Gee, I am glad you do not have bad feelings toward OW. I do, and would say always will, but if X cheated once, he will cheat again. And again. So I dont regard her as permenant, there will be others.

I don't enforce visitation becasue I can't. If X doesnt want to spend time with daughter, there is nothing I can do. All I can do is make certain he honors financial committments. I'm certain that does not make Xs GF happy.

Fortunately X has now woken up to what a golddigger this woman is and they are not getting married, and he is keeping all his assets in his name. He is making arrangements to give assets to daughter (in excess of required amounts).

My daughter and I do not speak to her -- there is no need to. We do not abuse her, etc -- we just avoid her. I do not even know her email, and we only call X on his cell. If daughter is having dinner with him, I drive her to restaruant and pick her up. If I am busy, he might drive her home.

This board has been very helpful to me, because I see that so many SMs do not care about SKids. Many are happy with estrangement between X and his kids. Many take the position that at 18, kid is on his own. In intact families, many children "boomerang" back home after college. My daughter will always have a home with me.

as long as she is financially provided for I am sure ..... every time you post you moan about the ex and money....

most of the recent posts have been about 20 somethings still mooching off parents .... not 18 year olds. One was 24 the other 22 with a child that I recall.

What I mean by 18 is they are old enough to drive themselves for visits old enough to make informed decisions for themselves. If they were raised right they know right from wrong.

And so what if he cheats on the OW not my problem anymore could really care less what he does. Do you really care if your ex cheats on the the GF I guess that would make you happy for a moment then you would have find someone new to blame for your break up.

My daughter will alswys have a home with me. I have a nice house with no mortgage, and make a good living. I will get a nice pension. I get no CS, but very liberal expenses for daughter (college, cars, financial amounts to her, etc.), and no alimony. If she comes back to live with me after college, at 22 or so, I will be happy. She wants to go to law shcool and may be in school until she is 25. Just because I am well off financially doesnt mean I dont want to make certain that she gets everything she is entitled to. Xs GF may view things differently. X has very expensive house. GF said they should keep it. When X told her that he was going to give it to SD when she is 30, she said they should sell house and move to apartment.

I dont really care if he cheats on OW, just making the point that she may or may not be permenant, not my problem.

As long as he is doing right by your daughter financially if he suddenly became broke ... how would you feel then?

A medical situation that eats up all of his assets things happen very financially stable people end up broke because of many unforeseen situations. You are going to tell him he can't pay for his medical expenses because daughter needs a __________?

Unless your EX inherited all of his assets and you as well your child is not "entitled" to anything you earned it ex earned its your and his to do with as each pleases.

Just because its there doesn't mean anyone is "entitled" to it.

Our seperation agreement provides who is entitled to what. He has medical insurance, as to DD and Me.

If he were broke, I am not certain what would be legally enforceaable. Not likely to happen, but I guess it could.

But my daughters rights come before any GF or second wife. That is what a contract does -- creates rights or allows for enforcement. He signed it.

And yes, I do agree this can create tension between GF or second wife thinking why should child be "entitled" to any of his earnings.

Some things are not covered by medical insurance.

Contracts have loop holes ask any attorney.

You are fighting over money ... if the money were gone would you still be fighting?

If ex suddenly dropped dead .... wouldn't gf be "entitled" to live in his house.... guess depends on what state you live in. Common law marriage if they live together isn't that common law husband and wife ... would she be "entitled" to the house ...

"better get your ducks in a row before you count your chickens"

I just think you are wasting a lot of energy being mad at a woman who you say will be gone before long and what if she isn't.... if your daughter is "entitled" to it she will get it whether you complain or not so why fight over money.

An avoiding the GF empowers her. She's won that battle you are carrying anger toward her she wins.

1. No common law marriage in my state. Rare in many states, although people talk about it. Common law isn't just living togethor, must represent as H and W. X never holds himself out as married, she doesnt use his name, etc. Seperation agreement establishes liabilites.

2. Many contracts, including leases, etc., require monitoring. How many SMs on this board complain they are entitled to CS, but not recieving? I assume people monitor agreements, and see they are enforced.

3. I dont waste time being angry, just keeping track of money.

4. Avoiding someone empowers them? How so? Dont think so. Neither DD and I have given up on doing anything either one of us wants.

feel better?

Heah -- you asked how first wifes/moms felt about OW. Or was that just to show what a saint you are -- SAHM with school age skids whose overworked.

Hey there Cawfe,

I saw your original post above on the "forced visitations" etc. I had posted looking for some advice late last week on this matter.

