Have you or your BF tried talking with her? Why does she dislike you so? Does she even know you? Although I've never had to deal with that kind of difficulty or direct nastiness with my DH's ex, there have been a few rough spots. If you are serious about this man, you will definitely be taking on his ex for at least another 15 years, so I'd encourage you to try to get to the bottom of these types of issues soon. There's another website that I have found very helpful over the years (www.bonusfamilies.com)...I'd encourage you to check it out. It has lots of VERY useful information on how to work together for the good of the kids.

Good luck!

"my mommy told me not to be your friend because your ugly"

That statement sounds like something a three year old would dream up based on misinterpreting something.

A mother is much more likely to tell their child not to be someone's friend (of whatever age or relationship) because the person is cruel, or dishonest, or mean - not because of their looks.

It does annoy me that every comment, every thought a child has is blamed on the mother. Three year olds misinterpret things. Children ARE capable of independent thought.

A couple of days ago I was talking to an acquaintance whom I do not know very well. She said her 19 year old stepdaughter was coming to live with them, and that this girl was lazy, preferred to sleep all day and stay up all night, and was an unreliable employee. Three guesses what the next words out of her mouth were - I guessed she was going to say them before she opened her mouth. "That's her mother's fault." THIS GIRL IS NINETEEN!! Aside from the fact that the description matches a rather large number of nineteen year olds, isn't she old enough to have her very own character flaws?

>>>That statement sounds like something a three year old would dream up based on misinterpreting somethingNo, really it doesn't. Three year old's are parrots! They do not think abstractly. They repeat EVERYTHING they hear...good or bad. If child had heard "your daddy's new friend is very beautiful", that's what she would have repeated to nic25.

You can always count on painful truth's from toddlers...ugh!

I agree that 3 yr olds repeat EVERYTHING. They would not think of that kind of comment on their own, maybe a five or six year old might. Older kids, definitely would, although I doubt they would implicate their beloved mom.

What you should tell her when she says that to you, is "I'm really sorry your mommy feels that way." and tell her how much you like her (the child) and hope that you can remain friends. It's terribly sad when parents tell their children to say such hurtful things to other people. My stepdaughter comes here and tells me how ugly her mom's boyfriend's ex wife is. She uses words like ugly and wicked and says she's mean. I don't know what she looks like, but I have talked to the ex wife and she seems very nice. She's invited my SD and her mom to her kids' birthday parties (that she hosted) but SD's mom doesn't like her, so SD doesn't like her. I'm sure she says things about me too but SD doesn't tell me about them. In talking to my SD, she has admitted that the ex wife has never said or done anything mean to her, but she keeps saying that her mom says that she talks about them behind their backs to mom's boyfriend. No matter what, she will take mom's side and that's what kids do.

It might help to talk to her mom or try to find out why she doesn't like you, but you are not likely to get the truth. If she has a reason for not liking you, then she would probably handle it in a better way, like talking to you or her ex, not sending nasty messages with her three year old. That is the immature way to handle it.

Also keep in mind that kids have their own feelings about situations and while it can be influenced by things their parents say (or knowing how their parent feels), they can also form their own opinions too. I don't think a three year old that is loving and kind to you would come out and call you ugly out of the blue (especially telling you that mommy said it) if she wasn't telling you what mommy told her. If she were older 7+, I would be more inclined to agree with TOS that she could have chosen to say that herself. Sometimes, kids will say stuff like that to get a rivalry going because they are manipulative in nature and if they know mom might be pleased that they don't like SM, then they get praise or attention from mom for saying those things. So, the 10 year old may feel that way because it pleases his mom or he may also not like that dad has a GF or probably a little of both. The 3 year old is heading in that direction if the mom is bad mouthing you, and if you realize that it's not personal, it helps a little. It wouldn't matter who your BF is seeing, this would be happening to any woman he sees.

