westwinger,
Have you exhausted all your options, and simply decided you want out? That seems to be the tone. Is that right?

Dear brass tacks,

I have done all I could think of to keep this family together. I can longer go on with my current life style
for it is destroying me from head too toe.

westwinger,
Just a thought, if you haven't already initiated family counseling it may help--it may even help a judge feel some sympathy for you. It sounds like you need it.

westwinger,
Another thought, you are thinking about the future, and of course you know that is a normal concern. You are even thinking you don't want another relationship, and under the circumstances no one can blame you for feeling that way. However, you may benefit from some counseling--even though you may only learn that you are an ok guy. You might learn how you got to where you are. Bad things can happen to good people--we all know that. But the how's and whys we don't always know.
We're here...we may not often respond with anything helpful--but maybe we will.

brass tacks,
I have gone through marriage couneling and personal counceling as well, but it has not helped the cause in any way. After the sessions I am critizied that it was all about me. It just didn't work.

I have heard of a book but have not read it call The Ten Stupid Things Men Do To Mess Up Their Lives...and evidently one of them is to rescue a damsel in distress...because then you have a distressed damsel on your hands. It is written by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Might be worth at least taking a look at it.
I hesitate even mentioning this, because I know that there are many wonderful women who find themselves in the situation of being a single mom, and struggling, and I do not want to discourage good men from making a life with those good women who find themselves in this situation.
It sounds as if you may want to get some really good legal advice regarding your financial future in this, if you are going to divorce. Perhaps there are other men who have been there that could offer you wisdom, advice, and friendship during this hard time.
I wish you better days ahead.

Thank you all for your advise, but today was the straw that broke the camels back. Somehow a heated arguement started and some nasty things were said. I in the heat of the moment told her to get a good lawyer, and she responded with, "I would have so many stories of abuse that I would never recover". I have never touched the kids or her. It will get messy. The future does not look bright. Why would she say such a thing? It's pretty clear she will will stoop to anything. I am not looking forward to defending myself from these kind of accusations. As I write this she has all the kids in bed with her, and maybe addressing what they should say. I could be jumping the gun on this, but it is really getting to me.

it would be interesting to hear your wife's perspective..don't get me wrong why I say that either...but often I know when I am telling a girlfriend my troubled stories my husband has a completely different version and it is almost like...were you there...her story could be that you were prince charming who promised to carry her away from this abusive ex husband, said you would take care of her and to not associate with her ex so she did that and then you were upset that she didn't nail him for support...see what I am saying..I am playing devils' advocate here..she may unknowingly think that YOU wanted her to leave the ex alone (taping phone calls etc? jealousy perhaps?) so she didn't pursue the support...most women would gladly nail an abusive ex with a large amount of child support as their way of getting back for years of abuse...funny thing is when you are in an abusive relationship you THINK you are, when you are away from it you KNOW you were! (speaking from experience too)and you learn to stand up for yourself which she should have done with her ex with your support. Don't take her threat today as the gospel either...we women say nasty things when we are heated and we don't mean half of it..we say what will get your goat...if there was abuse by the way and she does say you physically or sexually abused the kids and never reported it earlier she looks negligent and it is pretty obvious it is slanderous and nothing more so hold NO merit in that. If you have tried the councelling route with her to no avail...work on yourself. I just started reading "self matters" ok men groin, it is a dr. phil book...but he says in the first couple chapters something that really hit me last night myself..too often we live our life to please others and lose what WE want.I saw that with a girlfriend of mine a few months ago..her and her boyfriend split..she was devastated but found herself doing things she hadn't done in years..things SHE wanted to do that her boyfriend didn't like etc...my advice...wait till things settle...write your wife a letter listing all the issues of concern and worry...list them matter of fact..not accusingly (men are from mars (book)has a great section on letter writing by the way and give it to her...then leave it...and do what YOU want..give her space to let it sink in so she isn't guessing what is bothering you..and do what you have missed out on...go for walks, play golf, go to the gym, have dinner with male friends...live your life..make YOURSELF happy..if she wants this marriage she will do her part in helping it...by the way. sounds like you don't have a chore chart for these kids...we have 5 children amongst us and the cleanest house you could ever see...each of the kids has a daily chore chart and each is paid weekly according to their age and chores...eg..the 8 and 9 year olds get $5 week and the 12 year old gets $9...if chores aren't done they lose 50cents per chore not done or not done properly...they lose $1 for bad behavior (after one warning)...money motivates kids..maybe it will motivate yours...and if the eldest is putting holes in the wall teach her a lesson...now some mom's won't agree with this...but something that doesn't cost a fortune of hers that she values...sit her down and say you value your home. value cleanliness..and want it without holes in the walls..if she laughs and mocks you, take her item and break it..she will get the point quickly cause she knows you mean business..kids want rules and expectations..my eldest son is living with his dad right now..he loves and hates it at the same time.he is 15..he likes that there is no bedtime, unlimited computer etc..but I have also heard him complain to his dad that there are no rules, no chores, no expectations..and he does what he is told when he comes here..he knows mom's expectations and that mom will never change..that consistency is a good thing..hope i helped by offering a female perspective..let me know.

