Oh Jennifer! Your poor little baby. My heart goes out to her. My little one is almost 4 as well, and I know how she misses mommy or daddy when we have to travel on business. It's so hard to be separated, no matter what the reasons are. And this mother has a choice! How can you NOT want to spend time with your babies??? I bet that poor child does feel abandoned, and it has NOTHING to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with her mother.

Your mother is a very wise woman. It is not personal at all. And it is beyond your control. Though you care deeply for this little girl and want to take away her pain, you can't. Only one person can do that, but BM appears to be brain-dead when it comes to the needs of her own children.

You can only be there for this little girl. Let her know that you care. Don't try to replace her mother, but do show her that you love her. Give her an extra hug for no reason. Listen to her. Talk to her. Play with her. Take her out for ice cream.

It's so sad, but she will eventually realize who has been a loving part of her life and who hasn't. I just want to cry because I keep picturing my baby in your little girl's position and it breaks my heart! Jennifer, this little girl is so lucky to have you in her life and she will eventually see this very clearly. It's hard, but like you said "keep on truckin'". Hugs!

My Dad was an Elementary School Principle for over 25 years. His advice ... Young children are amazingly resilent to change as long as they have atleast one stable parent in their life. Things you can offer to help her through this ... Routines, rituals, a sense of belonging

I miss my children when they spend the night a grandma's. My husband has tried but been un-successful in triing to get me to go on a mini vacation with just him and I.

I really agree with something Betty said. Routines are so important for young children. It really drives home the fact that they are part of a family and have an important role. Obviously you need to be there for her, but don't let her desire to be left alone cause a greater disruption to her routines. That just leads to greater feelings of isolation and loneliness.

I know how temping it is to bash bio-mom, but you know that will do more harm than good. Just keep on truckin' and try not to take it personally. You know she loves you and is just going through a hard time right now. You don't have the power to change the facts of the situation, but you can be an example of love and compasion. In the longrun, that is more important than the short term heartache.

What a heart wrenching situation for you and for your SD. I have a little girl who is almost 4 and I just simply can't imagine not wanting to spend all of the time in the world with her.

I think stability is the key with her. She needs lots and lots of it from you and her father. She has NONE with her BM, so it is up to you and her father to compensate. (Unfortunately, that is the way it goes...)

You are a wonderful step-mother and your darling SD will appreciate your love and caring ways when she is older. I am sure you will reap the rewards of your love many times over for the rest of your life!

Keep your head up and know that she loves you, she is just confused.

P

Do you know whether BM has always been like this - Is it possible that this detachment on her part is a coping mechanism?

"I wish I could just tell her that it's her Mother's fault, that she wills it that way and has the power to change it, but just doesn't." What do you think your SD's reaction would be if something like this was said to her? What would you want her reaction to be?

Lea,

I've been told by my fiance and by his family that she has always been this way. D can't remember a time in their marriage that she wasn't off doing what she wanted, leaving him with the kids. At the time, there was a nanny there who picked up the slack of the Mother... And the nanny used to complain to me over and over about how detached she was from her children!
This little void has been there for a long time... In addition to being the second child, she was also nursed for only one week and then her Mommy went back to work within the month. Knowing her as well as I do, I also see her as being a person who is detached emotionally from mostly everything. She works for a firm that is very team-oriented. It's almost like a cult...these people work around the clock and sacrifice their lives for the business. I think as a result of this cut-throat environment, she has become very business-like in her approach to everything-especially in her relationships. It allows her the ability to not attach herself to much-even her own children. It amazes me how she can take off for cruises for a week, not be near a phone and be ok with that. Meanwhile we stay within 2 hours! But this is who she is.. I don't expect it to change.
Also, I know not to say those things to my SD. I have said them before and it does nothing.......just makes her want to defend her Mom...and why wouldn't she? The only thing I can give to her is my love and support. Being the bigger person isn't the easiest thing in the world for me...but I'll do it because I love her.

See, you got it right - your love and support is the best thing for her.

Two observations for you (hopefully you won't take them the wrong way - all of us who love this site for the great advice have to keep in mind that when we read these posts, we bring our own experiences and prejudices to them - I could be interjecting my own personal feelings here that really don't apply, but I just think they do because I assume you must feel the same way I do).

