I couldn't have said it better myself!
Thank you.

Wow. You certainly said it and said it well.

I'm curious as to how old your SKs were when you entered the picture? What is your DD's age?

I think it's absolutely beautiful that you feel the way you do. I wish I had been accepted from the start by my skids and could have skipped the hurt and disrespected stage, but I married their dad when they were 12, 14, 16. Tough times.

You are 100% correct by saying that no one wants any estrangement between the parents and the children. It has broken my heart to see my SS divorce himself from us and his mother. I'm angry at him on the one hand, pity him on the other, etc.

Anyway, thanks for posting this!

Dana

mom of 4...I'm so happy for your sk's that they have a step-mom like you. I would just like to point out about your last comment..."And let's be real... with the mass quantity of stress responsibility, heartbreak, and confusion that goes along with being a sm ... who would brave that terrain if they didnt care."...I'm speaking from experience that some women do "brave that terrain" with the idea that they will push the children out of their father's life. Some of those women are successful in doing that. I'm not putting you in that category. But I know that my SM does not care and would be perfectly happy if I were to completely disappear from my dad's life. It has been a very hard, very bumpy road.

My ex-husband's wife has forbidden visitation by all but one of my children for most of the last several years - by his own admission. Many women marry fathers in spite of the fact that they have children, hoping or planning to cut them out of his life.

TOS, I feel so bad for you. Good job for SMs that try to help kids maintain contact with dad. I do see a lot of postings by SMs who clearly would like kids out of the picture. It is helpful to me. Scary to me also is that everyone says my duaghter looks like me. I see a lot of positngs by SMs that clearly dont want a walking reminder.

Mom of 4,

First of all i want to say that you are truly a great mother,and all of the children are blessed to have you.
However i have a comment about generalizations.

I think that there are circumstances,(like my own) that make it impossible to treat all of the children equally,as if they were all your biological children.

In my case,that would mean putting my children's emotional well-being at risk.Although i genuinely care about my eldest step son,i could never make him a priority over the rest of the children in our home.

This is something that i've had a really hard time dealing with,simply because of the level of damage the rest of the children have suffered at the hands of the eldest.As much as i would have loved for all of our children to live in one home, I simply can't afford to risk the rest of the children's safety again.

"It is infact, about the children, and nothing greater can be given to the child than the love and support of EVERY person in his or her life."

Could anyone be able to be loving and supportive to their stepchild after learning he had been abusing and attempted to rape their 6 year old daughter?

Although i tried to hold on to the idea that we were one family ,and i needed to continue to treat them all as my "children".Taking care of a child who has abused your child,
will ultimately lead to strain, distress, and resentment.

I think this is just one of those "things" you would have to expierience to be able to relate to and understand.

?Maybe i'm not strong enough?,i just know that i couldn't do it. I'm hoping that one day,i may be able to....at some level.

Its distessing to have to face the fact that we'll never have the kind of family you described above...

-Dcubana

To answer your question my sks were 3, 5, and 7 when I came into the picture... they are now 6, 8, and 10 and my daughter is now 4.

RAEK ... it is my own opinion that marrying someones father does not make you a step mother... it makes you his new wife ... caring taking an active interest.. ie being a motherly figure makes you a step mother... I think that this is the true distinction that needs to be made. There is a difference between someone's new wife and a step mother. I am truly sorry for your experiences with your father's wife. I can only imagine how much it hurts to have someone in your life reject you and make it difficult to even maintain a positive relationship with your father.

TOS and KKNY- I do not doubt that there are those 'new wives' or second wives or whatever that would much rather children of the former relationship dissappear. However, as I said, my point was and is that not everyone is like that and after reading post after post with those generalizations I felt the need to state my own side. As to those women... Shame on them for even thinking of acting that way ... Shame on them for their selfishness, for their cold hearts and their lack of understanding for what is truly important in life. Shame on them for stepping into a world that they had no intention upon being apart of ... but rather with the intention of destroying it... But even more so... shame on the men and women if it comes to it that lets ANYONE into their life that would not love and accept their children... and shame on them for putting their own happiness that far ahead of their childs

dcubana- I believe I have read some of your other postings regarding the situation with your oldest step son. I can say that my heart goes out to you for all that you are going through and the courage that you are exhibiting dealing with the situation. The only thing that I can say is this... I have worked with kids that didnt give a care in the world about anyone or anything around them life and circumstance had made them what they are (I truly believe there is no such thing as a child that is just bad from birth) I know from experience time and again that it takes only one single person in a childs life that cares.... cares enough to not walk away... cares enough to be dissappointed... cares enough to smile to change that childs for life. For some it comes down to one moment of one day of genuine affection and caring that can help a child to choose to change their life forever. If I remember right your oldest step son is still fairly young... granted he knows right from wrong at this point and he definately does not need to be around the other children on a regular basis or maybe even at all at this point and time... but the fact is he is still in need of love and support and obviously help... If this were my son step or no ... I would have placed him somewhere where he could recieve help but at the same time I would be there as often as possible to support the help that is being given... getting him help (as I think you are doing from your posts) is not treating him unequally ... its doing what is in the best interest for him as you would and are doing for any of your children... To my way of thinking... it takes a whole lot of awful in a childs life to make them do awful things... in the end they are just as much as a victim as the person they hurt... granted they must suffer the consequences of what they have done but they also need their own special kind of love and support to heal themselves as well. It must be difficult to deal with this on a day to day basis and to see the hurt in your own childs eyes... but at the same time ... the heart and courage that you show to ALL of your children will last far longer than one might think.

I think you are a good mother also and I started out just like you. They were all "our" kids. I had them over for dinners, back yard cook outs, watermelon feeds, etc.. We made a day of it, volley ball, badmitten, water fights in the back yard. I drove the youngest to school and picked her up. I often went to help them start their cars with jumper cables, baby sat. The list goes on and on. One was already married when I met their father and as soon as the other two married things started to change. They would come over, eat and leave. For father's day they would come by with a gift and hug for him and then go to the in laws and spend the day. I have had dinner at his son's home 4 or 5 times in 33 years, dinner at the youngest daughter's maybe a dozen times, but it was the son in law that invited us and cooked the dinner. I have never eaten at his older daughter's home. the youngest daughter sent him a Valentine card in his name only. He told her to never do that again.....so right away she sent him a thinking of you on my email. So I eventually changed and stopped asking them over. All they wanted was a baby sitter and money. I often thought it was because they didn't like me, but the ex wife told me, "It's not you, they don't visit me either unless they want money". My husband died last month and I felt such a burden lifted off of me. I would never have to see him in that dementia ward again, his nightmare was over and I would never have to see his kids again.