Yes, you have a problem. But it is more with your husband!!! He has to take responsbility and get those kids under control. They ARE his responsibility and if their mother is screwed up, then he owes it to them to really try to save them from her and themselves.

If anything effects you (time, money) then you have as much a say as either bio parent! Maybe you guys should seek counseling -- I remember another person on this board did that and it helped (though she was rightfully annoyed when the therapist told him everything she did that he wouldn't listen to)....he needs an objective opinion on the situation. And he needs to realize that if he cares about his marriage, he better do something!!

Good luck!

Thanks jerseystepmom. My husband is the problem and he thinks he has no say with his ex and he wants nothing to do with her. But how about a reality check - he married her, he had kids with her - he should deal with her. He's given up thinking he has any control in having any say about how they are raised. Last summer when he told his ex that she shouldn't be letting the kids do certain things, she resorted by turning them against him (especially the oldest and it was real ugly) and we didn't see them for 6 months.

I'm afraid those kids are going to wind up no where in life. I am the broken record with those girls, always telling them how important school is and other life lessons to be good people and ways to make their lives as fulfilling as possible. Maybe one day the record will start playing in their heads when they grow up a little and they'll get something from the things I try to teach them.

I also wish my husband would try to realize where I'm coming from and my feelings of being treated like a doormat and taken for granted by both him, his ex and his kids.

If your husband refuses to listen to you, then you've got a serious problem. You can't continue to let him run all over you. You allow yourself to be a doormat, so you have only yourself to blame. Everyone has choices. You need to take a stand and tell your husband that he needs to take you seriously. If he blows you off, then you need to let him know that there are consequences. Not sure what consequences you will be willing to use, but you need to let him know that you mean business. Your husband takes you for granted because he knows that he can. It's about time to take control of your life.

Well, with an ex like that, I can understand, but he has no choice. And take it from me....it is only a matter of time before they refuse to come see him. Why should they -- you have rules and expect respect. He should try to step in, but even trying to do the right thing doesn't always work (my 20 y/o SD is basically estranged from us for exactly the same reasons! Mom gave her whatever she wanted in exchange for her loyalty....whatever we did was distorted to make us look bad (God forbid we have expectations around behavior, etc.). It is a losing battle with a crazy woman having all the control over the kids. The only thing you could do is try to get more visitation, but without a helpful husband who is willing to take it on, why bother?!

And my SD IS "no where in life" -- she is at a very expensive college where she barely does school work, got fired from her job, but drinks heavily (that probably started from her drinking with her "cool" Mom all the time). She is a pathological liar, a theif and really has nothing to be proud of herself about (we sure have nothing to be proud of her for)....but after a certain point, there is nothing you can do. Especially with one of yours at 17 on her way to college soon....she will be making her own choices and with the guidance she has had, they will likely be bad ones! (and, FYI, my husband had standards for her school life too in order to keep paying and she went against every single one (no lying, certain GPA, keep a job, etc.)......so he said he would not pay any more. Lucky for her, her mother needs her loyalty and has the money....and since we haven't heard from their attorney yet, I guess we're off the hook!)

Oh, we did have a reprieve in the estrangement where my SD came last summer from college...I think prompted by her realization that it was her Dad by her side at school when she had emergency surgery and had an ovary removed. Mom was busy with work and figured she only need one parent there anyway. Anyway, our house with rules and expectations around behavior (don't lie to us, don't steal our things, don't stay out late every single night drinking -- you know the basics!!) drove her crazy and it was a disaster. So much so that I will not allow her in my house if I am not here OR my husband will not agree to be with her every minute. It is a horrible relationship and though my husband still holds out hope that she is still young enough to grow out of it, I am certain that this is her personality -- modeled after her mother -- and that it is who she is and not a phase (you can't do those things without having a conscience and simply change that! it is pathological)

Anyway, long way to go to say -- you can try, but you are fighting a force that may be stronger than you (without serious legal intervention or something) and you may have to accept that they may wind up no where. And I did what you do -- try to explain life lessons, etc. etc. I think all she hears is "blah blah blah" . . . it was VERY liberating for me on the day I decided that I was done preaching and imparting my pearls of wisdom.....she is an adult now (hell I was on my own when I was 20!) and it is up to her to make something of what she has. Truly a tragedy that she chooses not to (and she was a very pretty, seemingly nice, smart girl -- 1560 out of 1600 on her SAT's!!!! and her choice is to get drunk and do other unhealthy things....). She's making her bed....

Sorry, seems I wrote a novel here.....!!!

P.S. "No Control" is the name of your post.....and true on many levels for you....all you can do is to start to accept that it is the truth for your situation!

I'm glad I put my foot down and told my husband that if the girls would be here on a weekday that he had to take off of work. But I know what will happen, BM will take offense if he says they can't come because he can't take off of work and she knows I will be home. But I just don't give a crap what she thinks.

