IMA, Glad you said its not necessary to speak to other parent, my feelings exactly..Sometimes you just cant deal with irrational people, and they have to be totally ignored...Maybe some people have to interject themselves into the relationship between parent and child,in the guise of necessary parent/child communication just to feel a connection to that person that they believe they are so over....Just because a child is still in school til 21, I m assuming he or she knows how to speak, and they can address educational concerns or whatever with the parent that it needs to be discussed with, no team effort needed...DH and I have not exchanged one word with Ex in 6 years, just the way it has to be...Even still, papers come to the house with herself calling herself MRS(yeah, I realize its a legal title still, but to accentuate it ,writing it in BIG BLOCK LETTERS, it seems a bit over the top after the MR being gone for 10 years...Here are a few past ploys to get attention response... I m going blind(tell your dad) Kid needs surgery (NOT)Lets make a guest list for our kids wedding (NO)I m getting a motorcycle(YIKES)Sending back Christmas gifts I bought the kids unused 2 years later(WHY?)So far, nobodys gone blind, needed surgery, list made alone, no motorcycle(yet)Gifts, still baffled....So tell me we need to communicate with this lunatic......But no signs of her letting up trying to bait DH into a confrontation...Silence and information blackout on this end to protect our sanity LOL

Has anyone heard of Betty Broderick???

Here is a link that might be useful: A woman Scorned

Oh, one case, how interesting.

And btw, Mrs. Broderick alleged that Mr. Broderick, a very succesful attorney, was able to legally outmaneuver her. Some of those maneuvers are no longer allowed by california law. I dont know what makes you so certain she wanted him back. She wanted money. He was able to value his substantial assets at a minimal amount.

And by all accounts she was a good wife and mother. College educated, put him through law school. But heah, hard to believe, after 4 kids and 20 years, he leaves her for a 24 year old. Unbelievable.

She didnt want money, she did want him back desperately..She lived to harrass him...I read the book....

kkny
I didn't say what she did or didn't want. All I did was ask if anyone had heard about her. I'm sure she's not the ONLY ex wife to lose it.

but the similarities to yours or TOS's situations are a little striking...

** Marriage over 20 years (KKNY & TOS)
** Four kids.[large family] (TOS)
** Supermom (TOS? KKNY?)
** Successful financially/middle or upper class (KKNY)
** He had an affair/left her for TOW (KKNY & TOS)
** She told her kids all the sordid details of their father's affair and talked miserably about his mistress/wife. (TOS)
** She was angry/bitter that he left her for 'eye candy' while she had gotten old, fat & boring. (KKNY- maybe not the fat/boring part, I don't know?)

I'm not saying that either of you reacted the way she did, but I did notice those similarities in that story to things you both have said here. I just find it interesting is all.

I never claimed to be supermom. But the main difference between me and Mrs. Broderick is that I was at a time and place where I was able to get my fair share of marital assets. Which I suspect infuriates Dads SO, as it may in to Fleurs and Helena. I guess the only mom a SM will be happy with is one who goes away quietly with no money. And before I get blasted, yes I work, etc.

The reason there are books written about her is because it is unusual for a woman to murder her exH. Most exH's who murder their exW's don't get more than a few newspaper articles written about them.

My exH probably contacts me at least as often as I contact him. If one of our children needed surgery, or even if it were being considered, he would definitely want me to let him know. He would be very upset if I didn't. He has specifically asked me to update him on their activities, even though he could just as easily ask them. We often coordinate birthday gifts, and one at least one occasion that I can think of recently gave one of the children a gift from both of us.

You may have missed the surgery story as a ploy...Reprehensible to pretend a child is sick to get attention..

There are thousands of cases of men who leave their marriages of twenty years or more for younger women. You could probably find similarities as well as differences in each of these cases.

"Posted by kkny (My Page) on Sun, May 4, 08 at 12:56

Well Mom2emall, stop acting like all first marriages were by irresponsible adolescents. Mine certainly wasnt. And My Xs SO has made hatefull irresponsible statements to my DD."