westwinger,
A deer ran across my yard night before last and ran into a car. All day today the vultures have been devouring her. Sound like anyone you know?

Get your ducks in the water; you don't want to be a sitting duck. You have a dysfunctional family, and unless you have the desire to see your family as a functional family--get out before more harm is done to all.

Some people decide to make the best of a cituation just because the alternative is too unbearable/painful.

You don't understand your wife, and she doesn't understand you. She may see herself as a victim and you might think that feeling would be unfounded. But you have to understand that her reality does not have to make sense to be real to her. Just like you feel you have been a good man and done all you could for your family, that is your reality. Your wife might not agree with you.

Here is something else to consider. Your 10 year old was 7 when you married her mom. You said that the wife's X disappeared for 5 years. There are two younger children--so how old were the children when they stopped seeing their dad? We don't know what kind of life the wife or children had prior to you coming into their life. It is very possible that the children and especially the oldest child have acquired some status before you came on the scene. The loyalty and protectiveness that they feel for each other is probably strong--especially with the oldest child. When you have a heated disagreement, or criticize the mom or the children, you spark something. There are issues involving the fear of abandonment and rejection, whether those feelings are verbalized or not.

Let's get one thing very clear...a person that thinks they are a victim are usually very, very manipulative. Westwinger, people don't have to stay that way--but they have to become aware of the harm they are doing to themselves and others--how they are affecting their whole family, etc. There is help!

Even though you may be discouraged to the max, and feel there is no hope--there is hope--but the two adults in this family must get help--you and your wife are not able to help yourselves. The two of you need to agree that you are both unhappy and want to be happy. It is possible, but the desire and willingness must be there. Honesty versus denial, ya da ya da.

You said that your wife says that you have to earn respect--you did not elaborate, so trying to understand her from (way far off!) a distance, this theory that she has could be interpreted as meaning that the children need reasurrance from you, that you can be trusted--trusted with their hearts. You, sir, are the outsider.

You provide for your wife and her children and you expect some appreciation. Instead you come home to a war zone. Is your wife home all day? Are you expecting more from her than she can deliver? Does she manage to have a meal ready for you? Does she show any interest in you? Do the two of you share any interests? When you speak of your home as a war torn village, are you talking about toys scattered--those kinds of things? Or does it appear that your wife has no handle on what is going on?

If you would be more specific, you would get much more helpful responses.

You see, westwinger, your family does need some counseling--even though you've been through this--it was not good enough, or long enough. I've not known anyone that had a positive experience with counseling that was able to come away in less than years.

Whatever you do, stay calm. Go see a doctor and tell him what you have been experiencing--ask if there is anything he can give you to help calm your nerves. Your wife could no doubt use some of the same.

