Reasonable contact..

15 years ago

We've had these discussions in the past and I wanted to pass on some information that I came across and then discussed with my therapist.

What is 'reasonable' regarding contact with your child while they are visiting or at the other parents?

I'm not quoting exactly, I'm remembering what I read and then the discussion I had with therapist.

However many years a child has been alive, is how many days they can go without contact to their parent, either parent, doesn't matter.

So dd is 10 and it should be reasonable to expect her to go 10 days without contacting me while at her dad's. Now my therapist agreed but has a few additional thoughts. In our situation with it being new and she hasnt been spending more than a few days away at a time, it would be reasonable to expect that she might want to call me sooner than 10 days, maybe 3 or 4 days. Also, to allow her to go several days without me contacting her, and to allow her to make the first call when she is ready will help to insure her growing into an independent adult.

That's when I scream, well what about me!?!! Lol

It's not that I 'have' to hear from her or talk to her every day, I just miss her like crazy. I'm trying to just stay busy and it had helped to literally shut off my brain from thinking, is she ok, is she happy, is she sleeping well, is she actually with BD or is he working long hours, is she minding her manner, is she being respectful, is she taking a bath every day, is she eating her vegetables, is she brushing her teeth at night, is she taking her medicine... And the list goes on and on and on. But I actually have had moments in the last few days where a thought wonders into my mind, and I just push it out. I just stop and say 'enough, get busy with something'.

So anyway-- I just wanted to share that information since it's come up a few times in threads. I think it's reasonable for the skids who have BMs calling several times a day, to only talk to their kids once every few days UNLESS they ask to call. If they bring it up on day 2, if it were me, I would absolutely hand the phone and say OK but if parent is calling 12 times a day and kiddo is not 'asking' to talk to mom, in my BM opinion... They should be able to handle 10 days if they are 10 yrs old, 7 if they are 7 ect.

I think I have come to realize that contact with DD is MY want or need and that DD is sort of an out of sight out of mind kid still... So as long as she is 'fine' I need to be fine.

Although, it would be nice to hear from her soon.. We were ordered to provide her with a cell phone, well we agreed to it but she has not called and I have not made an attempt to call either. I don't want to annoy BD and SM. I want to prove to them that things have changed and that I'm not 'crazy' as they seem to think I am. Also, dd is not 6 anymore, she is 10 and she handles things differently now than she did 4 years ago and I know that she is ok. I hope she is ok.

Happy Father's Day to all the dad's, stepdad's, granddad's etc.

'Flesh and Blood does not make a father, what is in the heart is what makes a DAD!'

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Comments (10)

lovehadley
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
You are so wise and such a great mom!

"I think I have come to realize that contact with DD is MY want or need and that DD is sort of an out of sight out of mind kid still... So as long as she is 'fine' I need to be fine."

that's a huge step and kudos to you for realizing it. I also have no doubt that, despite your understandable and natural want to talk to your DD often, you haven't placed an unfair burden on her.

My SS's BM expects contact anytime SHE chooses.

DH had a big issue just this morning.

BM got SS a cell phone last week and told him he would be bringing it to our house so she can call him anytime and he can call her.

Well, at 9 yrs old, of course he wants a cell phone. He thinks it's the coolest thing ever.

DH told him no last week.

This AM he picked SS up at BM's and she handed SS his phone and said "Keep your phone on so I can call you anytime."

DH said he didn't even say anything, just pulled on out of the drive, and immediately took the phone from SS. And told him they had already discussed it and DH had said no, and that BM can allow SS the phone at her house, those are her rules, but at our house, the answer is no. No cell phone.

we have a home phone that is strictly for SS/BM. Anytime it rings, SS knows it's his mom and he can choose to answer or not answer. And he can call her anytime he wants, as well.

A cell phone is jst another means on BM's end to have constant contact to SS---to infrige upon DH's time, and make sure SS isn't having *too much fun* without her. It's really sick.

Anyway, DH said SS cried for about 5 mins but he's been at our house all morning, we're getting ready to head to the pool and a family bbq, and he's perfectly fine.

