this is additional info on the first post, I have known my husband and his children for a total of 7 years. My children have never treated husband with any disrespect. My step daughter moved out of our house at 18 and in with her Mom because she didn't want to follow our rules. Her mom later packed her bags when she couldn't follow the rules of her house either. She then moved in with a guy, eloped and now has a baby at 21. too much info? just wanted to tellt he whole picture.

I don't think there is a lot you can do except be nice to him, be nice to him, be nice to him. It may make him feel guilty after awhile. I would advise your husband not to say anymore about it to his son.

I'd try being crystal clear about exactly what you DO want. And having a "review" before SS moves in makes perfect sense and is something you and DAD should do just as soon as he gets there. Don't go on and on about what isn't acceptable. (Have a DO list, not a DON'T list.) Simply list the core behaviors you expect in a clear, concise manner. Be straight-forward and simple:

- When you see another person for the first time in the morning, you say "Good morning" and make eye contact. Every day. Every person.

- When you walk into a room that has another person in it, you say "Hi" and briefly make eye contact. Every day. Every person.

- When you leave the house, you track down at least one adult and tell them you are leaving. Every time you leave the house/yard.

- Common courtesy is expected FROM all people TO all people AT ALL TIMES.

- Dirty dishes go into the dishwasher. The person who makes the dish dirty loads it into the dishwasher.

- You will do additional laundry on XX day at XX time, and will wash whatever is in the laundry room at that time. Otherwise, the person who wears the clothes does the laundry.

- Meals are served [when, where]. If he does not like the meal that is being served ____.

- Curfew is ____ on school nights; ____ on weekends. If for whatever reason he realizes he will not be able to make it home on time, he must call in advance to let you know he is safe.

- Driving priveledges are___. To be allowed to drive your car, he must do [grades, chores, tickets, etc.].

Keep it short, keep it simple. Then when the basics are in place, up the ante.

These are all very good answers. We have nagged him for 4 months now to get a job beisdes the one he has where he only works 10 hours a week so he has money for college, car repairs, I'm sure he is planning on living with us for 4 some years. The nagging about sending out thank you cards for graduation gifts a month ago, and everything else we expect are getting old. It would be great if one of the expectations when he moved in was to just tell him once. He's a big boy. I shouldn't but I am taking it personal that he is ignoring that I am even in the room. I have been very very nice to him but I think I'm just had my fill of the ignoring.Being a step mom is so hard. huh?

This behavior should have been addressed from day one by your husband. Not a matter of whether he likes you or not, nor your status as (just?) his father's wife, it is unacceptable.
I agree with the excellent list of rules provided by sweeby.
I wish I could enforce some of them on some adults I happen to see 2-3 times per week, who chose to look through me, but that's another story.

I agree that basic civility is required (but the *exact* boundaries of which may be hard to agree upon), and I agree that absolutely all members of a household above a certain age should chip in with household tasks, which should be agreed on at the very least by the two "parental figures" (though I think his father should lay down these chore rules, not SM... but perhaps you have more leeway to be the one to vocalize the rules if it was your house first or you are a primary breadwinner and personally pay a chunk of SS's living expenses). And I also agree that there's a lot that can be communicated through silence, and it's not always great, and often you can feel it.

And thus here's where I see the next potential Big Problem. Let's say you & your husband get your SS to do all chores expected always on time and perfectly done, and you also succeed in getting him to spit out the requisite "good morning"'s or "why, thank you"'s. Is that going to be enough? Try to imagine the situation and ask yourself honestly. What if you get all the little verbal niceties ---each & every time he enters or exits the room, even--- and he still doesn't want to talk to you beyond that, and/or still just doesn't like you. Most likely, you're going to be able to tell. But then how do you handle it? Because at this point, you're not going to have anything you can really complain about, since he's doing everything you have asked. What will be next?

Being a SM is WAAAAAYYYYYYY hard. We love these children and, alot of times, they don't love us back. I'm with Sweeby. Common courtesy is expected to all people and he should treat you with respect as he would treat any adult. Period. Maybe DH should tell him that it's your home, too and if he's not willing to be respectful and pay his way around there he should find somewhere else to live.

OOPS! That sounded a little harsh? I forgt what board I was on.