WELL THAN STOP ACTING LIKE ALL SECOND MARRIAGES ARE NOT ENTERED UPON WITH GENUINE LOVE. I AM SO TIRED OF YOU AND TOS ACTING LIKE SECOND MARRIAGES ARE SOME BIG JOKE AND THAT THE FIRST MARRIAGE WAS ALL THAT MATTERED. IF THE FIRST MARRIAGE MATTERED SO MUCH THEN IT WOULD NEVER HAVE ENDED. AND NOT ALL PEOPLE STILL CARRY "LOVE" AROUND FOR THEIR CHILD'S OTHER BIOPARENT. WHEN A RELATIONSHIP ENDS, MOST TIMES THE FEELINGS DIE OVER TIME.

AND YOUR EX'S SO SOUNDS LIKE A REAL PIECE OF WORK, NOT ALL SECOND WIVES ARE LIKE HER. I NEVER TALK BADLY TO MY STEPKIDS ABOUT THEIR BM, THOUGH I COULD EASILY GIVE THEM EARSFULL OF "TRUTHS" ABOUT HER FAULTS. (WHICH YOUR FRIEND/ALTER EGO TOS SAYS IS OKAY TO DO BECAUSE YOU SHOULD BE HONEST WITH THE KIDS ABOUT THEIR PARENTS FAULTS)

WHEN THEY REPEATED NASTY THINGS THEIR BM OR BF SAID ABOUT ME I WAS THE BIGGER PERSON AND BRUSHED IT OFF.

I think it happens everyday that husbands leave wives (short or long term) for younger women and there are probably similarities in all the cases. Men may have money, looks or both. They may also have big egos. Personally, I wouldn't get into a relationship with such a man because I find they lack integrity.

I think the difference is how the left wife handles it. She has every right to be angry but why waste your life bitter over it? Isn't it better to get out there and find happiness? You only get to live ONCE. and as we all know, time doesn't stand still. If my husband leaves me for a younger woman, I'd be sad that he didn't appreciate me and all I have to offer and I'd be spending my time doing things that bring me joy in life, not worrying about what he is doing. Perhaps I would travel, have hobbies or meet someone else that appreciates me, but I wouldn't spend all my time on a message board/forum, looking for ways to take out my frustrations on other people.

I find that this forum has gotton pretty argumentative. When I first found it I was so excited to get encouragement and words of wisdom from others on how to be a good stepmom. Too bad that what I found was a lot of negativity and bitterness.

I really think that the original intention by gardenweb was to create a forum where stepparents could go to talk to other stepparents about their trials and tribulations.

Biological parents and stepchildren also make a good addition to the forum when their intentions is to be a form of guidance and advice. What I have seen on here so much though is biomoms that lurk around on here and attack. Those same people never ask for advice or share positive stories. Their intentions are obviously bad.

It is really sad that they have to ruin what could be a great resource for stepfamilies. I do think that it is possible to ignore their comments though and read the helpful ones. Wish we could put a warning label on the forum for newcommers!

ima,

So why do you spend so much time here? In only a small percentage of your posts are you seeking advice.

Helpw/this,
Amen to that one!!

TOS just proved helpwiththis's point!! Again her post is just stirring up an argument!

Helpwiththis
You are so right. When I get on here I feel I have to defend myself just because I'm not a bioparent. I thought this was a step family forum? When I get on here for support and advice I run into some of the same crap I've gone through with the girls mother! The attitudes of some posters are exactly the same. I wanted advice and support. People I can connect with who have or are going through the same experiences as me but instead I find myself having to defend the fact that I married a happily divorced man. I say we all start ignoring the Trolls completely. WE SHOULD ALL GO ON STRIKE!!!!

Here is a link that might be useful: That home site!

Grieving or The Single Life may be a better forum for TOS and KKNY on this site!

"I really think that the original intention by gardenweb was to create a forum where stepparents could go to talk to other stepparents about their trials and tribulations."

The forum is named "Stepfamily forum", not "Stepparents forum". GardenWeb describes the forum as "This is the spot for those in stepfamilies to offer each other advice on dealing with the problems that may occur--come on, there's bound to be one or two."

It's for anyone in a stepfamily, not just stepparents.