I'm sure BM will blow up once she realizes the cell is turned off and will not be allowed----but whatever. She can blow up all she wants.

Sorry to ramble on.

I think reasonable contact is vague and I for one wish the courts would define it more clearly for hostile situations like ours.

BM thinks reasonable is multiple calls a day.

I do think the child's age thing makes sense.

I don't know. When I took SS on vacation two yrs ago, he was 7 and his mom asked that I have him call once in the AM and once in the PM. I had no probllem with that b/c we were out of the country and I knew she was worried/anxious. But I did have to practically force SS to make the calls some days. He just wasn't think about his mom that often, in the same way MY DD doesn't think about me when she's sleeping at a friend's house or a grandparents' house, etc. In the same way SS doesn't really think about his dad much when he's with BM.

If it were totally up to SS, I think he'd call his mom every couple days if he could choose.

You are a GREAT mom, myfampg, and I hope your DD calls you soon. I have no doubt she loves and adores you and it is THAT foundaiton of love that enables her to withstand the times apart. Honestly, I'd be more concerned if she were calling you ten times a day!

"
JensNatPat
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Myfam I wish you were my BM!!! Great post!
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Dd asked her therapist to ask dad for a phone of her own. I'm actually against her getting in to having her own phone but if it were to just call me or dad then I would pay for it myself. Its $10 a month. Therapist thought it would be a good idea so she mentioned it to dad and he said no. He doesn't allow cell phones. Therapist has not been pleased with dad ignoring dd's requests so I expect her to let the judge know. There are so many things but there are ways around the courts. Dad could say phone was dead or they lost it or he could 'remove' it when dd isn't looking and then say it was lost. Or he could use it as punishment for behavior which I doubt he would need to do because dd is so scared to misbehave with him. She isn't afraid of dad by the way, but SM is very scary to her. The only thing that keeps me sane sometimes is knowing that dd has stepsister there with her and I think that keeps dd sane as well. She says she is scared to be there alone. Not because they would hurt her but it's unfamiliar to her. She doesn't like spending the night with people. She likes being at home. She would much rather a friend spend the night than go anywhere. And I think going to bd's is no different. It's just new and the room is different. She says she is scared of the noises and the tree outside the window. Etc. Nothing to do with bd or SM just dd not being familiar. She calls me from school on Thursday's and Fridays to say 'good night'. It's sad. She should be able to pick up the phone and say, good night right before getting in to bed. I remember when she was about 6, it was her first holiday away and she was gone for a week. She called half way through the week and was ok at first but it was about mid sentence #2 when she just bust in to tears and said she wanted to come home. They took the phone and hung up. I didn't even say anything to make her cry, she literally had just said hi mommy and I said HI DD!! How are you?? And she just bust in to tears. I do not believe they were being mean, I believe she was 6 and home sick. Nothing more. But they think that if she misses me it's disrespectful to them. There are times that out of the blue DD will say 'I miss my dad' and I always ALWAYS give her a hug and say I know but youll see him (fill in the date). If they did that, she would be fine. If they just let her know it is OK to miss someone then she probably would feel more comfortable. I hate to think what all of this does to her mind. Like what little things are swirling around in that brain when they do things like this. She always gets a tummy ache before she goes to their house. Never fails, Wednesday she is clingy and sick. I just comfort her and act like it's just a belly ache... Never fails though. She is never excited. My dd is a spitting image of her dad. Down to the shape of her toes and toe nails. I'm not even sure who the mother is. Lol I just wish he could enjoy every little minute instead of it being about erasing her life from the moment she arrives to the moment she leaves. I know this is awful of me but I'm going to admit it anyway. If we don't get what we want (no school nights) then we are moving. We live close so that this will be easier on dd. I don't transport her so it didn't matter to me if we lived 99.9 miles away. (we have to stay within 100 miles) But I knew that he would get his visitations back (it's what I wanted also. What's best for dd). I knew that if we lived far like we were, school mornings would be awful for her and/or he wouldn't get her. If they don't make changes, we are moving back. We moved away from everything to be closer so it would work out but I'm not staying here and putting dd through this again. I know I might get slammed for saying it but I'm already ready to move. We rent because we weren't sure where we would settle and this trial is going to be the deal breaker for us. Move back to where we are from and where our family is or stay here to keep dd close to bd. I sure wish he would just see the sacrifices we have made as a family to help him and dd have a better, closer relationship. I thought he would be more involved but he's not. It really did nothing for us. We actually hate this town. And this situation makes me hate it even more.
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myfampg
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Thank you Ladies -- made my day!!