In my situation, each of the parents has custody of a child (2 children). You would not believe the stuff going back and forth. It's awful! The hardest part is that one of the children in particular seems to be suffering most from this arrangement. He's become withdrawn, sullen, and angry. He's chosen to not come for visitation on several occasions lately, and his father has not pushed it. This past weekend, DH told him that he did expect him to come since there was a family event that involved other family members, and that sometimes we have to do things we don't necessarily want in order to please others. He was not happy, but he did agree to go. I think that in this case, he did the right thing. He also clarified that if SS didn't want to come over, that would be fine, but that he had to speak to him on the phone, and then set up alternative arrangements for another day.
The only problem with that however, has been that BM has been blocking him on the alternative days. So, he gets to see his son maybe once a month. It's killing him.

"This board has been very helpful to me, because I see that so many SMs do not care about SKids. Many are happy with estrangement between X and his kids. Many take the position that at 18, kid is on his own. In intact families, many children "boomerang" back home after college. My daughter will always have a home with me."

Well said, kkny.

What was the family event that SS was trying to avoid? What other family members were going to be there? Ages and how far away do they live?

How far away do you live from SS? Who moved away if far?

Thanks, my daughter also understands that my widowed mother will probably come to live with us at some point, and accepts that.

My mother came to live with my husband and me and my stepkids for the last two years of her life.

I highly recommend it.

I see it like this ... Bitter BM figures she can "get back" at hubby by "keeping" him from the one son ... she figures the other one went to live with you that if you spend too much time with the other he would follow suit. Ask for his summer schedule ... sign him up for a team or something near you for a couple weeks this summer ... when he has a break at his home teams. You want to force him but can't really I know this with my son 15 I talk to him on thursdays at dinner ... he's ready to come for the weekend and on friday night he says I am sleeping at so and so's and them I'll be busy all weekend ... So now I have been taking him to dinner on sunday and thursday nights not much but better than no contact at all. He lives an hour away with his dad and SM. He usually spends the summer weeks with me and weekends with dad but this summer he is working. So I'll schedule his visits around my SC's visits with BM and work. The ex and I drive halfway to meet for drop off and pick ups in the summer. During the school year I drive there pick him up at 5ish and hang around doing stuff then drive home.

My questions was........

How many BM's who post here could/would go to a wake/funeral or any family event on the ex's side and not feel _______ toward SM or EX?

I think its funny you slam me for being a SAHM but you have nothing to say about my childrens BM who does not want to be with her own children.... OH by the way she got laid off and is still full of excuses why she can't be with her kids ... latest one ... I don't want to disappoint them when I go back to work that I can't be with them again. I said I would use this time to make up for what you haven't spent with them. Have some one on one time with each of them... When you do go back to work they are going to say well when you had time off you didn't spend it with us either. She said she didn't have any money hubby told her he would give her back her child support and send care packages. But they will miss their dad too much if I take them more than 2 days in row. Its pathetic.

But thats ok because she works. She's the saint right?

KKNY:
What was the family event that SS was trying to avoid?
A surprise Birthday party and Anniversary party for his Grandparents (from what I understand he wasn't trying to avoid the event so much as he wanted to play in a game that same day, unfortunately, the game was in the middle of the day at the same time as the event)
What other family members were going to be there?
All of the family members (his brother, other Kids, Aunts, Uncles, cousins, Etc)
Ages and how far away do they live?
The party was 1.5 north of where we live.
My SS who had the issue is 13 and lives an hour from our home, my other SS is 14 and lives with us.
How far away do you live from SS?
1 Hr.
Who moved away if far?
His ex wife moved away to live in a house her family owns.

Cawfe:
I think you have a point with what you said. When DH requests to see his son to make up for the lost time of visitation, she refuses to cooperate. Even if he's willing to drive out there to see his son, she'll tell him that he's got other plans. When he tries to get in contact with his son, he won't be able to get thru. I think you're right about her motives. I've seen emails, and heard the phone messages over the years...there's been some crazy stuff that's happenend.
It's sad, because children need their fathers as much as a mother, especially a teenage boy. It scares me that he's so out of touch and so far away. DH is going to try and see him tonight. Keep your fingers crossed.

I believe Cawfe asked two questions in her post - one about fighting tooth and nail over every little thing til the child is 18, then what? And, secondly, whether or not the BMs HERE would go to a funeral on her ex's side. I don't believe either was really answered.

Dana

Dana --

1. It takes two to fight. In any event, I will stand up for every dollar for my daughter.

2. Would I go to funeral -- yes if X did not bring GF or wife, no if he did

Jessee -- this seems more like a normal teenage problem, except for lack of flexibility with visitation.

KKNY-Although, I understand protecting your daughters interests...

I think it is a little unreasonable and not a little self involved to expect that a new wife or even girl friend would not be involved in such an important and trying event in their significant someones life...

although I believe in your situation she was/is the OW .... still would you still be acting the same way if it wasnt? I suspect that the answer is more than likely yes.

GF is welcome to go to funerals, etc. Then I wont. Its not being self involved, its saying I choose not to do something. No big deal. As to if she were not OW, honestly dont know. Dont care.