If you can't figure out why mom is doing this (jealousy, insecurity or she thinks you have done something wrong), then the best you can do is try to forge your relationship with the kids and ignore the nasty comments but it does get harder, not easier. You can take a class or read books on step families (I'm reading a book called 'courage to be a stepmom' right now) and there may be support groups or forums like this one. Choosing to marry someone with children should not be done lightly. It's a huge decision, more so than the decision to get married. It's also a pretty big decision to just be in a relationship with someone that has kids because when it doesn't work out, it creates instability in the child's life. (if either parent has BF/GF's in and out of their life, it makes it harder for the child to trust and feel secure. They won't want to get attached because they won't think it will last.)

and TOS, it IS the mother's fault if she allows her 19 year old to sleep all day and not work,etc. It may not be the mother's fault the daughter is lazy, but it is her fault if she allows her to do it in her home. My 21 year old moved out because I stayed on his ass all the time and expected him to work (or be in school) and keep his room clean (along with a few other rules) and he chose to leave. My 19 year old son would sleep all day if I allow it, I also expect him to work or be in school and follow the same rules. He is doing what I ask and he's staying. But the parents that enable their children to do things are also to blame. You may not have those problems with any of your kids, but I also have an 18 year old daughter that works and does everything she's supposed to, just like you say your kids do.

How long have you been with this guy & are you SURE want a lifetime of this?

don't know what area OP is from, but here "ugly" is often used to describe behavior.

Nancy Jean:
"Those jeans make Lois's hiney look like the broad side of a barn."

Nancy Jean's mother/sister/aunt/friend:
"Now, Nancy Jean, don't be ugly."

There's not a thing you yourself can do;
engaging in it at all will only get you ensnared in their problems, & the more you struggle, the tighter the snare will become.

Boyfriend has to lay down the law to his ex, & even that won't be a permanent fix.

Someone who harbors this kind of spite & who fills her kids with it may back down temporarily, but it'll be a constant battle for the rest of your life.

I wish you the best.

I didn't mean to imply that the child was trying to be "manipulative." It is quite possible that someone said she shouldn't be your friend, and she overheard someone saying the OP was ugly, and put the two together. Or she could have come up with the ugly part all by herself. It wasn't even necessarily the same person. I just really doubt that an mother would tell a three year old that they shouldn't be friends with someone because they were ugly - most mothers spend a lot of time teaching their young kids, who often are scared of the very old, the physically handicapped, etc., that looks have nothing to do with personality or character. Perhaps sylviatexas is right, if she is from an area where "ugly" is used in that sense.

My first thought is why, if the mother doesn't like the girlfriend, is there a good reason for it? How long after the divorce was final did the relationship begin?

ima,

It is certainly neither of the parents' fault if their teenager wants to sleep all day and stay awake all night - almost all teens do. Luckily for teens, a lot of retail jobs involve working in the afternoon or evening, so they can sleep, if not all day, at least until noon. Is it your fault that your boys would prefer to sleep late? If your daughter is more responsible than your sons, is that your fault? In the case of my acquaintance, if anything was the parents' fault, why not BOTH the parents?

There is a biological data to support that teens have a different internal clock than adults. I see no need to make that into anyone's character flaw. And when my DD was 3, she not infrequently combined different parts of conversations.

Regardless of the cause or source of the negative comments from SD, it is perfect opportunity for you to impart a little wisdom about empathy and consideration. Next time something like that comes out of her mouth, you can ask her (in a nice voice, without any 'shaming' tone and without making the mistake of taking her words personally) a series of questions: "well, honey, what do YOU think about that?", and/or "Do you think I'm ugly? Do you not want to be my friend?", and finally, most importantly: "How do you think you would feel if someone said you were ugly or that they didn't want to be your friend?"

Asking these questions not only puts SD in a position where she must imagine how it feels to hear that (again, the empathy lesson) but also makes her aware that just because somebody else says something nasty about someone (if indeed it was someone else who initially said it) does not mean she has to follow suit. And certainly doesn't make the negative comment 'true'. She will learn better how to think for herself based on her own experiences. And if she was in fact the sole source of the negative comment, she will be forced to ask of herself how it would feel coming at her. All this can be done in the most loving way, with the goal of encouraging her to be a person of character and compassion while she is still this young. It's actually a great opportunity.

"most mothers spend a lot of time teaching their young kids, who often are scared of the very old, the physically handicapped, etc., that looks have nothing to do with personality or character.

You are correct, TOS - MOST mother's do, and all should. Some say it, but then contradict it with their words and actions, . . . such as SD's mom.
SD's mom puts a lot of importance on looks. While I spend my time trying to encourage SD to work on her 'inside' mom worries about if SD should get highlights, that she might be getting a little tummy, that shorter shorts than I buy would make her legs look longer. If SD meets a new friend (and I've heard this with my own ears) one of the first questions asked by mom to SD is "what does she look like?" AS IF THAT MATTERS?? Argh - as you can tell we have hit on one of my biggest issues with mom.