I would like to respond more, but need more specifics.
Hug the kids. Hug the wife. Hire a housekeeper. Get a nanny. Send your wife looking for a job. She can pay for the housekeeper and nanny.

"Hire a housekeeper. Get a nanny. Send your wife looking for a job. She can pay for the housekeeper and nanny."

Now why on this green earth would one want to abandon obviously stressed, frightened children? THAT'S your solution? Get a job? Huh? I am SO totally confused by that remark.

"I really dont't agree with my wife's theory that I have to gain her respect."

Another statement that totally baffles me. Of course you do. Respect isn't just handed over by ANYONE--let alone a 10 year old girl. Yes, your wife should insist upon her treating people with respect, but you are not just anyone. You are an authority figure in her life FWIW and to expect that she's going to just obey you because you married mom isn't reasonable.

Outside of this I have very little comment. This is another one of those common situations on this board where there is a whole 'nother side to the story that we don't have.

Besides, I think that you have already made up your mind about things. Get yourself to a medical professional. I don't know that medicating yourself is the answer. Definitely get yourself to a counselor--alone. If you're ending your marriage, she and the kids don't need to go with you.

....and don't date anymore women with children.

Vivian,
Yes, hire a housekeeper, get a nanny, and send the wife looking for a job. Vivian, in case you didn't read the post well enough, westwinger has had it and he can't take the pain of it all any more. Something has to change for Westwinger to feel there is any hope. Hope is the only thing that keeps people in painful cituations--loosing hope is the one ingredient necessary to keep trying. For all we know, the wife is working--or sick, who knows. Perhaps the wife would actually like to have a job. Don't pass judgement. Besides, there are other reasons a job would be a good idea. For some reason, some people think that the worst thing that can happen to children is for a mom to be gone. You don't know. You don't know if the mom is treating her kids like dirt because she is so unhappy. Hmm? If a mom comes home to children well cared for and a home that is looking good--she might be better equipped to handle life. Not having to do laundry, clean the house, etc. can be a big relief to a woman. For all we know, she may not enjoy being at home with children she can't handle. I don't know. I'm just trying to help.

About you putting down the idea of a medical professional. Obviously, you've not had a positive experience in that regard.

Hopefully, westwinger will share more.

I don't know were you came up with the sexual abuse. Is was offensive that it was the first thing that came to your mind. I would never do such a thing. My home is a war zone. The furniture is destroyed and the house is in need of a lot of work. I will not defend myself in these matters. As for meals, I haven't got one made for me in three years. I get the left overs when I get in. I have done my share in trying to maintain a desent household, but to no results. I work long hours and am on call 24/7. Somedays I am in 3-4 different states. I get about pratically no sleep, may-be four hours max.
Today was horrible day. I spoke to my wife in the morning, but it got really heated, so I cut it short. My assistant later told me she was calling every ten minutes. How embarrasing is that. I was told to take sometime off, but I declined. Panic was starting to overtake me. My staff must have noticed, because a doctor was sent to my office and gave me some pills to help out. It did. I found the panic very strange, because I have been in alot more intense situations. I guess the personal problems are the ones you really feel. I called my wife to try and stop the constant phone calls to the office. She needed to talk. it sounded like she was worried about me leaving, but somehow I got the impression that it was all about money. You had to hear the tone in her voice to really get what i am trying to say. The sad truth is that I would rather be at work 24 hours. My home life is non exsisting. The lack of respect I get unbelievable. You say I sould be hugging the family. They are not even at the door to greet me when I get home. Please don't use the fact that my job is to demanding, many the time I have brought them along with me on business trips. I try, I really do. I am not a jelous man and the phone tapping was to get info,which came in useful. I relly think I am only there for the money, since she has no problem spending all she can. She has a hobbie. It is sewing,but she buys loads of fabric and never uses it. I know it may seem hard to believe all that I am saying, but know one thing. It is all true.
Thanks again.

