yep, he sounds like a narcissist/sociopath, & those people are excellent manipulators.

I think I might make a sampler to hang on the wall:

"Abusers are people who run you nuts & then tell everybody you're crazy."

I'd guess that your children's father has told them his own version, in which you're irrational & crazy & a drama queen, etc (abusers are very convincing when they tell stories like this, because they're always calm & "rational" & sound sincere, even regretful).

& now you've come very close to getting away, drat the luck, & that's no fun.

but if he can get the kids to blackmail you into coming to these parties, he can get on your nerves, & you'll be jumpy, & he can point out to the children how "irrational" you are, *& they'll see it for themselves*.

Tell them the extent of the abuse;
since I suspect that they already disbelieve you & would roll their eyes & sigh big exasperated sighs & do other infuriating things that indicate that they think you're just trying to "make it all about you", write them letters,
*& then don't do anything else*.

Even if they're the smartest cookies in the world, it'll take time for them to realize the truth in your letters, & many times people just never do believe it.

No matter what you do, don't go anyplace where your ex will be.

Tell them, in your letters, that you hope they realize the depth & seriousness of what you're telling them, & that you love them & you love the grands;
tell them that you'll be sorry to miss them, but you divorced this nut because he made your life miserable & you aren't coming back for seconds.

I wish you the very best.

I agree that you need to tell your children about the abuse. You can write them a letter but something I think would be much more effective is if you got court documents and other official records that support your case. You say he served time in jail for not paying CS, I would get that court record. Was the abuse documented in your divorce statement? I would obtain those records as well. Anything and everything you can obtain from official sources to back up what you're saying.

I would obtain these documents. Sit down with your children and tell them the reasons why you do not feel comfortable being in the same house with your ex. I understand for graduations and things like that you're not in close proximity so it's not a problem, but I don't blame you for not wanting to be in the same house as someone who abused and hurt you.

Explain how upsetting it would be for you to be in the same house as him, how just seeing him brings back the memories of all the things he did to you and your children. Your focus should be on the mental and physical abuse he did to you and your children. Don't talk about him stealing your car or things like that, because that's going to make them think you're just being vindictive. Show them the court documents you have to back up what you're telling them.

I have a feeling that you've done such a good job of burying the abuse that happened your children probably don't remember it. Perception is a strange thing. My mother abused me and my sister. One time, I lied to my mother about something to get out of a beating by telling her I told her my sister had done it. As a result my sister got the beating intended for me. My lie haunted me for years. Many years later I talked to my sister about it and she didn't even remember the incident happening. It could be the same for your children, they may not remember the events the way you do.

Good luck to you.

This post was edited by Amber3902 on Mon, May 13, 13 at 15:50

It really is about you.

Your children are perpetuating the abuse their father initiated by insisting you accept more abuse and trauma for the sake of your grandchildren's company.

Your children are using their children as bargaining chips. It's a form of extortion, and that in itself is abuse (not just of you but of your grandchildren, even though they don't yet realize it).

If you succumb to this blackmail you'll further damage yourself and continue the cycle. You'll also potentially put your younger daughters at risk.

I am so sorry. I know this is a terrible dilemma, but your health and your daughters' well-being must take priority. If you give in to this, at some point the demands will escalate. That's what abusers do.

As far as trying to convince your son and daughter to change their stance by producing evidence, I probably wouldn't waste my breath. I think this is about control and facts aren't going to make one bit of difference. Not to mention it would be excruciatingly painful to re-live those memories.

Readinglady hit a bunch of nails on their heads!

I focused on the likelihood that your ex has his hand in this plan, so much that I forgot that other family members often take on the same role as the abuser.

Take care of yourself,
protect yourself,
don't submit to emotional blackmail.