So yes, I can see this 3 year old parroting that back from mom's mouth. I heard similar things from my SD when DH and I got serious. OP, I wish I had a solution to offer, but there really isn't one. Anger and jealousy can bring out immaturity, and because mom can't strike out at you directly she'll use her kids to get to you instead. It's an awful thing for a parent to do, and unfortunately there are parents who can't see how shamefully wrong and harmful it is . . . they are only thinking of themselves.

The truth will speak for itself. If you prove through your actions and words that mom is wrong the kids will see that. It may take a day or it may take a year, but they will. They will also see their mother's true colors. Reply that you are sorry her mom feels that way, but that beauty comes from the inside and that is what makes a person a good friend. Tell her she is beautiful inside and that you really want to be her friend. Then go scream into a pillow because you are frustrated and disgusted.
As for the 10 year old, it will be a tough road. I would say to get involved in 'his world' - bike rides, video games, whatever. Make sure he has his own dad time so it can't be send that you are taking him away. Do your best to prove mom wrong with your actions, and keep your words positive.
I've been there - I feel for you. Keep your chin up and keep posting.

I would fully support the mother telling her daughter that someone was not a good person because she dated a guy who was married to someone else, if that were true, or because she drank too much, or drove recklessly, or mistreated puppies and kittens, or any of many other reasons. I am fairly certain that the child's mother doesn't dislike the OP because she is ugly (unless she meant it in sylviatexas' sense), so why would she give her daughter such a dumb reason instead of a more sensible one?

>>>so why would she give her daughter such a dumb reason instead of a more sensible one?Becuase stupid people say stupid things...and because jealousy brings out the worst in many. Period.

"I would fully support the mother telling her daughter that someone was not a good person because she dated a guy who was married to someone else, if that were true, or because she drank too much, or drove recklessly, or mistreated puppies and kittens, or any of many other reasons."

So, you would support me in saying that my SD's mother is not a good person because she is still married to her first husband and living with another guy now... not to mention that she lived with my DH and had my SD WHILE she was still married to her first husband? Or, would you consider my DH a bad person because he got involved with her?

(Oh, and she also drinks too much, smokes with her kids in the car, and has driven recklessly with her daughter in the car...)

and is my SD a bad person because she mistreats the animals? She is not allowed to get near the cats because she picks them up and swings them around and throws them... even though she has been told that it hurts the cats to do that. She has been caught looking around to see if anyone is looking and then tries to 'play with' the cats.

It's pretty narrow minded to label a person a 'bad person' because they have made a mistake or poor choice in life. The choice may be 'bad' but that doesn't make the person bad. That's a pretty terrible thing to teach your children.

"Becuase stupid people say stupid things...and because jealousy brings out the worst in many. Period."

That's the best explanation I've heard. Way to go, Nicksmom.

Well, that depends - is the person a child, and/or mentally ill? Was it a single incident of idiocy, or is there a pattern? Did your husband know that the mother of his daughter was still married at the time? One bad choice when you are a child or teen does not make you a bad person - a pattern of such choices as an adult may.

No, I don't think YOU should tell your stepdaughter that her mother is a bad person. Your husband could, except that it sounds like that would be a case of the pot calling the kettle black, if he did in fact knowingly commit adultery.

"f you prove through your actions and words that mom is wrong the kids will see that. It may take a day or it may take a year, but they will. They will also see their mother's true colors"

I'm sorry to say that it just doesn't work that way;
the dependency of a young one on its mother is way too absolute for the young one to doubt the mother.

Momma's always momma, & momma's always right.

Human beings, like other little critters, are born "knowing" that.

Years ago I read the most shatteringly sad story.

I think the main focus was "a typical night in an emergency room" or some such, but the part that got me was the description of a child who'd been brought in with horrible burns all over her body.

She was screaming in pain, screaming in fear, screaming for her mommy.

The person who had burned her?

her mommy.

Not nearly every mother knows how to be a good mother, but every child knows how to be a child, absolutely dependent on its mother, to look to the mother for sustenance, love, & protection...
& for learning how the world works.

If the mommy teaches the child that green is red,
that child will be convinced that green is red.

