I think your SS is being a normal teenage boy.

Lets face it, its the age when they would rather be with friends than with family, or parents.

There is not point in feeling upset about it all.

If you want to spend time with him, plan it in advance with outings to certain places etc, so he will want to come over. Give him plenty of time with his friends, perhaps he could bring a friend with him.

I would go and pick him up, you want him there, he said he would come, so just make it happen and enjoy yourselves.

Try not to dwell on the negatives.

Relax, don't worry it will all work out fine.

OH MY GOSH, I could have written most of what you wrote myself, as I have an almost IDENTICAL situation with MY 13 yo DSS!!! He lives with his brother, DSS 11, BM, her husband and their DD, 2 hours away (which means DH drives 4 hours roundtrip for the pick-up). We are supposed to have them every other weekend. BM has had both boys in more sports than you can count since they were toddlers, practically year-round, usually on SEPARATE teams, which has ALWAYS been a planning nightmare for us.

The major problem started about 9 mos ago. Suddenly, DSS 13 would act all depressed and down in the dumps when he came for visits. Then he started getting to the point where, on Thursdays when it was their weekend, he would have BM call DH and tell him that he did not want to come. He is very bright and has always been very manipulative, not to mention the fact that BM has a very loose parenting style with few rules where DSS 13 basically calls the shots. (I know he feels like he's in prison in our house, since he has to take off his shoes when he comes inside and must eat and drink in the kitchen.) (Of course, my DS 6 has the same rules and has no problem following them.) On one occasion about 6 mos ago, DSS literally through a screaming and crying tantrum over the phone b/c he did not want to come.

We have had several "event" weekends where he refused to come. The last was last weekend. We planned to take the kids 5 hours away to Carowinds amusement park for the weekend. (DH's sister lives in Charlotte and their parents were going for the weekend, so it was a larger family event.) Since I am pregnant and we are building a house, we decided this was about all of the vacation we could do this year. DH e-mailed DSS about the weekend plans. DSS mailed back, basically, "Sorry, Dad, my best friend's birthday party is this weekend. You'll have to make Carowinds next weekend." Since DH almost ALWAYS gives in to him, I was shocked that he did not just rearrange the whole trip. However, he did allow DSS to skip the trip.

The few times DH has forced DSS to come when he did not want to, DSS has made us miserable by not looking at or speaking to anyone the entire weekend. DH decided it's better to give him his way than deal with that. THEN, when DSS does finally decide to grace us with his presence (usually if he doesn't have something better to do and can possibly get us to buy something extra he wants, such as guitar, computer equipment, etc., then he comes) DH spends the whole weekend on eggshells trying to make sure DSS is "happy" and "not bored." He still barely speaks to me, even when I ask him a direct question. I've noticed DH tries to compensate for him when this happens in his presence by restating the question to DSS, who then answers him curtly.

It really drives me crazy, but after 8 years of standing on my head trying to please this kid, preparing his favorite meals, etc. I have finally disengaged. I don't go out of my way whatsoever. (He is a VERY picky eater and basically eats only "country cookin" sausage and gravy, greasy, calorie laden food, allowed of course by BM.) Since I disengaged, I feel much better. I do lend a sympathetic ear to DH, and we are hoping that DSS 11, who has always been much more happy-go-lucky than DSS 13, will not end up the same way.

So I guess the LONG answer to your question of what will happen if you give in to this behavior is, YES, it will become the norm. And when that happens and you try to stop it, you will get hit with teenage fury! I pointed out to DH that almost every weekend there will be SOMETHING going on that DSS will say he wants to go to/can't miss if he knows it will allow him to stay home. DH admits that DSS is a spoiled brat, so we are just doing the best we can with it. I don't know what else to do. We are just going to try to get him through it and hope he does so without hating us! Being a step-parent is TOUGH duty, I tell ya! It does help to see that we are not alone!! Good luck!

I don't think EOW works when the parents are too far away from each other to make it feasible for the kids to engage in their normal weekend activities. Almost every child in my town is doing at least one sport every season, and most sports require weekend games. It is not surprising that two children of different ages would be on different teams - I know that soccer teams are VERY strictly regulated by birth date, and an 11 and 13 year old would not be on the same team. Once the child gets to be 15 or 16, they are likely to be working on the weekend as well, not to mention dating.

As an adult, would you like it if someone told you you had to go away every other weekend?

TOS, I agree with you. I have tried to (gently) tell DH that for years, but when I say something, I feel like it looks like I don't want them around as much. Not only is it hard on all of us for scheduling purposes, but it is a very time-consuming endeavor and somewhat costly, since DH drives 8 hours EOW going to get them, bringing them back here and taking them home, putting about an extra 15K miles per year on his SUV, not to mention wear and tear, gas and tolls of $7 each round trip. Still, DH has gladly done it and will gladly do it as long as one of them is willing to come.

DH has always expected that at some point they would be too busy to come EOW, but he did not think it would be this early--he expected it more around age 15 or 16. I hate to see him hurting. He really tries to be a good dad. He even takes each DSS to a national father-son sports camp of their choice each summer to give them some one-one-one time.

