Close, I think its great that you are working through all this, by posting here,and going to a counsellor. To me, it seems a bit one-sided, that you are doing all the wrong things, you are suffering all the anguish and its YOU who are trying to improve things. I still think its a blame issue....he finds ways to blame you for whatever is going on. I am very familiar with this situation in my house, so I can really identify with your problem. Please be on guard, you might see a pattern. Wouldn't it be great if everyone just said what they thought? If he just said, "My back hurts, I am just phoning for some sympathy, I really wish you were here to look after me." and with the plane delay thing "I would really like it if you came home as soon as you could." I guess it sums up what you said, unclear communication. You find this behaviour in children, you know.. they go all huffy, and you say "what's wrong" and they say "nothing!!". Its difficult to get to the bottom of the problem, and sometimes they don't even know themselves ! At least he apologised, thats good, thats adult. Keep working at it, "keep your powder dry" as Asolo said. LOL Popi

When my 27 year old daughter was about 6 we were looking to get a dog for the family. Putting that on hold for one Friday evening DH and I left the kids with a sitter and had a parents night out. Before dinner we stopped by an electronics store and bought a 27" Sharp TV. We put the large square TV box in the back of our mini-van and covered it with a blanket while we went to dinner. When we picked the kids up DD asked what was under the blanket. Joking, I told her it was our new dog. She lifted the blanket and without skipping a beat says "Oh, a Sharpei, I see." :-) I've always looked young for my age. When I was four mom took me to the movies one afternoon. The sign said "3 and under are free" so to save a few bucks mom told the ticket person that I was free. Feeling slighted, I stomped my foot and yelled, "I'm not free, I'm four!" Busted, mom! LOL Jodi-

i'm glad there wasn't a scene for you to deal with on christmas eve! i have a few thoughts for you... christmas is the day we celebrate the birth of a certain baby, who was sent to give the world a second chance. why? love. so christmas is really about love, whether or not you believe in that baby that was born in bethlehem. that's why we give presents to people we love--to show them that we love them. sure, it's a consumer thing nowadays. but say you'd lived back on the american frontier and had NOTHING to spare but a few scraps of fabric, think of all the time you'd have spent secretly sewing that fabric into dolls or whatever for your children. THAT is the true spirit of christmas, which is why i say you shouldn't cave today or tomorrow, and get her something for christmas anyway. give her a hug, and tell her you want to bake some cookies--or do any activity you can with her where you have time to talk to her. (if you're doing something, she'll be less likely to leave, but it'll also take some of the direct focus off the difficult things you need to say.) tell her you love her, but that her behavior was unacceptable. set a ground rule now and KEEP IT. tell her that christmas is about love, not about manipulating her birth mother into getting her what she wanted AND doing it in such a way that she just knew her mom would come over and throw it in your face. i bet you made her birth mom mad when you mentioned money because she didn't think about whether she could afford the stereo--she was probably told a version of the story calculated to make her so mad at how her daughter is being "mistreated" that she would act before thinking everything through. i don't think this means your daughter is particularly "bad" or anything, but i do think such behavior is likely to continue now that she's seen that it works. that is why you need to stick to what she said and not get her anything. teach her that she cannot issue ultimatums because SHE is NOT the one in charge here. she is still legally a child, and, well, she's behaving like one. i think it's very important that you connect these things verbally for her. tell her straight out--but try to do it gently so that she'll listen--that her behavior caused this whole situation, and her behavior is the reason she is not getting anything from you for christmas. she might not care much for the example, but tell her about one of the origins of the myth of santa claus, about the orphanage children in germany (?--i think) who were so happy to find oranges and nuts in their stockings on christmas morning because they were so poor that fresh fruit was a luxury. you need to teach her that kindness and love are the reasons we give presents at christmas, NOT to pacify a selfish little girl who knows how to make trouble. and when she says "well, if you loved me, then you'd give me something," then you say, "it's because i love you that i'm making sure you learn this lesson. you will not be able to get along with others throughout your life until you learn what sorts of behavior are acceptable." the goal is to make her understand that she caused a lot of bad feelings in your family just to get a stupid little stereo. if you do it right, that stereo will give her a sinking feeling every time she looks at it for a long time. you have to make her see that manipulation is not acceptable, nor are ultimatums. it's a hard lesson to teach her, but if you succeed, you'll be very thankful when she's older that she isn't the legendary witch of the family! also, i think you need to get with birth mother and talk about this if it's at all possible. tell her that you don't like the way the girl manipulated everyone, and that you want to get together and set some ground rules for behavior. she probably won't like hearing you say that her daughter manipulated her, so if you can say it kindly the first time, that would help. but make sure she knows that the girl DID manipulate her. this is not about finances, though it's a good time for both of you to talk to your daughter about that, too. if she's old enough to play you all off against each other, then she's old enough to understand "we can't afford it." you three parents are all going to have to be mature enough to block her when she tries to play you off against one another, and that means making sure that birth mom checks out the stories she hears before she goes out in a rage and does exactly what princess wants. in order to do that, you three will have to be on good speaking terms. it might help to say that you want to do what's best for the daughter in the long run, though it might mean being deprived of a monster stereo in the meantime. she'd have survived a lesser model just fine, and if her attitude had been better, you could have suggested that she could upgrade to a better stereo in a few years. one last thing--if her behavior improves, you should reward her somehow, but try to do it in a way that doesn't directly involve money. instead of taking her to the mall for a new outfit, tell her she can invite a few friends over for a slumber party--or "movie night" if she's too cool for slumber parties. ;) you'll spot them for movies, brownies and popcorn, and let them have fun. sure, you'll have to flash some cash to pull that off, but in the end, it's more about the activity with the other girls then about what they got. after all, the movie goes back (don't buy her a movie for this!), and they ate the food. oh, and she also gets to help clean up afterward, but try to minimize that, though don't let her get out of it. sorry this was so long--i'm up with a sore throat and can't sleep! i hope something in there is helpful to you. :)

Kitty, I understand you no longer feel hurt... it was a passing moment worthy of note - don't worry about how you felt then or feel now. At any rate, I was out at a restaurant Sunday. As an acquaintance joined me, she was handed a flower by the staff. I'd already been seated, no flower. Suddenly, the staffer gave me a rose, too, wishing me a happy Mother's Day. "But I'm not a mother,", I immediately thought, and wanted to hand it back. But I'm not one for a scene, and besides it was actually quite pretty. So I thanked the waitress, and after she left, I noted, "ah, I guess being a cat - mom must count?!" (I had a hysterectomy at age 31, and while I regretted being childless when my brother had two daughters, I'm fine about this now. For me, Mother's Day is simply remembering my own mother, and acknowledging the full and largely-happy life she had lead.)