I've been in this sort of situation from both sides. I have a tense relationship with my SM wherein I will be civil to her (sometimes even more than civil and actually do nice things for her) but I really don't want to talk to her any more than I have to mainly because she twists my every word around and uses it to drive a wedge between my father and I, which I refuse to get drawn into enabling her do. So, civility suffices for me, but I doubt it does for her. And I feel genuinely bad about that, because I know firsthand how it sucks when you know someone is just being civil but really just kinda doesn't like or trust you. Becasue I had a situation at work like that. Two co-workers just sort of decided they were going to freeze me out of not only nice conversation but also important work-related conversation. It sucked. So I know how it is from the other end. It's no fun at all sitting there having to wonder what you may have done (if anything) for someone to dislike you. Sometimes it really isn't anything you've done. But it also doesn't hurt to try different approaches to reach the person, or to eventually stop pushing it if you can't reach them, or to honestly ask yourself if there maybe is one or two things you could be doing differently to help the situation.

If at all possible, try to determine what if any reason the SK's may have to be so uncommunicative. Figure out if it's personal against you or just the way they are with most adults. Figure out if they're still having adjustment issues from their parents' divorce. Ask yourself if there's anything you might be doing that they could conceivably find overbearing and recoil from. Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. Maybe it's not the way YOU are in the blended family but a resentment on the SK's part about how their father relates to them since you came along. Try to find out what's behind it. Make few changes that may be within your power, but also accept that it might not be in anyone's total control how they feel about you.

serenity, I'm sure it will be enough for me to be recognized as being in the same space, same home.the respect I deserve. it makes it a very uncomfortable situation and tension between husband and I because he feel responsible. the chores, from raising my own children I know nothing is perfect with that but nagging all the time is too much.
Thank you all for the very good responses. I'm glad I opened up!

I love what ashley said. Right on!

if he would be 10, i would suggest this or that approach. He is 18- grown up. He has no excuse to be rude and he does not need lectures how to behave, at age 18 he needs to know what is appropriate and what's not. You have been married for 4 years, it is not like he just found out mommy and daddy got divorced. this is a convenient excuse: i am disturbed my parents are divorced so i refuse to grow up. I don't buy it. 4 years is a long time. If he does not like his home life, well, maybe he can go try to live on his own. I don't think this kind of behavior should be tolerated. How to change it? I don't know, if that's how he benaves at 18 it might be too late to change. does he start college in the fall? maybe he'll see how tough life is when he is on his own.

Is there a rule about who should say hi first? When my exH's current wife gave my child a hard time about not saying hi first when SHE walked into the room, I decided to take an informal survey among my co-workers - and there was no consensus. They eventually came to the conclusion that it didn't matter who said hi first, and none of them had ever even thought about it.

IMO, it doesn't matter in the slightest, though it seems more natural for the person walking in to say "Hi" since the person already there is presumably doing something other than watching the door, so therefore might not even be aware of another person's entry. Being picky about who says "Hi" first seems pretty petty to me.

it is not about who says "hi" furst. i don't see OP complaining that he does not say "hi" first, her complain is about somehting else .

...it seems that OP's SS does not talk to her at all not even saying thanks or anything, so this is more than just who says "hi" first. plus he is the same way with his stepfather. if let's he does not like SM (not good enough excuse for being rude) but he does not like stepdad either? Skid just thinks that if parents got divorced, he does not need to show good manners. i don't think so.

hi lucy, I went through what you are currently going through. When my SKs were 18-22 they ignored me. They lived with DH and myself and would walk into a room - say hi dad and not say hi to me. It was hurtful. When DH mentioned to SD that it was wrong to act the way towards me (SD then 22) SD blew up and ran out of the house crying. I tried and tried to be nice and went out of my way to be good to them with no change.
They are older now but still at times direct questions that involve situations, items, finances, events that involve/include both DH and myself but only direct the questions to DH while I am sitting right there. They leave me out of the conversation about things that involve me.
Many times it is about financial matters. I get so tired of it.
What I have done is if it is something I feel they really want to know especially about DH and my financial matters, I ignore them. They ignore me so I have started to ignore them. I know two wrongs don't make it right, but I feel they are adults and should know better. If they get some of their own medicine maybe they will learn or wake up and start to act like decent adults should act. I have seen how they treat other people they like and they never ignore them.
I have seen a small change since I have started to ignore them. I think they have realized that to get everything they want it also involves Dad's wife. I also will not freely help DH with matters that the kids have not involved me in. For example, if they want to bring their friends to our home for the weekend and they do not ask me. I will not prepare food, make up beds, or clean up after them when they leave. I leave it all to DH. Things have changed and DH now has them ask me too if they can bring friends to visit.