I myself thought for 40 years or so that I had brown eyes because my mother told me that my eyes were "plain brown", unlike my blue-eyed brothers.
My eyes are green.

It also took me until I was *over 50* to realize that what my mother did to me was physical, mental, & emotional abuse.

For all those years, I was tied in knots trying to please her, I was crushed with the weight of guilt that didn't belong to me, I thought I was the worst person in the world.

so I wouldn't advise OP to expect that the truth will dawn on these kids & they'll do 180's & start lavishing love on her.

& regardless of adultery, poor character, etc, no tiny tot should be brought into adult battles.

"No, I don't think YOU should tell your stepdaughter that her mother is a bad person. Your husband could, except that it sounds like that would be a case of the pot calling the kettle black, if he did in fact knowingly commit adultery."

What difference does it make who would tell her that her mother is a bad person? and SHE knowingly committed adultery, he was not married to anyone... SHE WAS.

Neither of us would ever say anything bad about her mother, no matter how true it is. She loves her mother and telling her that her mother is bad would hurt HER. Again... That's a pretty terrible thing to do to your children. (that's if you love them)

If she was married, he was also committing adultery.

As I have said many times before, I think that good parents DO tell their children that adultery is wrong, and that the parent who committed adultery was doing something that was morally wrong.

It is not the stepmother's business (or teacher, or next door neighbor, or aunt) to criticize the mother.

"I would fully support the mother telling her daughter that someone was not a good person because she dated a guy who was married to someone else, if that were true, or because she drank too much, or drove recklessly, or mistreated puppies and kittens, or any of many other reasons. "

and then later,

"As I have said many times before, I think that good parents DO tell their children that adultery is wrong, and that the parent who committed adultery was doing something that was morally wrong. "

It seems to me there is a HUGE difference between telling your child someone is not a good person, and telling your child that someone did something morally wrong.

Many times, TOS, you insist your husband IS a good person, who was just depressed and led astray. ITs rather unfair and hypocritical of you to suggest that a woman ,specifically a stepmom when it comes to you, is a bad person, while giving your husband a free pass.

A whole lot less judging about the basic person would be a better way. Condemning what they did may be acceptable, but broad sweeping comments about how they are not a good person is uncalled for.

That also goes for all the SMs here who have painted BM as being a "bad person". In some of these cases, it does seem as if the BM needs to grow up/get a job/stop being thoughtless/stop being angry. But that in itself doesnt make someone a bad person.

That is why I specifically mentioned mental illness in my earlier post to ima. I don't think I gave my ex-husband a "free pass;" there is no question that he WAS a good person until depression struck.

I suppose it depends in part on whether the stepmother in question is mentally ill. Possibly some of the stepmothers here are, though few have come right out and said so.

Fine, so I will rephrase this:

"I would fully support the mother telling her daughter that someone was doing things that were morally wrong because she dated a guy who was married to someone else, if that were true, or because she drank too much, or drove recklessly, or mistreated puppies and kittens, or any of many other reasons."

>>>Way to go, Nicksmom.Thanks, I'll be here all week.

As for the topic at hand....and correct me if I missed something here. I don't think ANYONE has ANY business attempting to tell a THREE YEAR OLD about either parents adultery. Maybe never. I can tell you what...I am 100% certain that my stepkids do NOT want to know about their mothers adulterous behavior....the one that eventually led to their parents divorce, that ultimately caused them to be moved 1000 miles away from a very involved dad....etc...etc...etc. Kids do NOT want to know that $hit about their parents. End. Of. Story.

Shouldn't you rephrase it "I would fully support the mother or father telling their child that the other parent had done things that were morally wrong...etc. etc."

First of all, in my first response, I did say "It's pretty narrow minded to label a person a 'bad person' because they have made a mistake or poor choice in life. The choice may be 'bad' but that doesn't make the person bad. That's a pretty terrible thing to teach your children."

and I also gave examples of things my husband's ex has done, I didn't say she was a bad person, but some of the things she has done are wrong... (and I don't think those things should be pointed out to her daughter, who loves her and might be hurt by hearing those things about her mother, no matter how true they are) But, your response to that was it's not okay for me to tell my SD her mom is a bad person but it's okay for her dad to tell her??? I'll repeat this again TOS...GET SOME FREAKIN' HELP WOMAN!!!!