According to the search function, imamommy registered less than six months ago, and has 341 posts. I registered in October of 2006, and have 263 posts. Imamommy criticized me for spending too much time on this messageboard, and I responded - and you claim that I am the one stirring up argument?

This is a public forum, not a private club.

It is a forum for stepfamilies to "offer each other advice on dealing with the problems that may occur"

Those that are not offering advice should go elsewhere then! Nowhere does it say that this is the place to tear apart posters. And for some that is all they use this forum for!

What a waste of 263 posts.

Who gets to decide what constitutes advice and what doesn't? mom2emall?

TOS,

Why don't you post a thread asking who feels that you have given advice and who feels that you have mostly torn apart stepmoms and their actions. Then you could have the judgement of all those you have judged.

Wait, let me guess, you would not want to do that! Of course not, because reality is difficult for you.

"to offer each other advice on dealing with the problems that may occur"

These are the key words Sue...

and I didn't personally criticize (on this thread) TOS or anyone else being here, I said "but I wouldn't spend all my time on a message board/forum, looking for ways to take out my frustrations on other people." If that is what TOS is referring to, then she must think the shoe fits her.

Everyone has a right to have an opinion. But I also think it's disturbing behavior to sit around and read a forum that exists for stepfamilies "to offer each other advice on dealing with the problems that may occur", when your children don't have much to do with being a part of a stepfamily, or you are not part of a stepfamily. and the only thing you do here is look for things that people in stepfamilies say to each other in their effort to offer advice and find something to criticize or attack them with.

It would be really nice to see biomom's represented here but it is unfair to give the opinion of a biomom that doesn't send their children to the other parent every other weekend the same weight as a mom that does. These bioparents that don't send their child to a home where there is a stepmom are more critical of every other weekend stepmoms. That's a bit hypocritical, don't you think? I would think their time would be better spent on the marriage forum. After all, they have over 20 years of experience in a marriage and might have some useful insight into the problems there. That is, unless their only goal is to try and take out their anger at their husbands (or husbands GF/wife) on unsuspecting women that marry a man with children and just want to live a happy life. They probably figure that stepmoms that come to a forum like this are here because they are having problems (which may be true) and that makes us easy targets to kick when we are down.

Why am I here... I'm a step mom. I'm a step child. I'm a bio mom. My son has a step mom. and I have an occasional problem or frustration to vent. I also have lots of experience and some education that I share in the form of opinions and advice. I do think I'm right until someone says something I didn't consider and changes my opinion. I'm open minded and willing to listen to logic and common sense always wins me over.

I come here because I like to hear what JNM has to say about MY problems. She's been where I am with my SD and has given me hope that things will get better someday with BM. Ceph is cheerful and everything she says has clear logic to it. When I see the strength that misti has to endure a tragic loss and not get lost in misery, but go on to find joy in her life, it makes me appreciate MY life. I don't know if I would have as much strength. When doodle first came here, my first thought was 'a breath of fresh air' and she says it like it is. VERY COOL. And everyone else.. mom2emall, momof4, cawfe, dotz, june, and helpwiththis (and everyone else that I can't remember all the names of) I come here for advice, to give advice and sometimes just take a break from reality when BM is trying to upset our life. The only think I DON'T look forward to is seeing 'theotherside' or 'kkny' respond to MY problem. Occasionally, I think kkny has something of value to offer, but more often than not, it's just a jab at what someone else said or attempts to discredit someone from having an opinion.

This is a public forum, but the truth is, if I came here day after day and almost everyone here put me down and told me to go away, I would not want to be a part of a community that didn't want me around. The fact that they insist on being here, despite how everyone feels about them, is proof that their only intention is to stir up chaos and they are probably enjoying that they got the stepmoms all worked up over this crap. They sit back and laugh, enjoying that a group of happily (or trying to be happily) married stepmoms are bent out of shape that they are here. It's passive aggressive and they are doing it on purpose. That's the only reason they would insist on staying. They get NOTHING out of being here except to try and make someone as miserable as they are. KKNY says she gets insight but she only wants to find proof that her theory on evil stepmoms is true so she antagonizes and when she gets a reaction, she can say "aha, I KNEW you were evil!!" Well, guess what? there ARE evil stepmoms. There ARE terrible biomoms. That's life. Now what?

