Should We Accept Child Support

24 years ago

From biological mom without a court order? Heres the situation. My stepson has been living with us for a yr now and weve been paying child support while hes been here. A week ago, his mom decided that she would give us a check in the amount of the child support we are paying. (It comes out of my hubbies paycheck) Yesterday she was going to give us a check but my husband didnt accept it cause he said hed wait until he got a court order. I told him until we can afford to go to court, he could have her sign something in front of a notory stating that she would pay the money. Should we just wait to go to court or go ahead and accept the child support from bio mom?

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Comments (5)

Moonlight
24 years ago
I would at least talk to your lawyer first, but it seems like your husband's court ordered obligation is satisfied by the garnishment. What she chooses to do with that money is up to her.
But you never can tell what a court will order...anything's possible, including being ordered to pay back that child support. It never hurts to cover your butt where child support is concerned.

I think it's commendable of her to give back what she doesn't need though.
ChristineNJ
24 years ago
Why do you have to wait until you can afford to go to court? I have been to court to get child support and it didn't cost much, we didn't need lawyers since the child support is determined by a chart anyway. I think I may have had to pay a few dollars for filing but that was it.

If she wants to pay you the child support you are paying her, then getting rid of the garnishment should be no problem. I'd probably take a check from her- then when you go to court you have evidence that she feels that she is no longer owed the support, just in case she decides to be uncooperative.
Good Luck!
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I see your point and have thought about it too. I never married the guy who's name is on the birth certificate (and didn't get married until my current husband last year) so nobody has ever assumed the role of father to my son. When my son was 2, I tried to take his bio dad to court so he could have visitation and my son wanted to see him. I knew he wouldn't be held financially responsible (because the law wouldn't allow it) and I hoped he would at least want to do a DNA test and see his son. He didn't and I had to let it go until the law changed in 2005. Fast forward to 2004-05 and my son was diagnosed with a tumor. I contacted his bio dad and asked for his medical history and he first said he wanted a DNA test before he would talk to me. Then backed out, got a lawyer and I had to file a paternity case to try get the info. I wasn't in it for the money at that point (because I didn't know if I could seek money) and I wanted him to get to know his son and for our son to have his medical history (and for him to show some concern for his son regarding the tumor) I have more concern over a stranger's child if they had a tumor or other medical problem than he had over his own son (and he knew it was his son). And as for showing up when my son was ten to take custody, i wasn't worried about that. When my son was 8, we saw his father and he shunned him. Just turned and walked away. He will probably never get a phone call from his dad and we've accepted that, but my son finished HS early and started college when he was 17. He's in his second year (Jr. College) and wants to transfer to a 4 yr. Anything I get for past support is going to pay for his college and a trust for when he graduates. I've never counted on the money and don't intend to keep any even though I have always worked several jobs to support my kids (so I think I deserve it) and he was given opportunities over the years to find out the truth. He's always known the truth but didn't want to take responsibility. Even when they ordered the DNA test, he tried to get the court to deny my motion because he knew the truth and he was worried it would make him look bad (to his church) that he had an illegitimate child that he refused to acknowledge. I admit I made the first mistake, but within a few months of my son's birth, I tried to correct it and legally I couldn't and he's used the "legality" to his advantage all these years.
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"And I hear a lot about SMs going on crusies etc. I dont." Maybe you should have said you choose not to...not that SM's get to and you don't! And your quotes about children attending college in intact marriages is pretty useless on a stepfamily forum. Maybe your dd won't complete college since your not in an "intact" family! Maybe my son will go into the trades and become an electrician or plumber and not need 4 years of college. Maybe my ss will open his own successful business and not need a 4 year degree. Maybe my sd will become the next famous choreographer since she is so good at dancing. Maybe my other sd will join the military and make that a life long career. A four year degree helps, but is not for everyone! I do hope that all our children go to college for four years, at least to have it to fall back on. As much as I wish we could afford it all it is impossible for us. Maybe my skids bm will save us all the money she should have paid in cs and contribute towards her kids college education!! (doubtful, but I forgot she does not HAVE to do anything and she is okay in your book because she is their BM and if she does not see fit to contribute financially thats okay, but if it were my dh not paying support and her raising the kids then you would be cutting him down) Whats going to happen with your financial deal with exh if your dd decides she doesn't want to get a 4 year college education?
