Nettie: You don't *have* to invite all the out-of-towners to the rehearsal dinner; in fact, if the groom's family is truly hosting, I think it's sort of rude to expand the guest list on them. If they *offer*, OK, but I wouldn't even ask them, for fear of them feeling pressured. Normally, the rehearsal dinner is strictly related to the rehearsal. Therefore, it's the bridal party and their dates, the officiant, and the immediate family (mom, dad, siblings) of the bride and groom. Grandparents aren't traditionally on that list. However, if they're there, it might be a nice gesture, so their feelings aren't hurt. One thing I think that happens when the out-of-towners are invited to the rehearsal dinner is, esp. if it's in a restaurant, it sort of feels like the reception itself, bcs everybody's there. So I'm sort of a foot-dragger on this; I don't like to invite the out-of-towners. Plus, I personally prefer the most personal touch possible for rehearsal dinners, and a big crowd makes it hard to do at home. (not that an out-of-town MOG can have it at home) That said, AS an out-of-town guest, I like to have something to do, and a chance to see some of my relatives. If you don't want to or can't expand the rehearsal dinner, you might recruit someone among the out-of-town guests to organize a get-together somewhere in case people would like it. Maybe an aunt and uncle can tell everyone that they'll all have dinner at whichever local restaurant, if they want to come along, and everybody can gather that way, and feel like they're not abandoned, without having to crash the other event. My uncle let us all know that they'd be hanging around at the restaurant AFTER the rehearsal dinner, and we could join them for drinks if we wanted, so we did that. We got to feel a part of things, a little, but they didn't have to feed u. We married in my true hometown, which meant that EVERYBODY except my mom and dad traveled for the wedding. So *I* hosted the rehearsal dinner, and asked my mom to help plan, and brothers to help cook and serve. We had a barbecue at a local park; and everybody was invited. I couldn't have afforded a restaurant meal for all those people, and this keps it from feeling too much like the real wedding reception (which was a buffet at mom's house, so it's not like it was THAT much different). Good luck!

I'm a MOG this year, too -- No, etiquette doesn't require you to serve alcohol. But -- and this depends upon your group; you know them, I don't -- some people may be disappointed. And although we and our crowd aren't big drinkers, I have to admit that alcohol does tend to make a party more festive and fun. Do they require you to have a full bar or nothing? See if you can negotiate. A limited drinks menu is much cheaper, both for the alcohol and for the number of servers needed. Our plans aren't finalized yet, but I am figuring on beer, wine, sangria, and perhaps a signature cocktail at the "rehearsal" dinner. (I put the quotes in because it's just a big, casual party for all the out of town guests the night before the wedding -- the rehearsal will have been the day before.) We will probably have 150 people (all our many relatives are out of towners).

Around here, the wedding party (and spouses, and often whole families) and all the out of town guests are invited to the rehearsal dinner (and any other "auxilliary" events). If a lot of the out-of-town guests are relatives, they and the in-town relatives are going to want to be together, so people invite the in-town relatives, too (I guess if that is a zillion people, you could limit to close relatives). In fact, in our community, the whole point isn't so much a "rehearsal" as a less fancy, fun way to entertain the out-of-towners, usually hosted by the groom's family, to allow them a chance to be the hosts. It's usually really fun -- lots of toasts and funny stories (that would really bog a wedding reception down if they went on too long) and getting to know each other. It's nice to invite the officiant, but you don't have to. I am a clergy wife, and I can tell you that we are pleased to be invited and not offended if we aren't -- the opposite of the wedding and reception itself, by the way, to which you really should invite the officiant and spouse, especially if it is the clergy from your congregation as opposed to, say, a JP you hire for the day and didn't even know. Don't worry -- at least in our case, we don't attend anywhere near every rehearsal dinner or reception to which we are invited; just the ones where we feel close to the family and think we probably would have been invited "anyway." You don't need to invite your caterer, photographer, or other vendors, although of course you can if you want. I guess the difference is that the officiant is sort of a member of the wedding party.

Intrestingly, I was reading the big Emily Post's Etiquette (15th edition, which is a few years old now; she's up to the 17th), and it said: "All the members of the bridal party (with the exception of ver young flower girls, pages, or ring bearers), the immediate famliies of the bride and groom, and out-of-town relatives who have arrived for the wedding are invited." Not "sometimes invited"; "are invited." In my two areas (small-town midwest, and big-city NYC), that doesn't happen. She goes on: "if facilities and finances permit, a few very close friends are often included, especially whose who come from a distance." (but then, they'd be "out of town guests," no? I sense some inconsistency) "If the clergyman is a prsonal friend, or comes from out of town, he and his wife should also be invited. "Husbands, wives, fiances, and live-in companions of the attendants go to the rehearsal dinner, but "dates" ar enot included." There are seating diagrams, etc--she treats it much like a big wedding. And though she says 'music and dancing are not at all essential.." she also says "Other[s] [rehearsal dinners] are far more elaborate. A strolling violinist or accordionist may play romantic background music, or there may be a full orchestra and after-dinner dancing." That seems way overboard to me! and, int he section on menu: "when the wedding is large and formal, the style of the rehearsal dinner is too, and the meal compares to that of any formal dinner. However such an elaborate and expensive menu is in no way necessary. If the wedding is informal and nontraditional, the menu should be also." I really disagree w/ the implication that the rehearsal dinner *should* be formal if the wedding is. A contrast in tone is kind of nice. And all this sort of implies a fanciness and a scale that I think is too likely to compete w/ the rehearsal dinner. But I think for our OP, the fact that the hostess is worried about it being too big and too expensive, that recruiting someone else to organize outings, etc., is a better idea.