may i be blunt.. with all due respect .. and all good intent .... AND THANK FOR YOUR SERVICE TO OUR COUNTRY ... i did this myself ... IT WAS THE WORST SUMMER OF MY GARDENING LIFE .... i spent all summer stressing over the flowers .. like i didnt have anything else to worry about with EVERYTHING ELSE about the wedding ... ever have a hail storm in august in MD??? i dont understand if you are planning on doing all the flowers.. or just some ... what i ended up doing... i found a good florist who was willing to work with me ... we ordered what we needed with the understanding that i would bring all additional flowers that i could to add to it all ... it did end up working out very well .... but that was because i had a failsafe plan ... PLEASE DO THAT FOR YOURSELF ALSO ... you cant call florists a week before the wedding and hope you can find someone to cover for what ma nature did to your garden ... i ended up taking 5 five gal pails with about 100 EXTRA roses ... it ended up being wonderful .... PRIORITIZE AND DECIDE IF THE DAY OR TWO BEFORE THE WEEDING.. YOU WANT TO SPEND IT COVERED IN DIRT IN YOUR GARDEN.. or decide whether there will be about a million other things that will be more important ... like the dress .. the food.. the hall ... the honeymoon packing.. the guests.. the rehersal dinner ... the.. the.. you get the idea ... i wish you and your daughter all the luck in the world ... ken PS: is she thinking this will save money ... or out of respect for you [from your bio i suspect it is the latter] .... the money and labor you put into it all would be better spent by you by actually buying the flowers and adding some floral goodies .... this should be about you and her and her wedding .... not about your garden ... and being about as hardcore in the garden as you seem .. i had the rehersal dinner in my garden ... after rehersal .. we all just met back at the house and had pizza and relaxed ... i got all the accolades i needed for the garden ... and it helped relax me for the big day ... i keep rambling on ... sorry .... thanks for bringing back a part of my wedding that i let slip out of my memory ... men arent supposed to well up about all this .. are they????

So, if you have a table of 7 and two people don't show at the last minute, you will have a table of five?. End of the world? No. Last time that happened to us, I had planned the seating very carefully and the five that were at that table had a marvelous time, even with two goners (who never even called to cancel or apologize after the fact. Very poor form.) If it were me, I would work hard to get it to sevens and eights. I would also work hard to break up the standard groupings and maybe that is how you can get your proper multiples. Rather than keeping all the friends together, I like to think about who might enjoy getting to know each other. At family events, we always get seated in what I call the "cousins ghetto" and it is largely why I don't look forward to those events. At the party I mentioned above, we mixed family and friends and threw in a few ringers here and there (usually singles with great social skills) and I can't tell you how many people spoke to me afterward to tell me how much they enjoyed the people they sat with, most of whom were new to them. It is more work for you, but I believe a well thought out and creative seating arrangement is central to being a good host and can make a big difference in your guests' experience of the event.

re⋅gret⋅ta⋅ble /rɪˈgrɛtəbəl/ adjective causing or deserving regret; unfortunate; deplorable. re⋅gret /rɪˈgrɛt/ verb, -gret⋅ted, -gret⋅ting, noun verb (used with object) 1.to feel sorrow or remorse for (an act, fault, disappointment, etc.): He no sooner spoke than he regretted it. 2.to think of with a sense of loss: to regret one's vanished youth. noun 3.a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc. 4.a feeling of sorrow or remorse for a fault, act, loss, disappointment, etc. 5.regrets, a polite, usually formal refusal of an invitation: I sent her my regrets. 6.a note expressing regret at one's inability to accept an invitation: I have had four acceptances and one regret. To Imamommy: I do appreciate your sincere reply and explanation....serioulsy I do. Unfortuantley, from your position, which is understandably based upon your Life's experiences, it is, in my humble opnion: lacking. This is especially true when you state it's all about YOU. Of course it's all about me...it's my posting, my question, my struggle, my family, and most importantly of all: my feelings. No matter how one "paints the picture" the viewer or in this case the reader, will take from it whatever it is they percieve, want or need to see; or perhaps are blind to see it for what it really is. I might add that the canvas may not be large enough for the artist to paint the whole picture. As for the "choice" hind site is always 20/20, but I don't think a divorce and raising 3 (innocent) children in a broken home and carting them back and forth between parents is a good idea. I didn't have an Aunt Bee to turn to and I didnt' like the idea of putting 3 kids into day care. To my x-wife's credit she agreed to consuling and too remain commited to raising our children together rather than apart. Sadly (regretably) things didin't work out. As for my children and how they feel, I know both clinically and from first hand experience how they feel, and I even know what their pattern's of behavior are, which is why: I've given up hope to any meaningful relationship; and question why I should even bother with "tradition" like this wedding. We all know that "traditions" are a long-established or inherited way of thinking or acting. Perhaps by going to this wedding there is some hope that these time honored events will provide an opportunity for some closure. God knows it's sorely needed. Lastly, if by chance I've failed to address or satisfy a question, or simply didn't agree with one's opinion, then let us part company with the knowledge that we can agree to disagree. I"m going to go and fix a hot cup of tea and I will drink that tea in honor of all of you, but most of all to Imamommy whose brush has put some color into the tapestry of my LIFE. Please join me.