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The huge problem is, as I have said, that he already switched to part time a while ago. So, when they calculate his average pay it will be at part time which was already half of what he was making but still able to take care of child support and what bills he needed to cover... and CS is 2/3 of his income so if he loses another 40% off of what he is now making... the money simply is not there. And he by far does not make 1000.00 a week. And sometimes for some folks missing a day is a lot of money so missing four weeks is still alot of money. And, that is not even taking into consideration that I will have to somehow come up with the money to pay for the health insurance that would have come out of his check (and eats up another chunk of his money) At the end of the day there isnt much of his check left between the two so anything taken away from that is not good for us. And, it is a minimum of 4 weeks that he will be out... there is no gaurantee that it will only be four weeks...there is always the possibility of complications and what not. I make more money than my husband in general so I have always been the primary bread winner in the family. With the addition of cs being taken out of his check towards the end of last year ... that meant I bring a lot more money into the house than he does. That is why when someone needed to make adjustments to their schedule and/or work less it was him... we calculated what he needed to work to cover cs and a few other expenses and made the decision to have him stay home because BM wanted to put the kids in daycare and for us to pay for it and that was simply not an option. Now, we have run into him being injured so what was already a minimalized check is in the red so to speak because taking away another chunk of money means everything is not going to be covered period.
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and a boy who has no right to find out who his real dad is? Define "real dad". My brother is my nieces real dad. He is *not* her biological father. If he and my SIL divorced and some new girlfriend thought he should not be paying child support because he is not her "real dad", he would kick her to the curb faster than you can say dna test. My niece, and your BFs son, deserve ***stability*** and they deserve to know that the people who have been raising them are not going to some day abandon them based on a biological technicality. And, yes, I mean a technicality, in the sense of something that doesnt really matter in the real scheme of things. If your BF didnt want to be this boys "real dad", he should have addressed that fact and had the DNA test long ago, before acting in the role of dad to the child. Ok, he didnt. If it matters to him, he darn well needs to do it now and do it soon, but do it knowing that he either takes on full dad role including paying support, including paying back support, or he is no longer the dad, period. If that is what he wants, thats a terrible thing to do to that child, imo, but its better to do it now than later. But its an all-or-nothing thing. He cant use it to get out of the financial support payments, and still get to be a dad to the boy. What if my partner isn't a donor match but there is a biological father out there who is a perfect match and could add years to the boys life? Well, what if? What good is *him* having a dna test going to do? The boys mother certainly knows whether or not there are other possibilities in terms of his biological father, and she is capable of asking them to be tested for a match whether or not your BF gets dna tested. If there is a chance of such a thing, then as the boys "real dad" (the one whos been raising and caring for him as a son), then I would think your BF might consider raising that possibility with the mother. Its not your business, either way, though and you obviously have enough of a personal self-interest in wanting him to not be the dad that you cant really give objective advice here. But taking me and our relationship completely out of the picture, what you are all essentially saying is that its none of your business. You have to let them deal with it themselves; you dont get to have a say. Then you can put you and your relationship back into the picture and you get to decide if the end result is something you want in your life.
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ThaiMommy
24 years ago
I think you should take the money also. As long as you can prove that the child has been under your care and not in hers. Just be careful. Have her sign something like you said. That way it can cover your butt until you do go back to court. You should go back to have the childsupport taken care of. Good Luck!
Sara351
24 years ago
I would say, go ahead and accept it! You may as well take it, if she's willing to give it to you. I would, however, still get it done thourgh the courts. Just incase she changes her mind. In the meantime though, if your son is living with you, you have every right to it, IMO.
Susnnn
24 years ago
I've heard of parents paying child support without a court order and then having to pay it again once the court order was in place. Anything that is paid outside of the court order can't be claimed as child support, it's considered a gift. As long as the child support is coming out of your husbands check and being dispersed to her, he is doing the legal thing. If she chooses to give that money back on her own, it would be a gift to your husband. Without a court order she can't say it was child support that she was returning to him. She's actually the one who needs legal guidance in this matter. Because your husband could modify the support order and he could receive back support if ordered since she has no legal proof that she had returned the child support. I say take the money, especially since your SS is living with you and the money would go to things he needs. But you may want to advise her to get legal help since this could adversely affect her and she could end up having to pay it all over again. It sounds as though she is being very fair in this matter so it would be good to let her know.

Should We Accept Child Support

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Moonlight

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