was I wrong?

19 years ago

I recently went on a mini vacation with my daughter, her soon to be stepfather and one of his kids. We left the hotel to go to dinner and he asked me if I would sit in the backseat while he talked to his 10 year old daughter in the front seat. (I quietly refused to move) ny fiance got angry with me and I was angry too because I would never ask him to hop in the backseat, when I need alone time with my daughter besides its not safe for kids to ride in the front seat at her size and age and I didn't like the message it was sending. I'm sure her mom never rode in the backseat

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Comments (6)

laurels4u
19 years ago
Good for you for not moving and being discreet about it! I would've been irate myself. If he needed alone time with the child, he could've taken her for a short walk while you and your child did the same. Was the girl having a hard time or misbehaving that he felt he needed to talk to her? If that was the case and he needed to address her privately, the car certainly wasn't the place as you and your child could have heard their conversation.

Take it from someone who's been where you have (and I quite honestly still am with a husband and SS): Had you moved to let the girl sit in the front seat would've sent both your future husband and his daughter the unspoken message that you were ok with being second best. Don't ever settle or allow children to manipulate adult lives.
sweeby
19 years ago
Not a great situation -- Your fiance should not have asked you to sit in the back seat for all of the reasons you and Laurels have already mentioned.

But after he did, I'm not sure that refusing to move was best either. I like Laurel's suggestion that he and his daughter take a little walk to have their talk, or maybe suggesting that they have their talk at another time where "her safety wouldn't be compromised by sitting in an unsafe seat". In other words, I think there were better ways to handle the suggestion than simply refusing to move, if that's what happened.

Then to step 3 - his getting angry with you for not moving. Also wrong.

Where's the maturity? The compromises? The willingness to act like adults for the sake of the children?
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organic_maria
19 years ago
You were not wrong for refusing. Very good of you to do it discreetly as well. Very wrong of your fiancee to ask this. It places you in the 'second position' . My hubby never asked me to do such a thing. When i'm not in the car, his daughter rides in the front. But when he comes to pick me up, she gets out and goes inthe back. Now adays since she has hit her teens she does it with a sour face but i smile and say thank you. You are the wife. Parents come first and have the authority. Not the kids. Whether they are biokids or stepkids. THey are UNDER the parents.
Good for you to not move and dont feel guilty about it.
I would speak to your fiancee about this and ask him why he would even think it was ok to place you in this position. My husband speaks to his daughter while she is sitting in the back. Its not like they will get any privacy for her to sit in the front and speak with him. You are right there listen to the whole thing. ANd if he did this to confort his daughter for whatever reason. WRONG THING TO DO ON HIS PART. Be very careful if this is the way he handles things with his daughter and you. Before marrying...iron out some things. Before i married i was very clear where i stood with my husbands children and i made it very clear on certain subject. inheritance, rooms....other kids..etc..etc...
Do you have full custody of her or is it EOW?
mum23
19 years ago
The ONLY time I sit in the back seat is when my son (18 and tall) is in the car, or we are on a long distance trip and I am close to DD (2) who sometimes can get irritable.

If my DH suggested I move for his child! I would turn to him, smile and say 'you are kidding aren't you?'
angelz921
19 years ago
I completely agree with sweeby and organic_maria!
josie37
19 years ago
I completely agree with the other postings. My HB has asked me also to sit in the back so his kids can sit in the front and I quietly say no. I don't think it is right for the wife to take the backseat and it doesn't send the right message. You are wife and your spot is beside the husband whether it be the step or your own children. My husband's one child still fights me for the spot beside his dad whether we at a table or on a couch. My husband has to tell him to move. I recommend don't ever start giving up your space beside your soon to be HB. I did in the beginning before we were married and the battle has never ended.

was I wrong?

Comments (6)

laurels4u

sweeby

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