Also, I feel this is DH's fault for allowing such behavior. I know DH does not want to upset his kids by saying to them "you should not act like that" ("what a whimp"). He does not want his kids to be upset or run out of the house crying. What a sad man that he can't teach his kids the correct way to treat his wife.

I hope this helps. You are not alone. Some adult stepkids can be rude and inconsiderate. I have seen it and lived it. I believe it comes from the bio parents not wanting to upset their children (divorce guilt) which in turn turns them into rude adults. It also can come from the children feeling they shouldn't be good to their stepmom/stepdad because it is like slapping the bio mom or bio dad in the face. Also, in my situation bio mom had alot of influence and made her kids feel like they could not be friends with me. I could give examples but that would be another long post.
Hang in there. Remember it is not you. It has to do with divorce guilt issues and stepkid loyalty issues. Stepparents have to have broad shoulders for all the issues they have to deal with. It is hard.

my exBF was this way wiht his grown kids, as long as they are happy and not crying everything else does not matter. awful attitude.

If my DD would be rude to SM, I hope that my X would tell her to stop it right there. parents' divorce is not an excuse to be obnoxious. And I have hard time understanding when 22-year-old grown people are allowed to act like children. If they want to run out and cry then maybe next time they run out, he should lock the door so they will end up crying somewhere else. When i was 22, i was on my own raising a family.

I feel so much stronger now, thank you all for you comments.

"Some adult stepkids can be rude and inconsiderate. I have seen it and lived it. I believe it comes from the bio parents not wanting to upset their children (divorce guilt) which in turn turns them into rude adults. It also can come from the children feeling they shouldn't be good to their stepmom/stepdad because it is like slapping the bio mom or bio dad in the face."

No doubt that there are probably plenty of situations where those reasons are the primary causes. However, it also sometimes happens that the SP treats the SK's in an abusive manner, from which they would naturally recoil. Anyone would. Not at all suggesting that this is the case with OP, or anyone on here in particular. But just to point out that there DO EXIST some SP's who do not treat their stepchildren kindly ---who are in fact exceptionally rude to *them*-- and therefore don't EARN respect from them. Being outside of any of these situations, it's impossible to tell which is which. But if, let's say, there was actually soem scientific litmus test that would "prove", somehow, on paper, that a step-parent was ill-treating a step-child, I hope no one on here would still insist that the step-child jump through a bunch of hoops beyond the most basic cordial displays of civility, let alone ACTUALLY RESPECT that step-parent.

I'm just sayin': there are all kinds of people, and all kinds of combinations in these situations. Sometimes the lines of who's fault it is, or who should defer to whom, or even what outward behaviors constitute sufficient "respect", and in what contexts, can be exceptionally blurry. Thats what makes all this so hard...

I agree with you serenity, every situation is different. In order to help me understand can you give me a few examples from your own experience of a stepparent treating an adult stepchild with disrespect, bearing in mind my attention span is relatively short.

Thanks

From my own experience: insulting the step-child's body shape, clothing, mother, complexion, boyfriend, etc; going out of one's way to interfere with visitation b/n step-child and parent in all manner of ways (including pitching week-long epic fights with parent or telling parent to break plans with stepchild and inserting own relatives instead; as well as with-holding parent's psychotropic drug intake so parent is especially anxious for the duration of step-child's visit); refusing to eat food cooked by step-child and/or criticizing the meal the entire time it's being eaten; removing pictures of the step-child from the premises as well as gifts given to parent by step-child; telling parent (in front of step-child) that step-child should just go away b/c stepchild "doesn't give a s**t" about parent; 'bait and switch' tactics of soliciting conversation from step-child and then twisting words around and betraying trust as a weapon with which to drive a wedge between step-child and parent; plenty of "if it wasn't for you" type comments directly to step-child ("if it wasn't for you, I would have been able to visit my own family more"; "if it wasn't for you, your Dad & I would have had a child together", "if it wasn't for you, your Dad would leave me everything in his will", etc.); setting oneself up as the "gatekeeper" to any and all conversation between step-child and parent by removing parent's personal phone, etc; and forcing impossible choices designed to be no-win situations with the goal of further driving that wedge between step-child and parent.