Jens, I'd take you as an SM! I honestly wish I got along with the woman... But she's to insecure to acknowledge im a nice person, a good mom and not still in love with her husband. I would be naive to think that all my anger and resentment towards him doesn't come from some deep down 'love' but I'm not 'in' love with him nor would I want to rekindle our relationship. When she becomes his ex wife, she'll understand more.

Anyway -- the cell phone thing -- eehhh I wasn't excited to buy dd a phone but it was at her therapist request because BD and SM refuse her access to a phone to call when she wants. But I'm beginning to think they are refusing her access to her cell phone too since she hasn't called. My dd calls me when she is at my parents. She calls me all day for whatever reason. Now she is all in to texting. Lol only me of course. So it is kind of strange that she hasnt had the 'urge' to use her new cell phone to call me. But I'm hoping she is having too much fun to stop and call!
parent_of_one
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I think 10 or even 7 days is waaayyy too much, It would be too much for me and DD is 23, in fact she would worry if something happened to me. But daily phone calls might be excessive, they have to build bonds with other other parents. it is hard to find balance specially if the other parent does not cooperate.

Love's SS's BM is nuts with all her phone calls. Honestly I think 9 or 10 is too early for the phone, we were just talking about it last night at my dad's party. My niece is 9 and my brother has no plans to get her a phone any time soon. We got DD a cell phone when she was 14 and started high school, until then she used home phone or my phone when with me and dad's cell and home phone when with him. But then again we cooperated...Must be very hard with non-cooperative exes.
myfampg
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Right ... And I was court ordered to. It literally is in it's own paragraph. Custodial parent is to purchase phone, is responsible for monthly charges and any extra charges for cell phone.

I understand about you and your DD. I talk to my parents daily and I am a grown adult. I could not go long without talking to my MOM!!
kkny
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
My DD is older, but if not excessive or annoying, her dad can call her every day if he wants, as long as not after bedtime, or during dinner. She talks to friends, why cant she talk to her dad. I usually dont call her at his unless soemthing requires it (like your coach called, practice delayed)
myfampg
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Yes kkny, I encourage her dad to call but since he doesn't want me calling his house when he has her, he won't call me. Dd really enjoys getting phone calls and would love to hear from her dad and I would be OK with it. Like I said, I talk to my parents daily sometimes multiple times -- ok.. Honest truth, I rarely go without talking to them multiple times daily lol
We are very close.
I have just had to come to terms with how it is going to be. That way I can be happy or else I will feel out of control and angry that 'they aren't letting me talk to her'. It's not something I can control so I have been doing some research to help me get to a place where I feel comfortable about the situation.
pseudo_mom
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
was just thinking ...lol ... rent a billboard on her daily route so she might see it ..

Love Mom talk to you soon

wouldn't it be wonderful if there was one outside her bedroom window!
myfampg
Original Author
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
That would be a great idea!! Lol

Still nothing today -- I don't even know if they are on town. They might be on vacation.

A lady at work made me a banana creme pie. I had not even told her anything as we are not close but she runs in DHs circle (we work together) they are upper management lol I'm not. Anyway she said she heard you were going through some stuff so I wanted to make you something to let you know I'm thinking about you. You come to work every day and I've never heard you complain, you always have a smile on your face even though you probably don't have much to smile about.
Wow! Made my day! Reminds me to keep my head up because people are watching... And notice. Awww
parent_of_one
15 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
how nice of her!

Reasonable contact..

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