Brass tacks, I work for 2 surgical groups. I have plenty of respect for medical professionals of all sorts. What I said was to ABSOLUTELY go to a medical professional. There are many physical conditions that can be brought on by extreme stress and yes sometimes medication is helpful, but that is for a doctor to decide.

And frankly, I find it surprising that anyone would believe that it's best for a parent to NOT be with their children. That is her job--and the only one that matters. Who knows what kind of parent she is? But I certainly don't see placing her children in someone else's care as any form of solution. That's desertion at a time when these children are OBVIOUSLY stressed.

Nope, time for Westwinger to cut bait. He's having panic attacks and obvious depression. There is NOTHING good to come of this situation. The mother needs to deal with her children. He can't save them. He needs to save himself right now, and the wife needs to be a mother to her children. Period.

If the parent is not willing to parent their children, the stepparent certainly CANNOT do it.

I said it before: Westwinger, get to a counselor. ALONE and VERY SOON.

westwinger,
Callmerae meant that some women will make up horrible lies to get what they want. You'll see that if you re-read her post.

If you have a joint banking or checking account--get your money out of those accounts. If you have charge accounts, etc. take the action your attorney advises. Otherwise--you know what could happen--and usually does. Her attorney would advise her to do that. (creeps) Take over paying the bills, and handling the money. Stay non-combative. Get to an attorney right away. He'll advise you. Don't tell her what you are going to do. If she feels like acting like an adult--forget it. It will be only temporary--as she knows how to act to get what she wants and then she'll go back to being herself. If you should decide to get a motel room, do that only under the suggestion of your minister, your doctor, or attorney. Cover your rear-end. If you simply abandon your family, that is surrendering your claims or rights. The sooner you meet with an attorney, the sooner you will know first-hand what you can expect. That is something you need to know for your own peace of mind.

Whether or not you go through with a separation--get the facts. It may help you with your timely actions.

You say you don't get more than four hours sleep a night. I hope you find time for a nap and other ways to refresh your mind, body, and spirit. I still believe that you need to have medical intervention. Stress can be the cause of some pretty baffling maladies.

Westwinger, see if you can treat yourself as if you were your own doctor. This is not the place to get quality help--and doubtful that you have time to read some helpful books. You might as well not care about how the kids and wife trash the house--what's the use. It just upsets you and everyone else. The larger picture is that your wife does not regard you. She allows the children to run amuck, etc. and the home is toxic. You might as well let your exit be as peaceful as possible. Your wife wants to blame you for everything--what does it matter. She and the children don't respect you--and it's pretty obvious she doesn't know how to be loving. oh that's right--you haven't earned it.
I have to get some sleep--have to be up in about five hours. I'll return tomorrow/Sat, and hope you will be ok.
You've been on my mind--hope I can sleep tonight.

"and she responded with, "I would have so many stories of abuse that I would never recover". I have never touched the kids or her. It will get messy. "

Please don't be defensive when I said physical or sexual and think I am thinking the worst of you. My husband's ex accused him of sexual abuse because he has daughters and had to take a lie detector..the kids were talked to and taken to a dr. and found nothing...reading on the interet it is quite common for women to claim this to get even..don't take it personal..just be aware of how bad SOME situations can be.Focus on yourself right now...there is a herbal product that i take when I am stressed and can't sleep...5-htp...it will mellow you out, make you sleep well so you can think clearer. Talk to your wife about the chore chart idea to get the kids helping to pitch in...it is true what the other man said too,...cancel joint accounts/credit cards etc....have you asked your wife to go for dinner..just the two of you...SOMEONE has to take the first step to work together and to show her you do care, but have concerns..write your letter...talk about the positives and the negatives and try to make them even so she doesn't get defensive...I am a woman but I do have to say that her getting out of the house could be a good thing. I work full time and have 5 children. My job is flexible enough to be home when they leave..and hubby home when they come home but the space is good cause in all honesty she may be a stay at home mom now but what exactly is SHE doing? if the kids are running amuck, the supper isn't cooked, the house is destroyed etc. she isn't exactly beaming to be at home or has given up...a job, a hobby together etc. could take her out of her uncontrolled world.

ps...the way to end her constant phone calls is to say I am really busy right now but hearing you out is important to me. Can I give you ten minutes to speak and we can discuss this further when I get home...women are communicators..if she can't get through she keeps calling cause she wants to talk...let her vent/communicate then say thanks for telling me your feelings, it gives me something to think about and I will discuss this further when I get home...women want their feelings validated..even if you think she is out to lunch...just hearing her out will make her feel better...you will be surprised and I promise she won't keep calling.