You are NOT a good parent if you think it's okay for the parents to use their children in that way. These children did not ask to be born. They come into the world and want to be loved and cared for. They love BOTH their parents, in spite of shortcomings. But they are also a part of their parents and identify themselves with their parent and when they hear 'my parent is bad', they think they are bad. It pains me to think of the poison you have and are feeding your children. It's no wonder they don't go see their father and you are full of excuses that contradict themselves. He's a wonderful father and he only cheated because he was depressed but he doesn't support his kids and they don't go see him and it's all the other woman's fault.. oh yeah and the depression. You can keep telling yourself that but he's been with her almost a decade and the more you blab on here, the more it reinforces the belief that he knew perfectly well what he was doing when he left and while he's done things he shouldn't have, there isn't a doubt in my mind that you have poisoned his children with your 'truths' and the ones paying the price are your children.

and the original post is about a mother that tells a three year old not to like her potential future step mom. It doesn't surprise me that you would jump to her defense. It makes me wonder if that mother will eventually succeed in cutting off the father from her daughter's life or if she would be happier to know her kids don't like their stepmother... of course, she'll be ready to snap at her ex over every little thing she perceives the stepmother does wrong or doesn't treat her little angels good, even though she encourages them to treat the step mom like crap.

>>> I'll repeat this again TOS...GET SOME FREAKIN' HELP WOMAN!!!! You are NOT a good parent if you think it's okay for the parents to use their children in that way. These children did not ask to be born. They come into the world and want to be loved and cared for. They love BOTH their parents, in spite of shortcomings. But they are also a part of their parents and identify themselves with their parent and when they hear 'my parent is bad', they think they are bad. It pains me to think of the poison you have and are feeding your children. It's no wonder they don't go see their father and you are full of excuses that contradict themselves. He's a wonderful father and he only cheated because he was depressed but he doesn't support his kids and they don't go see him and it's all the other woman's fault.. oh yeah and the depression. You can keep telling yourself that but he's been with her almost a decade and the more you blab on here, the more it reinforces the belief that he knew perfectly well what he was doing when he left and while he's done things he shouldn't have, there isn't a doubt in my mind that you have poisoned his children with your 'truths' and the ones paying the price are your children.Go ima, go ima, go ima!!!! Way to call a spade a spade.

It does get painfully tedious around here sometimes, doesn't it?

It is wrong NOT to tell your children about adultery, and to let them think that their parents "grew apart" or some such nonsense. The last thing a good parent wants to do is cause the kids to blame themselves for the divorce. They WILL FIGURE IT OUT eventually, and then they will feel doubly betrayed. There is nothing worse than being taken for a ride, or having your parents tell you something that is an insult to your intelligence.

This really has nothing to do with my kids' situation, since their father let them know that he was living with TOW not only while we were still married, but before I was even served with divorce papers. In addition, some of the kids were older teens, and they figured it out immediately, based on his actions while he was still home. Do you really think a teen would not realize that her father had been having an affair when he was living with TOW right after leaving home, especially when he had been disappearing for hours, when for their entire lives he was always around? Do you think they wouldn't share that with their younger siblings? How on earth could anyone hide adultery from anyone over about 10, even if they tried?? The older kids figured it out IMMEDIATELY - literally as soon as they found out he'd left. Do you think kids are stupid??

Sure, you can hide it from a three year old, and I don't know if this is even applicable to the OP - she may not be an OW. There seems to be some reason that the mother dislikes the OP, and the "daddy doesn't love you" comment makes me think that it is likely that their relationship was still going on when the GF came into the picture.

"They WILL FIGURE IT OUT eventually, and then they will feel doubly betrayed"

How do you know how they will feel? My mom cheated on my dad and my dad never told me. I figured it out on my own and my dad to this day has never even told me how he felt about it. He didn't burden me with his pain and his adult issues. It was my mom's 'crime' and he let me deal with my mom and what she did on my own. If I never had to talk about it or even think about it EVER, I'd be just as happy... happier even. The last image I ever want is to think my parents ever had sex with each other, let alone other people. EWWWWWW!!!!

Kids will figure things out on their own and it's really pathetic that you would justify destroying your child's childhood by burdening them with the adult issue of their parent's affair. If they are old enough to figure it out, so be it. But when they are too young to figure it out, why would any sane mother WANT their child to know what daddy did? No, I don't think kids are stupid but see no reason to shatter their innocence. Do you tell them there's no Easter Bunny, Santa or Tooth Fairy? Keep on talking TOS... then nobody has to tell you how ignorant you are.. you show them yourself.