I'm so sorry that you had to go through what you've been through with your SD, especially with her having so much potential. 1500 on her SAT's and not using the brain she has? How frustrating for you and your husband. And it sucks so bad to see your spouse see his kids raised unresponsibly by their ex. And in the state of Alabama, unless the BM shows up to court with a crack pipe in her mouth, there's really nothing you can do as far as custody.

The 17 year old is so easy to get along with most of the time, just like your's - pretty, seemingly nice, funny, but takes no responsibilty for ANYTHING. And yes, she has stole from me. I thought some of my petty cash in my office was missing and marked all the bills. Wouldn't you know it, one was in her purse and I had no problem going into it to find it when more money came up missing. Her mom even made up her excuse for her (not the first time). Her mom said that having that much cash in the house was too much of a temptation for her. I get paid cash from some customers that can be around $1000 at a time.

It is a losing battle with a crazy woman like you said and I think I have decided to just realize that there's nothing I can do. And you're right, it is liberating to come to the conclusion that "that's it, I've done what I can". But with the 11 year old, I feel like I still have to try. With the 17 year old, I am done until she hopefully grows up. I really hope she does grow up. I'm sick of expending my time on energy for nothing. She is supposed to be enjoying her senior year of high school but is instead going to be technically a sophomore.

I'm so glad I found this forum. None of my friends are step parents, they all have kids from 5 to 10 yoa and talking about problems with step kids or kids over 10, well they're trying to be helpful and listen, but haven't been there themselves. Thanks again.

By the way, my sister just became a step mom and just called to vent. I told her about the forum, sure she'll be on soon.

I'm glad I put my foot down and told my husband that if the girls would be here on a weekday that he had to take off of work. But I know what will happen, BM will take offense if he says they can't come because he can't take off of work and she knows I will be home. But I just don't give a crap what she thinks.

Sounds like you're on the right track, IMO. I refused, early on, to do babysitting duty. DH had to arrange day camp activities during the summer, or take them to a sitter if he couldn't be here with them. Your DH will take control and stop avoiding confrontation with biomom when HE is the one who has to rearrange his day to care for his children.

Ah, it's your fault that she stole from you. Funny, when my SD stole my things, she and her mother referred to those instances as when she "borrowed" things from me (never mind that they ended up on the floor of her car, under her bed, in boxes to go back to college or at her mother's house....)!!

And I agree, the 17 y/o is too late, but the 11 y/o is not. I guess fighting for custody is out of the question (yeah, then you become FT Mom!)....well all you can do is provide structure and stability. If that means they hate being at your house because of the rules that go along with structure, then you could lose that child too. But at least you will know that you tried to be the best parents you could.

Honestly for us, my SS who is 16 and lives with us fulltime really helps us deal with it. He is more like us -- he likes the structure and stability and will follow the rules. He accepts that we are teaching him to be a responsible adult and that it doesn't mean that he can pretend he is one now and make all his own decisions. My husband once said "thank God for [SS] or I would feel like a total failure as a parent." Now that is heartbreaking! My husband is a wonderful father (away right now with his son on a guys vacation!). We also see that with my SS he gets it -- his mother -- and that we no longer feel that we have to make sure that he understands the things she does are not appropriate, or that just because she says something doesn't make it true (she lies big time!). This came with age, and getting him to a therapist right after his mother moved away with my SD. He is quite an insightful kid and I thank God everyday for that.

It was extremely difficult dealing with the BM and SD and if it wasn't for the total support and agreement that my husband and I had -- I would have left! No doubt.....why would I voluntarily add all that crazy non-stop drama?! Not for a guy who let it happen, that's for sure! We did have that talk where I told him that I could leave, but he is stuck with her and that crap and there ain't a woman out there who would tolerate the crap that she is shoveling so he better get it under control or HE will surely be alone for the rest of his life. And you know what? Since he started enforcing boundaries on them.....he is waaaaaaay happier!!! (not just because he also got to keep me LOL!!!!)

Good luck, it is tough.......

Thanks to all of you for your input and insight. My sister called and said she and fiance were going to be in town for just one night and I haven't seen her in months, she moved 700 miles away. Just so happens to be on the Friday we are supposed to have the girls. I told my DH that I would prefer that the kids come on Saturday morning so I can spend time with my sister and then there will also be enough room for everyone to sleep comfortably. DH usually picks up kids on Friday after work. They live just minutes from his work. DH said that then he'll have to drive that whole way on Saturday (over an hour round trip) and I said, "yep, I guess you will have to". And to my surprise he was fine with it. DH isn't much for being inconvenienced.

Now THAT is the way it works -- you actually get a say in the house!!! Good for you!!! And it's about time that he gets a little inconvenienced around kid issues . . . they are, after all, HIS kids!

Honestly, I think they sometimes just don't get it -- and we simply need to push back to where we are comfortable -- we want to help, but we don't want to feel taken advantage of. If you do it, and he loves you, he'll react accordingly (like he did here!)

Have a GREAT time with your sister!!!!