Got paged this morn. at 3 in the office by 4.
My staff was all their to greet me. I was amazed when they told me that they would nver leave my side. As I felt my eyes swell I thanked everyone and rushe dinto my office and crid like a newborn. A knovk on the door stopped that pretty fast. Quilckly downed a couple of pills and asked for entrance. A man who looked alot like Hemmingway, but better dressed acme in .he was a phyc/doc. we spoke for awhile and I felt better. As I thanked him I asked, why did you comr from so far at such an early hour. He responded " I was very suprised at how concerned you staff was about you. That is a very rare today. Look at them on a Sat. here like they have to be. They are here for you. You are a good man, be sure to stay that way ,and never let anyone tell otherwise. Thank You to all once agian for your support. By thw way I sent hen all home, I am going to finish this post and take a nap. Cheers.

sounds like you have a great support group at work..I have been wondering how you have been doing but saw no posts on the weekend so I thought I would let you know that I was thinking of you and I am sure many more on here are too..I hope you are doing something for yourself. Have you tried any new forms of communication that we suggested? did it help? take care of yourself..join the gym..it is a great source of relief! (and some even have punching bags too!)

Westwinger, I feel for you!! My guess is that the children's father may not have been abusive either... My DH's ex took the kids from him and moved back in with her parents. Then she started making up allegations of abuse. After I came into the picture, she accused him of sexually abusing his daughter and drugging his son. She has since married and had a child with her new hubby. He thinks that my DH is an abusive/child molesting b*st*rd, and he (ex's hubby) helps her keep the children from my DH. (He hasn't seen them in nearly 3 1/2 years.) When things go down the toilet with them (which I'm sure they will) he will be in for a rude awakening.
My Hubby is much like you, a hard working, good man who just wants to come home at the end of the day to a clean house and a hot meal (and a happy, well looked after family).
Some women just suck. (To put it really eloquently). If she is already making those types of comments (about abuse) be prepared for anything. Consider keeping a running log of your activities (where you are and when)...especially if you split. You never know if/when she might accuse you of something, and if you keep a clear/concise log, you will be able to show it to police/judges if necessary.
I really do mean be prepared for *anything*. In the last three and a half years, We have received over a dozen calls & visits from the RCMP, because of her false accusations. (Everything from child abuse (at the last visit) and stalking, to arson and B&E (we both got finger printed for the B&E). She even got an emergency protection order against him (including the seizure of his hunting equipment) based on false pretenses...he was away working, when he was "witnessed" at her house.
If it does get that messy (I really hope it doesn't) remember to always be polite/respectful to the police (DH appologizes to them when they call, and explains that he's in a messy access dispute, and every time we get close to going into court, she does this..."I'm sorry that she is doing this again. I know how busy you guys are already."). The police are smart...if you are decent to them, they get to realize where the problems lie. (They still have to follow up on every complaint...but they get to be very good to deal with. They also understand that it's very frusterating for you.)
Whatever you do, don't move out. (It may be tempting, but it weighs heavily against you when/if you go into court.) It may also be helpful to get a mini recorder and keep it with you. (Check your local laws, for useability.) In some states/provinces recordings are admissible as long as one party involved in the conversation is aware of the recording. In other states/provinces, both parties must be aware for it to be admissible. If only you have to be aware, then you may be able to get some good evidence for court. You might be surprised what stupid, self incriminating evidence can be said in the heat of the moment. If you do get something on tape make sure you log the date and time when the conversation took place. (DH's ex told him she was going to make him pay, make him hurt, that he was never going to see his kids again because he didn't deserve them if he wasn't with her, and when she accused him of sexually abusing his daughter she said expressed her anger (with colorful language) at his decision to file for joint custody, and then tacked on the accusation. Unfortunatly, we learned too late that we needed a tape recorder, and never got any of it...without a recording, it's just a bunch of 'he says/she says' and the courts, almost without fail, go in favor of the mother.