I have to disagree with you on this one, Sylvia - though your example broke my heart. My SD has reached a point where she can recognize her mom's actions and behaviors for what they are - selfish and self-centered. This doesn't mean she doesn't love her, it just means she doesn't respect her a lot of the time.

I know this because my kids have told me that there is nothing worse than being lied to by their parents, including lies of omission. They do not want their relationship with their father to be based on a web of deceit. The adultery alone did not destroy his relationship with his younger children - his unwillingness to spend much time with them, etc., did that.

So you agree that they will figure it out on their own? And once one figures it out, of course they will tell the younger ones. Otherwise there is going to be a huge elephant in the living room situation.

Children will love their parents in spite of what they do (at least up to a point). If they do not know the truth, then they do not love their parent, they merely love an imaginary person who does not exist.

>>>There seems to be some reason that the mother dislikes the OPYeah, remember...cuz she's ugly. Seriously, TOS, you assume WAAAY too much, especially when it comes to stepmoms. Remember, not ALL men are pigs who cheat....

>>>If I never had to talk about it or even think about it EVER, I'd be just as happy... happier evenMy point exactly...

JNM & Sylvia,
I see your points here, and agree with you both. I think Mom's tend to have the most influence on their children, because generally they tend to be the parent who physically spends more time with them. So, if Mom teaches them "that red is green, and green is red", that's what they will believe....for a while. Until they get to school and learn the truth. But during their tender years, what Mom said/did WAS the truth. And nothing could change that except maturity/growth.

My SD has figured out over the past year or two, that her Mom could not put her own feeling/issues aside, and give consideration to her daughter's feelings. My SD just cries that her mom is "stupid and hard-headed" and "just won't listen to me". Yes, she's figured it out. Now, I didn't have to tell her that, nor did her dad. And certainly, she didn't figure it out at THREE years old! And there is not ANY reason in the world that she should have!

Just like there's no reason a parent's adultery should be discussed with children...it's an adult issue, for adults to discuss. Now, older teens/young adults...they DO figure it out, or worse (catch the adulterer in the act!). But THEY are old enough to also realize that THEY (the kids) didn't make Mom (or Dad) do those things.

Children love their parents unconditionally....almost always.

>>>then they do not love their parent, they merely love an imaginary person who does not exist.So, what you are saying is that you have divulged EVERY mistake you've ever made, every thing you've ever done wrong to your kids? Because if you haven't, then they don't really love YOU, only an imaginary person that doesn't exist. Gimme a frickin' break, tos...and quickly get yourself to a therapist. Someone really needs to quide you through this painful rut that you are clearly stuck in.

I can say without any regret, there are things that I have done (in my wilder, younger years!) that my kids will NEVER know!!! Period. No reason for it. It will not make them a better, stronger person to know these things. But guess what? Them not knowing has no effect on our relationship. I do not think that full disclosure is necessary when it comes to children.

First of all, adultery can not be compared to some "mistake" made in one's misspent youth. When a parent commits adultery, and especially when he or she moves in with the affair partner, that constitutes continuing, present day, immoral behavior.

Everyone also seems to ignore the fact that if ONE person knows about the adultery, there is a good chance that the kids will find out long before they are teens. Wouldn't it be better to find out from a parent than from a neighbor's kid or their cousin?

Yes, I have shared most of my mistakes with my kids, such as accepting rides as a teen from people who had been drinking. I never actually had much in the way of wilder, younger years - my younger years were pretty boring.

I agree that heavy drinking/DUI's are harmful and risky to the child. I find it interesting, though, that awhile back when a poster defended her husband/BF's DUI by saying that they were no big deal, everyone has DUI's, she didn't get a lot of people (or maybe not even any, other than I) disputing that, although I imagine that there are a lot of people on this message board who have never had a DUI. How come it is ok for fathers to drink and drive, but not mothers?

The "ugly" comment ... SD's BM uses that with SD constantly when she is misbehaving ... so when SD gets mad at me she calls me "ugly".

EX. "you're being ugly right now"
EX. "why do you have to be so ugly?"

