If I am boring anyone with my going on and on about my ex, I apologize.

I was with him pretty much the majority of my adult life thus far (from 18 to 26) and we have a son that we have joint custody of, so he is still a major part of my life.

My divorce ended a very painful part of my life that started way before my ex-husband ever entered my life. It started when I was a five year old girl and was abused in the worst way possible, repeatedly, for over two years (can't even say the words still). I lived in denial until the day my ex-husband was arrested for abusing me physically. That's when I sought counseling because I realized I was in a cycle of abuse. I am just now beginning to understand what a "normal" relationship involves. But I still have to cooperate in raising a child with someone who put me through hell - it's very difficult sometime to be cooperative and friendly with him, but to be honest, this website helps me do that. And I think it's better than taking it out on him. I don't want to create any negativity between him and I, because it is only my son who will suffer.

So sorry if bore you or anyone else by going on and on with my life story - but my posts are really more for my own benefit, so if I am boring anyone, just skip 'em.

HUH? Just looking to see if men do this also. Trying to start a new discussion with a man's point of view rather than the normal point of view. Sorry if you took it the wrong way. It was not intended for you or anyone.

Actually it was a good point of discussion for my hubby and I - because it was sort of a sore point between us at the beginning of our relationship - he mistook the fact that I still talked about my ex-husband as me having feelings for him still, and understandably so!!! I do have "feelings" about the situation, but not the kind he was afraid I had - I am still angry over things that have happened in the past and I am not as good as he is at just letting them go.

Anyway, to take some of the pressure off Bill from having to answer for the whole male species * kidding ;) *, I will offer what my husband had to say about it - that usually, men only worry about the ex if there is still some unresolved feelings towards the ex. That it's not really a male/female thing at all. He has no unresolved feelings towards his ex, so he doesn't really think (or talk) too much about her.

I, on the other hand, am still a bit angry at my ex-husband, so I still talk about it sometimes. Thank god I have a strong man in my life who understands me so well and is willing to talk through things with me rather than get jealous and insecure. I give him a ton of credit!

I'm just not sure that if a man wants to talk about his ex-wife that it means there are still some unresolved feelings? Maybe something that is unresolved, but not neccesarily feelings... Sometimes when you live through a challenging, difficult and unhappy part of your life, you can't help but reflect on it. And when that part of your life has to live on because of children, you can't help but put it in perspective...talk about the negatives and poke fun of the person.
It may not be the healthiest topic in the world...but it happens. D was married to an emotionally unavailable woman who was always business-like in her approach with life and love. She put her work and her social life above her husband and children. She's a selfish woman....Living with her now and knowing all I know, I see where things have gone wrong (not to say he was perfect). And unfortunately, divorce doesn't mean you no longer have to deal with the person. In fact, I think that with divorce, dealing with your ex is probably worse than when you were married-because now each person lives as they choose, and you get no say in it. And being his fiance, she now becomes a part of my life that I have to deal with. The frustration of it and the lack of control, makes it a very interesting topic that we like to discuss often. We've acknowledged it's not the best thing to do and we've slowed it down...but it's comforting to talk about it. If someone had a horrible boss and a job they were not happy about, they would constantly vent about it... I got fired from a law firm (lea, I have nothing but the utmost respect and liking for you, but I usually HATE lawyers).. This happened to me one year ago this June and I still find myself venting about it. That's just the way life is.
So sometimes, when a husband or a wife talks about their ex, it's just a way of being able to cope with that person still remaining in your life. And a way, like you said, to get over that anger at the things that happened in the past. A marriage is not, with the greatest intentions, supposed to fail. No one wills it that way...and when children are in the picture, there are wounds....and as long as you still have to "live" with the person-salt is poured into them every time. They are a reminder of some very unhappy and unfulfilled times. If it should get to the point that the person obsesses over it and shows signs of jealousy then that's another story.
We had difficulties in the beginning too. I talked a lot about my previous relationship and D about his marriage. We both mistook it for some unresolved feelings...but it was a growth process and how we came to understand what we needed to work on in our own relationship...
Okay, I've said enough....and now I am watching this show on VHI glorifying how glamorous Britney Spear's life is...I am getting sick and need to leave the room!

Hey Jennifer,

what do you call skydiving lawyers? skeet.

lea808,
you mentioned you have had counseling. Do you still do that? You said you are still angry and you seem to vent alot about it. I am wondering if you are not in counseling would more help you out? lol It was hard to put that question in without sounding mean.

brit,

I did take offense at your post because I "use" this site to vent about a lot of things. Why? I don't know, I just express myself better in writing. I used to write in journals before the Internet, but this is more fun. It's a journal that talks back. Plus none of the stuff I post here is a big secret, so whatever.

After I vent a bit, I turn back to the 18 million pages that make up the Internal Revenue Code and go back to work. Jennifer hates lawyers, I hate IRS agents today - I've been in the office most of the weekend and need this website for a few minutes of mind candy here and there to make it bearable!!!

I am still just a teensy weensy bit angry at my ex - but it's only been three years since we split and I feel like it's getting better all the time.