You have an uphill battle ahead of you, no matter what you decide, but I'm glad to hear you have such good support from your staff. They must really care about you.
Take comfort in the knowledge that you are a good man. Things may get worse before they get better, but they *will* get better.
With kind thoughts,
Verena

"It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence to be ever in view and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words, 'And this, too, shall pass away.' How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction."
-Abraham Lincoln, addressing the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society in 1859.

Thank you all for your concern. Sorry about mt typing on my last post. I never realized it was so bad. Doc, gave me a bit to much ativan. Try to stay away from the pills as much as possible. Callmerae, "If you saw me work the bag for the last few days I think you would run and hide. It might have to be replaced soon". [I just laughed, been awhile] Nice to know you have been thinking about me though. I am doing well over all. Still quite sad, but moving on. Looking forward to the weekend. [World Cup]
The wife is begging me back, promising change. I not to sure about that. I'm getting used to the hotel life.
I must say being "single" feels srange yet in a way fun.
The funny thing is getting hit on my be flattering, but
I am really not intrested right now. I've never been called marriage material out loud. Women are strange. I don't get it. The can be very, whats the word, seductive.
I am enjoying that part. Playing hard to get is fun. Sleep alot over the weekend. Going on vaction. What do you all suggest. I'm thinkig, little hut on the beach. Tahiti, maybe. How about something with a bit of thrill? I've done my share of Halo jumps and to beat that would be difficult.
Verenap, Home Of The Land and Free eh! [darn, I laughed again.] So sorry. Women are difficlt. Shoot me now please, you would be doing me a favor. I'm om a roll. I'm enjoying this. Should do it more often. I really do love Canada. Love the Mounties, good men to work with as well. Seem like very well trained as well. I find Canada very laid back. Only been to Ottawa and Toronto. A very tolerent country overall. I comend you all for not losing it after the CSIS incident. Did'nt affect you at all I hear. Canadian's are good people. Trudeau, a great man, has'nt been anyone with balls like him since he left office. Abe was a great man. Gettysberg Address. Passionate. Some times take a walk to look into his eyes.
Thank You All. Help If you have the time I do need it. Its a good day toay, but tommorrow I just don't know. Later.

Westwinger, if your wife is begging and promising change consider trying to get her to write a letter, outlining the problems as she sees them, and what she plans to do (and feels you need to do) to change them. Try sending her one saying that you just don't feel that you can communicate clearly right now, and how hurt you were when she implied that you were 'abusive' towards her and/or the children, after all, you have tried so hard to keep her and the children safe after she left her 'abusive' ex. You have tried to be their protector, even building a house in a 'safer' location. Let her know that she needs to appologize for that before you can trust her enough to talk to her again. Express your pain and disapointment at having the house you had built, turned into a place where you don't feel welcome. Express your concern that she has allowed your step-daughter to put holes in the walls and be disrespectful to you. Ask her to recognize this problem and come up with a plan to address and change this behavior. Ask her to put that plan in her letter to you. Let her know that once you have received her letter and had time to process it, you would be willing to start discussing 'making it work', but right now you need to know that she is serious about making things better. (Keep your letter polite, expressing your hurt and frustration, and your desire to see your relationship healed. [even if it's not entirely true anymore.])

Keep a copy of your letter. Keep a copy of her letter.
At best, she will have a true change of heart as she starts to admit her faults and her role in the disrespectful and destructive attitude in her oldest daughter, and she will honestly work to make things better.

