DH saw a therapist last week...

19 years ago

Well, I suggested WE see a therapist to help us communicate better w/ one another and with his DD, the 24 y.o. who's 3-4 mo. stay w/ us is now at 6 months. As you all know, I've been very uncomfortable w/ it - less w/ the initial issues of her not being considerate of my house, time, etc, and more w/ just not knowing when this little roommate, if ever, was planning on leaving.

I just asked him, "Did you get a chance to feel your daughter out about her time table?" He said, "No, and I'm waiting til Tuesday. I saw a therapist last week to help w/ all of this and we only got through the family history before running out of time. We'll meet again this week and she said to wait til after we meet to talk to her."

I was quite shocked. I mean, I was happy on the one hand, but a little peeved on the other. My intention was for BOTH of us to get help and hear out an impartial third party, not a one-sided deal. I feel a little betrayed, to be quite honest, but glad that DH is not opposed to a psychologist guiding us through all of this.

My fear is that he paints a wonderful little cozy picture and the Dr. can't understand what my problem is w/ continuing on in Fantasyland forever. I would like to give my point of view and, as I told him, there isn't anything specific, but I feel like after 6 months of footing EVERY bill for her, she should have enough saved up to move out on her own. He mentioned not knowing what she has saved up and I said that I think he needs to find out. Is that wrong? I mean, since we are paying for everything, I don't think it's unreasonable. If she was out on her own, then I'd imagine that her finances were her business. Until she can pay for her luxuries and get a taste of what food, toiletries, utilities, and gas cost, I think it's not out of line for him to inquire what she's trying to save and how close she is to it!

The conversation just ended w/ him saying, "I'm tired and I want to go to bed. She's just trying to save some money, for crying out loud. Why is that so wrong?" He didn't let me respond and I don't want to fight tonight as I have work to do. But, wouldn't you think that 6 months is about the time needed to save up enough for a place? Am I unrealistic? Remember, DH initially asked me for 3-4 months and one of my friends commented that I ought to prepare for more like 6. As you all know by now, the timeline was never discussed w/ his SD, we had the huge fight 5-6 weeks ago when I asked if she wanted my rental house, etc. Afterwards, she said that she hadn't expressed herself well and wanted to talk more in a few days...that has yet to happen.

Other than some of you chastising me for wanting her to move out at all, is there any other advice here? Do you think DH seeing the therapist alone is wise? Do you think I need to hear if I'm wrong here from someone other than DH? Do you think it's important for the therapist to hear my point of view or not? Now that school is about out, I don't have the original issue of her being disruptive to the kids at bedtime til school resumes in Aug. But, I really don't want to go into the new school year and have her move out weeks or a couple of months into it as the child psych. suggested we be VERY settled to see if our oldest son's focus issues correct themselves.

Dana

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Comments (12)

Ashley
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Dana,

I understand your frustration. If I were you, I'd wait and see what the psych. suggests. If she sides with your hubby, I'd insist that she hear both sides of the story first, as I think your position on this is more than reasonable.

As to the question as to wether or not 6 months is enough time to save up money, I'd have to say that it depends. In a way, it may not be enough time, if she thought that she was going to be able to stay indeffinately, which is what it sounds like to me, since your husband won't talk to her about a timeline, she may not have been really saving her money at all.

You would think a psych. would understand that a child needs to leave the nest sometime, no matter how good or bad things are in the house with them there.

Let us know how it goes.
dcubana
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I think that if this is a good Psych-they'd insist on speaking to everyone and get all sides before making any reccomendations...I think any reasonable person would want to look at the big picture don't you?
I think that this will be a very good way to determine if this psy is going to work for your family.

Keep in mind some Psych are idiots or just inexpierienced in certain situations...Have you asked how many families other than you they have expierience with?
the bottom line is they are just as human and imperfect as the next person so be careful.....

Good luck!
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ekcs400
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Dana,

you are not wrong for wanting this ADULT child to move out of your house and I wouldn't care if she has the money saved up or not.

In real life, people grow up and have to find a way to make things work. I would speak with your DH about the therapist and SD. Is he on your side? He may be confused, but he has to make his committment to you the 1st priority or your marriage will suffer. He needs to let SD sink or swim. I would giver her 2 weeks notice and then kick her out!
sweeby
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
So DH has gone to see a psych -- OK, on the one hand, that IS good. But are you absolutely sure their topic of discussion is SD's moving out?