From others' experiences that I've heard about: up to and including physical or sexual abuse... or Sieryn's situation: out-and-out taking of property and attempt to imbricate step-child into one's own petty fraud schemes.

None of the above merits any respect whatsoever.

"In order to help me understand can you give me a few examples from your own experience of a stepparent treating an adult stepchild with disrespect, bearing in mind my attention span is relatively short."

Here's a quick one for ya Colleen: My Fathers 'quick' remarriage. His new wife gave us wrong directions to the church for their wedding. Then commented to me at her reception 'well I didn't think that YOU would show up HERE'.

Apparently, stepchildren never do anything to come between BP and SP.
How about SC getting mad at SM because SM and BD are fighting because SM WANTS BD to spend more time with his kids?
How about SM asking, "what did I do to make you hate me?" and the SC screaming, "You married my father!"
How about SC calling SM, "stupid B*tch" with her fist drawn back?
How about SC fabricating or exaggerating everything they tell the BM so that BM physically assaults SM, and revokes visitation for 16 months, because now her children are "afraid" of SM or BD or whatever she makes up?
How about SC threatening to KILL SM's child?
Physically harming child or pets?
I could go on, but I am getting mad.
Respect is a two-way street!

MrsMD, Of course respect is a two-way street! I don't think any of the previous posters meant anything otherwise...
But respect has to be earned and kept! By all parties!

Everyone has their cranky moments, and everyone can be inconsiderate from time to time, so there's a certain amount of "turn the other cheek" that we all have to do in life... but everyone has a breaking point where they just can't (and shouldn't) do it anymore. Depending on the situation, it can be SP or SC that is too rude/inconsiderate/malicious/etc for the other to tolerate it anymore...
There are crappy SPs and crappy SCs. There are good SPs and good SCs. Just because Serenity has a crappy SM, doesn't mean that all SMs are awful or that all SCs are good.

It does not sound that OP is doing anything horrible to her disrespectful SS. I think we should respond to particular situation that person describes and pay attention what OP says.

Of course if SM is horrible, it is a different story. But when SKs are grown and not disabled and stepparents are awful, SKs don't need to live there. Sieryn's SM is evil, absolutelly evil, but sieryn stays away, she does not attempt to live in the same household, make her SM to do things for her, serve her hand and foot, pay her bills and then complain. Right?

If OP's SS hates her that much, he is welcome to leave. Oh wait... he hates stepfather too. how strange... both stepparents "maybe" are disrespecting SS. "Poor SS". Somehting does not add up.

And here's a quick one for you sieryn. After spending $15,000 of my money and driving for 35 hours, one way, my adult stepdaughter says to my daughter, Hey, I didn't know SHE was coming. Is that respect?

15,000? what did you buy for her? was it a wedding or college tuition?

A wedding fd.

so you paid for a wedding and then she says: SHE was coming. some pople have a nerve...

nah, when your child is hurt it really is different.

How can anyone earn respect if they are treated like they are invisible from the outset? By not expecting any, until magically one day they have earned it? Who decides who is worthy of a 5, 10, or 18 yo child's respect?
Aren't you presuming that OP must have somehow caused this child to disrespect her in the first place? Ignoring someone in their own home IS disrespect. He does it to stepdad, too? Probably a few mean teachers on his list, also. So, anyone HE decides isn't worthy can be totally ignored, and that's okay? Gosh, the real world will have fun with him. Will every boss, supervisor and co-worker he ever meets be required to earn his respect, or will their title or experience be enough? Perhaps that depends on what is in it for him.
Funny, when I was growing up, kids were taught to respect adults because they were adults. Now, of course, if an adult did something a little worse than asking you say hello, goodbye, please or thank you, you had every right to be rude to them....Gosh, I think I even asked my kids do do this when in the company of STRANGERS!

I think you should ignore him.

