Posted by imamommy (misshalk_2000@yahoo.com) on Tue, Dec 18, 07 at 11:38

book,
Perhaps tos & kkny would agree and suggest you send a bill for a new coffee table to BM instead of sending SD to her room. It IS BM's child and at the very least she should pay half the cost to fix or replace it. (especially if you are NOT her step mom, then you have absolutely NO legal ties that suggest you should eat the cost of HER child damaging your property)

My SD destroyed a coffee table too with a knife when DH and I were dating. He replaced it with his when he moved in and we got married. But, had BM said a word about how I handled it, I would have sent her a bill to fix it. Fortunately she didn't say a word. (and SD's punishment was pretty much the same, time out... no games or activities. She just sat on the couch the rest of the day, looking at what she had done.) She hates being bored and just sitting there.

imamommy,
I agree! Maybe since the BM doesn't want me to be the SM for fear that I might correct them on something and maybe teach them some manners...I should just send her the bill for any damage they do to my home!

Posted by hecallsmemom (My Page) on Tue, Dec 18, 07 at 11:26

*bites my tongue* ha! Very funny Ceph!
Sorry....

Bookworm, I can't blame you, I'd have sent her to her room too. Who teaches these kids to be destructive like this? I know it's not normal. I have an enormous family with multiple neices and nephews. Each and every one of them different and parented differently, but I can't see them doing something like that.

SD did something like that with a silver magic marker on the black fridge. Now I have "i LuV YoOh ZaCh", hearts, "UR So HoTt", and various and sundry other things on my fridge. Who taught her that this was acceptable?

hecallsmemom,
I think that because their BM has a very carefree attitude and doesn't seem to worry about what the kids do (and I am not saying that to bash the BM..I wish more than anything that she would take more responsiblity with raising her kids correctly) but the kids think that it is ok to behave at our house the same way they behave at hers. I can understand how that is confusing to them but I can't allow them to destroy my home because BM lets them at hers. Different house..different rules. It makes it tough though because if I correct them...I get that "I want my mommy" routine from them. They don't like rules very much. So far I have managed to keep my house from being burned down but I am starting to fear their visits because I don't know what to expect next. I refuse though to let them think that I am afraid of what they may do or that I won't punish them for doing it.
I think it boils down to them not being taught respect for other people's stuff. Being the other woman in the picture makes it tough to teach them to have respect because BM will always try to break down anything that their dad and I try to teach them.

Book, were you able to get the marker off? I've found normal cleaners don't work on marker all that well, but organic solvents take it off quite easily.
I use 95% ethanol to take marker off things in my lab all the time (we're always writing on glassware etc) and it doesn't take off paint or hurt most plastics. I've brought a little home a few times to clean up marker on my floor, my desk and on a blanket.
The STRONGEST booze you can find at the liquor store might take the marker off (since you probably don't have access to 100% ethanol)...

Isopropanol also works well, but is risker with paint. You can get 70% isopropanol at any drug store and get 100% if you ask at the pharmacy or search a few different stores. If you use it, test it in a hidden area first.

If, for some bizarre reason, you have chloroform, it's quite an effective solvent too... But it also might be risky with the paint.

Try ethanol.

That was actually hecallsmemom that made that comment. I just was quoting her. Good to know though about the ethanol...with 6 yr twins running around...I may need to pick up some! Of course like you said I probably can't find it...may have to check the liquor store.

I think it helps to talk to them. Using words on their age level, I'd explain, not just what the rules are, but why.

My SD was so upset because both of her parents ALWAYS gave her soda with dinner. BM lets her eat as much as she wants and DH would serve her equal portions to what he was eating (a lot for a 6 yr. old). Yet, after she moved in here, she came home on several nights she would cry about so and so at school teasing her for being fat and ugly. After talking to DH and letting him know how I felt (having struggled with weight as a kid also) and that we could change her eating habits, he agreed to try it. SD got upset that now, she was going to be only getting skim milk or 100% fruit juice with dinner. She complained to her mom, who then called DH to tell him how mean I was and that I was "picking" on their daughter. I have sat down with SD several times and told her I know she likes sweets, I do too. But I feel sad to hear her cry when the kids tease her. After she had thinned out a little (helped by a growth spurt), she said nobody teases her anymore. It also is helping her make better choices when eating. If she's going to have ice cream after dinner, she'll skip her carbs (usually the fries or rice) and make sure she eats her protein, fruits & veggies first. She knows that no matter what I do or say, I have a reason for it and I'll always share the reason with her.

It takes time and lots of patience to build the trust sometimes. When she used to cry, "I want my mommy." I would say, "yes, I know you do but your mommy isn't here. I'm gonna have to do." It also helps to reinforce that you know they love their mommy and mommy loves them. Even if the BM isn't "territorial", sometimes the kids feel loyalty conflicts anyways. They may feel guilty over it.

Agreed, Ima!
I also think that knowing why a rule is in place is important for kids (and adults too). And "because I said so" is NOT a valid reason!
My 8yo nephew wants to know "why?" for everything he's told to do or not do. Recently this has included:
"But why can't I kick the seat in front of me at the movies?"
"But why do I have to brush my teeth?"
"But why isn't it funny for me to stick my tongue out in the family Christmas photo?
"But why can't I tie the dog to the Christmas tree?"
"But why do I have to be quiet at the library when I can be noisy at the pool? They're in the same building."

Once it's explained to him that these aren't just arbitrary things that grown-ups have made up to maximize his childhood torment, he usually listens quite well.

The best part is when you can shoot your kid a glance and the kid will recite back to you - "I know, I know - Don't talk in the library because people are trying to read and the library is suppossed to be a quiet place. If I have something important to say I can whisper it in your ear or write it down or wait until we go outside again. I know!" *Then* you know you're making an impression!

Ah... the "mama look"! It's the most important tool of mothers everywhere.