Winker,
Think about asking your 19 year old son to bring a friend with him when you plan a weekend outing.

No doubt you have talked to your 19 year old about how you don't like him picking on his 11 year old brother. What goes on between the brothers? Is the 11 year old making a pest of himself? or what? Is the 19 year old trying to look superior by making his brother out to be inferior? See if you can figure out what is at the bottom of what's going on.

Not clear about who the daughter is taking sides with. Do you take sides? You don't give enough information.

I know this will probably seem odd but my 19 son does not have any close friends. Next to no friends. Well, actually no friends. He has a relative who is a nephew of my sister-in-law that he has known since he can remember and they are friends but do not see each other but only once a month or so. My son is very intellectual and in college and seems to focus on college and that's about all. He stays up late and sleeps late. That's about it.

My 11 year old pretty much minds his own business but the 19 year old seems to think that it's his job to be the parent. This non-stop and gets quite frustrating. My husband, who is very tolerant and genuinely likes the boys, even sometimes indicates that he can barely stand it and goes away to another room or goes to bed early because it's so exhausting.

My daughter who is 22 lives with us and is in college and working. She is so frustrated by the 19 year old butting in and parenting the 11 year old that at times she really let's the 19 year old have it. It makes for quite an unpleasant weekend visit.

I usually side with the 11 year old but there are times when the 11 year old and my youngest (my husband's and my child) are are bickering and I agree with the 19 year old. I feel that I agree with him when appropriate. One example of the 19 year old's frustration would be in the car ride from the time I pick them up Friday afternoon and on the way home my 11 year old and the 5 year old will be playing with some little action toys or something in the backseat (not fighting) but playing on just and "elevated" level with no fighting whatsoever and my 19 year old will complain that the 11 year old is acting like little kid playing with the figures and that the noise level is too loud. I have told him that he should consider driving over himself or that he stop complaining at once. I have even sugged ear plugs and that I would purchase some. He thinks that the 11 year old is acting babyish by playing silly games with the 5 year old, and so it goes . . . every Friday that I pick them up.

He complains about the noise in the morining when he is sleeping (until noon I might add) and so on. I have told him that I cannot accomodate his needs with a 5 year old and 11 year old visiting and that either go to bed earlier or perhaps think about staying home one-half of the weekend so that he is not so bothered. I am not sure what is going on here.

I really don't want to tell the 19 year that he cannot come to visit. He needs to get away from dad and his girlfriend and have a family atmosphere where we eat together, watch movies, play crochet, canoe together, play board games, etc. You can tell that he really needs that, but on the other hand, if it makes it miserable for everyone else it's hard to outweight the bad. I'm just not sure how to proceed.

Winker,
Before I married the second time, I had initiated a family counsel meeting with my kids. When the family increased, the family counsel continued. The family meeting did not replace everyday talk, and although there was a time set aside to talk about important things (what was important to anyone), the family meeting was more about sharing. Sometimes we would have an activity, and sometimes we would just sit around enjoying each other's company. When my children were very young, the meetings were more about playing a game, or playing out a song and kind of doing an acting kind of silly thing. Most of all, our time was meant to be pleasant. But when the children got older--it was a very good time to bring up things that were of a more serious nature. Not everyone was alwas pleasant--but the idea was that if someone had something to say, no one could interrupt. We resolved issues together. Most of the time, someone was having to give in a little, so that someone else would be happier.

Have a serious kind of meeting with all the family together. Let all the family know that there is a meeting coming up and give everyone a clue what the main topic will be. Then let everyone take a turn to describe how it feels when someone is finding fault--even if they are not the focus of the fault-finding. Ask the family to discuss the topic. Everyone takes more than one turn talking--but there is no interrupting. Set up some rules of engagement. Make some resolves. When you see that the resolves are not being remembered--doing some reminding--in a kind way.

I know I make this sound easy. It is easy. But one meeting does not solve all. The idea is to keep the meeting going week after week. Keep the meeting short enough that no one gets bored. Do not use the time to lower the boom on your family. This is about--everyone is important.

So at the beginning you will probably not be real satisfied--that's ok. Keep it up. It's a great practice at getting along and resolving things. I can't say enough about this.

Winker,
Another thought on the subject of making improvements. When you decide you want to see some positive improvements in your home, and before you bring up your ideas to the family, think about some of the easiest things to improve. After the easy improvements are made, go onto the next. Positive improvements will encourage everyone to take these family meetings more serious. Success is important. So start out with the easy tasks. Let everyone bring up an improvement they would like.

I can elaborate much more...but only if I get some feedback.