1. You are being way too hard on yourself - even if you COULD wave a wand and make things perfect - you shouldn't! I view my job as both a BM and SM to prepare my children for the real world - a world where they have responsibilities and obligations and a world that is not always fair or kind.

I joke about my chaotic little slice of paradise because I have never had any other experience where things are so challenging but at the same time so joyous and rewarding. For example, my five year old is at that stage where I have to tell him ten times to do things, it drives me crazy! Then I went to a kindergarten meeting (my baby starts kindergarten in the fall, sniff sniff) and the teacher gave all thirty or so preschoolers an "assignment" - to practice "first time listening" all summer, that when mom and dad tell you to do it the first time, you do it. I realized then it was just a normal stage and we will get through it just like everyone else does. The other day he made his bed on his own without me telling him to do it and I nearly jumped for joy!

I think as "blended family" parents we assume all our kids' problems stem from the fact that they don't have a "normal" home life - not true. I had a "normal" home life and a lot of the same issues I see on this website I remember from my own upbringing. So, IMHO, I think you are trying to compensate for the fact that dad is no longer with mom. Go easier on yourself - this is fun stuff!

2. I think you compare yourself to BM too much. Their love for her is different, and will always be different, but that doesn't mean they can't love you in a very special way and they will. It takes time.

I think we women (and maybe men too Bill?) compare ourselves to other women because we are looking to learn about ourselves. There are other ways to learn about ourselves, ways that are much more productive and positive.

I am guilty of it - I found myself comparing myself to my ex-husband's new girlfriend to see if I can find answers to what went wrong. She and I look a lot alike (both about 115, 5'3", long reddish-blonde hair, green eyes, very similar facial features), which is what gave me the idea of hey, it wasn't that he wasn't attracted to me anymore, it was that something was missing from our relationship. She's ten years older than me and has four kids, two of them in their early twenties. When I found this out, I was like, eureka! he wants a mother figure and that's not me, I am more of a "party-girl" then a mother figure (I relate to your kids' BM - I have a very busy work and social life. I have no qualms about taking a vacation without the kids - going on a cruise myself with hubby and a ton of friends). I think, that's the reason he cheated on me, because he wanted more of the motherly type - but then I just stop myself and say, so what? It's the past and whatever the reason he cheated on me and whoever he now chooses to have in his life, who cares. I need to just live my life. Hard to do sometimes.

Be kinder to yourself! Go on a cruise or a weekend away by yourself or just do the things you like to do once in awhile. You are doing a great job with kids, just keep at it and don't worry about her. Her own relationship with her kids is her problem and she may have to face the consequences of her actions later. Like Bill said, you can't change her and so, you gotta just do what you can to make your own home paradise (chaotic, but paradise).

Thanks for your advice Lea.. I agree with most of what you've said. I think I'm definitely hard on myself. Although it's just simply that I am the kind of person who can't let things roll down her back and out the window. Things weigh on my mind..and I need to be analytical to get them out of my head and feel better about them. I've become better at this over time....but certain situations take me a little bit longer to let go of. It's also hard that they're just little ones. At least with an adult, if they have problems in their relationships etc, they have the ability to rationalize. As it is now, D and I have to wait at least ten years or more before the kids really SEE what we do for them and how consistent we are. It will take many years before Bio-Mom pays the consequences for her actions. Oh well.
And yes I do compare myself to Bio-Mom. It bothers me that I do it. Why do I do it so much? We're nothing alike...worlds apart. The only thing we have in common is blond hair. She's 5'2, I'm 5'10....she's overweight, I'm thin! It would be even worse for me if she looked good!!! She's a good person and I like her.... We have a love/hate relationship....We spent an hour on the phone tonight chatting up a storm, yet tomorrow when she drops them off I'll probably hate her or her me... So weird! But really the comparison issues come up only where the kids are concerned. It's hard to be a Mother to kids who already have one. And when you find yourself doing more than the mother, it becomes more complicated.
I'll get over this eventually. It will just take a lot of work on my part....a lot of readjusting my attitude. It helps to know that D supports me...and is there to help me through this.
I talked to our therapist the other day. I wanted to know if it was ethically okay for her to come to our wedding (which she said is not, but send the invite anyway). We were talking about the comparison/jealousy stuff about Bio-Mom. She's known me for years and insists the issue with that is that "I want to be Mommy." I have an overwhelming need to be a Mommy...and I have that need fulfilled by the kids....but Bio-Mom is a reminder that I am not and never will be. And it bothers me...and I place too much focus on it. She then said that I will find things to be much easier once we have one of our own. I'm sure many step-mothers would agree with that.
Anyway, we went to this huge wedding last night. It was so romantic...we had a wonderful time....and a lot of champagne. We didn't get back to our hotel room until 2am and I'm starting to fall asleep at the computer. Talk to you soon.
Goodnight