Truly, I don't mean to stir up trouble, but it seems to me that her residency is much more of an issue for you than it is for him. (I'm not saying you're wrong) So he may be going to the psych to talk about all of the stress and trouble he is feeling in his life, and his perspective of the problem may be very different. He may perceive the problem as "Wife vrs. daughter" rather than "Adult daughter won't move out." Re-reading your post, I realize this may be pretty much what you said.

I'd take a step back from the 'move-out issue', and ask to join in the 'marriage counseling' sessions after a few weeks. It's quite reasonable to ask how a counseler can help without even meeting one of the spouses.
dcubana
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
I'm sorry, i misunderstood this entire situation.I thought the SD had gone to see the therapist.
I just re-read your post and can understand this a little better.You intended for BOTH of you to get help and hear out an impartial third party, not a one-sided deal.That is totally understandable.I'm not sure why he wouldn't have included you from the beggining,since thats what therapy is suppose to help with..."communicating and expressing yourselves to one another"without getting into arguments or being ignored... and the therapist is suppose to help sort things out and give you some insight into whats going on..

But don't jump to conclusions...give it a little time.It may be nessesary to speak to him first before including you.When my x tried to start seeing the kids again,he started having sessions with both of us.His girlfriend was a pain in my XSS,and kept insisting she be "included" in the sessions after 3 weeks.In time she was bought in,but it was when the therapist asked for her to join.

So i guess the best thing to do is to be supportive to your husband and the effort he is making.Give this some time,and in the end he will really value your commitment and understanding.Its hard enough having to be in the middle of a "divided loyalty conflict".As the old saying goes...blood is blood and that's his daughter,and although he may love you also-its still a really tough spot to be in.He might also have alot of guilt towards the daughter for not being there enough when she was younger,god only knows whats going on inside him.Which may be the very reason he needs to see this therapist on his own for a while....
vistajpdf
Original Author
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Yes, you hit the nail on the head regarding the whole picture and the guilt issues.

If I was in his shoes, I'd be VERY uncomfortable telling my child it was time to leave the nest. I have expressed that to him on numerous occasions so he knows I understand that. I, however, would have handled my adult son returning home far differently. No groundwork was set, and the rules I pushed for were "assumed" by DH to be understood to his DD. I later spoke to her directly about the dinner thing (telling me if she wouldn't be there, etc.) and sometimes she remembers to let me know, sometimes she does not. Once, when DH said, "You were supposed to tell Dana if you weren't going to be here..." she yelled back, "I KNOW!" and the boys and I just sat at dinner and stared at one another. We were all uncomfortable and he said nothing like, "Lower your voice!" or "Be considerate of Dana's time."

Anyway, I did live at home til I married after college and dental school, but I paid all the bills and cared for my dear nephews to take that load off of my parents. I also cleaned the house top to bottom every weekend. The other day, SD did vacuum while we were at baseball, which was nice. But, it's just very uncomfortable for me. And, having to deal w/ her mother on a regular basis is tough. The woman, prior to finding the Lord, tried to ruin my name, my practice, and was so cruel to my family. It's sad that I've held onto this baggage for all these years, but could you quickly forget a lunatic screaming in your front yard, "I hope your mother dies!" when my mother was in ICU??? That's the craziness I endured for years before her born-again Christian days...Again, a woman of 24 yrs. should be able to have her mother over whenever she wanted to - but I don't think I should be subjected to her at all since the kids are all now grown. KWIM?

Dana
dcubana
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Oh wow-i can't imagine how tough that must be.She sounds like a real work of art.You are absolutely right though,I don't think you should be subjected to her at all since the kids are all now grown.Besides you have enough going on in your household.I would do my best to minimize "any contact" with that women if i were you.Your not really obligated to maintaing any kind of relationship with that woman,especially if she is a mental case.The less toxic people you have to deal with in your life the better.
vistajpdf
Original Author
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
As I said, she is far less venomous than before her becoming a born-again Christian. I realize she is damaged and will sadly always be damaged. Her childhood was dysfunctional, marriage wasn't sacred to her parents - the dad cheated, the kids lived w/ relatives during the bad times, so it was very sad. DH was her third husband and as I mentioned earlier, he had ended the relationship when she turned up pg. Yes, it takes two, but I think one of them planned it.