"I didn't personally criticize (on this thread) TOS or anyone else being here"

Your post was in response to mine, and you included this sentence in a paragraph talking about women whose husbands had left them. I think it is dishonest to claim after the fact that the above comment was not directed at KKNY and me.

It makes no difference that only one of my kids visits her father regularly. Many of the stepmothers here have only one stepchild, or adult stepchildren, or stepchildren who don't visit EOW, and four of my children are adults or college students as well. I am qualified to give advice on what NOT to do as a stepparent, and on how a stepmother's resentment/jealousy/selfishness affects the children. My children did visit their father for several years, not EOW, but every month or two.

I find it interesting that, with the exception of Ceph, you neglected to mention the names of most of the stepmothers who, although I may not agree with them, are never nasty or rude, such as sweeby, lonepiper, kathline, and bricekind. There are a few others as well whom I can't think of at the moment.

It isn't the biological mothers or the stepchildren on this board who act like middle schoolers, calling others names like "turd," registering under alter-egos to harass posters, and posting "nobody wants you here so why don't you leave" comments.

I haven't demanded that anyone leave because I didn't like what they are posting. Anyone who wants to can post here. If you don't want to read the posts, just skip over them.

TOS are you stalking IMA?? why would you check how many times she has posted "compared" to you?

Most of her posts have been directed at you for your wonderful one-liners and she gives essays responses then you pick out one line to attack again...

Waste of time.

You joined around the same time I did... 18 months of the same sob story ... atleast I could see a light at the end of the tunnel ... in your case it just may be the train.

why do people compare absolutelly not comparable and different life stories and then argue about. how can you guys compare? Of course Ima would not hold a torch or wouldn't talk to her son's father, duhh, the father is vicious criminal who assaulted and raped her. i see no circumstances under which i would ver even look his side except maybe while sitting in court and hoping for jury verdict.

and of course TOS talks to her kids' father! and of course kkny does, and of course i do (alghough I wasn't married for that long). how can it be compared? and of course 20-28-30 years of marriage cannot possibly be compared to few months relationships or one time sexual encounter! or even to 5 years marriage.

I was married for only 5 yers and I cannot possibly compare it to a life long marriage, aging next to somebody! of course it takes long time to recover, how can we compare! they say you have to take a year per each 5 years of marriage to recover. So kkny, TOs, my SO need at least about 6 years to fully recover. and as i think of it I took a year to recover-one year per 5 years of marriage. excatly. and everyone's recovery is different. I know SO's recovery is going through anger toward X and going toward acceptance and for some people it is maybe holding a torch. people spent their life together! got old together! did every little thing together and then it is over! can you compare it to something quick, short and not even commited relationship!!! come back when you have something to compare to it.

and it is ridicilous to claim that it is always somebody else's fault people get depressed or cheat. My X's future 3rd wife (lol) is 27 (DD is 20) and looks even younger than her age. It must be his 2nd wife's fault. ha According to DD she is a nice woman and it is great, but DD's previous SM was also good woman and frankly I was a good woman. and the one after me and before his 2nd wife was also a good woman! but it must be all of us fault lol. too many of us at fault that X cannot settle down. ha. interesting logic. it is like accusing a victim of a crime for a crime.hmmmm

i also find it weird that it is OK to attack TOS for minor things like still carrying for her X but it is not OK for her to critisize other people's rather ridicilous actions. hhhmmm

what a stupid thread.

"If my husband leaves me for a younger woman, I'd be sad that he didn't appreciate me and all I have to offer and I'd be spending my time doing things that bring me joy in life, not worrying about what he is doing. Perhaps I would travel, have hobbies or meet someone else that appreciates me, but I wouldn't spend all my time on a message board/forum, looking for ways to take out my frustrations on other people."