The more you try to clamp down, the more you're going to get into a battle over semantics. (Does "hey" count? What about "What's up?")

You are choosing to have an adult live with you and it's his house, too. Maybe he doesn't feel like being social. He's not a child any more and you can't treat him like one. So either tolerate the adult he is or send him out on his own.

Boy, do I know this situation all too well. Beau has two adult D's (19 & 24) and they live with us. I got along with them very well for the first 8 years and I was especially close to the youngest one prior to me moving in 4 years ago. Things went downhill almost immediately because I asked the eldest not to lean her freshly-dyed and wet, hot pink hair on my leather sofa. She already ruined her dad's sofa with pink dye a few years earlier. I got the silent treatment by the next day. She would only speak to me if she needed something. Her rudeness was so blatant that if BF, sister and I were all in the living room talking and sitting on my furniture, she would sit in the doorway of the living room/kitchen, on a kitchen chair (her BF's property), speak only to them and not to me. This went on for weeks and BF finally told her to grow-up and knock it off. She complied w/BF's request, but said that the living room furniture was "evil and cold" - an obvious metaphor. Her attitude toward me became even worse after that. SD's G-ma felt that SD was jealous - I dunno.

The whole situation was awful. I caught her sticking out her tongue and making faces at me on numerous occasions; for no reason too. I could be cooking dinner and turning around to get something and boom catching her in the act. It escalated to the point of her calling me an FB and stomping out of the room because of a conversation I was having with her sister. I told BF he had better talk to her because I was going to light into her. He was so angry that he blew-up at both girls - the youngest did nothing to deserve his anger. After that the youngest would only speak to me when her sister wasn't around. I guess she felt like she was otherwise disloyal. About two mos later I came home from work early and found the older one using something of mine w/o asking. I said something to the effect that you really need to ask first and she again left in a huff.

I told BF that I felt it would be best for me to move out because I had had enough. He was furious, called a family meeting, yelled at them and accused me of wanting to bale on him (again youngest on did nothing wrong). I told them that I realized how hard it must have been for them to have another person share their space, but it wasn't easy for me either. I was used to living alone and having things kept a certain way. I told them that they didn't have to like me, but they had to at the very least respect my property, but I felt that I should move. The older one, then 22, said no don't - I plan on moving out with my boyfriend in a couple of months.

She did move out and everything was so much more relaxed in the house. Everyone got along well and it was like a regular family, unless oldest stopped by. Then I would get the cold shoulder from youngest again. Seven weeks ago the now 24 year-old moved back in with us. She has grown up a bit and part of the time exercises common courtesy's, but I can't wait for her to move out again. Her BF and I were/are planning to elope this fall prior to her coming back here. I hope she accepts that her BF has a life too.

As an aside, I'm not saying that I was perfect in this, as I am sure that I came across as nagging and stringent. I've been poor, put myself through school, started my own business and worked hard for everything I have. I've done without and take nothing I own for granted. I expected the same from others and I probably came on too strong.

It appears that these posts sometimes goes off the original posters (lucy) topic. The OP does not sound like she has been mean, rude, disrespectful to her SS.

I know from what I went through that I was never mean, rude, or disrespectful to my SKs. They were mean, rude and disrespectful to me. When DH asked the SKs about their behavior towards me they said it didn't matter who I would have been they would of done the same things to who ever married their dad.

It has just been recently after 8 years that I have started to ignore them (being rude). It seems this has started to make them come around and be nicer to me. It is so out of my character to be this way but it has helped me to sheild myself from the SKs rudeness.

I agree there are many types of step family relationships. However, from the OP topic I do not think lucy has been disrespectful to her SS. It appears SS is being rude and needs to be set straight by his Dad or move out.

I agree with sunnygarden, although there are nasty SMs out there, it does not sound like OP is one. Plus 18,22,24 etc are not children anymore. Even if they are not fully independent economically, they are not children. They can serve in army and can marry and can be parents themselves.

We should trully distinguish between children and grown ups.

I did not want to live with my parents, they are nice, but I just did not want. So I didn't.

If these grown children choose to stay wiht parents, they should be decent. If they don't like staying with parents, they should move. They cannot have both: rip benefits of staying in parents house in adulthood but be obnoxious at the same time. You don't like SM or SF? Move.