I want to thank everyone for taking the time to read my 3 hour post and also sending me some advice. Sometimes I just start to question myself and I do want to do what's right, so your advice really means a lot to me. Its kinda like like being able to take in a deep breath in and exhaling. I do have plenty of court documents and police reports and reports when he was ordered to visit ( when he actually did ) through family house (supervised visitation for drop offs and pick ups). My kids we/ are old enough to remember enough things to know that there was abuse. They remember some of what happened to them. My older son has unfortunately had to call the police before.I do feel in my son case its more of a control case. Like he's going to prove he's in control now. Their dad used to tell the kids it was always my fault he didn't visit. (Everything was my fault) so its kinda nice now sitting back and watching things play out as they are older and he's still not around. But it seems as though my son is trying to prove something to him. My son and I have talked and agreed that we don't speak of his dad ( unless its something he really needs to of course) but he's 29, plenty old enough to understand my feelings about him. I told him that I respect any relationship he has with his dad but that's HIS BUSINESS. So we never speak of him which is nice. But my son still has this need to run to his dad about my personal life, even some financial things. When I ask him why he tells his dad he says" well don't tell me anything anymore then". And I just think that's being very immature and disrespectful. He NEVER specks of his dads personal life, which is how it should be. So, throughout all these years I've learned that my ex husband is dedicated to hurting me but in actuality it was always the kids who suffered. Well now, its going to include the grandkids. But my two older kids are grown adults. I cannot control what they do or think. I know I raised them well, with a lot of love and with good hearts. I'm just stepping back and letting them sort out what ever it is they need to but I just know their dad is not going to be a part of my life what so ever. My goal in life is to find peace and happiness in my life. I know I'm in control of who/what is in my life to maintain that. I've worked so hard to become the stronger person than I am today than I was when I was married to that man. And I don't like going backwards.

But its crazy how much it can mean to a person to get advice from a complete stranger. Because I know they are completely biased. You guys have given me a little more strength to get through my crazy life!!!!!!!! Thanks a Bunch!!!

>>I do feel in my son case its more of a control case. Like he's going to prove he's in control now.Control is a sign of an abuser. Readinglady is right that your two eldest children are abusing you as well. Looks like the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

I thought about it some more and after reading your reply I don’t know if showing your children court documents and police reports are going to help anything. People believe what they want to believe.

You say your oldest son even called the cops on your ex before, so maybe it’s not a matter of proving the abuse happened, but a case of your children following in your ex’s footsteps.

I’m so sorry you had to go through abuse from your ex, and now are being emotionally abused by your chidlren. You have to take care of yourself. You are right, you can’t control them or how they think. I hope you can move on and find happiness with your two younger children.

smart people on this forum.

I once dated a guy whose father was a brute of an abuser before we even had the term.

Don told me that when he was a little boy & fell off the porch & ripped his ankle open on a rusty nail, his dad told the doctor not to use an anesthetic when he stitched the wound "so he'll remember not to do this again & cost me all this money & time".

This husband & father would come home drunk on payday, having spent most of his paycheck at the bar, & beat his wife & sometimes beat Don & the other 2 "older" boys.

When the dad came home drunk one night & went after the baby crawling on the floor, Don's mother pointed his own hunting rifle at him & told him she'd shoot him if he touched that child.

That was it.

Dad moved out, & since it was the 1950's, never paid a dime to help the kids (4 of 'em).

Back then, no mother dared to ask for child support;
if you were a "divorcee", you were assumed to be of low moral fiber, & your ex-husband could take the children away from you on that basis.

Don's mother worked 2 & 3 jobs at a time to take care of the children, & they lived in an old, cold rented house in a poor part of town & often had to rely on his mother's parents for food from their garden & their pantry.

So Don was very bitter about his father, very condemnatory.

but.

I was around him for a couple of years, & I learned that he didn't treat his mother well himself, he used her financially, felt contempt for her for having been victimized, blamed her for not having provided him a better, happier, more prosperous childhood.

& he admired his father for having gotten away with it.

To sylviatexas, that is such a sad story. I appreciate your post, and as sad as I am to say it, I can see my son being like that. I do have another child with my ex, she is 19 years old and lives with me and works and is a fulltime college student. ( her dad emancipated her as soon as he was able and wants nothing to do financially to help out with her college) But she sees clearly what is going on and it makes her so angry. Her father never contants her. I feel so bad for her. I know for the longest time she was hoping he would change and start coming around but he never has. She was only 3 when we divorced so she was not abused and really did not form much of a relationship with him since he did travel a lot.

But after hearing from all of you its made me feel better about how I'm handling the situation and as much as it rips my heart out I'm just going to let go of the older two and let them learn whatever they need to. And in the time being, I have my other daughter that I'm still trying to steer in the right and my two little ones that I want to enjoy their childhood with. All of you seriously have made me be able to be at peace with myself. Even though my kids are adults, the feeling of them still being your children never really goes away. I still "want" to do what's right by them. But I'm going to also do what's right for me and my other daughters. THANKS TO ALL.

I know we all are glad you found the support and "vision" you needed. Please come back and post any time.

One of the things abusers are really really good at is making you doubt your own reality. Validation from objective observers can be very helpful.

If it helps, think of yourself and your vulnerable younger children as passengers on a plane. You put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then you help them. No one survives unless you give your own needs priority.