children and inculding his childern in everything! when we brought our home I made sure each of his children had there own rooms so they felt like it was there home also! rules was suppose to be set but never inforced, I would come home from work and find the house a mess clothes,shoes,popcan and plates where ever they left them while they ran off to do what ever, I tried talking to my husband he would just get mad and go clean up what mess he thought he should, I started haveing stress related problems went to my doctor and he put me on a antideppressed that only made me not care what the house looked like or much of anything else, my husband was fine with this cause I didnt cause any waves witch is how he likes things to be, I had no help with the house work,yard work,laundry cooking dinner anything even thoe I have told him a hundred time how I felt and still do when two people work they should share all the household work, his childern were never asked to do any work at our home only pick up after there self , my sd takes over the coumpter and telephone on the weekends, nothing is ever said, last weekend my father had a heart attack and my sister had to drive 20 miles just to tell me! we bouth get paid on friday by monday theres very little left for the rest of the week because he spent it over the weekend, we never have a day off together without his kids unless we have a side job to do, its all work and no play for us, I should have gotton out of this mess as soon as i relized that I would always be number 4, number 3 is his ex, we spent our frist annivastary with his kids cause the ex was going out of town with one of her boyfreinds, and he would not tell her no, I got my feeling ready hurt and went and stayed at a motel for the weekend, my input about his children is not imporant, he lets his son who was 10 at the time chew stuff even brought it for him, now hes 15 and hooked, hes got caught twice drinking, I told my husband how can you expect him to see the difference when you let him do other adult things, he got upset with me and wouldnt talk about it, if thers a problem with his children he is told to come to the exs house so her and her husband and him can talk about what there going to do, I am always left out, I spent my weekend takeing my sd to look for a prom dress in our area and because her mother kept putting her off, we paid for dress and i wasnt even asked to go to the grand march so i could see her in her dress! I was invited to her graduation the night before [ I wasnt told when it was ) I had nothing desent to wear and didnt have time to shop for something that maybe I could afford so I didnt go, I feel like the maid here one who has to hold down a full time job besides, ok now for my family they usuly come to vist on the weekend, my husband will take off with his kids to his mothers or where else they want to go and leave us setting hes also done the same to family of mine from out of town so they dont come to my home anymore, they say they dont feel welcome by him, my kids have stoped comming I go to there house most of the time, my kids have been very good to him remenbers him on birthdays father day, his kids dont even know when my birthday is, I dont want a gift just to be remenbered, sorry I have rattled on , thanks to all who answered just to have someone listen helps ps my husband and I have dated since 1990, in 97 we brought a house together and married in 99

Dear Beaver1,

I'm not certain the problem is with your step kids. I think the problem is with your husband, who seems to take for granted your concerns over what is going on in your household. It sounds as if you are on overload and terribly stressed out and I don't blame you.
I feel you need to rethink your marriage, and decide if this is what you want.Can you see this through til the kids are grown? It looks as if you will still have problems even after the kids are out of the house. Do you love your dh enough to weather this through all the years ahead, and do you have the stamina it will require?

Good Luck with your decisions.

I still don't think parents have to pay for a child to go to college. I have friends who are 20, 21, 22 and put themselves through college or are with no help from their parents. My cousin's have done it, too. You can get loans at 18 for college and yes, sometimes there is a part that the parents have to pay. My cousin is 21 and in her 3rd year of college. When they determine her loan amounts, they do consider her parents income but she has to pay that herself because her parents can't help. She works part time and was living with her boyfriend for a year. She paid for college, her car payment, insurance and the utlities for the apartment with the money she made working as a cashier at a local gift store. It can be done. I do remember my aunts telling me that if I went to college after I graduated I would recieve more help because I was independant and living alone. My SIL must have done pretty well, too, because she's lived off my BIL's income of about $20,000/yr for 2 years and didn't work a part time job. They're not hurting either because she graduated in June and they bought a house and recently had a baby with no help from anyone. I just don't agree with parents having to do anything. I have an aunt who's paying for the umteen million years her son went to school. Her husband is old enough to retire but can't because they have to pay these college loans, meanwhile, they're son is making almost double what they do! Another uncle of mine put himself in debt and works his butt off and can't get ahead while he's paid for 2 of his kids to go to college and the 3rd one will be going in a few years. The one girl is a pharmacist making great money, and what's their dad get? Nothing, not even a thank you and she doesn't help pay off the loans either. What's wrong with this picture? That's why I think younger adults need to take care of themselves. The more you have to do for yourself, the more you learn. There are too many young adults in the world who can't survive and are in thousands of dollars of debt because they never learned anything about saving and budgeting~their parents always took care of them. How many 20 year olds do you see driving around a $20,000 car that you know they can't possibly afford on their income? Like my grandparents have said, too many kids today want what their parents have after 20, 30 years of working hard and yet don't want to work to get there. So wanna know how old I am? I'm 22.

~Leslie~

I am 24. My mom was poor enough (my father is dead) that she only was asked by my college to put in about $2000 per year towards my tuition and living expenses. She could have told me to get a job and come up with that money myself, and I could have done it. But instead she worked extra hours to give me that money, plus whenever she visited she took me out shopping for groceries and extras. Because she helped support me, instead of working part-time and dragging college out to five years, and being too busy to take interships and help with research projects, I was able to dedicate all my time to school and graduate in three years. That reduced my loan burden a lot. Plus, I was able to start working when the economy was peaking, and because of the internships I took and the professional contacts I was able to make in college (because I had time and wasn't always working at some menial job), I got an excellent, high-paying job. So I was able to pay off nearly all of the student loans I'd taken out in college, start builing up my retirement account, and my finacee and I bought a house with no help. Then, three years after I graduated college, I was able to return to grad school, because my loans were nearly paid off, and my mom took over the remaining year of payments. In grad school I meet a lot of people in their forties and fifties who are just finally going back to school so they can have a comfortable income and the job they've always dreamed of. I am glad that I can start living comfortably and having a fulfilling career before I get to be middle aged. My mom is glad too!

So yeah, I could have put myself through college, but I wouldn't be in nearly as good a position as I am now. I probably wouldn't have been able to pursue as rigorous of a program, I wouldn't have performed as well, wouldn't have been able to take internships, I would have increased my loan burden by 25-40%, I would have started working later, at a lower-paying job, in a worse economy, and I definitely wouldn't own a home or be attending graduate school.

I don't think parents are OBLIGATED to help their kids with college, any more than they are obligated to send their kids to cub scouts or little league or to let them join the debate team and do school plays in high school or to let them take honors classes that require hours of extra study time. I just think that if they are able to help, and their child is willing to work hard, and they choose not to help, they are not very good parents.

Anyway, sorry original poster, for going off on a tangent. It sounds like you would love to help your own children if you could, and you sound like you are pretty generous with your stepkids too. I agree with Brooklyn Girl. You need to have a serious talk with your husband. Maybe the two of you could go a to a counselor/mediator and try to work out how you will handle the upcoming years.

Anita9

Sounds like you have a outstanding Mother. I just hope that now that you have that high-paying job that you are helping to make her life more comfortable as she did with you.