Sunnygardenme pointed that some of these POSTERS got off of the original post, i.e., Lucy. I am probably the guilty party and I realized that after I submitted my post and went to bed. Lucy's story seemed all to familiar and it brought up so many buried issues - sorry for not addressing you, Lucy.

I too wanted to say that being ignored is hurtful. I have also taken to ignoring the SK's out of my own best interest and sanity, although it sometimes makes me feel petty and passive aggressive to dish it back instead of rise above. It would be nice if this SS would treat you better, but it sounds like he has some issues that are unfortunately transfered onto you. Focus on yourself and your husband.

I totally agree with mrsmaddog -

In the real world you need to acknowledge everyone if you want to be successful. Being social is a skill that must be practiced - and some need more repetition that others to get it right.

My 12 y/o SS is the same way - he won't acknowledge me half time. At first I was quite offended by it. But I noticed he is this way with 90% of the adults he comes in contact with. There is no eye contact on his part. Never once have I heard him ask me, or anyone else, "How are you?". It's like he doesn't give a hoot how anyone else is. Yeah, well, good luck in the real world with that attitude.

I've tried being extra outgoing with my SS, talking to him and trying to get him to open up to me. I've also tried the ignoring approach. Neither seem to make a difference. He's off on his own planet, regardless.

I have brought this up to my DH many times. He tells me "Oh, he's shy. He's just laid back." I've stressed that I think we should work with my SS, to help hone is social skills. My advice is ignored. All I can do it try!

You are in a difficult situation, and one that will not be easily remedied at this point.

A pattern has developed for the past 4 years with this young man, and perhaps much longer. Since it was not addressed or resolved initially, it will always be a sore point in your home.

You could yell, threaten, or issue the 10 commandments of household behavior, but it's not likely to do any good. This young man has your number and his step-dad's as well.
He has gotten away with this for far too long, and he never faced any consequences for it.

The biggest problem are both bio-parents. They are the enablers in this scenario, and one or both of them will continue to enable this young man.

He is not a "boy" anymore. He is a young man headed for trouble because of his disrespectful attitude towards authority figures. He will be learning some very hard lessons in life.

You need to talk to your husband privately about not letting this young man live with you. If you don't, his rude behavior will be a daily ritual at your house for the next four years or longer. Are you prepared for that?

There are thirteen year old boys at my church who reach out and say hello at my church to fellow parishoners. They even make an effort at conversation. So, I don't buy the "it's just normal teenage behavior" cop-out argument for all inconsiderate actions by 13-19 year olds.

The young man you have described is way too immature to go to college. He may even have a severe personality disorder. So, going to college right now would be a waste of everyone's time and money.

He needs to grow up and the best way for him to do this is for him to get and hold a job. He needs to do this for a year, before thinking about college. Otherwise, he will just fail his first semester and never go back. Then he will be reluctant to try anything - including work.

The dad needs to handle this situation himself. He should tell the young man that he needs to grow up, be respectful of others, and work and save.

The dad needs to agree that the son should not live with you. He will either have to move in with friends and pay his own way, or continue to live with his mom and pay her rent.

Your husband cannot dump this problem on you to try and fix. If he does, you both will need counseling.

Stand firm. You need to come first now after four years of this nightmare.

I would absolutely NOT recommend putting off college for a year and working, not if he is eligible for financial aid. The financial aid computation assumes that fifty percent of whatever he earns is available to pay for college, so if he works full-time that results in a significant decrease in the financial aid package. In addition, in most states once you are out of school you are no longer covered by your parents' health insurance. Say he earns $16,000 a year - his EFC for college will increase by $8,000. If he has to pay even $250 a month for health insurance, that is another $3,000. Commuting costs could easily run $200 a month at the current price of gas - that leaves just over $200 a month - and if he pays rent to a parent, that will be gone. He should be going to school at least half-time, so he will be eligible for health insurance through the school. If he is capable of getting into a really good college and getting an academic scholarship, it is better financially to go immediately rather than transferring, because many academic scholarships are only available if you start as a freshman.

On another topic, I think far too many extroverts think everyone should be just like them. There is nothing inherently better about being the kind of teenager who talks to perfect strangers. I'd much rather live with a quiet, reserved teenager than an obnoxious, loud one.