What's left of my anger doesn't really effect my daily life all that much - my ex-husband and I have a good "working" relationship in terms of raising my son - I don't want to mess that up by saying something stupid in response to some stupid comment he sometimes makes. So I vent here instead.

Plus, I have someone in my life now who makes me very happy and is very understanding about a lot of things. Still, it's hard to overcome a lifetime of feeling a certain way about things overnight. I am getting there!

Jennifer, I think "unresolved feelings" is a poor choice of words for what I was trying to say - it's not really "feelings," but more like what you said above, frustration at the way things were and sometimes still are.

lea808,
I did not mean to offend you at all. Your previous post on how it does not effect your daily life and not saying something stupid to him and how you vent here explains alot. I have personally never had to get counseling (I am thankful). I guess I would expect to much out of it and it does not totally make the person forget the sitution or stop venting I guess. Especially if you have to deal with the person still. You probably wouldnt be here venting about your ex if you still didnt have to deal with him.

About the whole attorney thing..........

I just had a bad experience at the firm I worked for. I met other attorneys before and after this experience that I have found to be amazing people. It was just the "culture" of the firm that really got to me.
I'm not into the cut-throat environment. But I can work in it, as long as the employees (big or small) treat eachother with respect and fairness. This firm treated its paralegals and legal secretaries like they were the dog poop underneath their shoes. I didn't like the hierarcy. Yes, it's present in every place we work... There's the SVP and the EVP's and they have assistants, and then there's the mail room and the janitors etc. But this firm, made it more apparent who was important and who was not, solely based on rank...whether you were a principal, or an associate.......or a file clerk vs. secretary. Secretaries hang with other secretaries, paralegals with paralegals, mail room with mail room. I worked in HR.....I was on the outside of all of it!
No one had any personality-it was get the work done, don't smile, don't ask me how I am today, just work. Too much pressure.....and not enough skill at dealing with the pressure. The work wasn't the problem, that was the easy part.....doing it for people who were not good people, was a problem. They also had issues with my financial status. As an HR generalist making 35,000 per year, I wasn't supposed to be coming into work in a brand new Audi A6 wearing Ferragamo shoes carrying my Louis Vuitton bag(I was/am fortunate enough to be with an older man who does very well for us and I'm also a good saver). I was asked in my third week of work if I had anything more economical that I could drive in with!!!!!!!!!!! Can you believe that? The problem: High-equity partners have a car purchased by the firm.....and guess what some of those cars are-Audi's or cars in the same range! They also had issues that my fiance (boyfriend at the time) was 14 years older and in general, found it difficult to "accept" my personal life....which by the way, I thought was discrimination, but upon consulting an attorney found that unless it's age, sex or race......it aint considered discrimination! But personal lives of an employee shouldn't affect their job!!!! Who wrote that law?? I think it needs to be expanded!
Anyway, it was just an awful place. And I am sure it is common in large law firms. But never again!!!!!!
Thanks for the opportunity to VENT about this! hahaha...

Goodness, this thread took an ugly turn.

britbritmay "Trying to start a new discussion with a man's point of view rather than the normal point of view." LOL, normal point of view!

I've been a bit incommunicado - went to wedding in charleston - had inlaws visiting - celebrated our 4th anniversary - bought a new car. A very busy week and a half, but it was a lot of fun.

Anyway, on behalf of my gender, I would like to answer a resounding...... it depends. Well, that probably isn't exactly true. Women probably spend more time worrying about their ex because women generally spend more time worrying about everything in a relationships - present, past and future. I think a lot depends on how the relationship ended and how you have to interact with them on an ongoing basis though. "Out of sight, out of mind" is a phrase definitely invented by a man.

Personally, I don't have an ex wife - the closest I come is a live in girlfriend of 2 years. No kids, no contact, no problem. :) No "unresolved feelings" there - she assured that by sleeping with a couple of my "friends." It would certainly be a pain having to make parenting decisions with her at this point - so I can definitely understand why some people are still upset with their ex's and need to vent.

Unfortunately, I think the sad reality is that women are disproportionately let with "relationship baggage." It's much easier to treat a "distant" ex wife as "distant history" than it is to handle and abusive husband or deadbeat dad. Also, on an emotional level, in this society, women tend to tie their concept of self worth much more tightly to the family unit and home than men do. Women tend to judge, and be judged, by the home they create and , I think, are more often left with painful questions if that home falls apart. Is that fair, no... but I think it rings true in many situations.

How this fits in to the greater philosphy of man-ness.... I think men either completely dwell on or completely ignore the things they cannot change. There is usually not to much time spent in between. I think most women spend more time in the not so happy middle when it comes to ex's. At least, that is what I see in the women in my life.

Wow that was pretty good bill. You were missed. About the ex girlfriend with your friends. There was a more important lesson Bill. You saw who your real friends were. It was her loss I am sure.

Jennifer, WOW! is all I can say. I would need to come on here and vent daily if I had to deal with that kind of immature crap everday. People who live in glass houses shouldnt throw stones or even pebbles. Jeezz...more details if you have anymore that is something else.