At worst, you will (hopefully) have a letter from her admitting that you haven't been abusive towards her or the children, that you can take back at her if she tries to make accusations later on.

If nothing else, you will have a (your) letter showing your 'desire' to communicate and make it work, and if she is unwilling to do a responding letter, then it shows her unwillingness to work at it.

It's kind of underhanded, but a paper trail is always best.

BTW, I think you are absolutly correct that the children should show you respect. They aren't required to love you or trust you (those things have to be earned, especially if their bio-father was abusive), but you deserve at minimum the same degree of respect that they should show to any adult in authority over them (ie: teachers, police officers, etc.). "Respect your elders" is one of the most basic things I was taught growing up, and it's something my child(ren) will learn as well. Respect your elders, respect your peers & siblings, respect yourself . IMO, trust has to be earned, but respect is something that should be shown to everyone, until they show they do not deserve it. Mom needs to understand that (even if you aren't the diciplinarian) you *are* in a position of authority over them and as such the kids need to treat you with the proper respect you deserve. She needs to understand that it is *absolutly* inappropriate and unacceptable for your step-daughter to be allowed to (hit, throw things, speak to you in a disrespectful manner, insult or swear at you, or whatever it may be that she is doing) and that SHE (as their mother) must be accountable for their actions, and hold *them* accountable if the step out of line, whether the behavior is directed at herself, or you.

Good luck and keep us posted.
Kind thoughts,
Verena

"And this too, shall pass."

westwinger,
Get your duckies in the water--the attorney thing.

You are in a hotel? Have you talked to an attorney before moving out of the house that YOU own? you have been given such good advice...and I am happy to hear that your friends at the office have embraced you. How good that must feel. Be extremely careful not to get involved with another woman now...and I know how strong the temptation must be. You do not need the complications that brings. Focus on what you need to do right now and either work to heal this marriage, or not...but don't bring someone else into this right now. Find friends to do things with if you are lonely. perhaps you should only communicate with her through writing for awhile, so that you can have things in writing should the marriage disolve, to protect yourself. Because she would not be the first woman to claim abuse where none existed, in a divorce...not all play by the same moral codes that others follow, and will stoop incredibly low for revenge.

I wish you the best in these hard times.

I have been exactly where you are: Wanting to save and love a mom and her kids. I love them more than anything in the world but I am and always will be an outsider. It breaks my heart every day.
That said, something sounds fishy about your story. I, for one, would like to hear her side. Your taking pills!!! Solutions don't come from pills.

donethat,
Sometimes a medical intervention will include something to help the nerves or depression.

Taking pills is not the longterm solution but it will help with the stress of 3 years you've taken. Once the divorce is settled, you can wean yourself off of them.
Being in a hotel doesn't mean you will lose your property. My husband did that with his ex and they met up with lawyers and she had to buy the rest of the house from him.
To me, it really sounds like this woman took you for a ride. Its great that you have coworker that really care for you. Those are true people who care. This woman cares about it money. If she cared, you would have gotten full meals coming home at night and not left overs like a dog. Excuse the expression but i think she is the abusive one and her kids have obviously learned this. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!
You did the right thing to leave. Too bad that you invested time, money and your soul most important of all. But You learned alot from this experience so time was not lost. Money can always be replaced but your soul is treasure. Give yourself to someone who deserves you! I'm not saying she must be with no children. But since you got a sour note with your first experience, maybe you should avoid the stepparenting all together. That will be your decision. BUt for now. ENJOY ENJOY ENJOY YOUR FREEDOM! Meet with your lawyers and divorce. You owe no money or obligation to this woman for her kids. If she wants $$$ for support. LET her go find her X for that! the only thing i see her getting is half of what the house is worth after selling. OH yah...and charge her for harassment with the constant phone calls and the fact you are on medication because of her antics and her kids. In court, you can't blame the kids. BUT their mother is legally held accountable for all the **** that they do and everything that comes out of their mouths. Also get a restrainign order after that. Do not tell her anything. Meet with your lawyers and slam in one shot! GOod luck!