This is WHAT I WOULD DO in this situation. If someone wants to take it as a personal attack on THEM, that's THEIR problem. This has nothing to do with anyone else, it's only about how I feel about that situation. Life is too short and I choose to not waste mine, pining over a guy that doesn't want me. I deserve better than that. But, that's just ME.

you have no ways of knowing what would you do in different situations. like we do not know for 100% what would we do in your situation. you have to understand that the same way other people's actions seem to be so strange to you (like the way other people get over things or TOS's devotion to her X) but you have to understand that some of your actions seem bizzare to others as well. everyone has very different understanding what constitutes a good parent or a good spouse or a good stepparent etc. unless there is obvious proven abuse, it is difficult to agree on standards of appropriate ways or living one's life or parent one's children. it is probably better to agree to disagree.

I find it slightly amusing that I somehow managed to be grouped into the nasty and rude category... and I wasnt even involved in this thread... oh well lol

"you have no ways of knowing what would you do in different situations"

You may not know what you would do in any given situation and I may not know what I would do in someone else's situation, but I DO KNOW WHAT I WOULD DO IN MY LIFE. I may not know how I would handle losing my husband in other ways, but I do know how I would handle it if he left me for someone else. I've been cheated on before (by my daughter's father) and I may not have been married for years, but I do know what it's like to be cheated on. I also know that my value as a person, isn't dependent upon someone loving me or being with me. I'm with my husband because we love and care for each other and want to share our lives, not because we 'complete' each other and we are not 'soulmates'. We both had pretty great lives before we met (at least I know I did) and if things didn't work out, we'd still have pretty great lives without each other and if he left me for another woman, I have enough pride in myself that I wouldn't pine away for him. I do love him, but I also realize that I deserve to be loved back or I'm not going to waste my time and energy on someone that doesn't love me back. AGAIN, that's just ME.

(If there were another reason that we might break up, like fighting over the kids or his ex, and we still love each other but can't get along, then I might feel differently, but if he gives his heart to someone else.... then how do you fight that? and even if he came back, I would always wonder if I was #1 or if he just couldn't have her... and I wouldn't want to feel that way.)

Have you personally attacked ... lone kath sweeby or bnice... ?

Do you nit pick their posts?

I said:
"(and everyone else that I can't remember all the names of)"

and it still gets criticized. GEEEZ

and I don't consider any of them nasty or rude. The only ONE I consider nasty and rude is theotherside. I find most posts of hers passive aggressive and her only intention is to stir up negativity. I may not agree with some people, but I understand their position and why they feel the way they do. theotherside has no position, except to see if she can get someone worked up over nothing.

I guess I should have titled mine ... it was meant for TOS .... since she said:

"I find it interesting that, with the exception of Ceph, you neglected to mention the names of most of the stepmothers who, although I may not agree with them, are never nasty or rude, such as sweeby, lonepiper, kathline, and bricekind. There are a few others as well whom I can't think of at the moment."

lol, I should have titled mine too, I was responding to the same thing you were...

I named off several people I look forward to hearing from and I know I left out a few (wrychoice is another one) and I wasn't trying to 'exclude' anyone, even though there are a few that I don't really 'look forward' to hearing from but when there is input, even when I don't agree, it's all good. It's the personal attacks I don't look forward to.

Remember when you first started posting ... and I emailed you on the side ... to "warn" you ...

Now that you have been here a while... can you look at posts and know exactly what will be picked apart and what will be ignored ... kinda sad isn't it?

I know as I type certain things what is going to get their attention ... and as I read others posts I could pin point what part of the post will be torn up ...

Although I did not see the post about the Stepdad just dying being turned into what's better cremation or buriel debate. That was just disgusting.

I figured it would be how the wife could still have an opinion about her extranged husbands burial over his siblings.

I remember when I first began to post, that I was attacked and accused of being "dad's GF" and everything I said was twisted into meaning something other than my intention. and when I was able to clarify what I meant (as if I should have to defend myself), then the personal attacks began. Like many before me (and after), I was going to leave & look for another site (and I did find two others, but not as good as this one) and several people sent me personal emails and I decided to stay.

I think it's unfair that many good, caring people have left the forum or been run off because they might come here for help and get attacked. If they are already in a fragile state of mind and looking for guidance as a last resort to leaving their marriage (and stepfamily), then they end up on the other end of a conversation with a troll that would love nothing more than to send them over the edge and gloat over the ending of yet another stepfamily... then they can gleefully quote the divorce statistic for second marriages. I feel sorry for someone that chooses to live their life in that way. But, to each her own I guess.