... "his reasoning was he treats his step father ... the same way." So he admits to treating you poorly, but it's all right because he's doing the same thing to the other step-parent. That's probably his rational for not being polite to other people as well. No wonder he is coming to live with you full time.

Your husband was wrong to agree to let him move in with you without consulting you or considering your feelings.
I think that you need to work on a timeframe for getting the son on his own. This is not fair to you.

What is he not doing to prepare for college? Does he even want to go? How much of an effort is he going to make if he is not doing the things he needs to do right now? What will happen if he flunks out or drops out? These are just a few things to consider.

I personally would not want my son or daughter to go to college right away if they had to be told what they needed to do, and then they just didn't do it.

I think it's perfectly ok to have a quiet, shy or reserved teenager. That is certainly preferable than having a loud, obnoxious one.

However, the young man you described may not be just shy or reserved. After four years, he seems to be still pretending that you don't exist. Only you can determine if that is the case. If so, then some family counselling is long overdue. If it is a personality disorder, then it will continue unless it is treated.

You shouldn't have to suffer alone anymore. Please find a counselor and let us know how it goes. Good luck!

Just wanted to say "Thanks T.O.S." for that awesome information about what happens if you wait a year to go to college. I've kind of been toying with that idea for my older son who seems to be growing up a bit more slowly than I'd like. (He is growing up, but seems to be a year or so behind his peers maturity-wise...)

Other than financial aid and health insurance, are you aware of any other reasons for not waiting?

sweeby,

You're welcome. Financial aid and health insurance are the major negatives associated with waiting a year. Sometimes kids can get accepted to college and then defer for a year, especially if they are going to do something impressive, like rebuild houses after Katrina. That way they wouldn't jeopardize their financial aid.

I also wonder that sometimes an option is to take courses at a community college for a year or two and then trasfer to university. If the kid is not mature or did not do well in school, community college is OK transition, classes are easier, more help available, cheaper (much cheaper) and he/she can stay at home for another year while still going to college, not sitting around. We have excellent community colleges in my area. I myself took few classes (not for a degree but needed some credits) as an adult and I was very pleased with quality of instruction.

I'll second what FD said on this one.
A dear friend's younger brother (17yo) has Asperger's. He was diagnosed when he was 10ish and has come a LOOOOOONG way, but his mom and sister don't think he's quite ready for university. He gets great marks, and is very intelligent, so would certainly be accepted to almost any Canadian university, but just isn't mature enough yet - especially since he desperately wants to move to Toronto for school.

My friend thinks he would do really well going to the boarding school near the city for grade twelve (~45 minute drive from home, but ~10 minute walk from his grandparents') and he really wants to go, but his mom thinks he would be lonely away from her.
If he doesn't go to the boarding school for grade twelve, he'll do a year or two of part-time classes while living at home to get used to university before he plunges in.

Anyhow, doing a year or two of transition is a great choice for many people! Every situation is different, but it's a good thing to consider.

This is not a boy anymore.
I would suggest you speak to him right in front of his father. Tell him you do not like the fact that he doesnt acknowledge you in your own home and its disrespectful to you as a person , a human people. Its common courtesy to adress someone when spoken. And add the fact that just because he did that in his mothers home and it was accepted doesnt' mean its accepted under this roof. Your mothers rules do not apply here.
He is an adult. And he should be expected to pay his way in bills as well. This is how i feel. He can at least pitch in for groceries. Its still cheaper than living on your own. Tell him this and if he doesn't like it then he can move out.
At first i would have ignored him and cooked him nothing and did nothing in the sense of cleaning or preparing him for college with that attitude. I had a friend who had a 18 year old like this. He told him him get a job or join the military. his son joined the military.
His father should have adressed this attitude more than 6 years ago and it should not have taken this long. 7 years is a long time for no acknowledgment. His father has spoken to him at no end and it hasn't changed. You stand up as a human being and speak to him. He is not child any longer. Voice you opinion. And if he ignored you at this point and walks out, PACK HIS BELONGINGS AND LEAVE THEM AT THE STEPS. MAYBE THAT WOULD GRAB HIS ATTENTION. eh?
Waht does his mother think?

Good luck with that.