In economics, there is a concept called "zero sum game" theory. What it means if something is finite, a set number of "things", for sake of an example, let's say beans, then, if there are only 10 beans in the entire universe, if I have 7, then you can only have 3.

Some people think love (and the economy/wealth) is like that - but it's not (and neither is the economy), it's infinite. Love is not a "zero sum game." The more people you invite to the table, the bigger the feast because each person brings something unique to the table. Your love for these children and your role in their lives is unique because it can only come from you. But the same is true of her love for them. But her love and their love for her does not subtract from your love and their love for you. Enjoy their love and what you guys have together, try not to worry about what they feel for their mother or whether she is a "good" mother. Whether she is a good mother is her issue to worry about. Whether she is a good mother, bad mother, indifferent mother, your love for them is still the same and so is their love for you. My ex-husband is very good to my son - my complaint would be that he spoils him, probably out of guilt - but my son and my husband still have a wonderful relationship. The two relationships are separate, they have nothing to do with each other.

Are you maybe worried that there might still be this "special bond" between your husband and her because of the children? Maybe this is a good post to ask people out there who have children from previous relationships whether they feel like they have a "special bond" still with their ex - I sure the hell don't! I don't hate him either though - it's more like indifference. He could marry my best friend tomorrow, I would not care. I would question her sanity, given what he put me through, but, if she was ready to face the same as what I got, all the best to them both (of course, maybe it's easy for me to say this because there is no way that would happen).

From what you have described, your husband and his ex sound very indifferent to each other. That's a good sign. They have to have somewhat of a good rapport for the kid's sake, but as long as it's not more than that, I wouldn't worry. I would also worry if they seemed hell-bent on "getting even" with each other - that might come out of some leftover feelings.

That whole keeping it separate thing is what challenges me. Sharing kids is not easy....and you almost have to pretend sometimes that the kids didn't just come from another home. We are a family....and the four of us are really great together. I just have to remember that!
Yes, my fiance and his ex are very indifferent toward each other. They are certainly not each other's favorite person! But they are respectful for the most part. And yes, that respect is all for the sake of the kids. I don't worry about their relationship too much anymore. I remember being afraid two years ago when SD had her tonsils out. I was so worried that when they gave her the needle, Bio-Mom would cry and my fiance would hold her and they'd embrace and then he'd come home and tell me it's over. It took me a long time to get over that. By now reason is on my side. I know enough of both of them to know that it would never happen. And by the time I got to the house after the surgery, he couldn't wait to leave and she was firing orders at him like he was a butler! Also, I know he loves me..it's just different!
This has been a good week...in the ups and downs of this peaceful/chaotic life. The kids seem very happy. The weather is rather hot and we've been swimming in our pool....I finally got SD to go in with her floaties. I'm proud of that accomplishment. She stayed in the water for 2 hrs, would not get out and refused help! She is a tough little cookie! She's been doing better. D and I took off two weekends in a row for some vacationing, so the kids had a lot of extra time with their Mother so they feel fulfilled in that dept. It's so ironic how they want to be with her so much when they are here and she is not around, and then when they finally do get that time with her, they want to be here! Must be tough on them. So I'm clinging to the good times....and have been letting a lot roll down my back.
I better go before I ramble on. HotSun+water+kids=EXHAUSTED!!!

Believe me, I am right there with you - I too have a hard time just letting things roll down my back - I've kinda figured why, at least for me - I am so damn impatient!!! I want everything and I want it NOW!!!! Unfortunately, my husband's the same way (or maybe fortunately?? because we understand each other??)

Right now, my husband and I have a "mantra" - we are "planting seeds." Not just with the kids, but with my career and the business we started last year. Lately, we have been looking at it like, we are planting seeds, and with enough love and patience, good things will grow.