Just ignore them. Seriously. There is no point arguing with them or even explaining yourself.

I have a bet for anyone willing to participate. If you don't engage the trolls and that means don't respond to them in anyway shape or form, no matter what nastiness is spewed. Just step right over them and keep the conversation moving. How long do you think they'll stick around with no one to argue with?

"Ceph is cheerful and everything she says has clear logic to it."

LOL - thanks Ima, but I wouldn't say EVERYTHING I say has clear logic to it. I can be downright irrational from time to time :) and I have my cranky moments too!

Just a little note on depression though... I have had some health troubles this winter (I'm trying to get to the bottom of it with my doctor) and it has been very emotionally draining (I'm trying to get to the bottom of that with my counselor). To clarify, I LOVE my life and my relationships and career, it's definitely my health that is the problem, so your romantic partner does not necessarily contribute to depression.
Feeling constantly sick and tired has left me with some depression and anxiety, but FDH has been a marvelous bright spot in dealing with it. I can be having a HORRIBLE day where I slept for 16 hours, feel like eating a huge tub of icecream even though I'm not hungry, cried because I couldn't find the bra I wanted, and couldn't bring myself to go across the room to answer the phone... But when I talk to him about it, I feel better. If anything, my health and emotional troubles have brought us closer, because we've been working together as a team to make things better. I know that being as open and communicative as I am is pretty rare, so I understand that not everyone is able to talk to their SO the way FDH and I do... But I feel sorry for people who are unable to communicate and connect that way about their emotional health, and can't help but wonder how TOS's marriage would have turned out if she and her DH had REALLY worked together on his emotional health.

Ceph,

My exH and I did talk about how he had lost interest in much of what he used to care about, such as hobbies. I encouraged him to talk to our doctor. He was also having some health problems, but the murder of our relative really precipitated it. I was as sure as I could be that he was suffering from depression, but the depressed person has to be willing to get help. You mention that it is rare to be as open and communicative as you are, but I think it is especially rare in men.

tos is right, depressed men rarely seek help, they end up drinking or engaging in other risky or bizzare types of behavior.

Absolutely it's less common for men to seek help for depression and to be really open about it... I also don't blame TOS for her ex's depression (it could validly NOT have had anything to do with her at all) - I just can't help but wonder what would have been if he'd taken it as a chance to strengthen his relationship with his wife than pull away from her as she says he did.

SO's X used to be on medication but it caused her to gain weight (I am not sure about that) so she stopped. She did and still does some strange things that hurt her daughters. Very strange and she never offers explanations. Like invites her daughter over (out of state) but then says she is not available to be with her. Or does not answer both DDs' phone calls, messages and emails for months at the time. When they ask for explanations why didn't she call back for a month, she has nothing to say etc

I dated two depressed guys, very difficult. Unpredictable. One of those depressed guys had depressed mother. She used to pack and leave for few months, leave her children without explanation, stay in unknown destinations and then come back again. He was traumatized for life by her doing that. Very depressed both mom and son. dad was fine. I didn't stay too long in this mess.

I feel for depressed people but it sure tough to be around espcially if they do not want to get proper treatment or are prescribed medication but refused to take it.

Holy cow! I'm new here and I've really enjoyed this site, but this thread and many others get completely off topic. I can't even follow them.

Ashley, I personally think that's one of the reasons this forum is so active - it's NEVER dull!!

And jumping to a completely different topic, did anyone else notice that the post from Ima regarding the "Welcome Warning" has vanished?

apparently someone complained about me. lol

apparently, it broke the rules. Hmmm

Does anyone know if rule #1 has been broken by anyone? LMAO

Here is a link that might be useful: GardenWeb User Agreement

Just so you know, it wasn't I who complained. I was also surprised to see it gone (though certainly not disappointed). The last time a post disappeared that I recall was when some stepfather said he felt like punching his stepdaughter in the face. That one disappeared very quickly, thank goodness.

Now why on earth would ANYONE think that???

But yet the "wow" thread still exists...

Who ever had the "authority" to have that one removed should have had the "wow" one removed.

I asked - believe me!