Anyway, as I said, we are just going to roll with it for now and try not to lose them in the meantime.

When they lived here in town, DH forced EOW whether they wanted to come or not. Rarely did they want to come because he's very strict and biomom is not.

They moved two hours away for better schools just before SS started high school. DH stopped forcing them to come to us EOW, but he made sure to go visit them every other weekend - whether for a game, or lunch or just to hang out for a few hours.

Forcing the issue had mixed results in our case. Now that they're young adults SD hates her dad, while SS loves him.

Can visitation times be moved?

Allowing the kids not to visit sends the message that maintaining the relationship isn't all that important -- but forcing it at the expense of pleasurable activities can cause resentment.

Unfortunately, kids do grow up and have their own lives.... and I am sure it is more than tough to stay in tune with those lives when there is a significant distance between homes... however, you can not begrudge a kid having his or her own life... it's what I hope for my kids... I hope that they have friends and activities and all of mine are in some activity or another... (which trust me is a timing nightmare half the time because they are all two years apart and for sports and such that is what determines teams etc.) unfortunately, things do change and kids would much rather be with friends than with family half the time... I know there was a time that I did... on the same token however, there does have to be a sense of responsibility... make plans ahead of time: for instance give a call a heads up find out what his plans are and plan for a lunch or visit around those plans and stick to it... dont let things change from one minute to the next and as far the planned family outing goes... as much as kids may grumble there is a time when family comes first and it is not to much to ask to make a plan and stick to it that is conveniant for all parties... you are still the parent here tell him that this is what the plan is...

Thanks everyone for your response. So I agree that forcing him to visit is going to create resentments, and typically, we don't enforce it for that specific reason. This weekend was different becuase it was a family birthday event, and we both felt as though this was one of those times where even though he was making his choice to not see us on Friday night, that he had a family commitment for Saturday that effected other family members.
We did end up picking him up on Saturday AM since he agreed. (BM called me to tell me that he was very angry about it though) Of course, he didn't tell DH that.
Even though we're not thrilled that he'd rather be with his friends, we do realize that it's totally normal, and we don't push the issue. This particular weekend he had ballgame on Friday night, and a soccer game on Saturday. Part of the problem for this specific weekend was that he called on Friday afternoon, and left a voicemail on my DH's cellphone that if he came the ballgame on Friday night, that he wasn't going to go home with him because he made plans with his friends...click. He had a LOT of attitude in the message. DH called him back to discuss, and set up other arrangements, but he wouldn't answer his phone. DH was upset because he had told him in the past that if he didn't want to come over, that would be fine, but that he needed to call him and speak with him so they could discuss it, and make other arrangements. So, that was a part of the problem. The other problem is that BM get's very involved in these things, and adds a layer of complexity. She calls me to tell me that 13 y/o SS is angry with DH for not spending more time with him, or going to enough of his games. However, SS doesn't communicate this to his father. DH is not an explosive person, and is actually a very understanding man. BM claims that SS is "afraid" to tell his father how he feels. So, this may or may not be true, but it adds a layer to things that make it more complicated. I know for a fact that SS claims that he's not upset, but I really don't believe it. I believe that he's very upset about alot of things, including his parents divorce. I think he just keeps it all inside. He also plays his parents against each other, which is very easy since they have a very bad relationship, and can barely speak.
TOS: I totally agree with you about EOW not working, and how being told he had to go away EOW makes for an angry teenager. It's not practical, as well as the other issues of working/dating. My 14 y/o SS lives with us, and has started a job. The condition is that he can only work weekends that he's not scheduled with BM so that it doesn't interfere with his time with her.
DH did speak to 13 y/o this weekend about the Friday night voicemail, and told him clearly that he if he decides not to come over, that's fine, but that he must call and speak to him live. He can leave a message to call him if DH isn't available, but that he needed to speak with him so that they can arrange another time. His response was "whatever". (typical)
This child is a wonderful kid, smart, funny, caring. My concern is that he's holding everything in and internalizing things, which makes things much worse. Obviously we can't force communication, and to give him the feeling that it's OK to speak your mind and feelings is very hard 1-2 days a month. (which is pretty much all we see him). How do you get a child to open up and communicate, when they are so closed off, and you only see them for such a limited amount of time?

I know this may sound cheesy but try having DH write him a letter and ask ss to write back.... I only say this because my brother (who is still very much a teenager ..he just turned 17) had some serious anger and frustration issues after my daughters father killed himself (my brother thinks his niece is the greatest thing in the world) I never really knew how to get my bro to talk about anything since whenever I do talk to him there is little to no response (the usual sullen teenage thing) ... this was aparently the only way he felt comfortable about expressing his emotions and how he felt (and trust me my bro is not the type of person to write down his emotions or anything ) instead of trying to talk to him
I wrote him back the same way... (please note I live a whole 15 min away from him) I mean hey its worth a try...

Just let him bring a friend.

It is normal at age 13 to be more interested in
friends than family. It breaks your heart, but it is true.
Tell SS that he can bring a friend to family events or visits. It isn't personal, they just enjoy being with friends.