It's not like she's a constant figure at my house, but she comes over on Tuesdays - my day off, so I'm here, to join SD for dinner or something, and if SD's running late (usually), who gets to 'entertain' her for the waiting time? My mom once said, "How did she get in the house?" I said, "Mom, you didn't raise me to be rude - I asked her if she wanted to come in - it was like 90 degrees out and she was sitting in her car..." So, part of the problem, I guess (if it's a problem) is that I'm well-mannered!

When SD and I had the blow-up last month, I did say that once the kids knew the truth (about why their parents divorced - the mom sleeping w/ SD's tennis coach), I kind of expectd some tiny amount of validation or simply, "Dana, we had it all wrong - sorry if we caused you any stress along the way. Hope we can just move forward from here." But, it never happenend. And, the X never said a word other than "I'm praying for you both.." which was nice but I kind of thought, "praying for us or cursing us????" LOL. I would have loved to have said, "Oh that's great, now do you mind writing to all of our patients who you trashed me to and telling them the truth, too?????" She hurt the practice, hurt our marriage, hurt my relationship w/ her children, told her children to ignore my dear nephews (who were much younger than her kids, so they didn't get it and wanted to be noticed by the big kids in some fashion) then decided she was no longer angry about being dumped by her BF and losing her DH and one day began being civil. Don't get me wrong, I am grateful for the peace we've had in the years that followed, but it seemed like it was all just supposed to be forgotten because she found herself and the Lord. I guess I was hoping for something that resembled an apology for all of the crap and the hurtful things she said about my dear mother (who pulled through, thank goodness).

I feel so petty holding onto that junk as it was years ago. But, some things are easier to forget, KWIM? Like saying horrid things about my mother and causing my sweet little nephews, who suffered enough w/ the hand they've been dealt in the parenting dept, to be asking why the big kids didn't like them. It made for a lot of awkward weekends when my steps visited. I largely raised my nephews during those years, so they were w/ me a lot. Everyone had their own space in the old house - it was quite large, but hardly glamorous!

Anyway, I know I just need to let go of this baggage. Sometimes I'm able to do it, other times it seems to rear its ugly head...

Dana
cawfecup
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Ok I have tried to figure it out on my own and can't.... what is KWIM?

And I completely understand the wanting to be apologized to. When Hubby and I were still dating we went out to dinner and mutual friends of theirs came over snickering ... Oh so she's the babysitter!!!! He asked what they were talking about and they told us ... Ex-wife said she left you because you were "doing the babysitter"!!!. She was gone for over a year before I even met hubby. And living with her BF the OM.
dcubana
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
Dana-I can totally relate to your statement
"So, part of the problem, I guess (if it's a problem) is that I'm well-mannered!" I have the same problem with my MIL.She is truly a very controlling and crazy person.When my husband and i got together she did everything in her power to turn his kids against me.The kids would come over from her house wound up and out of control.Since she would give them sweets all day long and spoil them to no end. Eventually my husband got so fed up with her crap he stopped allowing her to see the kids.Ofcourse this was after he tried talking to her about this on many many occasions.Our family was literally under "attack" by his mother.I guess she wasn't ready to accept me as the new wife,since she had been helping my husband raise the kids when his x left him.

It was only till the stress level got so high,and i was about to give up that my husband made the decision to give her a choice.She could either go to therapy with us or no contact with kids.She then showed up at the school and cried infront of the kids telling them that their dad wasn't going to let her see them anymore.We didn't hear anything from her until we got a letter from court stating that she was taking us to court under "grandparents rights" to visit with the kids.But thank god she lost...so she can only see them with us around.It really sucks though because we can't rely on her to babysit or stay with the kids.It just makes me resent ful sometimes.She basically trashed my name in town and accused me of tearing her grandkids away from her.I never did anything to this loon.On the other hand i always went out of my way to treat her nicely.

fast forward 2 years-she now acts like if nothing ever happened and bakes cookies for the kids every single day.UGGG!!
If it wasn't for the fact that she talks forever...and about practically everyone in this damm town maybe i wouldn't resent having to deal with her as much.She's just a toxic person-who has nothing but negativity to bring to the table.

But she is "who she is" and i still have alot of anger towards her for the hell she put me and my kids through.Its just like you say-sometimes i can deal with it and other times i just want to strangle her!!!
Ashley
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
KWIM means Know What I Mean?
cawfecup
19 years ago
last modified: 11 years ago
thanks just too dumbfounded to figure it out ...too many abbreviations.

DH saw a therapist last week...

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