My old standby for when the kids repeat what their mom says is:

Mommy must have been angry when she said that and when people are angry they say and do dumb things.

"There seems to be some reason that the mother dislikes the OP,"

yeah, the reason is that the mother is possessive & jealous & if she can't have that particular man she doesn't want anyone else to have him either (sound familiar?).

"and the "daddy doesn't love you" comment makes me think that it is likely that their relationship was still going on when the GF came into the picture.

but then *every* comment (& every sleazy thing you can imagine when there isn't a comment) makes you think that.

TOS

Would you support me, a step mother, telling the girls that they shouldn't be friends or love their biologicla mother because she cheated on their father with Nat? (The guy who wound up strangling her.) Or that they should not be friends with her because she is a dangerous mental cas ewho is on drugs? Or that personaly, their father and myself both despise her and wish she'd fall of the face of the planet?

How far does "telling the truth" to kids really need to go and who has the right to make that call. If it's Ok for a bio to do it then it should stand to reason it should also be Ok for a step to do it if what is being told is the honest truth. After all, the truth is the truth no matter who it comes from right?

The OP's husband's ex obviously is a jealous ex who is guilting her children into hating the Step parent. And as much as some people use the term "eye candy" on this site why should it be surprising that a grown bitter woman would use the term "ugly". A three year old wouldn't understand unattractive.

Doodle, no I dont support that. If Dad wants to say it, it is up to him.

And none of the stepmoms here have negative to say re my Xs SO, who chased him for years. Some said it was all my fault.

No, it doesn't stand to reason. It is the father's responsibility to decide what to say about the mother.

KKNY said:
"And none of the stepmoms here have negative to say re my Xs SO, who chased him for years. Some said it was all my fault."

I can't speak for anyone else, but what I have seen is that you have been told to let it go and move on, not that it's your fault he left. If you are miserable and choose to remain miserable, then it's your fault if you refuse to let go of the past and move on. I'm not saying that's what you are doing, but that's an "if". I also haven't heard anyone defend or say good things about your ex's SO, I've heard it said 'who cares if she sunbathes all day and doesn't work, it's not your concern anymore.. get on with YOUR life and don't worry what she's doing'. It's pretty much agreed that most people think it's wrong to get involved with a married person and break up a family. I don't think anyone here will disagree with that. Would you like to hear negative things about your ex's SO???? Last I heard, you were saying that he is cheating on her... and the consensus was that what goes around comes around. What more do you want???

TOS said:
"No, it doesn't stand to reason. It is the father's responsibility to decide what to say about the mother."

So, YOU get to make the rules??? Hmmmm

Well, this is interesting... Doodle asked TOS a question and KKNY answered it.... then 8 minutes later, TOS answers it too. Coincidence???? Hmmmmmmmmmm

I did not read all the posts after your original one, but I have been in your situation.

I remember the time one of my sd's came home from visiting her bm to tell me that bm said I did a horrible job braiding sd's hair. At the time me and dh had just moved in together and it had been years since I had braided hair. It looked fine, but of course was not perfect. I was insulted but then realized that it was the jealousy talking from bm. I learned that jealous people make stupid comments like the ones your skids bm made. Take it as a compliment---the bm is so jealous of you that she has to say stupid things to make herself feel better.

Over the years there were many more things the kids would tell me their bm said. I just never reacted to the comments in front of the kids. As they get older they will realize that their bm is being mean when she says these things and they will form their own opinion of her behavior. They will also form their own opinion of you based on your actions.

Yeah, the parents do get to make the rules, when it comes to their children.

Goodness!

Neither parent should talk about the other. And it is just as wrong for a bioparent to talk badly about the step. Just because your a bioparent does not give you the right to bash the childs other bioparent or their stepparent.

I think it would be equally wrong for a bio parent or a stepparent to bash the childs other bio parent. Being a bioparent does not make it more okay to bash the other bio parent.

I just love how every issue on here turns into some twisted interpretation of what a stepparent should or should not do.

We are not discussing "bashing." I believe that one of the responsibilities of a parent is to teach his or her child right from wrong, which includes not ignoring immoral behavior on the part of the other parent.

so tos, are your children to think, as you claim you do, that their father is a depressed victim of a predatory opportunist female, or are they to think, as it seems that you've indicated, that he's a lowlife scum who cheated on their mother & they should shun & scorn him?