Hi, I think we're going to have to presume a "worst case scenario" here for the sake of argument, to get at the roots of this dilemma, and clarify the issues. (But we can certainly hope for the best!) Worst case scenario: Daughter tells you ---for whatever reason (BM interference or her own personal feelings)--- "no way", she won't consider inviting them and she wants only you there. Your decision now is whether or not you go solo. I feel very strongly that you should, and I'm going to explain why via responding to your list of concerns one by one: "1 - My fiancee is very family oriented and has gone out of her way to bring us together as a family" That's fantastic, and to me is evidence that this situation ---even in the worst case scenario--- will work out fine b/c if she's very family-oriented she will understand that you need to go to your daughter's wedding with or without her, as this is an extremely important day for her and b/c your kids have recently expressed their need for you to be there for all of them. I don't think I need to tell you that if you, as her father, were not present for her wedding, especially after the recent conversation about "being there" in general, that would definitely spell the end of that relationship at great loss to you and she. But it is not going to spell the end of what sounds like a great relationship with fiancee and kids if they don't go. It's the most important day of your daughter's life but one family function out of many to come with your fiancee and her kids. "2 - If my fiancee finds out that she and her kids were not invited, my fear is that she would feel rejected and possibly think it was her and call off our future so that I can be closer to my kids." Again, I really don't think that's going to happen, based on how family-oriented she is. And the way she feels about it can be somewhat modified by how you present it to her and what you do for her to ensure that even if she feels rejected *by your daughter* that she is not rejected by *you*. You might even be able to soften the blow of rejection altogether (i.e. "ex-wife's relatives are being crusty and old-fashioned about this and don't consider fiancee part of the 'family' until you're married...it's nothing personal", or "the guest list was made a long time ago and they can't change it" or "this wedding won't be the last chance we'll have to be together as a family and forge family bonds"). Yes, she'll probably still be able to detect that there's opposition to her being there behind whatever excuse you give, but then she has a choice: push it or not? A matter, for her, of picking battles. She's still relatively new in this situation and also would be well aware that if she pushes coming, she would be putting you in the same "middle" spot of having to choose that others may be attempting to do. She's most likely not going to want to do that, nor take the gamble that an ultimatum will fail. She'll probably decide to let this one roll off and do her best to form family bonds at future functions. And then you can further help the situation by encouraging/arranging plenty of those future family functions. "3 - My kids seem to like my fiancee but have not gotten close to my fiancee's kids" What are the age differences? Also, if they haven't seen each other but a few times, and never alone, they probably haven't had the chance to build bonds just yet. Especially because the blending of families is always an ambivalent thing and takes plenty of time. As I wrote above, this wedding will not be the only chance for the new family members to be together and grow closer. "4 - No, I did not have an affair with my fiancee before I divorced. I think my ex-wife still have not gotten over the divorce nor admits we had problems while we were married for 19 years. She has also stated that she doesn't ever want to meet my fiancee." Well, that is her issue to deal with. Hopefully she will be an adult and not continue to pressure her daughter to make an "either/or" choice which bio parent she wants at the wedding, thereby also setting the stage for others to possibly insist you make such a choice. Maybe BM will remove herself from the equation if she really can't handle co-existing at the same geographical location for the sake of her daughter's important rite of passage. But unfortunately we can't count on her rising to this level and certainly not her backing out. So you have to make a firm decision on what you will do regardless of what BM does. 5 - Yes, I'm paying a large portion of the wedding but this is not a leverage that I care to use - it is not a financial exercise. To me, it is all about bringing together my old and new family as closely as possible. I desperately need this.... I really hope your daughter and/or BM will be gracious adults and not exclude their soon-to-be-new family. But even if they refuse, this one event is not the last chance ever to bond, and is not insurmountable as a slight if you handle it well and make an effort to be as inclusive as possible in the future. Remember: your daughter's exclusionary behavior in this instance doesn't have to keep YOU from being all-inclusive. Hopefully, it might even encourage her to be more inclusive in the future, once she sees how welcoming you and fiancee are to her and those bonds continue to be formed over time.