Wedding vow questions

19 years ago

I haven't attended a wedding in a very long time so I don't know if this would be considered common or uncommon.My daughter was telling me about a wedding she attended over the week-end,it was for her future brother-in-law.The grandfather which is a preacher married the couple.Only the groom said the vows.Is this a common practice now?It was not planned to be that way either as when the bride walked by my daughter she said"well maybe you'll get to say your vows"my daughter is getting married 2008 and the grandfather is suppose to be doing the ceromony for them also.I was just wondering if anyone has attented a wedding where this has happened,for all I know it could be a common practice now...Debbie

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Comments (5)

gellchom
19 years ago
Was it a Jewish wedding? Doesn't sound like it, if it was performed by a "preacher," but maybe it was modeled on the traditional Jewish ritual, which only requires the groom to say something (it requires LOTS of things, but I mean only he has a formula that must be recited). In many, perhaps most, congregations today, the bride also says something, but it's a later addition and not technically required by Jewish law.
sweet_pea10
19 years ago
If the wedding was not Jewish, it sounds as if perhaps the grandfather made a mistake and forgot to include a portion of the vows. The bride's remark would further lead me to think that way. Perhaps the grandfather was nervous or is elderly and hasn't performed a wedding recently, so was stressed. If he did forget, he is probably quite embarrassed.

It is also possible that the couple wrote their own vows and gave them to the grandfather at the last minute. If they were repeating the same vow, he may not have seen the notation indicating that the bride would say her vow next, so assumed that only the groom was making a vow.

Legally, the marriage is considered legal when the officiant signs the marriage license, so it doesn't affect the legality of the marriage, but it does detract from the ceremony and the couple's expectations.

Your daughter can help prevent such a situation at her wedding by spending time with the grandfather early on, like right now, and again close to the ceremony to go over all of the details of the ceremony. At the rehearsal, ministers tend to skip over the actual vows and just highlight what will occur and where people will stand, etc. Your daughter can ask him to go through the vows and ring exchange (he could forget that as well) during the rehearsal. Then, at the ceremony if he starts to go on and she hasn't repeated her vows, she can whisper a reminder to him.

That way, he won't be embarrassed by forgetting and she will have the ceremony that she should have.
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I promised in this post to post my vows. Again, we didn't exactly do vows. My brother-in-law started the "ceremony" be announcing that we would basically recite our thoughts and feelings. He did a wonderful job. I don't have a copy of dh's words, but you'll get the idea from mine below. We had this party as a backyard picnic sort of thing, did the "ceremony" on our deck with microphones. It turned out beautifully. Really enjoyed it. Here is what I said (names changed to protect our privacy) My dearest John, 25 years ago, we stood at the alter together and pledged our commitment to each other. I remember standing there hoping we would be right for each other and that everything would work out for us. Little did I realize what a gem of a man I was marrying. We have had a wonderful twenty-five years together. This ceremony would not be complete without the mention of our wonderful children. We were both elated at the birth of each of our children. And have continued to be very proud parents as they have each grown into wonderful human beings. And each has their special traits and personality. Dana is a beautiful young woman who has really blossomed with her education and Chinese language and cultural experience. And John has turned into a wonderful young man with the determination to learn to fly at 17. But John, you have been a wonderful man, husband and father. No woman could ask for anything more. YouÂve put up with me for all these years and I know that has not been easy. I know that I can be demanding and difficult at times, but I have always loved you. When we got married, we had nothing, except our love for each other. WeÂve both worked long and hard for everything we have today. We were only in our early 20Âs when we married and we sort of grew up together. But the most important thing we have that we have built is this marriage. WeÂve had our good times and our bad. As I write this I try to think of our good times together, but I canÂt think of any in particular, because our entire marriage has been our good times. Our next 25 years together promises to hold some unusual challenges for us both. But at this point IÂm certain we will make it through those challenges. Thankyou John, for all that youÂve meant to me. I love you John Robert Smith and I always will.
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In my opinion -- and that's all it is -- vow renewal ceremonies (the public kind, with guests) make sense if for some reason there was a very tiny real wedding, and you want the fun of all the trimmings, or if they want a religious ceremony after having a civil one -- some reason like that. But when I am invited to what is really just a second big or traditional wedding for a couple that already had one, I have to admit that I wonder what it is they are trying to prove, and why: were they having some trouble that they have now worked through? Did they separate and then come back together? Why are they taking the same vows again -- did they break the first vows, or is something wrong with those vows? Do they just need a lot of attention that they think they can get by dressing up as a bride and groom for a second time? Are they hoping for gifts? Now, I know that none of these reasons is yours. You want to do this as a romantic and fun statement of how GOOD things are. I only wrote the above because it's true that when I get such an invitation, that's what I wonder, especially after only 10 years (for a 50th anniversary celebration, it would be quite a different thing). So IF you think that there is a chance that some of your family and friends might see it that way, too, and IF you care about that, just keep it in mind when you make your plans. For example, if you wore a wedding gown at your wedding, I'd skip it this time (maybe if you still have that one? But I wouldn't buy another one if I were doing this). Ditto attendants, etc. An alternative would be for you and your wonderful husband to have a fabulous 10th anniversary party. Nothing wrong with wearing a gorgeous white party dress and flowers, and nothing wrong with publicly making a romantic statement or toast to each other that would pretty much do the same thing as vows. Not to mention -- nothing wrong with another honeymoon! And then it would be really romantic for you and your husband to make vows to each other privately. Just my 2 cents. I'm sure whatever you do will be lovely. Have fun, and congratulations on your wonderful marriage!
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talley_sue_nyc
19 years ago
It's possible grandpa got confused.

It shouldn't affect the legality, as long as the intent to marry is clearly there (no "i'll love you forever" as a substitute if you're writing your own vows).

In the Greek Orthodox church (I think) the custom is for there to be no expression of vows, but the acceptance of the wedding crowns is considered part of the "verbal contract."
gellchom
19 years ago
Oh, I didn't read the original post closely enough -- I missed the part about the bride's aside to the OP's daughter. Evidently it was just a mistake.
diane_nj 6b/7a
18 years ago
In NJ, there is a statement that we have to make to solemnize the marriage. Vows are not required, but I haven't performed a wedding where we didn't do them, and each person recites them. I agree, the bride should always discuss the ceremony with the minister, officiant, etc., before the date. Also sounds like there was no rehearsal.

Wedding vow questions

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