A child can not IGNORE a parent. Sorry. Even though the girls mom is an idiot I would jump their cases if I saw them disrespecting her. I am a good parent. I teach my kids that bad behavior does not excuse bad behavior. Two wrongs do not make a right. No matter how you try to justify it. You are teaching your children to be disrespectful to adults if they don't "like" something about them. That's wrong.

I am also very amused at the biased position you hold on only BIO parents being able to tell children "the truth". I AM the girls parent. I have more pull over what happens with them than their own mother. I will probably in the end wind up adopting these kids. The term Bio Parent does not mean the same as good parent and being a bio parent does not mean they have the best judgement or the childs best interest in mind.

Your views on telling the kids "the truth" proves that IMHO. I would never tell the girls as young as they are about all of their mom's issues. It would only confuse and hurt them. Duh. They're four.

My children know that their father committed adultery. I have told them that I am certain that he suffered from depression (and still does). They know that I believe that love is unconditional.

I'm sorry, I guess I missed where in the op adultery was even brought up? I though the issue was a samll child repeating a negative comment she possibly heard from BM.

what am I missing here?

Nic25, I'm so sorry for you, that must have broke your heart to hear such words from a child you care for so much. I would be tempted to ask BM if she really said that to the litle one next time she calls. Not much you can do about it I suppose, but why not flat out call her on it if she is telling her kids these things.

I don't know what the answer is, you could end up with a lot of heartache staying in the relationship if that's how you will be treated by the kids, unless you STBDH is willing to reprimand the children & insist that they treat you courteously & respectfully when in your & his presence.

As far as the whole aldultery convo I have no idea where that idea came from. I wouldn't assume that was case in a stepfamily household where children have problems adjusting. People get divoreced for LOTS of reasons, not just aldultery-geez.

Thanks - catlettuce

Things have not gotten any better,although my boyfriend and I have made another appt with our family therapist for an "emergency session" The weekend went on to include me being to shutup after the 4 yr old got off of the phone with her mother. after talking to her, she said mommy told me to tell that girl to shut up (i guess she heard me in the background)Her dad spoke to her and I talked to her while we were playing, about how words can hurt..ect.. Im not sure if i have a thick enough skin for all of this but im willing to give it a try ..we'll see how long I last.. thanks agin

In the future, when the child talks to his mom on the phone, can you arrange for him to be a room by himself? I think he should be able to have conversations in private.

I could be wrong but I read in the original post that the 4 y/o is a she, not a he.

Nic25, this is a real dilemma for you. If, indeed, her mother is dead set on alienating these kids from you, in all likelihood, as Sylvia wrote you on 7/19, they will be alienated from you. On the other hand, occasionally efforts at alienation fail because, as JNM wrote, sometimes as kids grow up, they begin to see the disconnect between what they have been told and the reality of their own experience.

Ultimately, you have to know yourself. Stepfamilies are not for sissies. When you have one parent actively attempting to sabatoge the household of the other parent, lots of hurtful things occur. It takes a VERY thick skin; you have to KNOW whatever the kids may say is not about you, but the result of a pathological dynamic between two people who couldn't figure out a way to live with each other before you ever came along. You and your BF/future DH absolutely have to "have each other's backs." This doesn't mean your BF needs to choose you over his children; it just means he needs to understand where his children's behavior is stemming from. The kids are victims in the war between the adults. The thing with wars is they only go on as long as at least two parties engage in them. This means your BF has to emotionally detach from his X and deal with her strictly on a "business" level. Stick to the legal agreement reached in the divorce; be as amicable as possible; if the X wants to play games with the agreement,document, document, document and let the lawyers handle it.

If you are a sensitive person whose feelings are easily hurt, you very well may want to take several steps back and really do some soul-searching. It may be that a man who already has children is not the ideal situation for you. That's OK. It isn't a character flaw or a reflection of your worth as an individual. I would ask myself, "Is this what I want my life to be if this is what life is going to be like with my boyfriend and his children?" If your answer is "yes" and you think you are up to facing the challenge of living a life with constant negativity from his children and their mother, then I encourage you to begin working to strengthen your internal reserves of patience and perseverance. You will need them. If your answer is "no," then for your sake, your BF's sake, and, most of all, the sake of his children, you need to gently and decisively, remove yourself from their lives and get on with yours.

I do not envy you this difficult and painful situation.